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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sisters Husband lied about being on Instagram

91 replies

IndieRo · 26/06/2020 08:22

So last night my sister text me saying her DH is on Instagram.. Long story short, my sister had an affair 3 years ago. It was a horrible time for everybody in the family. They got back together and they both decided to quit social media as in Facebook and Instagram. It turns out her DH literally came of it for a month or so and has been on it liking and commenting since. She had it out with him and he blatantly denied it even though she had the proof. His excuse was I went on it the odd time or I had to message a friend because I lost their number. My sister is really upset, DH still brings up the affair even though my sister has done everything to make things right. She doesn't see her friends anymore and basically stays at home looking after the children. DH seems to think that he can do what he wants because she made a mistake. My sister wanted to get back exercising and was told, there's nobody to mind kids. Then he turns around and says I'm starting a 6 week fitness programme with my brother and will be doing 3 evening exercise classes. I just really feel for my sister to be honest. The reason she had the affair was because DH really took her for granted. He would come in late from work, eat his dinner at the table with his headphones in and watch his phone. My sister had no life at all. Everybody thinks hubby is great because he comes across as loveable and kind to everyone but I've seen the real side of him. I just don't know how to help her and why did he lie about being on Instagram?

OP posts:

Original poster

IndieRo · 26/06/2020 08:55

@LittlePeepoToy, yes definately on it, liked a post the day before she found out. She asked him when was he last on insta and he said I can't remember. She has screenshot of him commenting on his friends pictures.

OP posts:

category12 · 26/06/2020 08:55

It sounds like in exchange for "forgiveness" for the affair, your sister has given up friends, social life, time outside the home - basically she's isolated and controlled.

Here, the price for "forgiveness" is too high. There's zero trust and it's not getting better. He's turned her bad behaviour into a stick to beat her with and a cage to keep her in.

You should advise her to call it quits. It's a toxic relationship. It's fubar.

slipperywhensparticus · 26/06/2020 08:55

Reset not retset

aowjakdb · 26/06/2020 08:58

They need to split up, doesn't sound like either is happy.

sadie9 · 26/06/2020 08:58

You can't really help her unless she wants help. Does she want help or does she just want your ear to complain into?
What does she want to do about it?
Surely she leaves the house sometimes and he minds the kids? Or do they expect each other to be prisoners?

Nymeriastark1 · 26/06/2020 08:59

"he's a tit" they both are. He's a tit for airing his dirty laundry and then decided to stay. And your sisters a cheating tit. You seem to be trying to make out her husbands the worse party. I'd day they're both on par with one another. Why can't she get a baby sitter if she wants to go to the gym or ask a family member? What happens when she's at work, or is she a sahm?

Original poster

IndieRo · 26/06/2020 09:00

She is stuck, financially she cannot afford to move out of the family home. She did get back to work for a short time but he made it very difficult for her. She was responsible for dropping kids to school going to work and then arranging and paying for their afterschool care.

OP posts:

CorianderLord · 26/06/2020 09:01

I mean he didn't have an affair so he should be allowed SM.

He shouldn't still be throwing it in her face but honestly, she did the crime so she's the one not allowed SM.

Original poster

IndieRo · 26/06/2020 09:02

@Nymeriastark1, because she doesn't have the money to pay a babysitter and she doesn't live near any family members.

OP posts:

DeerHeart · 26/06/2020 09:02

@category12

It sounds like in exchange for "forgiveness" for the affair, your sister has given up friends, social life, time outside the home - basically she's isolated and controlled.

Here, the price for "forgiveness" is too high. There's zero trust and it's not getting better. He's turned her bad behaviour into a stick to beat her with and a cage to keep her in.

You should advise her to call it quits. It's a toxic relationship. It's fubar.

100% this. She made a mistake but he either has to forgive and forget or they need to move on. She doesn’t have to spend the rest of her life in penance. If it was his suggestion that they both leave SM too then he doesn’t really have an excuse.

CorianderLord · 26/06/2020 09:03

She needs to leave him though as clearly she's unhappy and she should be allowed to exercise

Nymeriastark1 · 26/06/2020 09:03

Can't she stay with you while she sorts herself out? I know she's not your responsibility, but if my sibling was stuck and wanted out, I'd help.

Notonthestairs · 26/06/2020 09:04

SM is a red herring. You don't need SM to have an affair.

The relationship isn't healthy or happy for either of them - counselling and/or divorce.

Original poster

IndieRo · 26/06/2020 09:04

@category12, your right. I don't think he will ever forgive her or move on. He likes to control her with it. Every now and then he starts again. It's got to the stage where she feels he's timing her when she goes grocery shopping.

OP posts:

slipperywhensparticus · 26/06/2020 09:05

If you forgive the affair you forgive the affair you don't get to drag someone through the mud for the next thousand years because they cheated

I know everyone thinks having an affair is the absolute worst thing someone can do but it isn't there are worse things and it sounds like he is doing them "because she cheated" well he is proving why he is an unsuitable life partner to begin with

She needs to leave and he needs to understand that he is wrong too

ttigerlilly · 26/06/2020 09:05

So he comes home late from work, assumedly very tired from his day hence just unwinding by listening to music and eating his dinner. And this warrants having an affair?!

I have no words

category12 · 26/06/2020 09:06

It's not OK to "punish" or control someone after an affair. Either you forgive and move on and commit to trusting the person, or you shouldn't stay together.

Op, she can divorce him and get her share of the marital assets, claim universal credit and child support while finding work.

Original poster

IndieRo · 26/06/2020 09:06

@Nymeriastark1 unfortunately we don't live close to each other for that to be an option. She sought legal advice previously and was told under no circumstances was she to leave the family home.

OP posts:

Nymeriastark1 · 26/06/2020 09:06

She had an affair, she messed up. But she's being abused. Timing her when she goes to the shop thats aweful. She's being abused financially as well. She needs to leave.

Nymeriastark1 · 26/06/2020 09:07

Did she tell the person that told her to stay about the abuse?

AlternativePerspective · 26/06/2020 09:09

If he’s always been like this then it’s not hard to see how she ended up having an affair. Is it right? No, but life isn’t that black and white.

Except that on MN people will swear that only the cheating person is to blame. All other wrongs are absolved as soon as someone cheats and the abuser often becomes the victim.

OP, can I ask why your sister stayed?

slipperywhensparticus · 26/06/2020 09:10

Sod the house I understand why they reccomend she stays so she can get an occupation order but personally I would grab my kids my dignity and fucking leave then she can get a job and help towards childcare costs if it's not too well paid

Original poster

IndieRo · 26/06/2020 09:11

@ttigerlilly, obviously it wasn't just this. He totally checked out on their marriage about 4 years before she had the affair. She was a sahm, no money of her own, no support. She did everything for him and the kids and was basically ignored. He showed her no affection attention. She would turn up to family gatherings on her own with the kids because hubby was playing football or had training of some sort. Every now and then she would start getting back to exercising but within a couple of weeks he wouldn't be home on time for her to go out but always made it home for his training.

OP posts:

slipperywhensparticus · 26/06/2020 09:13

@ttigerlilly

So he comes home late from work, assumedly very tired from his day hence just unwinding by listening to music and eating his dinner. And this warrants having an affair?!

I have no words

Personally I would be leaving if my so called life partner checked out of family life like this it's a family home not a fucking hotel hell where you are forced to eat with strangers

RedRed9 · 26/06/2020 09:14

She sought legal advice previously and was told under no circumstances was she to leave the family home.

What’s the alternative? Live together unhappily? If she’s going to choose to do that then they might as well get divorce proceedings started so they can hurry up and move on.

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