Is this stonewialling from boyfriend?

[Hereforadvice1000]

Been with boyfriend for around seven months. No major problems before this and everything seemed to be going well. We don't live together and are mid 30's.

Yesterday we had a minor disagreement over a WhatsApp call and I stood up for my opinions. Within a nano second he completely changed character. He went completely cold, quiet and just stared at me. I got upset, asked what was going on and he wouldn't respond on the call, just kept silent and staring at me. I ended up pretty much pleading for us to talk this through but he said he didn't want to show me any affection or love, that he didn't want to talk about it. He said that I would be disappointed if I expected him to be affectionate or to even remotely speak about what had happened.

After a further twenty or so minutes of him not speaking, and me feeling like I was talking to a brick wall I decided to end the call.

I didn't hear from him the rest of the day (call happened in the morning). This is very unusual as we're frequent texters. I have a feeling he was punishing me for standing up for myself.

Since the call I was anxious, worried and upset. He knew this and said nothing.

This morning I received a text from him saying that the reason he was quiet was because of me. That it was all my fault and that I put him in that position. He said I was acting like a madwoman (I wasn't, I remember being completely calm and adult about the disagreement).

I don't know what to do. My instinct is telling me to run. It's a relatively new relationship and I should get out before this happens again?

The reason I say this is because of the complete change of his character. Friendly, chatty and his usual self to stone cold silence within a nano second, with a silence that has lasted almost twenty four hours over a minor disagreement. He was like a completely different person. It scared me because of how quickly he changed.

Thank you for reading, sorry it was long.

Thanks to all for the advice. I am reading each comment and nodding my head in agreement!

@BrambleJam978 yes he used those words. I also told him I loved him before I cut the call (I don't know why I said it now!) and he replied with 'you're torturing yourself if you think I'm going to say it back right now because I'm not, you won't hear those words from me tonight.' A massive red flag popped into my head after that, it felt as if he was punishing me.

I've called him to end it. We live in different cities.

Before I could even take a breath and block him I received a message with 'I'm sorry, it's not a big deal. Let's just forget about it and move on. I love you'. I didn't respond and then he started with the 'it's not a big deal. I was just tired. I love you.'

He's trying to pull me back in isn't he?

It's bloody hard because before yesterday everything seemed totally fine. I actually saw a future with him. We had even bloody discussed potentially moving in together next year.

To the poster who asked if we had ever had a disagreement before, to be honest we're both quite chilled out. Last night was our first proper 'argument'. I don't even want to call it that, it was just a disagreement over a silly matter.

I think I was most scared/worried about the sudden change of character, within seconds. It was as if he morphed into a completely different person.

That’s scary, it’s horrible it’s see someone you love turn into a different person.

Your doing the right thing ending it, he’s going to minimise now but definitely stick to your guns.

@Minniee

The thought of you trying to make conversation while he's silently staring puts a lump of concrete in my stomach.

Leave, be glad you've recognised his abusive behaviour and don't look back. Some poor woman is in for a lifetime of treading on eggshells around this prick.

Yes, it was difficult. I was trying my best, I didn't want any bad feeling between us. I didn't want to end the call with there being any tension. He was literally silent for about twenty minutes and now I don't know why I waited so long.

I felt a horrible anxiety after, like concrete in my stomach as you say. A horrible feeling crept over me, I've never felt anything like it. I guess it's gut intuition.

Don't be foolish enough to allow him to pull you back and continue the relationship. His mask has slipped and you've seen him for who he really is. Run like hell.

Glad you recognise that feeling isn't right - and it certainly isn't one to be ignored or accepted.
Block and delete all messages. Or likely you will be second guessing yourself and looking for ways you could have avoided his madness happening..
He is deranged op. Stay safe and get rid...

Response: It is a big deal. Last night you showed me who you are, and you are not a person I want to spend any more time with. Don't contact me again.

I can't believe you told him you loved him and he said " you're torturing yourself if you think I'm going to say it back right now... Because I'm not. You won't hear those words from me tonight".

That makes me upset on your behalf.

That's him. That's who he is. His love is conditional, not only that the conditions are weak and difficult to navigate. I never say LTB, life's too complicated for that but I do say when I think there is a major problem and your needs are never going to be met in a relationship.

He really showed you the whole store in one go. Now he's realised and he is back peddling like crazy.

This is a gift, this clarity that you now have. You have good instincts, trust them .

He did morph into a completely different person. His true self
Look you are not in over your head here it's only been 7 months . Ye don't live in the same city ye don't live together
Run .. he's controlling and creepy
Won't get better . That's abuse .

Imagine trying to agree even basic things for a child together. Education, health etc.

He would drag you in and out of family court for years just to show he could. Just to yank the chain. Emotionally abuse your child just to get to you, to upset and torture you, with no care or regard for the wellbeing of your baby.

That's what these men are like.

God you're lucky to get out now. Don't look back.

He's doing the I've told you how you went wrong but now let's not mention it again thing so that if you ever do it's you starting a row and your fault.

My advice (fwiw) is to say that you totally understand that he was angry and you respect his right to be silent and cold for 20mins about it. It's just that doesn't really match what you are looking for long term so it's time to shake hands and call it quits, no hard feelings etc.

Good luck.

I particularly noticed the line about "torturing yourself if you thought he'd say he loved you".He really thinks he's wonderful if the loss of his love would be torture! Don't let him change your mind Op, this ones going to be nothing but trouble

Reading through this thread again, I actually think the idea of him staring silently for 20 minutes is truly terrifying. Definitely not something a normal person would do. He sounds dangerously unhinged.
How lucky that he has given you this warning now while you can walk away from him with no complications. Imagine if you lived with him, or if you had a child. Run.

You're not going to take him back, are you? That's who he is.

@Lampan

Reading through this thread again, I actually think the idea of him staring silently for 20 minutes is truly terrifying. Definitely not something a normal person would do. He sounds dangerously unhinged. How lucky that he has given you this warning now while you can walk away from him with no complications. Imagine if you lived with him, or if you had a child. Run.

My thoughts exactly.

Be good to yourself OP - block him, walk away and never look back.

It took you 20 minutes to end the call. Don’t take that long ending the relationship.

Never, ever for as long as you live, plead with a guy who isn’t even showing you basic respect!!

Have you ended it OP?

Of course he will try to lure you back. Stay strong and don’t fall for it.

His behaviour is chilling.

@FurbabyLife

It took you 20 minutes to end the call. Don’t take that long ending the relationship.

Never, ever for as long as you live, plead with a guy who isn’t even showing you basic respect!!

As an old codger who has battled through the aftermath of shitty abusive relationships and attempts to manipulate and control me I can honestly say that the above is absolutely where you have to set your head.

Never EVER allow someone to treat you like this, 20mins of that behaviour is excruciating!

You are worth sooooo much more love! We all are!

OP, you are doing the right thing. From someone who has been in a abusive relationship in the past, this is how it starts, withholding love and affection as punishment. It will only get worse and you'll find yourself walking on eggshells trying to do everything he wants just so he doesn't turn cold on you. You don't want that, you deserve so much better. Don't let him play mind games by texting and saying he loves you etc

God I know that feeling in your stomach like concrete, I still get it very time I have to be in contact with my ex.

As others have said, listen to your gut, it's right.

I spent years ignoring my gut and trying to be "rational" about things- you dint break up a relationship/a marriage over 20 mins of silence, do you?

Turns out that YES you can and you should as this cycle continues and makes your life a misery.

Please stay strong, you will be so tempted to minimise this and doubt yourself but just keep posting and reading the thread.

He's trying to pull me back in isn't he?

I forgot to answer this directly. Yes, he's calmed down and now he feels great, while you feel like shit.

If you choose to keep going with him you will start to recognise the post-row 'fakey fakey'. If you have kids they will recognise it too.

Even writing about it turns my stomach over. Meanwhile, it used to take me about 3 days to get back on an even keel after an 'incident'.

They know that if they can stop you leaving them straight away the chances of you doing it this time go down and down. No shame on you op if you get sucked back in for whatever reason...I've done it. But I would strongly recommend that you get away now if you can.

I heard something on a YouTube video the other day, it might be relevant.

You should never feel confused about what's happening in your romantic relationship. Confusion in a good relationship should not be present unless it's about a simple misunderstanding that is cleared up. If you are sitting wondering what is happening and why is it happening like this... It indicates that something is wrong and you should really look at whether your relationship is good. Just a thought xx

I spent years ignoring my gut and trying to be "rational" about things- you dint break up a relationship/a marriage over 20 mins of silence, do you?

Turns out that YES you can and you should as this cycle continues and makes your life a misery.

I’d listen to this. You could easily convince yourself that you’re overreacting. But Jamais knows what she’s talking about.

I think I was most scared/worried about the sudden change of character, within seconds. It was as if he morphed into a completely different person

Ex H did this once we were married. I vividly remember the situation, we had a discussion for an upcoming family event and he sat opposite me refusing to speak but stared at me. He later relented but it was too late for the event. After a few years the cycle became more regular and I ended our marriage when he became intimidating.He had to ramp up his behaviour as the silence had less impact.
I can relate to the concrete feeling in your stomach and I was in a constant state of anxiety. After a few days he would settle but I was always waiting for the change. I can remember him giving me flowers but knowing his mood would change shortly.

His statement re saying "I can't love you" is likely to relate to a lack of lack of whole object constancy, here is an explanation from Elinor Greenberg.

Whole Object Relations (WOR): This is the capacity to integrate the liked and disliked parts of a person into a single, realistic, stable picture—as opposed to alternating between seeing the person as either all-good or all-bad.

Object Constancy (OC): This is the ability to maintain your positive emotional tie to someone while you are feeling angry, frustrated, hurt or disappointed with the person.

These are both normal developmental achievements that are generally developed during the course of childhood when the child is raised by parents who themselves have these abilities.

Not everybody is raised in a family situation that models these behaviors sufficiently to help the child attain them.

If he calls you again OP I'd be inclined to give him a taste of his own medicine. You remember when companies used to cold call your landline and you'd say "Mr Bates? Yes he's in the shed, I'll just go and get him" then you'd leave the phone hanging.

If he videocalls you again leave the phone in the kitchen, get yourself something lovely from the fridge and go and sit in the lounge and put the telly on. That should send a firm message that A) you're not interested and b) he's being a twonk and you won't stand for it

@PicsInRed

Many congratulations on becoming one of his many future "crazy" exs. 🎉 That's a badge of pride.

Thank your blessings you won't be the crazy ex wife having to fight just to divorce him and with whom he shares children he can use coldly and clinically to continue the control and abuse.

Well done. Keep running.

This, and this, and this, and this .....

I think OP your instincts are incredibly good. Yes you do have the fabulous posters (sorry, correction, vipers) of Mumsnet to help out. But I so wish I had had your emotional intelligence when my ex first exhibited this type of behaviour. I accepted the excuse of being stressed.

And I again refer you to the (excellent) comment above.