Really upset after a rediculous argument

[serendipity909]

My husband and I have been married nearly a year. We've had quite a few issues in that time but a few months ago we decided to draw a line and move and try harder to make it work. Things have been overall better and we've had somr nice moments, mostly until Monday this week.

I don't work Mondays but I had a dentist appointment in the town I work on. I get on really well with my colleagues and so I planned to pop into work and say hi, and also grab a disposable face mask, as the dentist requested you wear one.
So I go to leave about 15 minutes early and tell my husband what I'm doing. He says 'why don't you just wear the reusable one I use on the bus?' so I just say oh no its okay thanks this seems easier. I feel like a normal person would leave it there?
He starts getting agitated and questioning why I wouldn't use his one, that it doesn't make any sense etc. I stayed calm the whole time and just said this was just what I'd planned to do and it suits me etc. I said the dentist might prefer a more sterile brand new mask.

I left with us in a bad place. I came home and he said sorry in a fairly insincere tone, I still felt a bit attacked so I just said that I wish we could both accept sometimes we will approach things differently. This reignited him and he kept Yelling the same stuff as earlier at me. I kept saying it really doesn't matter its just a face mask?
He carried on to the point I started crying. I didnt say anything but he just responded with 'tears aren't a weapon you know'.

We kind of patched stuff up since but I still feel so upset that he could suggest for a second I was crying to manipulate him in any way and be so cold to me.

Since the argument I have had stomach cramps and nausea on and off and I'm not sure if it's related. I feel so upset, I was thinking I need to talk to him mors today.

What would you do/think of this behaviour?

The face mask is not the issue. (But of course two people don't share a single mask. That would be bonkers. With reusables, you each use a freshly washed mask when you go out every day.)

"Tears are not a weapon" - a) if he doesn't like you crying, maybe he could try not upsetting you. b) he's telling you that you are opponents in a battle he wants to win.

You sound like you've been married for ten years and are sick of one another. Not like you've just got married.

Make sure not to get pregnant.

Another day another nightmare man thread Mumsnet
@serendipity909 If I were you I would leave this person before you have children or then you will never be rid of him. If you are pregnant I would not have this man’s baby no matter how much you might want to be a mother .
Once you have children with a controlling man it’s game over. Take it from me.

You will never be able to relax and live a happy life the way you want to be as a person.
Get out while you can
Divorcing someone that is going to lane you unhappy is a drop in the ocean of misery that will be your marriage.

He is controlling. It will only get worse.

I'm thinking the cramps and nausea is just stress, I'm noticing it seems better when I'm away from him, which sounds awful. We are always very careful with contraception but I will take a test just to rule it out completely, but I'm 99% sure it's not pregnancy.
I've never really wanted kids, so it wouldn't be the right decision and especially considering the way our relationship is.

It's coercive control not an "argument" .

The way you are living will have a detrimental physical impact on you. Walking on eggshells all the time trying to appease and pre-empt his controlling behaviour will mean your body ends up perpetually flooded with cortisol, which is really damaging in the long run.

Never mind the damage this is doing to your head.

Is there a reason you’re staying in a marriage that has had a few nice moments in a year?

So, taking a step back, think about why you married.
What was he like before? How well did you know each other? Were you living together? Is this behaviour new?

This is so surprising in such a new marriage, that it is either a sign that he is abuse and now showing his true colours (common)

or you didn't know each other at all before, which sadly means that you have discovered he is not a nice man

or somethign else is going on, eg he is having a breakdown, hence why I asked if the behaviour is more recent

This isn't healthy. It sounds as though he isn't seeing you as an individual, capable of and entitled to make your own decisions. It is now making you stressed to the point you are showing physical symptoms. If this is his reaction with facemasks and bedding, what will he be like when big decisions need to be made in the future. Does he have anger or stress issues?

Oh god, every day must seem like a year when you're married to a man like this.

Life doesn't have to be hard, OP. Not all men are like this. You deserve so much better.

It's all to do with control. I had this in my relationship with exH except I would have this most nights about the most inconsequential things. You were reduced to tears through exasperation because it's relentless and unreasonable.
I got so mentally drained, I eventually felt worthless and decided my kids and everyone else would be better off without me.

Please don't let it get to that stage. xxx

Oh god this doesn't sound healthy at all.

The first year of marriage should be lots of fun and laughing and happiness with the odd disagreement.

He does sound very controlling. Why is he questioning what you do and ending it in heated arguments if you don't do as he said. The face mask and duvet are small things, he shouldn't be shouting at you over these, what happens if something serious came up.

You shouldn't have to prove conversations with times and texts. This is actually frightening to read.

Why on earth do you have to run buying a duvet cover by him? Jesus I could put a black sack on our bed and he wouldn't care. That's very disturbing that you have to ask to buy something. Is he like this with other stuff? I get asking/discussing if spending large amounts of money but a duvet cover....

I'm sure there's probably more you haven't said, but look, honestly I don't think you should stay in this marriage, you can be whoever you want to be, you are your own person, and not feel controlled and be able to go to the dentist without ending up in physical pain and sick.

Good luck (be safe)

Bloody hell OP only a year in and your putting up with this nonsence.

Me and my DH very rarely argue and we have 5DC,2 of our DC are autistic and I became really ill after we had our 5th DC and I've been left disabled.

With my first marriage there were no DC and I wasn't ill or disabled and there would be arguments constantly(I say arguments he'd shout and bang about and I'd listen)the difference was the man I was married to.

Your DH is showing signs of coercive control and Gaslighting,that was something that I faced with my ex husband,by the time I managed to get away from him I'd had 2DC,getting a divorce isn't that hard so please don't use that as a reason to not leave and have a better life.

I agree with @ohtheholidays above. Divorce is daunting but it's just a process like any other and not that hard once you push the button, especially without kids

My ex did things like this.

Years passed, he got worse. I would cry and cry and desperately try to change in order to please him and stop him from picking at everything, upsetting me, giving me silent treatment. I lived on eggshells.

Eventually it devolved into him actually telling me he "knew" I was cheating on him etc. I began to look back and realized that the arguments were usually centred around me leaving the house. He had simply never trusted me, was massively anxious, and was totally unable and unwilling to admit that vulnerability to me... so instead, he just made my life hell for years.

Just divorce now. Seriously. I've done the whole "lets work on this" thing with a man like this - that way madness lies. It's not meant to be this difficult. It really isnt.

OP, he might just be an arsehole, in which case, obviously fuck this shit and LTB.

However when I read your OP, my first reaction was 'rookie mistake, if she'd just said 'because I want to use this one' he wouldn't have got frustrated with the lack of logic'.

The reason I thought this is because this conversation sounds incredibly familiar to me, as many of my family members are neurodivergent (ASD/ADHD). They wouldn't be able to understand why I would do something while simultaneously acknowledging that it might not be the most logical course of action, as the notion of doing something illogical for other random reasons sounds absolutely insane to them.

Decisions driven by emotion and based on feelings seem inexplicable to my DD, for example, because she finds it really hard to comprehend what feelings feel like and how one would make a decision based on these mysterious made up things. It all just sounds like magical bollocks to her!

Again, with the bedding argument, it seems like he took what you said literally, in that the only possible way you could take the bedding back is if you've already bought it, whereas from your perspective it was a casual suggestion about the fact even if you do both commit to buying it now, that decision isn't set in stone.

Similarly, with the crying, if someone doesn't really understand emotions and that people sometimes do things based on feelings rather than logic, it can be hard for them to understand that you're crying as a result of being upset as opposed to crying to achieve something (which, to many neurodivergent people, would be the only logical reason to do anything).

These are exactly the kind of communication issues that come up in my house constantly, so while DH's shouting and the way he's managing his lack of understanding is obviously completely unacceptable, it's possible there's another explanation as to why he's getting so frustrated in the first place.

I'm not suggesting he is neurodivergent, and I'm certainly not suggesting that his tantrums are acceptable behaviour, nor that you should have to modify your behaviour appease him.

But if he does find it difficult to appreciate that sometimes life isn't logical, it might be worth thinking about how you can both work to communicate better, since you're both coming at things from completely different angles.

I'm thinking the cramps and nausea is just stress, I'm noticing it seems better when I'm away from him, which sounds awful.
Wow OP. And this is less than a year into marriage - this isn't good...

And nor is this.
We've had quite a few issues
Or

He carried on to the point I started crying. I didnt say anything but he just responded with 'tears aren't a weapon you know'.

If he's like this so early in your marriage when you are BOTH supposed to be trying again there's not much hope he'll be any nicer later on.

Perhaps you should consider separation for a while bus there anyone you can move in with whilst you take a long think about your next steps? And yes, hope your stomach cramps are just served and you aren't pregnant... I hope things get better for you. 🌹

I don't think it's just him OP, it sounds like it's both of you. You don't know how to communicate properly or resolve differences effectively. This often happens at the beginning of a relationship when there's a bit of a power struggle. It's at this point, the couple either accept their differences and compromise or split up.

Have you considered couple's counselling? Many people wait until it's too late and the relationship is irretrievable. Now would be an ideal time to work out how to communicate effectively.

You could check out Relate.

my first reaction was 'rookie mistake, if she'd just said 'because I want to use this one' he wouldn't have got frustrated with the lack of logic'.
Hm, possible - I thought "She didn't tell him that she was getting it from her work because she wanted to go in anyway" - similar idea, that he couldn't understand why OP would get a mask from work when there was one right there. But even if he didn't understand, why did he make such a huge fuss about it? Yelling etc. Surely if this is how he reacted to every little thing he doesn't instantly "get", then he'd have massive difficulties at work and with life in general? Sounds a lot like he is only reacting with tantrums with OP. And this comment "tears aren't a weapon" doesn't sound like something a person would say who can't read between lines.

Sounds like he has to put the attention back on himself every time there is the smallest opportunity. He was jealous of the attention you were giving to your work mates.
These attention seekers, as soon as they see you thinking or talking about anything else, there will be an introjection, an interruption or something that means the topic being discussed has to go through them.

It leads to a slow undermining of your confidence in your ability to make a decision.
If you expressed a desire to buy more teaspoons, a man like this would say 'but we have enough teaspoons'.
Not because he cares about teaspoons.
But because you showed a passion or a teeny desire for something other than him. Like you buying the bedclothes. You 'cheated' on him by liking a duvet cover. He didn't like that.

Surely if this is how he reacted to every little thing he doesn't instantly "get", then he'd have massive difficulties at work and with life in general?

Maybe.

I think there's also a possible explanation for that and the 'tears' comment that are consistent with neurodivergence IME.

Happy to give my take on those if OP thinks it might be helpful to her, but I feel I've said enough on neurodivergence to make my point and I certainly don't want to come across as an abuse apologist if the OP thinks I'm way off base and talking crap!

@1235kbm

A power struggle?
They’ve been married for a year and he’s behaving like this?
This isn’t a power struggle - which in any event is not a healthy basis for any intimate relationship - it is a situation where any disagreement or Divergence of opinion is seized upon as a vehicle to manipulate , guilt trip or exhaust the OP.

Please don’t mollify or try to rationalise this man’s behaviour. That is dangerous

Why did you get married to him?
Not being goads but you must have had some reason..,, if it's only a year why are you scared of divorcing?? It's better realising you have made a mistake and acting on it than realising you've made a mistake and not changing it..
If things have been this hard in the first year ... what could change to make it less hard... that doesn't mean you have to lose yourself ...would counselling help or undertaking relationships counselling help because you can feel you tried???? It can work for some ....Look at sunk costs fallacy for the fear of moving forward....

Tbh when we got married I had lot of doubts, mostly they started since we began living together about 8 months before the wedding day. Things have mostly been so unsteady that I have a lot of regrets that I didn't listen to my gut instinct.

When we had issues earlier in the year he told me he would go to counselling to address why he treats me like this sometimes. He said regardless of whether we were going to work out he wanted to change this part of himself as he knew it was bad. Sadly it only lasted 2 sessions with a counsellor before telling me 'it wasn't the right time'.

We had a talk last night about it again as it had been playing on my mind. He said that he felt I wasn't making any effort to change, I disagreed as he had said he wanted me to be more affectionate. I feel like I am very affectionate towards him so I wasn't really sure how to react. He also brought up that I hadn't been wearing my wedding band, despite knowing that I took if off a few months ago as my eczema flared up all over my hand and fingers . I haven't worn any of my normal rings that I've worn my whole life. I understand that the ring is a symbol of commitment to him, but I feel like how we treat each other is a bigger symbol of that. He just ended up getting really annoyed at me, and started pointing his finger at me saying 'you haven't made any progress'.

and started pointing his finger at me saying 'you haven't made any progress'
Oh the fucking irony right there!!!

he had said he wanted me to be more affectionate
How can you be affectionate to someone like this???

Please get out!
It doesn't get better the more you write - it gets worse - far worse.
RUN!!!!!