DP gets annoyed at me for wanting space or being quiet

[heybabes]

I've (27f) been with DP (37m) for almost 2 years now. We moved in together just before lockdown and also have SS3 (his DS).

One great thing about our relationship is that we get on super well and are really similar, meaning we barely have any arguments. However, as lockdown has gone on, there is an increasing issue of me being able to have my own space or peace and quiet. He literally gets annoyed at me thinking I'm annoyed at him.

Our living situation through lockdown has literally just been us and then his DS3 who is at that age where he is very loud, needs a lot of attention etc, and we're both trying to work from home while look after him. On top of that, his elderly mother has just moved in with us (so we've become one household) so sometimes, I just feel I need half an hour on my own to go for a walk or put my headphones in upstairs. When his kid is here he doesn't usually speak to me that much anyway as his attention is focused on his child, so it's not like I'm ignoring him or ditching him to do something else. I do spend most of the day with the two of them.

But if I take some time or he thinks I'm a bit quiet, rather than see if things are ok, he instead stops speaking to me. If I ask him what's up or why he isn't speaking to me he says things like "well you're not speaking to me" or "you're the one shutting yourself in a room" when I'm literally just having a few minutes breather. I've explained to him before that it's not my son or my mum we're living with, so sometimes I like to just go for a walk and call my own mum or friends and he says its absolutely fine, but then when I do it says I'm "storming off" or "locking myself in a room".

Today my dad called me after a work call so I was in a different room for a little longer than usual, and he texted me saying "I'll eat breakfast on my own then."

UGGGGH! Please explain or if you can relate let me know how to deal with this!

Well if he thinks you are avoiding him and his family then yabu. There is nothing wrong with listening to music on your own or going for a walk on your own but I think communication is the key, and if he is waiting for you before eating then it,s not ureasonable to say, "sorry I had a phone call.". If this happening more since lockdown then I think he would be concearned.

Yes I agree with other posters I'm afraid.
You are too young to settle for this baggage and drudgery.

Bloody hell. You've drawn a very short straw and set up home with a dud.

Move out, as fast as you possibly can.

He's a man child.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Why did his mother move in as well?.

Would not put up with this from him at all and I would look into moving out asap (there is no obstacle here really to you staying with your parents). Raise your relationship bar a lot higher going forward too.

Oh blimey according to another thread of yours he's jealous and doesn't like you having male friends. Dump this suffocating loser!

You deal with this either by dumping him or by sitting him down and telling him straight that you need time to recharge by yourself. I'd pick the former as the more time passes by the more his pathetic childish tendencies will surface.

Write a list of things in the RS from day one that made you feel confused, “off”, unsettled - even tiny, little things that you haven’t articulated before because they felt too petty or you yourself felt irrational noticing.

Once you have done this you will be able to see the consolidation and patterns and method - death by 1000 cuts / boiling the frog etc.

Listen to YOUR feelings/gut.

His words and actions are just deflections and smokescreens.

All that matters is how you feel. If it’s not good - you don’t have to have a major conflict or confrontation or even bother to blame him - just decide that you are uncomfortable, this is not healthy for you, you are not compatible and you need to move on.

Needy is so unattractive. He is needy.

God sometimes I like a whole afternoon to myself. Couldn’t be dealing with a claustrophobic relationship.

sounds like he just wanted you to move in with him so you could do the 'housekeeper' and 'carer' role for his family!

Get thee gone OP....he's trying to condition you into accepting his controlling tactics.

*You are 27 and should be having fun, going out with friends, enjoying sports, hobbies, travelling and building your career.

Not sitting at home with a man of nearly 40 looking after him, his child and his mother.*

This 100%

I could not put up with that.
Make plans to move out, then consider whether that’s the life you want for the future.

Someone who needs time to themselves and enjoys doing solitary activities such as reading cannot survive a long term co-habitating relationship with a smotherer
Nobody can survive long term with a needy self involved man baby.

He is violating your boundaries. The situation will not improve and more will follow. You're young and have no children with this man so you're in a good position - leave and start enjoying life before he drags you down with him.

I was reading through your post , thinking yes I've been there . When your partner takes it personally that you sometimes need time alone ... I was thinking what I could say and then I read the next paragraph where you said he actually falls out with you when you're quiet or want time alone?

And the living with his mum is a big compromise on your behalf ( I'm sure she's lovely but I'm really hoping that's strictly temporary), obviously the DSS at 3 will be a joy but again , a lot of added pressure.... I think that you sound like you are participating in the household and doing well to recognise you need to have your own space. You sound like a grown up.

Your partner sounds like a child.

I'm sorry , but a frank discussion needs to be had by the both of you , you can't walk around on eggshells trying to do the (perceived) right thing. You're making a lot more compromises in the relationship and he needs to manage your needs, wants and expectations in a more mature way.

I would tell him all this and give him a chance but I wouldn't even think of staying with someone who persisted like this.... It would get very tedious, very quickly.

OP I read your post and was thinking it was another standard lockdown "lurgy" post and thinking how tough it must be when I read:

On top of that, his elderly mother has just moved in with us (so we've become one household) so sometimes, I just feel I need half an hour on my own to go for a walk or put my headphones in upstairs.
Did you both discuss this before you moved in? I can understand it's his mother and his place but you are affected too and might have made a different decision perhaps?

Are you also WFH? That sounds too hard already without him being a passive aggressive twat. How does this household work together- it sounds so claustrophobic.

I'm afraid I couldn't live and work in these conditions. Is there really nowhere else you could move to? I'm unsure what the current rules are about a house/flatshare - might that that be an option? How far are your parents - are they shielding?

Sounds like hell, I would reassess how much the relationship meant to me to be honest.

His mask has slipped and he is showing you who he is. Believe him. He is a controlling abusive wanker and he will get much much worse. Run away as fast as you can.

The beginning of controlling behaviour.
He doesn't want you to have headspace or time to recharge. They want to drain you so that you will continue to tolerate their shit because your head is all frazzled.

Hello @heybabes

Just checking in on you to see how you are doing? Have you decided to stay out - or are you looking for space to live in apart from him and his family?!

Drat. Not stay "out" but stay PUT.

Gosh he's got a cushy number, hasn't he? You on tap to help look after his child and his Mum. And despite explaining to him about the occasional need for space, he's already started with the passive aggressive responses - which are designed to 'train' you out of this behaviour. I suspect he's doing this because he thinks he's got you over a barrel - your shared house space has gone and your family are in a different city.

Dump him and move out, pronto.

Jesus!! What on Earth are you doing?? Why are you living with somebody’s mother? What the hell are you doing? Now he’s doing the “silent treatment” when he thinks you’re annoyed with him? I married one like this. It’s all on his terms. We all walk on eggshells. He dictates the mood. It’s a fucking nightmare. It’s too late for me but it’s not for you. Google “living with the dominator” “silent treatment abuse” and then do yourself a huge favour and go live on your own!

and now here you are posting on here at the age of 27. Do you even see how wrong this all is. Find yourself somebody grown up!

There are so many red flags to this guys behaviour. THIS is who he is, don’t ignore the warning signs or you’ll be back here in 2 years having had his child, lost your friends and family and find yourself saddled with his mother to look after too.

now and find a new flat share and move out ASAP.