Is this stonewialling from boyfriend?

[Hereforadvice1000]

Been with boyfriend for around seven months. No major problems before this and everything seemed to be going well. We don't live together and are mid 30's.

Yesterday we had a minor disagreement over a WhatsApp call and I stood up for my opinions. Within a nano second he completely changed character. He went completely cold, quiet and just stared at me. I got upset, asked what was going on and he wouldn't respond on the call, just kept silent and staring at me. I ended up pretty much pleading for us to talk this through but he said he didn't want to show me any affection or love, that he didn't want to talk about it. He said that I would be disappointed if I expected him to be affectionate or to even remotely speak about what had happened.

After a further twenty or so minutes of him not speaking, and me feeling like I was talking to a brick wall I decided to end the call.

I didn't hear from him the rest of the day (call happened in the morning). This is very unusual as we're frequent texters. I have a feeling he was punishing me for standing up for myself.

Since the call I was anxious, worried and upset. He knew this and said nothing.

This morning I received a text from him saying that the reason he was quiet was because of me. That it was all my fault and that I put him in that position. He said I was acting like a madwoman (I wasn't, I remember being completely calm and adult about the disagreement).

I don't know what to do. My instinct is telling me to run. It's a relatively new relationship and I should get out before this happens again?

The reason I say this is because of the complete change of his character. Friendly, chatty and his usual self to stone cold silence within a nano second, with a silence that has lasted almost twenty four hours over a minor disagreement. He was like a completely different person. It scared me because of how quickly he changed.

Thank you for reading, sorry it was long.

Don’t apologise for swearing! Situations like this require a bit of swearing.

Yes, he’s loving it. He’s getting off on the power he can exert over you. Which brings me to the crucial question: have you blocked him yet?

@CardsforKittens yes I have.

It's so hard to mentally stop myself from wanting to text him.

I know deep inside this isn't good. He's not good for me. I know that so, so much. It's just hard. I know if I stay this is it. This is my life with him.

I bet he's fucking sleeping soundly whilst I'm awake, can't sleep, upset and worrying over it all.

Narcissistic abusers like him are skilled manipulators. Don’t sabotage your life. Cease all contact and block.

Well done! You are amazing and so strong!

You are absolutely right: if you stay, this will be your life. And it always gets worse.

It’s a mind fuck, what these guys do. They can be so lovely and sweet and understanding. Until they’re not. And they play to a script where they apologise and they say they love you and you want to believe them. Until the next time. There is always a next time.

You deserve so much better.

I bet he’s fucking sleeping soundly whilst I’m awake, can’t sleep, upset and worrying over it all.

His agenda is to diminish and destabilize you. Throwing you off-balance gives him immense satisfaction. Stay strong, OP.

He sounds so fucking scary

Please ignore him this time around, don’t get back together as you know it’s unhealthy

This post sent shivers down my spine, to stare at somebody for 20 minutes silently enjoying watching them squirm and suffer is not only cruel but it’d actually psychopathic!! RUN and NEVER look back, if he’s doing this at 7 months imagine what he would be doing after 7 years if you were still here
To tell the story!! I know that sounds dramatic but he sounds like he has deep issues and you can never be to safe, never ever unblock him. Do you live alone? I know he’s from another city but if he’s desperate he may travel down to you, so don’t answer any doors without checking who it is first, and if you see it’s him don’t ever answer and just say please
Leave or I’m ringing the police. I know it sounds dramatic but there is something very eerie about how he has behaved twice now!! Lots of love, stay strong xxx

What a totally insignificant little twat.

He knows he is too, which is one of the reasons he acts like this!

It's like aggressive little losers picking fights with people smaller than them, or school bullies.

Pathetic.

STOP worrying. There isn't anything to worry about. You have dumped him. If you've got him blocked, he's probably already been calling to worm back in. YOU have the upper hand here.

I can see it ould be tempting to unblock, but really - you've already said your piece. Remember, from where he's standing, this has happened:

• He charms
• All is good.
• Ok, thinks Mr Abuser. Time to start training her.
• You have Argument 1
• You dump him
• Woah! thinks Mr Abuser. That wasn't how it was supposed to go. Damn, I'll have to start again. But fuck her! I WILL get her back and I WILL show her who's boss!
• Charm offensive
• You cave
• Haha! thinks Abuser.
• Now let's get her on the back foot again, Argument 2
• You: 'You have proof and you won't show me? Right, I'm not even entertaining this. Bye. BLOCKED.
• Mr Abuser: defeated.

That's how it actually was. You only feel shit about it because it's been a horrid experience being treated like that, but you came out on top. Don't unblock. The most devastating reply to him is to just leave him blocked and forget about him. He's in the dustbin.

Thank you @FizzyGreenWater I had a tear in my eye whilst reading your reply.

God I know he's not a good 'un but I can't stop thinking about him. I know it's the whole break up aftermath which I've felt before in the past. I know it'll pass. I also know that this short term pain is saving me from a longer term pain if I stay with him.

Something which I've been thinking about is that at the start of our relationship he admitted he had never really been in a proper relationship before me, and that he didn't have a high opinion of women. Alarm bells rang but I bloody dismissed it as a silly comment.

Now I'm thinking that's he sat there right now thinking 'she messed up, I'm right, I knew she would mess up. Silly woman'. I hope this makes sense but I do wonder if he was waiting for me to 'mess up' so he could justify his thoughts and beliefs.

OP he's not thinking you messed up because he knows you didn't. He made up the accusation of you texting another man to gain control. You know that. He's confused that you blocked him and angry that he has lost control of you so soon.

He knows you didn't ‘mess up.’ He accused you to put you in turmoil.

He said that he didn’t have a high opinion of women so you would go above and beyond to please him and dance to his tune. What a manipulator!

You need to give him the boot. You can meet someone so much nicer than this guy. And as a previous poster said, your future self will thank you.

Don’t waste another moment of head space on this man.

You’re not so desperate to be coupled up that you would go back to him, are you? You wouldn’t tolerate this behaviour, would you?

When you imagined your ideal relationship, did your partner behave like this?

No.

Value yourself, OP. Well done for spotting the red flags, don’t undo your good work by ‘missing’ the twat! Clear your head and move on.

Gave me shivers reading this OP. Sounds so much like my ex. I knew he would text you and tell you to forget it. It will only get worse.

I was vulnerable when I met my ex. Single mum to 4 kids, feeling alone and also having some health issues. He saw me coming a mile off. He started gently at first, testing how much I would tolerate before he thought I was reaching the break up stage, then he would switch to being the boyfriend of the year. He was actually training me. Pick a fight, stretch me to my limits then reward me with words of love and fancy dinners.

Eventually he could pick a fight, disappear for days and it would be me apologising for nothing and begging him to respond. Oh he loved the control, the power. I desperately wanted the man that acted like he adored me so tolerated the man that once said to me that my problem was that I had too many opinions.

Really OP, get rid. And when I say get rid, I mean don’t say another word to him. Nothing. Block on everything, change your number if you have to, just get out whilst you are still strong enough to do so.

@Hereforadvice1000

Something which I've been thinking about is that at the start of our relationship he admitted he had never really been in a proper relationship before me, and that he didn't have a high opinion of women. Alarm bells rang but I bloody dismissed it as a silly comment.
Thank goodness he showed you his true colours early on in your relationship. Just think how bad things would be for you if you'd actually moved in with him, possibly had a child with him later on, dependent on him emotionally and financially - therefore trapping yourself in a relationship with him for years.

If you are EVER tempted to think you overreacted, remember this:
Within a nano second he completely changed character. He went completely cold, quiet and just stared at me. I got upset, asked what was going on and he wouldn't respond on the call, just kept silent and staring at me. I ended up pretty much pleading for us to talk this through but he said he didn't want to show me any affection or love,
and think again. This is incredibly chilling - particularly so early on.

Block and delete him on all platforms now and thank your lucky stars you saw those red flags, took advice and made your escape.

Good luck. 🌹

@FreshEggs
What an awful childhood your father put you through. What kind of "man" does that to anyone - let alone his own child? Thank goodness you had the courage to go NC with him and, from what you said about your DH being shocked about your father's response to his/your job it sounds as if you have his support to maintain that if you need it. 🌹

All good sound advice here OP. Take it now and save yourself a fortune in counselling fees which is where you will be heading if this relationship continues. Buy yourself a treat instead, ie, look after yourself and be kind to yourself. 💐

Have you ended things? I know how it feels in your 30s but you must not kid yourself that how he is when he’s not abusing is how he really is. All abusers are nice some of the time - especially at first. I was in an abusive relationship which became violent for 6 months and it took me 3 years to recover to the extent I was able to date again. Don’t do it to yourself...