When does it become inappropriate? Where is the line?

[Andy85]

So this subject is obviously personal to me but the question I'm asking is more generic.
When 2 exes have children together they will always be in each others lives. But when new partners are involved when does a relationship between coparents become inappropriate? In particular when behaviours change (ie when the 2 exes arent close but then start to become closer, while in a romantic relationship with someone else?) What are your opinions?
A few examples below:
Tagging each other on random things on social media
Spending the day together with the kids, as a family
Letting the ex stay over at your house with kids when you are away
Going along to the exes close family gatherings with him
Going on holiday together as a family
All examples are not including the new partner. More examples welcome.

Just trying to see what everyones opinion is on what is maintaining a good relationship for the children and when it crosses the line into being inappropriate and unfair on the new partner.

A lot of valid points, thanks.
A few people mentioned having the conversation with the partner, which seems obvious. But how would that go and what do you expect to get out of it?
What I mean by that is.. you're partner is doing things that you find inappropriate. You're partner clearly doesnt think those things are inappropriate as he/she is maintaining a good relationship with the ex for the children. It is therefore unreasonable in his/her eyes for you to ask him/her to stop certain behaviours, regardless of how you feel about it. So how will this conversation help the situation?

It's not that you ask them to stop exactly. It's that you say 'I dont feel this behaviour is appropriate...you may disagree but, ultimately it makes me uncomfortable. Can we reach some sort of a compromise on it that we are both comfortable with?'

Eg, in terms of family events, 'I feel a bit uncomfortable with you going to a gathering with your exs family. I think after two years together, it would be ok for me to join you. That might make me feel a bit more comfortable with things, if I am included. Would that be ok in future?'.

I'd be happy to have all that happen. The kids are the priority not the new partner. If ex parents can be great friends then all better for the kids. And any demands or ultimatums asking for me to do something I believed would negatively affect them would result in a swift relationship termination. You clearly don't trust your partner and she knows it. You sound tiresome.

If there's no point in having the conversation, then either you live with it or you leave.

I would be ok with the examples listed.

I'm a step mum . Our situation may be slightly different as we have full custody so no need to co parent. Ex has my DSD every other weekend.

My DH and his ex split up amicably long before I arrived and remain very amicable.

They are amicable but they have separate lives . There isn't any crossover on family parties , holidays or days out which suits me. We have our life and she has hers .

I would have the conversation as per @Bunnymumy, I would tell them how I feel but not offer any solution. Their response to my feelings of hurt/anger/resentment would tell me what I needed to do.

I've only seen the first post and wanted to respond.
Im in this situation. I'm an ex. I have no interest sexually whatsoever in my exhusband but would do all those things for the children.

Ok another one a friend told me about. What's your view on this?
His partner came round to see him with her kids. On the way round the windscreen wipers on her car stopped working, it was raining heavily. My mate is good with cars.
She was in a bad mood due to the car and was worried about getting home.
She eventually left his house drove round the corner and phoned her ex, father of her children to come and help her. They swapped cars allowing her to drive home in his. He fixed her car and drove himself home.

Did mate offer to help fix car, or give her a lift instead of her leaving with broken windscreen wipers? If she had been there, and stressed out and he didn't offer any help,she may have assumed he wasn't up for helping. Calling the ex and him helping just sounds like a respectful and considerate friendship.

I’d be wondering why she didn’t just ask her partner to try and fix it? Why wait with kids in car when someone close by could fix it while they waited inside? Did they have a row?

Swapping cars etc not an issue at all.

Why do much interest in your friends arrangements OP? Does your friend need advice?

To me, that's fine. I don't like the idea that just because you're divorced you need to be at each other's throats. Me and my exdh get on fine, after all we were in love for many years. He would always help me if my car broke down, as I would help him with whatever he needed. Surely that's just a nicer way to live your life. It comes down to trust I suppose. If they wanted to still be with their ex, they would be.,

If they get on well enough to do all those things they should probably have stayed together. Doesn’t sound like there’s room for a new partner.

It’s very different when it happens to you. So I get your point. You might think you’d be ok with it but put in that situation you quite possibly wouldn’t be.

Many of those things happened to me; meals, parties and the staying over. Many a game to the ex l, with no consideration to the children. It was a total mess and resulted in confused children.

Of course there are circumstances that need to be taken into account but I feel most of those things shouldn’t happen.

Just my opinion of course x

You haven't been together 2 years, she's ended this relationship 3 times because she feels suffocated. She says you are too needy and are looking for constant reassurance which she just can't give.

Why she is bothering with you I don't know. You are pretending to talk about your friend on MN in the hope you can show her the thread or tell her a bunch of women on MN agree with you.

Newsflash: we don't. It's really refreshing that she can have a positive relationship with her ex for the sake of the children and that she still gets on with extended family members of his. Even if going on holiday etc might be beyond my boundaries and the next persons.....that is irrelevant.

Your jealousy is ruining everything. You sound draining and controlling tbh.

Maybe she didnt think her partner was a good with cars as he believed he was. Or maybe she wanted to get home fast and not wait about to have the car fixed.

I would think her ex was a really decent fella to come and help her like that. I might think it's possible she is a little bit selfish, to ask him. But I wouldn't think the behaviour was inappropriate towards her partner...if that's the question.

For me anything where the new partner wasn't/couldn't be invited would too much. That's my line.

Being in a relationship with somebody who has children from another relationship can be very hard for the other person.

When DSD was a child DP would spend every Christmas Eve evening at her house with his ex trying to get her to go to sleep. DP spends half of Christmas Day every year with DSD, our Christmas Day has to fit in around DP's ex's plans. When it's DSD's birthday DP could spend the whole day and evening at her house with his ex and her family. Then there's parents evening, school concerts, other school events when DP and his ex will not only attend together but travel there together in the same car. DP is often invited to big events like weddings within DSD's family which he has attended. Unfortunately MIL and DP's immediate family are all still close to DP's ex. MIL has made it very clear she prefers DP's ex over me.

DP does not go on holiday or days out with his ex. He does not spend any time with her when DSD is not present. That would have been a deal breaker for me, DP would never have got a second date if that had been their relationship. In my opinion DP should only be meeting his ex and spending time with her in situations which involve or concern DSD.

What I don't understand is why you are never invited? I am always invited as DP's partner.

You need to sit down with your partner and tell her what you think is and is not acceptable. Be prepared for your relationship to end if you can't agree. If I were you I would get out now, meet somebody that doesn't have kids because this won't get any easier for you. There will always be family events, reasons why your partner and her ex and her family will get together and when the kids grow up there'll be grandchildren.........

Full MN of possessive, controlling bunny boilers.
Just live a single life and don't bother normal people.

And just a quick question: what does it mean "inappropriate"?
For me inappropriate would be if my partner is spending less time with me than with his ex or it is affecting our plans/free time significantly. Like going on the ONLY holiday a year with his ex ( or kids only, or friends, or mum, or the local priest).
Or if they're fucking. That's inappropriate.

Do you think they're shagghing?

What I don't understand is why you are never invited? I am always invited as DP's partner.

This in a nutshell 👆🏻

where is the line and what is inappropriate I agree with others that the line is where you draw it. For me all the things you listed would be fine as long as I felt my relationship with my partner was where I wanted it to be. If I didn't trust him/thought he and ex were still intimate/felt like a spare part, the relationship wouldn't be working for me in any event. I think it is much, much better for kids if their parents are friends and get along and I would respect my partner for seeing that and making the effort. I also quite like my own space and would enjoy holidays just me and my dc sometimes.

Again thanks for all the comments, some are very helpful.
To reiterate this is not specifically my situation, some things I have mentioned are directly my situation, some are people i know and some are hypothetical. I just wanted to get a feel for what peoples opinions were in general.
My partner has never been on holiday with her ex. However someone she knows was in a relationship and their partner went on holiday with his ex and son. My partner found this very inappropriate. So it is interesting to see peoples opinions. Some people didnt think this was appropriate but my partner did. Some people found things my partner has done as inappropriate bit my partner obviously doesnt.

**some people didnt think this was inappropriate but my partner did

I think inappropriate in a general sense is the wrong way of looking at it, I think you mean crossing their own personal boundaries?