My mother is alone with dying partner

[RiveterRosie]

I have written before in the "But we took you to stately homes" thread about my relationship with my mother.

My mother & her partner (I'll call him R),moved to rural Wales when they retired 20 -30 years ago. Her partner is very antisocial, cut himself off from his family completely, no friends, just my mother. His behavior has alienated my mother from other relatives. Neither myself or my 2 siblings have a good relationship with him - he's punched my brother and once put his hands around my throat. I am the only one of my siblings who goes to visit them. My DH refuses to go there after he was turned on by my mother and R in a very vicious verbal attack.

I think R moved to such a rural place (over 4 hours drive away) to isolate himself & my mother. She's never been happy and I think is very lonely. He's controlling. About 10 years ago my mum was ill in hospital (a 90 minutes drive from where they live) and we tried to persuade her then to see how difficult it would be to manage as they get older and that it would be sensible to relocate nearer to where we are, but they took no notice.

Now R is very ill, dying of cancer. He is alone with my mum in their house in Wales and she is nursing him with the help of a district nurse and McMillan nurse. Yesterday she phoned me to say she couldn't cope, doesn't know what to do & could one of us go there to help her (I know R would refuse our help but it would be moral support for mum). Wales is still in lockdown for the next 2 weeks and I know the police are turning away visitors from England. Mum says if we tell them the circumstances they will let us through but I'm not so sure. My brother refuses to go until 6th July (when Welsh lockdown is being eased). My sister says she can't get time off work and in any event we don't know how long R has to live - it could be weeks & it's not possible to stay there that long, we might be needed more in a couple of weeks time.

That leaves me. I came out of hospital myself just under a week ago, I was admitted for with 5 days sepsis and tbh I still feel awful: weak & exhausted. I'm meant to be having follow-up outpatients in the next 2 weeks. I don't have a car and would have to hire one and I'm not even sure I could manage the long drive. My sister says "they made their bed, didn't make plans & need to cope for a bit now", my brother said " they've had nice lives doing what they wanted, you're (meaning me) only half way through your life and need to look after yourself & your health".

I feel so mean and uncaring. I don't know what to do for the best.

She stayed with a man who attacked her children. I wouldn't go near either of them.
Tell her this is her consequence for their actions.

I've always tried to be a dutiful,loving daughter

And has she been a loving mother? Her partner punched your brother and put his hands round your throat...and she did what.

It's not like she had young kids and felt she couldn't leave.

It's very sad..but as your brother said....they've lived their lives...retired 20 to 30 years ago. You need to put yourself first here.

She is not your responsibility! She is possibly emotionally blackmailing you by saying she "can't cope" - which would be more abuse. Has she priotirised you? No. Being "dutiful" to her will probably not be appreciated but more to the point you have a duty to yourself. By going to help you are enabling her partner to continue to abuse both you and your mum. It would be better for you AND HER if you listened to your siblings, stayed put , and all told her she needs to get him in a hospice if she can't cope.

As a mum myself is be horrified id my daughter thought she should risk hee health in this way, or felt bad about not doing so. Why isn't she??.

RiveterRosie, you really cannot do anything to help your mother, you are not well enough at the moment having just come out of hospital for sepsis which is a horrible illness.

I know it must be worrying for you but surely there are agencies closer to where your mum lives on whom you can call. I realise North Wales is difficult (I had relative ill and die there a year and a half ago when there snow and ice; they received little help and didn't live far from amenities,) but I wonder what happens with other elderly people who are sick.

Someone else will probably have more knowledge and advice for you. I hope everything works out alright. Let us know. Please don't fret, you can't do the impossible though your heart is good.

Stay at home.
You know the expression about putting your own oxygen on before helping someone else? That's where you are now, get yourself well.
And in a short while I hope that your Mum will have asked for help from those nurses who will be able to set up carers to come in, or have him taken to hospital or hospice.
Think very, very hard before giving anything of yourself. She might well take a mile if you give and inch.
Hope you continue to recover well.

OP I think you need to reflect on the fact that you'll be very susceptible to infection given how ill you currently are but the old bat doesn't give a monkey's. She's willing to risk your life because she can't be bothered to nurse that abusive piece of shite she chose before her own children.

Your compassion is misplaced OP.

OP what did you do?

I really don't know what to do.

My mother has just phoned, sobbing, to say that she's been told that R has only got days to live and she doesn't know what to do, that she's all on her own. Nurses went this morning and fitted a catheter and morphine pump but in the process the dog got loose and is now under the bed and won't come out and it might chew wires or whatever.

Their dog is a small terrier which is a nasty little thing - very possessive and not at all trained. Even though he's about 10 or 11 he still chews everything he can get hold of - cushion, clothing, books, everything has to be put up higher than he can reach. He has to be put in a pen when visitors go. I said to my sister a few months ago, before R got very ill, that I was worried the dog would end up causing one or other of them to have a stroke. Now she's worried that he'll attack the nurses when they go back later.

And on top of that she's got a bad back and the house is in a mess.

Anything I suggest she dismisses and gets impatient over. I think she doesn't understand why I don't go - haven't gone already, and keeps telling me that nurses are saying someone should go there. Then she says things like "sorry, I shouldn't have phoned you, go and do something nice and don't think about this". It makes me feel horribly guilty. I feel under huge pressure to get on a train.

She's manipulating you, that's why. You stay home and get well. She chose the piece of shit over her kids. This is the consequences of that.

go and do something nice and don't think about this
That is horribly manipulative of her. It is absolutely said to make you feel guilty. Stop it! You have enough on your plate.
And... you can't go anyway!
It may be in desperation but I think she's probably always been like this.
Do NOT get on a train.
She's had nurses in this morning.
They are coming again later.
SHE IS NOT ON HER OWN.
I've no doubt she also has organisations she can call if she needs to.
This is NOT your problem.
She did this. To herself!!!!
Please stop with the guilt.
Have you had a google of FOG - Fear, obligation, guilt!
If not then do it now!

The nurses /carers are trained to manage manipulative clients I imagine. Put you first op.
Keep chats short and any guilt tripping you cut the call shorter.
Yanbu to stay home.

Putting everything else aside, you are too ill to go. You risk getting there and ending up back in hospital.Stay home please.

If you jump now to her demands, she'll expect ten times more when her partner dies and she's left alone. We live our lives as a consequence of the choices we make.
Think ahead. Set a precedent. Don't go.

I'd wonder at any mother who asks her daughter, who's just out of hospital, to get on a train during a global pandemic. Most put their children before their own needs OP.

Do not go. She has people there and it's only for a few more days. She has trained professionals around her and she's not alone.

Do not visit your mother, this woman is merely tugging at your heartstrings bringing to the forefront again your fear, obligation and guilt. Apart from anything else you have recently only left hospital yourself so you can't go in any case.

She has people coming in anyway so let them do the job they were trained to do. She made a choice a long time ago and she chose him over your own self and siblings. She reaps what she sows.

If she doesn't understand why you can't go OP tell her that as someone who only left hospital five days ago you cannot visit them for at least 14 days, as you may have been infected with the coronavirus in hospital. Does she want that, on top of everything else?

She isn't thinking of you in all this - only of herself. Please stop feeling so guilty. You tried to get them to move so it would be easier to help them in a crisis and they said no. Now the crisis has happened and they are alone. She's made her bed.

Your mother is saying she doesn't understand that you have just been in hospital with sepsis? Do you really believe that?

Of course when you had sepsis - a life threatening illness, your mum was right at your side in the hospital...wasn't she?

OP, do look after yourself because it seems to me that your mum doesn't have your back and is unreasonable in her expectations, tell her you going there is against doctors orders - although you have every right to just say it doesn't work for you by the sound of it you will find it easier to have a good reason to keep saying no.

I honestly don't think you are going to find anyone who says you should go because it is glaringly obvious that you shouldn't. Put your own health first.

If your brother wants to go to visit them now he can to support your mum. If he would feel better he could email the local police force first to confirm that he would be ok to travel to help your mum..

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You need to be strong and take care you yourself first and be kinder to yourself.

My god OP you've got nothing on this earth to feel guilty about. You've just had sepsis for goodness sake. Your mother is reaping what she's sowed and you have a perfectly reasonable reason to do nothing except support her on the phone, because in your state of health anything else would be madness.
Please take care of yourself. Down the line maybe you can visit, but not now. There might even be healing between you and your mother after the abusive partner is dead. But not now, not at the risk to your health and even life. You must not even consider it.

I know, from reading all the replies, that I am right not to go even though it is extremely hard for me to not go rushing off.

Since I was 13, when my mum & dad divorced, I've felt responsible for her - so many times as a young teen I was told to take care of my mum, to look after her, not to cause her problems. I was so scared that she would have a breakdown and we'd be put into care, that was always a threat handing over us. I think those things have stuck with me.

I've read about FOG and part of "Will I ever be good Enough" but then have big doubts about whether I've seen the situation correctly: she is always telling me how much she loves me - if she does then it's me who's the selfish, narc bitch.

I was very ill last summer when I had cancer and had a whipple operation. I was in intensive care for a week and in hospital overall for 3 months. No, my mum didn't come and see me, she said she couldn't leave R. I understood although I don't think she has realised/thought about how serious my operation was. She often says how worried she is about me and how she won't feel well until I'm feeling well. I've found that quite difficult - who wants to hear that you're making someone feel ill and worried - and as a result never really tell her how I do actually feel.

I think she doesn't understand why I don't go - haven't gone already, and keeps telling me that nurses are saying someone should go there.

"You should ask someone who R hasn't assaulted mum. Because I don't want to be near him"

Or

"Remember all the times you came to visit me in hospital? That's the number I'm aiming for to come and see you"