My mother is alone with dying partner

[RiveterRosie]

I have written before in the "But we took you to stately homes" thread about my relationship with my mother.

My mother & her partner (I'll call him R),moved to rural Wales when they retired 20 -30 years ago. Her partner is very antisocial, cut himself off from his family completely, no friends, just my mother. His behavior has alienated my mother from other relatives. Neither myself or my 2 siblings have a good relationship with him - he's punched my brother and once put his hands around my throat. I am the only one of my siblings who goes to visit them. My DH refuses to go there after he was turned on by my mother and R in a very vicious verbal attack.

I think R moved to such a rural place (over 4 hours drive away) to isolate himself & my mother. She's never been happy and I think is very lonely. He's controlling. About 10 years ago my mum was ill in hospital (a 90 minutes drive from where they live) and we tried to persuade her then to see how difficult it would be to manage as they get older and that it would be sensible to relocate nearer to where we are, but they took no notice.

Now R is very ill, dying of cancer. He is alone with my mum in their house in Wales and she is nursing him with the help of a district nurse and McMillan nurse. Yesterday she phoned me to say she couldn't cope, doesn't know what to do & could one of us go there to help her (I know R would refuse our help but it would be moral support for mum). Wales is still in lockdown for the next 2 weeks and I know the police are turning away visitors from England. Mum says if we tell them the circumstances they will let us through but I'm not so sure. My brother refuses to go until 6th July (when Welsh lockdown is being eased). My sister says she can't get time off work and in any event we don't know how long R has to live - it could be weeks & it's not possible to stay there that long, we might be needed more in a couple of weeks time.

That leaves me. I came out of hospital myself just under a week ago, I was admitted for with 5 days sepsis and tbh I still feel awful: weak & exhausted. I'm meant to be having follow-up outpatients in the next 2 weeks. I don't have a car and would have to hire one and I'm not even sure I could manage the long drive. My sister says "they made their bed, didn't make plans & need to cope for a bit now", my brother said " they've had nice lives doing what they wanted, you're (meaning me) only half way through your life and need to look after yourself & your health".

I feel so mean and uncaring. I don't know what to do for the best.

he's punched my brother and once put his hands around my throat

What did your DM say or do about this? Did she defend or protect you in anyway or just sweep it all under the rug as "it takes two to tango" sort of thing?

It may sound cold but in your shoes I would listen to your brother, take care of yourself and your own health.

It sounds like you're too ill still to be of any help even if they were the loveliest of people. Stay put.

You could ring Macmillan and Age Concern to get an idea of how they get the help they need. Or head over to the Elderly Parents board here and ask.
Whether they like the answers you find is another matter of course !

I would stay at home and recuperate properly, you need to remain in your own home.

Do you think your siblings feel mean and uncaring?. Probably not and nor should you.

She got what she wanted out of this relationship with this man and she enabled this abuse of you people by this person as well as taking part in an attack on your H. She made a choice a long time ago and chose this man ultimately over your own self and your siblings. Let her continue to live with her choice. I would tell her it is not possible to visit due to your own ill health and therefore you will not be driving to see her.

You are not well OP.
You only left hospital 5 days ago so need to self-isolate for at least 14 days.
Do NOT even consider going there.
You are in no position to do so.
Your siblings are absolutely spot on.
You can help her when you are feeling better.
Right now it's her problem to deal with.
That is the harsh reality of it all.
Look after yourself and your family.
You will feel guilty - you are human and caring.
But you cannot risk it!
Not yet anyway.
Heal yourself then consider your options.

Your health comes first and you are in no fit state to go driving off to rescue your mother if she truly can’t cope there must be a hospice that he can be admitted into ? It was his choice and that of your mothers to isolate them self in Wales and now unfortunately it has come back to bite them .
The fact that you worried that you’re in caring means that you do care very much but in the circumstances your brother is right look after yourself

What did she do OP, when her partner had his hands around your throat?

She sounds like she has all her faculties and is perfectly capable of speaking to the support staff and asking for help. I would leave her to it.

You’ve been seriously ill, and could get worse, look after yourself! Right now, that is your only priority.

When you’re better, prioritise people that haven’t physically or verbally attacked you and your DH.

I wouldn’t consider it OP, put yourself first.

You need to give yourself time to recover. Please do not go yet.

Your brother can go the 6th July for a handful of nights. Then you if you feel up to it.

The relationship and lockdown are irrelevant here - you are ill, and ought to be resting at home. Certainly no fit state to drive - it would be very dangerous of you to do that.

The only thing that might be appropriate would be to ring the Macmillan nurse to let her know - your mum might be putting a brave face on to strangers, they might be able to arrange further support.

Protect yourself op.
Your dm didn't...
She has professional help in.
She will be fine.
I am nc with df +dm. No phone calls of guilt tripping info will change that.

She’s not without support, if the district nurse and Macmillan nurse are helping. You have been unwell, so you need to think of yourself on this occasion.

Unfortunately your mother and her partner have only thought of themselves in the past, so they need to deal with the situation as it is.

Considering you've just got out of hospital from a potentially life threatening illness I would tell her no. She needs to get more help from the nurses etc.
If she had been a decent person I think I might have said yes I'll come and help but after the 6th, but it sounds like she has put an awful person ahead of everyone else, including herself. It sounds like she has suddenly woken up and realised what her future holds.
I think your siblings have said some very sensible things. Let your brother go after the 6th.

Your Sister is right.

If she has MacMillan and District nurses going in, then she should have all the practical support she needs.

If you do go can you stay elsewhere so you're nearby to support your Mum but don't have to get involved in the gritty care of him?

As you have been ill yourself recently. I would offer to talk on the phone only. Perhaps email, Skype or write a letter
If you have children, perhaps send some photos or art work.
Order some online shopping or a treat

What help is she expecting you to provide ?

You need to stay away to build up your own strength & health again

Sepsis is pretty serious - you must look after yourself. You don't need the stress of the situation post sepsis in the middle of a pandemic. There will be time to help after he has died.

When I started reading your post it is almost carbon copy to my situation with my mother and step-father except he isn't ill (yet). They moved to a remote part of the country, miles away from family and he also has succeeded in isolating her...although she's pretty good at doing that herself with her own narcissistic ways. None of us will go and visit them.

Please don't go and help and don't feel guilty. You need to recover yourself and not put yourself at risk. This was your mother's choice to live miles away and she will have to lean on statutory or medical support for help. You don't need this stress. I agree with the PP, give her support after he has died because she will more than likely realise the enormity of how she has been isolated.

You need to look after yourself and recover. My family lives a bit further away than that and even if I wasn't recovering from sepsis, no I wouldn't go given what you've described. I think they have made their bed. I would offer some phone support and maybe offer to speak to the nurses if it would be helpful for your mum to have you involved in anyway.

I agree with everyone else, you don't sound well enough to travel and provide care or moral support. Get yourself fit and healthy again, have a proper rest, then reassess the situation and see how you feel.

They don't sound very supportive of you though. If anyone put their hands around my kid's throat there isn't a chance in hell I would even speak to them again, never mind anything else. Disgusting behaviour. You have to ask yourself why you feel like you need to go and support your mum when she hasn't done the same for you.

Your siblings are absolutely 💯% right.

She allowed you, your DB and DH to be attacked by him and that shows she didn't care about any of you.

Why should you go there and support her when she wouldn't listen to reason. Even if you were fully fit and well, I wouldn't go.

You've done very well not to remind her of everything that's happened and the choices she made in choosing her DP over her flesh and blood.

The only time I'd support her if when he dies and she can give a satisfactory explanation as to why she felt staying with a man who assaulted her DC was acceptable.

Put aside the fact that they made their own decisions, that R is abusive, that you deserve the chance to recuperate. (All of which are excellent reasons to not go.)

You are too ill to go. You would not be able to help. You going would mean that your mum would have two patients to look after instead of one. For the sake of your mum you need to stay away so she can focus on looking after one patient.

It's very hard to hear some of these things. I've always tried to be a dutiful,loving daughter and often think that my mother is in a relationship that could be described as coercive control. I feel sad and sorry for her.

'that leaves me'.... No it doesn't.. You should not be in the equation... You've been ill and need to prioritise yourself...

Your mum should never ask you... Is she aware how sick you have been? If so she should not have asked. Very selfish behaviour.
Did she just ring you or all her children? I think she rang you as knows you are the softest target and dutiful daughter.

Your reply seriously needs to be that you can't help for at least another 2 weeks.

If she can't cope she needs to ask for help from local support.

Yes she is in a coercive controlling relationship with an abuser - but her status changed to abuser, facilitator and enabler the day she stood by and tolerated someone physically assault you, your DB and verbally assault your DH.

Often people like her husband are mentally unwell (explains but doesn’t excuse the abuse) - but if your DM of sound mind - stood by and condoned his repeated violent assaults on you all and she has no MH excuse - then I wonder who is worst.

You need to really look into why you feel obliged to be a dutiful daughter to that.

I am sorry you are so unwell and I hope that you spent time recovering for yourself and all of the more important people in your life (DCs?OH?friends?).

You can give moral support in so many ways. FaceTime her every night or ring everyday. Listen to her worries and help that way.