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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Really upset after a rediculous argument

55 replies

serendipity909 · 24/06/2020 09:27

My husband and I have been married nearly a year. We've had quite a few issues in that time but a few months ago we decided to draw a line and move and try harder to make it work. Things have been overall better and we've had somr nice moments, mostly until Monday this week.

I don't work Mondays but I had a dentist appointment in the town I work on. I get on really well with my colleagues and so I planned to pop into work and say hi, and also grab a disposable face mask, as the dentist requested you wear one.
So I go to leave about 15 minutes early and tell my husband what I'm doing. He says 'why don't you just wear the reusable one I use on the bus?' so I just say oh no its okay thanks this seems easier. I feel like a normal person would leave it there?
He starts getting agitated and questioning why I wouldn't use his one, that it doesn't make any sense etc. I stayed calm the whole time and just said this was just what I'd planned to do and it suits me etc. I said the dentist might prefer a more sterile brand new mask.

I left with us in a bad place. I came home and he said sorry in a fairly insincere tone, I still felt a bit attacked so I just said that I wish we could both accept sometimes we will approach things differently. This reignited him and he kept Yelling the same stuff as earlier at me. I kept saying it really doesn't matter its just a face mask?
He carried on to the point I started crying. I didnt say anything but he just responded with 'tears aren't a weapon you know'.

We kind of patched stuff up since but I still feel so upset that he could suggest for a second I was crying to manipulate him in any way and be so cold to me.

Since the argument I have had stomach cramps and nausea on and off and I'm not sure if it's related. I feel so upset, I was thinking I need to talk to him mors today.

What would you do/think of this behaviour?

OP posts:

Nowstrong · 24/06/2020 09:35

I don't think I would bother trying to make it work... All this just over a face mask. Here (not in the UK), it would be "understood" that for a dental appointment you would wear a sterile face mask. Not a used one. Which might not have been properly washed. All this just one year into a marriage. Goodness knows when a "serious" matter appears.

hellsbellsmelons · 24/06/2020 10:11

Not even a year married and all this drama!???
WHY???
Why are you both flogging this dead horse?
It makes no sense at all.
It is NOT working.
Accept that!
It should be the honeymoon phase. This just sounds fucking exhausting.
Life is waaaayyy too short.
Agree to separate as you do not get on and cannot resolve issues and get on with your separate lives and have some fun.
Jeezzzzz....

SandieCheeks · 24/06/2020 10:14

Is this a one off, or does he often get like this if you don't do things his way or do what he tells you to?

Jajarolo · 24/06/2020 10:32

Was this an arranged marriaged? Why would you grab a mask from work? You see your work colleagues 4 days a week why couldnt you say hi on tuesday? Is your husband jealous from your work?
It sounds so petty and miserable and you should be in the honey moon phase! If you have children, it will get so much worse.

Original poster

serendipity909 · 24/06/2020 10:32

@SandieCheeks he has been like this in the past too. He gets cross at me when he can't understand why I'm doing something a certain way. He once accused me of buying us bedding (I sent him a pic and said we could return it if he didn't like it when I Showed it to him in person as well) before I'd asked if he wanted me to. I literally had to show him time stamps of our messages and the time on the receipt. His response was 'well, you only bought it 5 minutes after I said okay'.
We agreed to leave all this stuff in the past and it was hard but I feel we've done well mostly but now it's just square one again.

I don't really want to live this way and I'm thinking we might just be beating a dead horse but the idea of divorce is terrifying too 😢

OP posts:

PrincessHoneysuckle · 24/06/2020 10:34

some nice moments in a year? Thats not good

LesleysChestnutBob · 24/06/2020 10:35

Well he had a point didn't he, using his one would have been easier. If this is the sort of thing you argue about to this extent perhaps you just need to have a hard think about if this is how you want to live the rest of your life

LesleysChestnutBob · 24/06/2020 10:36

Oh... The stuff about the bedding is fucking weird. If we need new bedding I buy new bedding I don't run it past my fiance first. He sounds like a nightmare

pog100 · 24/06/2020 10:42

Ultimately be sounds like he can't let you be a free entity and needs to be in control. You can't and shouldn't accept this. I think it's very unlikely that he'll change. I would get out while your lives aren't linked by a child, I assume.

BrambleJam978 · 24/06/2020 10:42

Did you feel like you had to get his permission before buying the bedding? I don't know , I would probably check with my husband that he liked my choice, it is something that we would share so I understand that... Was his concern financial or practical with the bedding?

There's something quite concerning about the way he talks to you in my opinion. He doesn't seem to like that you don't defer to him , and he seems to think you should pick up on his moods and take them into consideration when making decisions i.e. the bedding ?

Have you other concerns?

Snowdown24 · 24/06/2020 10:44

Well he was right, why travel to get one when one is in front of you, that doesn’t make sense. However in your case I would have took it and said thanks DH then gone to work and got the one you wanted.

TwentyViginti · 24/06/2020 10:46

He's a controlling twat. This will only get worse until you're terrified of making any decision of your own. In time, you'll actually become incapable of making decisions and will have them made for you.

Snowdown24 · 24/06/2020 10:48

The bedding thing isn’t a big deal either, why do you argue about silly things?

If he said you could get it then changed his mind that’s fine, he can take it back to the shop and get one he likes as long as you like it too. I wouldn’t have bothered with showing messages and times, if his changes his mind that’s fine, he can get a different one, if that’s a problem for him he has two choices, keep it or return it, no big deal.

Sounds like your in a rut of arguing over silly things when the pair of you really don’t need too.

steppemum · 24/06/2020 10:49

when people say that the first year of marriage can be hard, they don't mean it can be miserabel, they mean that adjusting to each other can take time.
that happens in the framework or love, fun, honeymoon, enjoying each other.

This sounds miserable. He sounds controlling.

Either - leave, or, get along to a marriage counsellor and work through this communication stuff. (which may result in you realising that you need ot leave, but at least you will have given it your best shot, and the counselling will help you to understand what has gone wrong)

BrambleJam978 · 24/06/2020 10:49

@Snowdown24

Would you have placated him for an easy life?... I was like this when I was very young and it just made me feel like I wasn't being true to myself... In my opinion , it's better to do what the OP did and just be honest about your intentions.

I'm not trying to be argumentative here , I get what you're saying .

Original poster

serendipity909 · 24/06/2020 10:57

Just to clarify, I was going into work as I'd be parking right next to it for the dentist. My colleagues are female so he doesn't seem jealous. I've felt a bit lonely during the lock down as my other friends do not live near me so it's just nice to have more human contact I guess? It didn't cause me any extra effort to get a disposable mask basically.
I see that it would also not be any more effort to use his except as I said I felt a properly sterile one was appropriate. I'm not upset he offered or felt his was an easy option too. I'm upset he decided it was worth turning into an excuse to yell at me.

The bedding thing was that we have different tastes sometimes, not financial. I saw it on sale and knew we needed another set quite badly.

OP posts:

Original poster

serendipity909 · 24/06/2020 11:00

@Snowdown24 I only showed him the messages because when I got home that day he was being snide to me saying I'd bought it before he'd said he liked it. I didn't like the accusation and had a way to show him I was considerate of his opinion, which I was.

OP posts:

BrambleJam978 · 24/06/2020 11:05

The problem is not about the decisions you have made concerning face masks and bedding...The problem is that your husband isn't allowing you to make simple decisions about your own life without putting his view across repeatedly and getting upset when you don't do what he wants.

And everyone should be able to make these decisions without having to justify ourselves.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/06/2020 11:06

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

If this is what your marriage is like now at this early stage then its not going to get any better. He is controlling as well and therefore joint counselling therefore is a non starter here.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of; its about power and control.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Did your dad treat your mum similarly?.

SandieCheeks · 24/06/2020 11:10

Most husbands (or wives) wouldn't have an opinion about which mask their spouse used, let alone create a big argument about you not doing as you were told.

I wonder if you mostly do as you're told to avoid an argument?

scotgal2017 · 24/06/2020 11:21

It is a form of control. You will constantly be defending your thoughts/feelings/actions and trying to prove things like the conversation about the bedding for the rest of your life. Believe me it gets exhausting and makes you doubt yourself when you shouldn't. Towards the end of my abusive marriage, I told my ex something that was written on a website that belonged to a government authority - he told me I was wrong even though it was there in black and white, he tried to gaslight. Thankfully he left not long after that and I can now be and think and feel however the hell I want. Don't stay and condemn yourself to 20 years like I did.

PopPopPopPopPop · 24/06/2020 11:27

Honestly OP, your future with this man is far more terrifying than divorcing him now. What if you have kids? You'll be exactly where he wants you and he will abuse you even further.

And yes, this is abuse. You are entitled to make decisions as much as he is. You can decide what mask you want to wear and if you want to buy bedding. You don't need his permission.

A face mask is a tiny thing but he's made it an issue because it's all about power and control, as other PPs have said. I would seriously consider leaving him, this is not going to get any better, in fact it will get worse. Much worse,

Bettysprocker · 24/06/2020 11:47

I wouldn't have run either of those decisions by DH, let alone felt I had to justify them. That really is not normal.

FlowersAreBeautiful · 24/06/2020 11:50

He sounds like such hard work. It's not normal to get so annoyed about which face mask you choose to wear. Does he 'challenge' your decisions all the time or is he just like this as it's lockdown?

BendyLikeBeckham · 24/06/2020 11:59

OP, get a pregnancy test ASAP. If your symptoms of nausea and cramps are from pregnancy, you need to factor this in to your decision.

And i agree with PP that this is a controlling man, who gets angry and shouts at you when you don't do things his way. Trust me, this will only escalate over the years, and you will live your life tiptoeing around him trying to avoid his abusive outbursts, and being grateful to him for any 'moments of niceness'. That is no life.

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