DF retired and has nothing to do with himself all day

[Flyg]

I am hoping I may find some good suggestions here for what retired men in their 70's spend their time doing. My DF's retirement was forced a bit suddenly by the pandemic, not only is he in his 70's and a diabetic, but also his clients are all OAP's and so where he was slowly handing his business over to other people, he's had to end up doing it all at once.

The problem is that he is beyond bored now and just doesnt know what to do with himself at all. He's always just worked and gone to the football, which of course now it just the TV as no one can go to the grounds at the moment. A situation that should revert eventually, so thats something for the future.

He is quite stubborn and is turning down most suggestions me and DM are making. So far he has turned his nose up at internet forums and baking. His hip means the amount of walking he can do is limited, he doesnt want to get into cooking, hates gardening, currently cant see friends he has who run the local car parts shop (another situation that should improve). He's not a massive reader either.

His time is filled with seeing me and his grandchildren (SD of course) my brothers visits once or twice a week and the rest of the time he is just attaching himself to my DM and its a bit too much for her, she has quite a full life and does gardening, cooking from scratch, french online classes, different friendship groups, knitting etc. She retired only last month after 40 odd years as a nurse and her life is already active and varied.

So I suppose what I am asking for is for you all to just throw at me all the things your DF's or FIL's or DH's (if retired) do with themselves all day.

Thank you for reading this far

I think OP (and I mean this in a kindly way) it’s important to maybe understand if it’s your mum that actually wants him to have hobbies in order to give her a bit more ‘space’ because he’s always ‘there’ , or if it’s because she doesn’t like to see him ‘not doing much’. To be honest some retired blokes are really quite happy reading the paper, doing crosswords, watching TV and going for the odd pint and holidays too and not much else and that’s actually what makes them happy. If he isn’t happy, then that’s different. The partner really then has to decide exactly why they feel the other person needs hobbies, if it’s the lack of space or they become clingy or being honest become plain boring as they have little to talk about , then they need to address this mismatch as a couple, because you can find tons of great things to do but they do need to actually want to do something off their own back.

My dad is the same. He has thrown himself into DIY. Painting, repairing, building walls cleaning guttering, and then sleeping in his armchair.

This isn’t a woman sorting out a man’s life. It’s someone worried about a person they love. Would people be so up in arms if the OP was talking about her mother?

It might help for him to up his fitness. You could get him a fitbit or apple watch he can walk around. Dad is basically living for his 10-15k steps a day. He does them slowly but has such a sense of achievement.

@tarasmalatarocks

I think OP (and I mean this in a kindly way) it’s important to maybe understand if it’s your mum that actually wants him to have hobbies in order to give her a bit more ‘space’ because he’s always ‘there’ , or if it’s because she doesn’t like to see him ‘not doing much’. To be honest some retired blokes are really quite happy reading the paper, doing crosswords, watching TV and going for the odd pint and holidays too and not much else and that’s actually what makes them happy. If he isn’t happy, then that’s different. The partner really then has to decide exactly why they feel the other person needs hobbies, if it’s the lack of space or they become clingy or being honest become plain boring as they have little to talk about , then they need to address this mismatch as a couple, because you can find tons of great things to do but they do need to actually want to do something off their own back.

Thank you that is good advice. And honestly thank you as well for the kind tone of your post. Its a subject close to my heart as many peoples Fathers wellbeing no doubt is.

@TheFaerieQueene

This isn’t a woman sorting out a man’s life. It’s someone worried about a person they love. Would people be so up in arms if the OP was talking about her mother?

Thank you

@GrumpyHoonMain

It might help for him to up his fitness. You could get him a fitbit or apple watch he can walk around. Dad is basically living for his 10-15k steps a day. He does them slowly but has such a sense of achievement.

He does need to do this. He's recently had a very nasty fall that resulted in a hospital admission, that was heartbreakingly after the first time he had ventured out since lockdown too. His confidence (by his own admission) is down at the moment, but he will hopefully get his fitness back up to at least make walking a possibility again. He cant drive anymore so he really needs to get the walking back.

What about joining the local parish council or at least offering to help them in local initiatives such as footpath warden etc?
If it’s mental stimulation - a lot of men do church bell ringing.
Or how about being a governor for a local school or charity trustee?

Anyone's free to idealised their parents.

Change the age on your post, and think again OP.
He does not need infantilising because of his age. Step out of martyr mode.
"Help" all you want OP, throw the suggestions about but some people can't be helped and won't be helped because... That's who they are! Or have become.
You adore your dad, then accept him. Give suggestions when help is asked for. At least that's respectful. Accepting certain changes in a person, as they age, is also respectful.

Some people are incredibly active all their lives, at least cognitively - the relatives of whom you are getting suggestions from. It's not the reality for most.

I had a relative - great, great Grandma, who lived to 104 years old and was a firecracker er. I only knew her older than 90. Going off that, my suggestions are:
marathon walking,
DIY,
Wood chopping with an axe for the fireplace
Vegetable growing
Open water swimming

There. I just joined in with the well meaning madness. You're welcome.

Voluntary work? Food bank, Giving lifts for hospitals, become a friend of local hospital and helping there, Street pastor volunteer. (Some are religious and some are not then look after the pary goers at night.).
Volunteer with a charity shop, sometimes they want delivery/collecion drivers.
Homeless charity.
Local animal shelter.

@willsa

Anyone's free to idealised their parents.

Change the age on your post, and think again OP.
He does not need infantilising because of his age. Step out of martyr mode.
"Help" all you want OP, throw the suggestions about but some people can't be helped and won't be helped because... That's who they are! Or have become.
You adore your dad, then accept him. Give suggestions when help is asked for. At least that's respectful. Accepting certain changes in a person, as they age, is also respectful.

Some people are incredibly active all their lives, at least cognitively - the relatives of whom you are getting suggestions from. It's not the reality for most.

I had a relative - great, great Grandma, who lived to 104 years old and was a firecracker er. I only knew her older than 90. Going off that, my suggestions are:
marathon walking,
DIY,
Wood chopping with an axe for the fireplace
Vegetable growing
Open water swimming

There. I just joined in with the well meaning madness. You're welcome.

Just wow. You are so off target with all of that

@TheFaerieQueene

This isn’t a woman sorting out a man’s life. It’s someone worried about a person they love. Would people be so up in arms if the OP was talking about her mother?

I would have said exactly the same thing

I must admit i didnt expect so many people to suggest I was treating my father like a child, or really just doing it to make myself feel better, or that I was disrespectful and should just leave him alone. Neither did I expect anyone to suggest work was hiding nastier parts of my dads personality

I dont really know why some of you have leapt to those assumptions about us, possibly you or someone you know has been made to feel like a child before, or you know some annoying/busy body types and you're trying to spare my father the same experience?

You need not worry, I am fairly sure I dont annoy my dad, we get on really well and see each other 2 or 3 times a week. I'd just like to make some suggestions to him as he has lost work, football, driving and (for now) walking and socialising in a short space of time.

It WOULD be the same talking about someone's ageing mother with a rapidly deteriorating health.
Sometimes they won't, sometimes they can't! Chop wood or something. Show some respect people, it's not easy getting old and infirm, I'd imagine particularly with well meaning relatives wanting you to be all chirpy, out and about, feeding cats at sanctuary and throwing darts whilst you're blind in one eye.

But hey, here's another suggestion from my jolly babe of great grandma:

Nude saunas. She loved them! Slipped and broke some ribs once but was back there in no time.

I think as I said in my previous post the important thing to get to grips with is if he actually needs/wants to do much and just is a bit lacking in ideas, in which case many suggestions on here are great or if the pressure is coming from your mum because of your mum finding it a bit unbearable and dull - and that’s really something they need to sort between themselves. If it’s any consolation it would annoy the pants off me too and I think maybe it’s why you do see a lot of very active women in 60s and 70s , because they don’t want to be stuck in with someone content to watch TV and read the paper all day — the reverse is true of course- some women are like this as well .

How about getting an electric bike - that will help with his hip pain and he should be able to go further than a normal bike with less effort. You could probably hire one from a bike shop for a day so he could see how he got on with it? Look on facebook to see if there is a group in your area that he could join to go out in groups.

@Flyg
You thoroughly mean well. The road ahead won't be easy because you clearly care about your dad a lot.
All the best to you both.

You will eventually learn from your own life experiences because you won't accept advice from those that have travelled that road. And that advice does not include not loving or not caring for your dad.

When lockdown eases

Visit local area on market day
Attend auctions, you don't have to buy
Declutter & sell at car boot sale

Join a volunteer group
eg
transport people to hospital or medical appointments
Befriend someone in person or on phone once a week
Raise money for charity
Litter picking
Find something that he wants to volunteer for or start own volunteer group

Research holiday & book in home country or abroad

Wood collecting, you would be surprised at the amount of wood that gets thrown away !

Wood chopping is very relaxing

I love my wood pile

In normal times:
DF goes to Probus club
Small DIY jobs at his own pace
Walks to get a newspaper every morning
Helps with grandchildren and their pets
Crossword most days
Chats with neighbors over the hedge
Goes on “outings” in the car with DM to places for lunch
Visits DSister’s cafe
Visits relatives in other towns
It fills his day

When they first retired they moved house and also took trips to the US and various other countries they had always wanted to see. He did things like taking a helicopter ride and so on from his bucket list.

The retired men of my acquaintance ( 4 of them ages ranging from 66 to 74) are all usually very happy to spend their time using screens - TV or Laptop. They read newspapers/watch old TV programmes/ listen to music . They also contribute to forums according to their interests -sometimes getting into furious arguments that then spill over into their domestic life ! They follow horse racing ,football and rugby and place bets .One has learned to play an unusual musical instrument and buys new ones over the internet. One does like modelling and does a little of that but hasnt the space for a layout(yet) .
They potter about in the house and garden doing things that crop up and seem happy enough not having to stick to a timetable. They are happy to go out for meals and to meet friends for drinks at the pub but dont cling on these social occasions for dear life. Its just one part of the week to them.

However. from my observations it took them some time to get to this point. The youngest was actually fine as he was really looking forward to not being tied to the clock. Their wives all left them to themselves for some part of every day and got on with their own lives. Apart from social outings none of the couples do anything as a pair.
None of them volunteer either or attend any organised activities.

These are all men who were hard workers during their younger days and didnt have much time or money for hobbies. They certainly didnt have time for volunteering as they were either working or at home with the children while the wife then went out to work.

So I would say to OP . Let your DF have some time to get to understand how retirement will affect him and if he asks about what he can do them you have loads of great suggestions to offer him
As for tagging along with your DM - thats for them to sort out . Its a common problem but one that only the pair of them can manage themselves. You making suggestions - no matter how gently - may only hamper any progress they make on that front.

Bellringing
Learning another language/travel
Amateur theatre (not just acting, lots of technical roles available)

Popped back to see if walking football had been mentioned - you said he liked football. Or if that is still too active, subbuteo?

My next door neighbour is a big U3A-er ( as is my mum, all her friends...) and he does subbuteo with the U3A. Started it when his hip meant he had to give walking football a swerve...

Get him an Xbox and Skyrim. Hours and hours of time taken up.

University of the 3rd Age. All kinds of different activities.