When does it become inappropriate? Where is the line?

[Andy85]

So this subject is obviously personal to me but the question I'm asking is more generic.
When 2 exes have children together they will always be in each others lives. But when new partners are involved when does a relationship between coparents become inappropriate? In particular when behaviours change (ie when the 2 exes arent close but then start to become closer, while in a romantic relationship with someone else?) What are your opinions?
A few examples below:
Tagging each other on random things on social media
Spending the day together with the kids, as a family
Letting the ex stay over at your house with kids when you are away
Going along to the exes close family gatherings with him
Going on holiday together as a family
All examples are not including the new partner. More examples welcome.

Just trying to see what everyones opinion is on what is maintaining a good relationship for the children and when it crosses the line into being inappropriate and unfair on the new partner.

[Closetbeanmuncher]

What do you do?

End it because they're on their way back to the ex if not there already!!

[BumbleBeee69]

I wouldn't have stayed in this relationship one day OP..

[waaahhh]

I am in this situation. DP has to go and stay with ex one weekend per month due to the distance. I 100% know that it’s completely over as it’s a toxic relationship and his mum has been on these visits to see her GD and can 100% see it’s completely over. However It still bothers me that while he’s there he won’t speak on the phone to me, just text as ex won’t like it, I’ve never been allowed to meet his DD, I’m not allowed to post anything on Facebook about us in case it annoys the ex and he won’t be in the same room as me if she rings to talk with the DD. But because I feel pushed aside and a bit insecure by it all, does that make me in the wrong?

[willsa]

@waaahhh
But in your case it seems not to be a friendly co-parenting situation with his ex.
It's a different dynamic. You say even toxic.
I'd be more inclined for my partner to stay away from their ex if there would be bad energy and arguments than if they get on reasonably well.

Also, an ex wife/mother of child does not need to be the cause of him keeping your posts off social media or not meeting his DD. Sometimes the only problem is closer to home - him and himself.

[waaahhh]

@willsa do you mean my DP to stay away or me? He couldn’t stay away as then he wouldn’t ever see DD. He tries his best to keep things civil and is scared that annoying her in any way will rock the boat with his DD. I do get that but I guess I thought that 4 years down the line I wouldn’t still be sidelined completely

[willsa]

I'm friendly with my ex husband. It wasn't so during the initial part of divorce. It is a fraught and stressful time in life but we recovered our friendship after. We share a custody of DS. I see my ex husband at least once a week (he has DS every weekend ). I even helped refurbish our ex marital home and spent quite a few nights there - I just wanted it to sell quickly and be done with! Ex also helps me a lot with practicalities, as in his words he sees it as helping his son.
All that time I had a boyfriend too. He was generally an insecure bully, as it turned out, and did feel threatened by my friendship with ex. In 12 months I never introduced my boyfriend to my family and I didn't bring him to even one family event. It had feck all to do with my ex!!!! I didn't bring the boyfriend out of the "woodwork" because I pretty soon realised what an abusive and controlling so and so he is. I didn't see the future for us, so there was no point in enmeshing him in my life. I was preparing to leave him. In the end, the only thing my mum saw of my boyfriend, was his teeth and bite marks on me. Still friends with ex husband and planning a holiday!
The story is not about the ex husband though? The problem was the boyfriend himself. I bet in his own words he could concoct some fake sob story of how he felt soooo hard done by, because of my "inappropriate " relationship with my ex husband...

[willsa]

@waaahhh
I actually think that your situation is more in need of a change and resolution than OPs.

If exes don't get on then minimum contact between them benefits everyone, including the child.
I think it's more about looking into changing contact arrangements in that case. Maybe he could see his daughter in your house? Obviously I don't know if that is possible.
But being sidelined - I think it's between you two, not necessarily to do with ex. Sounds like your DP is avoiding your lives entwining. You'll be better placed to think why.

[waaahhh]

DD lives hundreds of miles away which is why DP has to travel and stay there. It’s not practical for DD to stay here.

[waaahhh]

Sorry, I didn’t mean to hijack the thread!

[TARSCOUT]

Tagging each other on random things on social media meh
Spending the day together with the kids, as a family great
Letting the ex stay over at your house with kids when you are away no
Going along to the exes close family gatherings with him no
Going on holiday together as a family no
Mixed bag for me.

[ChristmasFluff]

Even a good relationship with an ex has to include respect for their new partner.

I would do none of the above. The Ex comes to my parties and family parties etc, but he brings his wife and step-son. I am friends with his wife on social media, but not him.

I was able to be friednlier to him once he had a new partner, because I wasn't worried about him taking it the wrong way. but blurring the boundaries so much?

Nah, if I were you I'd be gone.

[Monday11]

The holiday together stands out to me.

The family gatherings would depend very much on who the family member is. Grandparent of your children seems one to be a part of, as I hope they would always have a part in your DCs life.