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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP gets annoyed at me for wanting space or being quiet

55 replies

heybabes · 24/06/2020 10:53

I've (27f) been with DP (37m) for almost 2 years now. We moved in together just before lockdown and also have SS3 (his DS).

One great thing about our relationship is that we get on super well and are really similar, meaning we barely have any arguments. However, as lockdown has gone on, there is an increasing issue of me being able to have my own space or peace and quiet. He literally gets annoyed at me thinking I'm annoyed at him.

Our living situation through lockdown has literally just been us and then his DS3 who is at that age where he is very loud, needs a lot of attention etc, and we're both trying to work from home while look after him. On top of that, his elderly mother has just moved in with us (so we've become one household) so sometimes, I just feel I need half an hour on my own to go for a walk or put my headphones in upstairs. When his kid is here he doesn't usually speak to me that much anyway as his attention is focused on his child, so it's not like I'm ignoring him or ditching him to do something else. I do spend most of the day with the two of them.

But if I take some time or he thinks I'm a bit quiet, rather than see if things are ok, he instead stops speaking to me. If I ask him what's up or why he isn't speaking to me he says things like "well you're not speaking to me" or "you're the one shutting yourself in a room" when I'm literally just having a few minutes breather. I've explained to him before that it's not my son or my mum we're living with, so sometimes I like to just go for a walk and call my own mum or friends and he says its absolutely fine, but then when I do it says I'm "storming off" or "locking myself in a room".

Today my dad called me after a work call so I was in a different room for a little longer than usual, and he texted me saying "I'll eat breakfast on my own then."

UGGGGH! Please explain or if you can relate let me know how to deal with this!

OP posts:
BertiesLanding · 24/06/2020 10:56

So he wants you to be his mummy rather than his partner. The only two ways to deal with it, really, are to be an "adult" to his "child" dynamic, or to end the relationship. I draw a very firm line at regressed behaviour.

TwentyViginti · 24/06/2020 10:58

Deal with it by moving out. You're young, do you want to be made to feel guilty for wanting some time alone - which is perfectly natural btw - for the next 50 years?

You have his son to stay, fair enough - but now his mother has moved in???

Northernsoullover · 24/06/2020 11:00

Oh hell I couldn't cope with that. I need space. If my OH is over and he was a lot before lockdown he'd put the TV on to watch something I didn't like (I've no problem with this as I prefer to read) so sometimes I'd go into my bedroom to read.
Within minutes he'd appear and sit down and start talking to me. I need my space!
I think his behaviour is suffocating and unhealthy but what are you going to do about it? I would seriously consider moving out.

Comtesse · 24/06/2020 11:04

Most people are going a bit crazy in lockdown. Sulking because he eats breakfast by himself? Come on! Need to have a serious chat about personal space. Hopefully not anything more controlling? But then again maybe this is how it starts....

pinkyredrose · 24/06/2020 11:07

He's a twat. Where were you living before lockdown, can you go back there?

heybabes · 24/06/2020 11:09

@pinkyredrose

He's a twat. Where were you living before lockdown, can you go back there?
I was renting a flat with some others, but someone else has already taken my room. My parents live in another city so can't really stay with or visit them!
OP posts:
GetUpAgain · 24/06/2020 11:09

Run a fucking mile. Honestly. This is down to his issues which are not yours to solve, and wouldn't be possible for you to solve anyway.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/06/2020 11:10

His passive-aggressive bullshit would spell the end for me. You're now seeing how he handles things. This is your future if you stay with him. You're too young to waste your life with a controlling dickhead.

Dozer · 24/06/2020 11:10

Move out asap!

Dozer · 24/06/2020 11:10

I always think it’s a concern when people say ‘we’re really similar’.

That may or may not be the case!

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 24/06/2020 11:12

I'd move back out again pronto, he sounds nuts. At best he's unbearably needy, at worst he's controlling and you can expect it to ramp up. Either way I'd be out of there.

PAND0RA · 24/06/2020 11:15

You are 27 and should be having fun, going out with friends, enjoying sports, hobbies, travelling and building your career.

Not sitting at home with a man of nearly 40 looking after him, his child and his mother.

Carlottacoffee · 24/06/2020 11:19

Your too young for this bull shit

pinkyredrose · 24/06/2020 11:20

Could you stay with your parents for a while till you get your own place? It would be better than living with someone who wants to dictate how you spend every minute of the day.

Regularsizedrudy · 24/06/2020 11:35

You’re 27, this all sounds way too much

slipperywhensparticus · 24/06/2020 11:42

This is ridiculous you can't live like this

Can't go have a breather
Can't take a phone call

What else can't you do? My ex husband did this it got to the stage where he refused to shower unless I showered with him and when I went to the toilet he would sit outside and talk to me 🙄

HollowTalk · 24/06/2020 11:42

I'd run a mile, too. You're far too young to be putting up with this shit. You have options - use them!

SerenityNowwwww · 24/06/2020 11:57

I need my space. DH bought me some brilliant headphones so I can listen to music or books in peace.

hellsbellsmelons · 24/06/2020 12:15

You've had some good advice.
Please listen to everyone.
This sounds suffocating and controlling.
Can you get to your mum and dads for a while or do you need to be where you are for work??
This WILL get worse.
Fucking-hell - you can't even take a phone call without getting a crappy text message.
Time to run.... THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

TheFaerieQueene · 24/06/2020 12:18

OP you are a similar age to my son. You should be having fun and building your career - just like him. Your current situation sounds stifling.

stealm · 24/06/2020 12:20

That's awful.
He's showing his true colours now you are living together. He thinks you need to be there to meet his needs, or his child's or his mother's 24/7.
Start by having a serious discussion with him - this can't go on like this. Be absolutely clear about that. It is not normal for someone to send a text because you are chatting on the phone to your Dad.
See how he responds to you expressing your need to have time to yourself.
If you don't get a satisfactory response and if nothing changes immediately then leave. It will only get worse.
After just 2 years together you are now living with him, his son and now his mother!! It's all too much too fast and now he's trying to cut you off from friends and family by making a fuss when you are talking to them.

Amibannedorwhat · 24/06/2020 12:26

Yes this is stifling - and it will only get worse. Run for the hills

Gutterton · 24/06/2020 12:32

Jesus you must feel invaded and engulfed by him, his mother, his child and then his petulant demanding, controlling, bullying moods - where your right to space, peace and privacy is denied to meet his sulks and need for attention.

You are far to young to be anchored down with the drudgery of some blokes family responsibilities 24/7.

Reclaim your youth - plot your way out of this one PDQ. Don’t even tell him now - just make arrangements and be on your way.

What’s his RS history? His DC was v young when you got together.

Gutterton · 24/06/2020 12:33

*too

Lazypuppy · 24/06/2020 12:35

Why has his mum moved in?!

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