DF retired and has nothing to do with himself all day

[Flyg]

I am hoping I may find some good suggestions here for what retired men in their 70's spend their time doing. My DF's retirement was forced a bit suddenly by the pandemic, not only is he in his 70's and a diabetic, but also his clients are all OAP's and so where he was slowly handing his business over to other people, he's had to end up doing it all at once.

The problem is that he is beyond bored now and just doesnt know what to do with himself at all. He's always just worked and gone to the football, which of course now it just the TV as no one can go to the grounds at the moment. A situation that should revert eventually, so thats something for the future.

He is quite stubborn and is turning down most suggestions me and DM are making. So far he has turned his nose up at internet forums and baking. His hip means the amount of walking he can do is limited, he doesnt want to get into cooking, hates gardening, currently cant see friends he has who run the local car parts shop (another situation that should improve). He's not a massive reader either.

His time is filled with seeing me and his grandchildren (SD of course) my brothers visits once or twice a week and the rest of the time he is just attaching himself to my DM and its a bit too much for her, she has quite a full life and does gardening, cooking from scratch, french online classes, different friendship groups, knitting etc. She retired only last month after 40 odd years as a nurse and her life is already active and varied.

So I suppose what I am asking for is for you all to just throw at me all the things your DF's or FIL's or DH's (if retired) do with themselves all day.

Thank you for reading this far

@willsa

Hm.. I'm sorry (feels like bursting a bubble) but I do not think it is up to women to entertain a bored adult man. Particularly one that doesn't seem to be receptive to advice. Have you/your mum always panered to him and tip toed around his needs? Your poor mum. I can't see why age would be an excuse to carry on in a shit relationship. By the way, male inertness, boredom and being dull and grumpy is one of the main reasons for women to ask for a divorce in older age. Women, who want to have an active, fulfilled life. Imagine a man in his 30's sitting at home with plenty of free time on his hands and moaning day in, day out that he's bored. I'd be outta there immediately. Why would that be different in retirement? Another thing is, it might be the kind of old age setting in where the mental health rapidly deteriorates. My grandad was similar. Working, busy, allotments. Retired. Carried on busying himself with reading, gardening, cooking. Then those hobbies for no apparent reason were dropped. Suggestions were turned now. At the same time he started losing lucidity in conversations. Developed diabetes, started losing his eyesight. Became quite grumpy and objectionable to everything. From my point of view what's happening to your dad is either his unpleasant ways are more obvious now he's at home all day, or it's "old" old age. Look after your mum. She will need it in both scenarios.

Thanks for that willsa, i'll just let him continue to wilt away to nothing, he's only my dad afterall.

This is a new problem, made worse by the pandemic, its only really emerged in the last few weeks and of course we dont "have to" try to pull him back from the brink, but we are trying to because we love him.

Me and my mum are extremely close and it absolutely goes without saying im there for her, as she is for me. And I have told her she should not feel responsible for him, she knows that, we are just trying to help him while he is down. He has helped us up when we have been down throughout our lives.

His unpleasant ways are just more obvious? No he's an old man whose health and mobility are starting to fail him, luckily his family are not.

Well I'm not a man and I'm not retired - but, quite honestly, if my lifetime of work came to a sudden end I'd be beyond insulted if my relatives started googling things for me to do.

Surely it's just a matter of weeks since he found himself retired? Unless he has significant mental health problems I can't really understand why you don't leave him to himself. If he's under your mother's feet surely she can deal with that by just getting on with her independent interests.

Give him a chance to breathe and adjust.

Family history (a relative of mine used to go to the library and met a great group of friends that way),
Woodwork class,
Swimming,
Gym,
Volunteering,
Reading group.

If he's stubborn and refusing your suggestions, why do you think going to him with more suggestions will be better?

You'll be pretty pleased with yourself for having tried, but you haven't addressed the issue and just treated him like a child with a problem for you to sort out. You need a new strategy if you really want to help him. But that includes giving him the initiative.

From your posts it doesn't look like he's on the brim, he's latching to your mum, not withering away locked in his room.

This is an issue for them. Him and her.
They are retired and it might be a good idea for them to have a joint activity or a project.
Right now she's basically trying to keep him away from her life and he's leaning on the person closest to her.

Instead of finding a hobby for him, you can also engage him in something with you.
Say, chess in a club. If you go together, at some point he'll meet new people and will be happy to go without you.
Or it could become your thing together.

Sorry,
"he's leaning on the person closest to him."

I actually feel sorry for your dad.

It's his life - leave him alone to sort himself out! It's very early days and, I can tell you from experience, it takes time to get used to not being at work every day.

If he's bored, it's his problem to solve. Your DM has already sorted out her life, and she needs to leave him to get on with sorting out what he's going to do.

And you really don't need to interfere. He's not a child!

I'm also a bit puzzled as to why your mother - who presumably married your father in the hope of spending their retirement together - doesn't seem to welcome the start of this new stage of their lives.

I would be mortified if my spouse viewed me in the way you've outlined.

thanks Lweji, ive noted your views.

Gosh. Thank you for the suggestions from the people who have made them. I didnt realise I was such a bitch for asking for ideas to pick my dad up while he is down

You seem very defensive. Like your dad, perhaps, when you tell him he needs to be doing something different?
Think about it.

People are just disagreeing with your action plan and offering alternatives.

My parents have retired in the past few years and both taken to it very differently.

Mu dad will quite happily sit and watch telly most of the day. In between he will walk the dog and go to the shops for food. He will do tasks such as cleaning or gardening but only really when gently suggested by my mum but they have to have clear parameters e.g. can you clean the downstairs toilet and Hoover. Hes tried photography and other hobbies but nothing has stuck. Weve suggesting other things but he just gets really defensive so we are leaving him be. He just seems to want to do nothing in his retirement.

My mum sounds more like yours op. Dad does just want to do everything together but mum doesn't want to just sit and watch telly!

Basically what I'm trying to say is you can make all the suggestions you want but if he doesn't want to so it he wont. Plant ideas in his head and leave him to it.

Stuff retired men I know do:

• Gardening

• Allotments

• Volunteering as a part time guide at a National Trust type place (its actually not NT, still owned privately but that sort of place)

• DIY / Men's Shed Project (google it)

• Volunteering for other charities

• Pets (training puppy, walking dog)

• Rambling clubs

What job did he do? Did he enjoy it?

I do agree with a PP that you & DM need to have a stern word with him about making 'finding a hobby' his first little project. He may need to try a few things out before he finds something he likes.

Having a 'project' will give him something to do and stop him feeling like a spare part.

In the last few years my dad has done the following:

A creative writing course
Joined the local Am dram society (currently rehearsed readings online)
MD of a local choir
Currently teaching himself to sketch
Taken up swimming in the sea
Plays tennis more regularly

My dad’s awesome He is not great by any means at the above (Other than the music) although an intelligent man but he is enjoying learning new skills and seeing himself improve. It’s great to see!

I agree it seems to be a common problem that women find themselves looking after bored men who would not return the favour the other way round.

When my dad retired he floundered for a bit and then basically started doing bits of his paid job but as a volunteer. It works for him!

My DF retired a couple of years ago and my mum is still working. At times she was frustrated as when she came home he didn't seem to have achieved anything during the dat. I think after many years of working every day he just didn't want to commit anything even a dentist appointment! He spent so much of his time working, even 2 jobs when we were really young, that the amount of spare time he had was a bit overwhelming and all of the suggestions me and my mum gave him were met with resistance.

Now after a couple of years he has taken up photography, he has joined a club and regularly enters competitions. He also got a dog and enjoys walking with him. It just took him some time to settle into retirement.

U3A has all sorts- and they have started back doing some of the things that are outside and can be socially distanced. You can join all sorts of sub groups and social stuff. Also Rotary, Probus, Round Table - there is so much out there.

My dad is constantly on the go with allotment, DIY, Rotary volunteering/socialising, U3A groups and then golf and meet ups with people he's met at U3A and Rotary. They've been doing Zoom meetings all the way through - he didnt really slow down that much over lockdown. You have to make the effort though, I know he tried a few different U3A things before he found people he got on with and stuff he wanted to do again.

This sounds like a carbon copy of my parents except Dad retired 3 years ago.

I tried to encourage him to do some volunteering but he argued that he had worked for 50 years and wanted a break. I couldn’t argue with that!

Over the year, he has found himself getting involved with The National Garden Scheme, a local homeless charity and something else which I have forgotten - all of which have been guided by my mum. She is also very good at leaving him long ‘job lists’ or else he would end up sat in front of the box all day. He also delivers the local paper which sounds daft, but gives him routine and purpose and provides an opportunity for him to chat to others, which is something I know he misses.

I agree with previous posters who have said it’s not up to your mum to provide entertainment opportunities, but sometimes people just need a little hand hold/ nudge/ push in the right direction.

Is there a men’s shed near him? menssheds.org.uk/

With my father he needs to be needed so no hobby suggestions or busy work would have filled the gap. He shadows my mother around the house and drives her a little insane. She’s just sunk into a bath and he decides that he has to tell her Right Now about how he’s fixed the garden gate. This is after ‘the garden gate is sticking’ conversation when she’d just sat down to watch The Sewing Bee, the ‘I’m going to try to fix the garden gate’ conversation when she was taking the laundry upstairs, the monologue of ‘my trip to the shop to purchase things to fix the gate’ when she was on the loo (delivered through the door) and the ‘I’m going to fix the gate now’ announcement when she was on the phone to her sister.

Volunteer work seems to be a perfect fit for him and it’s helped to give my mother some space back and it’s helped him to feel useful and needed.

@Jellyhater

This sounds like a carbon copy of my parents except Dad retired 3 years ago.

I tried to encourage him to do some volunteering but he argued that he had worked for 50 years and wanted a break. I couldn’t argue with that!

Over the year, he has found himself getting involved with The National Garden Scheme, a local homeless charity and something else which I have forgotten - all of which have been guided by my mum. She is also very good at leaving him long ‘job lists’ or else he would end up sat in front of the box all day. He also delivers the local paper which sounds daft, but gives him routine and purpose and provides an opportunity for him to chat to others, which is something I know he misses.

I agree with previous posters who have said it’s not up to your mum to provide entertainment opportunities, but sometimes people just need a little hand hold/ nudge/ push in the right direction.

Thank you, exactly he may just need a bit of help right now, like when we needed help to pay the mortgage in the 1980's so he worked all day and drove a taxi til the early hours when me and my brother were young

Some really good ideas here. Thank you to those trying to help. I have also read that computer games can be good for short term memory loss, which we are starting to see, and football manager comes highly recomended for older gamers. Thats something I could see him getting addicted to if I start playing it with him at first.

@Lweji

You seem very defensive. Like your dad, perhaps, when you tell him he needs to be doing something different? Think about it.

People are just disagreeing with your action plan and offering alternatives.

I'm defensive because he's my Dad. Im not sure that is unusual???

Some people are projecting their own family situations a bit i suspect, so you think about that

When talking to him I am sensitive and wont patronise him or make him feel like a child. I dislike it when i see people talking like that to their parents, we have a very good relationship and I am sure it will be taken in the very well meaning way its intended. Im just tryin g to find him things to do with his new found (rather thrust upon him) freedom.

I respect that some people disagree with the approach, but its the one im taking as I think its the best one.

’I agree it seems to be a common problem that women find themselves looking after bored men who would not return the favour the other way round.’

So true. My mother worked full time, raised me and my siblings, cooked, cleaned and kept the house while my father worked and gave all his free time to his hobby. It was work first, then hobby, then his family (his parents) and then my mother. Now, since he had to give up his hobby 10 years ago (health reasons) and retired 5 years ago, he’s become like a clinging vine and he sulks if my mother leaves the house without him - like to have lunch with her sister once a month!

My FIL retired early and got heavily involved in the learned society of his former profession. He reckoned that he was busier than when he was working. He was swanning off to meetings and conferences all over the place into his 90's

To be honest my dad (like me) is the one with a dozen hobbies and my mum is at a loose end. Retirement is a big adjustment and change to the dynamic of a household/relationship, especially for people who have just got on with work for 50 years and haven't really needed to entertain themselves.