My mother is alone with dying partner

[RiveterRosie]

I have written before in the "But we took you to stately homes" thread about my relationship with my mother.

My mother & her partner (I'll call him R),moved to rural Wales when they retired 20 -30 years ago. Her partner is very antisocial, cut himself off from his family completely, no friends, just my mother. His behavior has alienated my mother from other relatives. Neither myself or my 2 siblings have a good relationship with him - he's punched my brother and once put his hands around my throat. I am the only one of my siblings who goes to visit them. My DH refuses to go there after he was turned on by my mother and R in a very vicious verbal attack.

I think R moved to such a rural place (over 4 hours drive away) to isolate himself & my mother. She's never been happy and I think is very lonely. He's controlling. About 10 years ago my mum was ill in hospital (a 90 minutes drive from where they live) and we tried to persuade her then to see how difficult it would be to manage as they get older and that it would be sensible to relocate nearer to where we are, but they took no notice.

Now R is very ill, dying of cancer. He is alone with my mum in their house in Wales and she is nursing him with the help of a district nurse and McMillan nurse. Yesterday she phoned me to say she couldn't cope, doesn't know what to do & could one of us go there to help her (I know R would refuse our help but it would be moral support for mum). Wales is still in lockdown for the next 2 weeks and I know the police are turning away visitors from England. Mum says if we tell them the circumstances they will let us through but I'm not so sure. My brother refuses to go until 6th July (when Welsh lockdown is being eased). My sister says she can't get time off work and in any event we don't know how long R has to live - it could be weeks & it's not possible to stay there that long, we might be needed more in a couple of weeks time.

That leaves me. I came out of hospital myself just under a week ago, I was admitted for with 5 days sepsis and tbh I still feel awful: weak & exhausted. I'm meant to be having follow-up outpatients in the next 2 weeks. I don't have a car and would have to hire one and I'm not even sure I could manage the long drive. My sister says "they made their bed, didn't make plans & need to cope for a bit now", my brother said " they've had nice lives doing what they wanted, you're (meaning me) only half way through your life and need to look after yourself & your health".

I feel so mean and uncaring. I don't know what to do for the best.

My mother has just come out of hospital and has been told to isolate for 14 days. Plus the journey when you have been ill it’s too much to ask . You can not go.just say in normal circumstances you would . But you can’t .

Stay where you are and focus on getting yourself better. She has never prioritised you so do not let her guilt trip you into helping her (and her awful partner)

Please do not go.

If you really want to help... And there is no reason why you should..
Ring tomorrow when the nurse is there. Ask to talk to on phone. Explain to them your recent hospital visit and last years health.... They will agree you shouldn't go.

Ask them if there is anything you can do remotely to help or that they can do . Ie do they recommend any local cleaning companies? Dog kennels etc...

I think you need to stop taking her calls. It's not helping you and it seems you're the one she feels able to manipulate.... it at least tries to manipulate.

Put yourself first....get better...stay where you are. When R dies..... and she's isolated for 14 days...you can reassess the situation.

You must protect yourself from all this madness.

This is so awful to read . She stopped parenting you when you were 13, if not earlier. You feel guilty not because you've done anything wrong, but BECAUSE SHE TRAINED YOU FROM AN EARLY AGE TO FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR HER HAPPINESS AND TO FEEL TERRIBLE IF YOU DID NOT DO WHAT SHE WANTED.

She is an absolute champion of manipulation but then again, she had you in a supremely vulnerable position as a child. You were not responsible for her happiness then, and you aren't now.

To repeat, she has messed up your right/wrong radar when it relates to her. So you feel guilty because she is cashing on the programming she did on you as a child. She is deliberately making you feel guilty to get her own way. DO NOT FALL FOR IT!

Think of it like she has put a chip in your brain to trigger your guilt feelings for her convenience, and she uses her remote control (the 'sob story' routine) to switch it on when it suits her.