When does it become inappropriate? Where is the line?

[Andy85]

So this subject is obviously personal to me but the question I'm asking is more generic.
When 2 exes have children together they will always be in each others lives. But when new partners are involved when does a relationship between coparents become inappropriate? In particular when behaviours change (ie when the 2 exes arent close but then start to become closer, while in a romantic relationship with someone else?) What are your opinions?
A few examples below:
Tagging each other on random things on social media
Spending the day together with the kids, as a family
Letting the ex stay over at your house with kids when you are away
Going along to the exes close family gatherings with him
Going on holiday together as a family
All examples are not including the new partner. More examples welcome.

Just trying to see what everyones opinion is on what is maintaining a good relationship for the children and when it crosses the line into being inappropriate and unfair on the new partner.

[Monday11]

The holiday together stands out to me.

The family gatherings would depend very much on who the family member is. Grandparent of your children seems one to be a part of, as I hope they would always have a part in your DCs life.

[ChristmasFluff]

Even a good relationship with an ex has to include respect for their new partner.

I would do none of the above. The Ex comes to my parties and family parties etc, but he brings his wife and step-son. I am friends with his wife on social media, but not him.

I was able to be friednlier to him once he had a new partner, because I wasn't worried about him taking it the wrong way. but blurring the boundaries so much?

Nah, if I were you I'd be gone.

[TARSCOUT]

Tagging each other on random things on social media meh
Spending the day together with the kids, as a family great
Letting the ex stay over at your house with kids when you are away no
Going along to the exes close family gatherings with him no
Going on holiday together as a family no
Mixed bag for me.

[waaahhh]

Sorry, I didn’t mean to hijack the thread!

[waaahhh]

DD lives hundreds of miles away which is why DP has to travel and stay there. It’s not practical for DD to stay here.

[willsa]

@waaahhh
I actually think that your situation is more in need of a change and resolution than OPs.

If exes don't get on then minimum contact between them benefits everyone, including the child.
I think it's more about looking into changing contact arrangements in that case. Maybe he could see his daughter in your house? Obviously I don't know if that is possible.
But being sidelined - I think it's between you two, not necessarily to do with ex. Sounds like your DP is avoiding your lives entwining. You'll be better placed to think why.

[willsa]

I'm friendly with my ex husband. It wasn't so during the initial part of divorce. It is a fraught and stressful time in life but we recovered our friendship after. We share a custody of DS. I see my ex husband at least once a week (he has DS every weekend ). I even helped refurbish our ex marital home and spent quite a few nights there - I just wanted it to sell quickly and be done with! Ex also helps me a lot with practicalities, as in his words he sees it as helping his son.
All that time I had a boyfriend too. He was generally an insecure bully, as it turned out, and did feel threatened by my friendship with ex. In 12 months I never introduced my boyfriend to my family and I didn't bring him to even one family event. It had feck all to do with my ex!!!! I didn't bring the boyfriend out of the "woodwork" because I pretty soon realised what an abusive and controlling so and so he is. I didn't see the future for us, so there was no point in enmeshing him in my life. I was preparing to leave him. In the end, the only thing my mum saw of my boyfriend, was his teeth and bite marks on me. Still friends with ex husband and planning a holiday!
The story is not about the ex husband though? The problem was the boyfriend himself. I bet in his own words he could concoct some fake sob story of how he felt soooo hard done by, because of my "inappropriate " relationship with my ex husband...

[waaahhh]

@willsa do you mean my DP to stay away or me? He couldn’t stay away as then he wouldn’t ever see DD. He tries his best to keep things civil and is scared that annoying her in any way will rock the boat with his DD. I do get that but I guess I thought that 4 years down the line I wouldn’t still be sidelined completely

[willsa]

@waaahhh
But in your case it seems not to be a friendly co-parenting situation with his ex.
It's a different dynamic. You say even toxic.
I'd be more inclined for my partner to stay away from their ex if there would be bad energy and arguments than if they get on reasonably well.

Also, an ex wife/mother of child does not need to be the cause of him keeping your posts off social media or not meeting his DD. Sometimes the only problem is closer to home - him and himself.

[waaahhh]

I am in this situation. DP has to go and stay with ex one weekend per month due to the distance. I 100% know that it’s completely over as it’s a toxic relationship and his mum has been on these visits to see her GD and can 100% see it’s completely over. However It still bothers me that while he’s there he won’t speak on the phone to me, just text as ex won’t like it, I’ve never been allowed to meet his DD, I’m not allowed to post anything on Facebook about us in case it annoys the ex and he won’t be in the same room as me if she rings to talk with the DD. But because I feel pushed aside and a bit insecure by it all, does that make me in the wrong?

[BumbleBeee69]

I wouldn't have stayed in this relationship one day OP..

[Closetbeanmuncher]

What do you do?

End it because they're on their way back to the ex if not there already!!

[strangewhenastranger]

I think inappropriate in a general sense is the wrong way of looking at it, I think you mean crossing their own personal boundaries?

[Andy85]

**some people didnt think this was inappropriate but my partner did

[Andy85]

Again thanks for all the comments, some are very helpful.
To reiterate this is not specifically my situation, some things I have mentioned are directly my situation, some are people i know and some are hypothetical. I just wanted to get a feel for what peoples opinions were in general.
My partner has never been on holiday with her ex. However someone she knows was in a relationship and their partner went on holiday with his ex and son. My partner found this very inappropriate. So it is interesting to see peoples opinions. Some people didnt think this was appropriate but my partner did. Some people found things my partner has done as inappropriate bit my partner obviously doesnt.

[strangewhenastranger]

where is the line and what is inappropriate I agree with others that the line is where you draw it. For me all the things you listed would be fine as long as I felt my relationship with my partner was where I wanted it to be. If I didn't trust him/thought he and ex were still intimate/felt like a spare part, the relationship wouldn't be working for me in any event. I think it is much, much better for kids if their parents are friends and get along and I would respect my partner for seeing that and making the effort. I also quite like my own space and would enjoy holidays just me and my dc sometimes.

[Littlewing80]

What I don't understand is why you are never invited? I am always invited as DP's partner.

This in a nutshell 👆🏻

[willsa]

And just a quick question: what does it mean "inappropriate"?
For me inappropriate would be if my partner is spending less time with me than with his ex or it is affecting our plans/free time significantly. Like going on the ONLY holiday a year with his ex ( or kids only, or friends, or mum, or the local priest).
Or if they're fucking. That's inappropriate.

Do you think they're shagghing?

[willsa]

Full MN of possessive, controlling bunny boilers.
Just live a single life and don't bother normal people.

[Tropical2]

Being in a relationship with somebody who has children from another relationship can be very hard for the other person.

When DSD was a child DP would spend every Christmas Eve evening at her house with his ex trying to get her to go to sleep. DP spends half of Christmas Day every year with DSD, our Christmas Day has to fit in around DP's ex's plans. When it's DSD's birthday DP could spend the whole day and evening at her house with his ex and her family. Then there's parents evening, school concerts, other school events when DP and his ex will not only attend together but travel there together in the same car. DP is often invited to big events like weddings within DSD's family which he has attended. Unfortunately MIL and DP's immediate family are all still close to DP's ex. MIL has made it very clear she prefers DP's ex over me.

DP does not go on holiday or days out with his ex. He does not spend any time with her when DSD is not present. That would have been a deal breaker for me, DP would never have got a second date if that had been their relationship. In my opinion DP should only be meeting his ex and spending time with her in situations which involve or concern DSD.

What I don't understand is why you are never invited? I am always invited as DP's partner.

You need to sit down with your partner and tell her what you think is and is not acceptable. Be prepared for your relationship to end if you can't agree. If I were you I would get out now, meet somebody that doesn't have kids because this won't get any easier for you. There will always be family events, reasons why your partner and her ex and her family will get together and when the kids grow up there'll be grandchildren.........

[Wallywobbles]

For me anything where the new partner wasn't/couldn't be invited would too much. That's my line.

[Bunnymumy]

Maybe she didnt think her partner was a good with cars as he believed he was. Or maybe she wanted to get home fast and not wait about to have the car fixed.


I would think her ex was a really decent fella to come and help her like that. I might think it's possible she is a little bit selfish, to ask him. But I wouldn't think the behaviour was inappropriate towards her partner...if that's the question.

[bubbleup]

You haven't been together 2 years, she's ended this relationship 3 times because she feels suffocated. She says you are too needy and are looking for constant reassurance which she just can't give.

Why she is bothering with you I don't know. You are pretending to talk about your friend on MN in the hope you can show her the thread or tell her a bunch of women on MN agree with you.

Newsflash: we don't. It's really refreshing that she can have a positive relationship with her ex for the sake of the children and that she still gets on with extended family members of his. Even if going on holiday etc might be beyond my boundaries and the next persons.....that is irrelevant.

Your jealousy is ruining everything. You sound draining and controlling tbh.

[Loveabitofrain]

It’s very different when it happens to you. So I get your point. You might think you’d be ok with it but put in that situation you quite possibly wouldn’t be.

Many of those things happened to me; meals, parties and the staying over. Many a game to the ex l, with no consideration to the children. It was a total mess and resulted in confused children.

Of course there are circumstances that need to be taken into account but I feel most of those things shouldn’t happen.

Just my opinion of course x

[HogDogKetchup]

If they get on well enough to do all those things they should probably have stayed together. Doesn’t sound like there’s room for a new partner.