Is this stonewialling from boyfriend?

[Hereforadvice1000]

Been with boyfriend for around seven months. No major problems before this and everything seemed to be going well. We don't live together and are mid 30's.

Yesterday we had a minor disagreement over a WhatsApp call and I stood up for my opinions. Within a nano second he completely changed character. He went completely cold, quiet and just stared at me. I got upset, asked what was going on and he wouldn't respond on the call, just kept silent and staring at me. I ended up pretty much pleading for us to talk this through but he said he didn't want to show me any affection or love, that he didn't want to talk about it. He said that I would be disappointed if I expected him to be affectionate or to even remotely speak about what had happened.

After a further twenty or so minutes of him not speaking, and me feeling like I was talking to a brick wall I decided to end the call.

I didn't hear from him the rest of the day (call happened in the morning). This is very unusual as we're frequent texters. I have a feeling he was punishing me for standing up for myself.

Since the call I was anxious, worried and upset. He knew this and said nothing.

This morning I received a text from him saying that the reason he was quiet was because of me. That it was all my fault and that I put him in that position. He said I was acting like a madwoman (I wasn't, I remember being completely calm and adult about the disagreement).

I don't know what to do. My instinct is telling me to run. It's a relatively new relationship and I should get out before this happens again?

The reason I say this is because of the complete change of his character. Friendly, chatty and his usual self to stone cold silence within a nano second, with a silence that has lasted almost twenty four hours over a minor disagreement. He was like a completely different person. It scared me because of how quickly he changed.

Thank you for reading, sorry it was long.

@PicsInRed

Imagine trying to agree even basic things for a child together. Education, health etc.

He would drag you in and out of family court for years just to show he could. Just to yank the chain. Emotionally abuse your child just to get to you, to upset and torture you, with no care or regard for the wellbeing of your baby.

That's what these men are like.

God you're lucky to get out now. Don't look back.

More excellent advice. Really just end the relationship now.

Maybe point out to him that his behaviour was moving into emotionally abusive territory and that’s not something you’d tolerate

PLEASE don't believe a word he says from now on. Like @jamaisjedors, I can't believe I used to share a bed every night with someone who now almost induces a panic attack just by being in the same room as me. 20 plus years of trauma you didn't fully realise you were suffering will do that to a person. As pp have said, the morphing into this unfamiliar cold, glaring figure of hatred is him revealing his true self. You have really, as @NuovaMoi said, done future you a massive favour.

Totally agree with @PicsInRed

I have been in and out of family court for the last year and there is no end in sight.

And I feel sick just reading about his behaviour became it reminds me so much of my ex.

Hope you are ok OP.
He has shown you who he really is....believe him. Run for the hills!

He sounds like an actual psychopath. Lucky escape!

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn

The reason I say this is because of the complete change of his character. Friendly, chatty and his usual self to stone cold silence within a nano second, with a silence that has lasted almost twenty four hours over a minor disagreement. He was like a completely different person. It scared me because of how quickly he changed.

Thats the cycle of abuse.

Youve recognised it.

Dont ignore it.

Very normal. Love bomb. The mask slipped -he's showing you the real him and seeing if you are woman enough to dump him so he can reel you back or a mouse to play with for eternity. FFS though you stood up for yourself and he treated you like a twat as as a result you are nervous and anxious!!! and he knows (probably because you told him!) FFS bin.

If you take him back, it's like giving him the green flag where you allow him to treat you like this again, and worse, because it's never going back to whatever you had prior to this disagreement, and his very abusive response will be normalised by him to confuse you, so remember to brace yourself for what's to come and embrace the waves of anxiety, confusion, feelings of being loved one minute to being hated the next. If you take him back, you will get further abuse, this is how it all starts. Once he knows you are pulling away, he will hoover you back with word he knows you want to hear. Nothing you say matters, the only thing that matters is how he comes across to others, and remember if you take him back, you will be in a horrible place emotionally for a very, very long time after once he is finished wrecking you, oh and you will never be the only one to him. Men like him have nice little yous in the background as a future supply.
His I love yous are to manipulate you, nothing else. Men like him are not capable of love. But you are. Going back to him will be líka handing him a stick to beet you with

Stonewalling is such insidious abuse. My dad was a master at it and it has left me with terrible abandonment issues. If you have children with a man like this he will do the same to them.

My dad hated giving me lifts anywhere as a young teenager (13-14) and would stonewall me for 24 hours afterwards while I begged and pleaded him to speak to me. It stopped me asking him for lifts and my mum didn’t drive so I would not be able to go to some friends houses/events and regularly got three buses home from a friends as I couldn’t bear him ignoring me. I still struggle to accept lifts from anyone (eg home from the pub) as I feel as though they will turn on me.

I got a very good work opportunity as a 17 year old and he stonewalled me for three weeks as he didn’t want me to take it. I begged and begged him to talk to me and he wouldn’t even look at me, for weeks.

If me or my mum got a haircut and he deemed it too short he would ignore us for weeks until it had grown to a length that he felt sufficed.

I had a black friend who had a white boyfriend and if they ever stopped by to see me he would stonewall me for the rest of the day.

A lot of these times he would stonewall me as a teen (or my mum) he would commandeer the living room and sit in the dark watching porn VHS tapes (it was the 90s) so we felt so uncomfortable we couldn’t go in there. I’d just have to scuttle between my room and the kitchen. This was from about the age of 14.

My dad has also stonewalled me every time I’ve done anything for myself as an adult despite me not living with him for many years (I’m nearly 40). Eg. When I went on a 2 night hen do, I was stonewalled for a week after.

My husband and I do the same job these days although I have done it for 10 years longer. My dad never acknowledged or asked me a single thing about my job in the 10 years but when my husband started the job he asked him a million questions about all the ins and outs and gave him so much praise. My husband was shocked.

I’ve been NC for a couple of years which is sometimes hard and guilt inducing as he is now in his 70s and has become disabled, this is just one facet of his abuse but it’s been one of the worst ones for me.

Not saying all stonewallers go to this extreme but it’s not worth the risk of them doing this to children. How can a man do it to his little girl, his only child? It’s a despicable tactic and I would run like the wind.

This morning I received a text from him saying that the reason he was quiet was because of me. That it was all my fault and that I put him in that position. He said I was acting like a madwoman (I wasn't, I remember being completely calm and adult about the disagreement).

Well he's ticked off at least 3 of these ......
THE RULES OF MISOGYNY

1st rule of misogyny: Women are responsible for what men do.

2nd rule of misogyny: Women saying no to men is a hate crime.

3rd rule of misogyny: Women speaking for themselves are exclusionary and selfish.

4th rule of misogyny: Women's opinions are violence against men thus male violence against women is justified.

5th rule of misogyny: WATM! [What about the Men] Women and Feminism must be useful to men or they are worthless.

6th rule of misogyny: Women who go around being female AT men by menstruating and breast feeding babies deserve punishment.

7th rule of misogyny: Women should always be grateful to men for everything.

8th rule of misogyny: Men are whatever men say they are and women are whatever men say they are.

9th rule of misogyny: Men always know the "real reasons" for everything women do and say.

10th rule of misogyny: The worst thing about male violence is that it males men look bad.

Well done OP. Hope he's still blocked!

Have you dumped him?

It’s the way forward.

@FreshEggs, I am sorry for what you went through. I hope anyone who has the tendency to stonewall reads your post and see how destructive it is. There has been women post who say they go silent and don't see why it's wrong. Time out is fine but anything more than a few hours creates a hostile environment.

I'm sorry, it's not a big deal. Let's just forget about it and move on. I love you'. I didn't respond and then he started with the 'it's not a big deal. I was just tired. I love you.

Oh so it's not a big deal? Er, no, he does not get to dictate what is a big deal to you.

Let's just forget about it? Oh really, he is an utter twat, a scary twat (20mins of staring!!!!), and he wants you to just forget about it. I bet he bloody does.

I love you. He didn't the other night did he. Fuck off mate.

What a load of selfish bollocks. He doesn't even see you as human

When I was a young woman, I was given excellent relationship advice by an older divorced woman (unusual where I grew up).

To know what a man is truly like you must say no to him about something, something non-sexual, then you stick to the no, irrespective of what he says or does. You will see him for what he is.

You have performed the test. This is what he is. Run.

Is he keen to forget it and move on when he thinks you've been a twat?

For Gods sake dump him. My ex husband did this and there were decades of non communication, silences that would last a week and by the end of our marriage I felt as if I was cracking up, literally going mad.
This is also how violence can start. Dump, dump, dump.

Well done for ending it! It wouldn't have been a one off and him blaming you for everything the next day shows he has no insight or responsibility for his behaviour even when the short term anger/feelings have worn off. I think for his own good it would be good if you could be totally clear why you are splitting up with him e.g. "stonewalling anyone ever is not OK. It is immature and damaging in a relationship and I don't want to have any part of that in the future. You need to take responsibility for your own behaviour and not blame it on others." He's probably done this in previous relationships and will have always blamed his behaviour on the partners. If he gets a message as clear as that it might just be a wakeup call. Don't get back with him!

Block the twat.

He will ruin a large portion of your life if you get back with him.

Just want to update, you're all right, completely right and I should have listened more carefully.
After much to and fro we got back together a few days after, him promising to talk things through.

Last night we had another disagreement where he was accusing me of texting another man behind his back. I haven't of course. He then went completely quiet again, fucking stonewalling again. The anger was in his eyes (I'm safe though).

I'm so fucking done with him. Why the heck did I take him back.

Reading through this thread again and again to get it into my brain.

Thanks all.

Please don't let him lure you back this time OP. This pattern will be your life for years on end if you do. These types of men are good at what they do.....and they never change.

@Hereforadvice1000 @Cherrygirl3 is absolutely right. I put up with years of this from an ex before I realised it was wrong. Everything was always my fault, never his and I'd get the silent treatment for days before he came crawling back each and every time. And each time it got so much worse because he knew he could keep pushing my limits. Please take care and stay away from him x

It won't get better. It will get worse. Don't blame yourself for getting hoovered back in. He is well rehearsed with all the other women. He has been studying you, what makes you tick, what he can get out of you, how he can break those barriers.
You can do it this time. Don't end up marrying him like I did. I speak from experience. Out now, but wish with all my heart I had done it when you are. The not a problems get bigger too.....hugs

These guys are good. Really clever. They know exactly how to push your buttons.

But you’re onto him. Have you blocked him yet? I’d encourage you to do it sooner rather than later.

Your instincts are spot on. Trust your gut.

Thank you all. I knew in my heart it would happen again, I have no fucking idea how he sucked me back in. I guess I don't feel very strong at the moment.

Yesterday he was accusing me of being a liar. Saying I've been texting another guy. I haven't, but he's convinced I have been and says he has proof...which he conveniently wouldn't show me when I asked to see this proof.

Once again he completely morphed into a different person. Deadly quiet, staring at me, my brain was going wild trying to work out what I've done... I now know this is the reaction he wanted. He wanted me to be going crazy trying to work out what I did wrong this time.

Actually this time around I was a lot calmer, I didn't get upset, or plead for him to talk. I actually said I was going to go and went. Inside I was desperately trying to work out what I did, but on the outside it didn't show.

Or course to him I said my piece, that I had no idea who this guy was, that I hadn't been texting another man etc etc, he said he didn't believe me and that's that.

This was all yesterday. I've heard sweet fuck all from him today. He's loving this isn't he? Knowing he's controlling me like this with his big fucking silence, thinking he's punishing me.

Actually do want to tell him to fuck off but I can't be bothered to waste my breath.

Sorry for swearing.