Snappy husband

[needhandhold]

Can I ask how other people deal with snappy/moody partners/husbands? I’ve dealt with this for years since the kids arrived. It means that I tread on eggshells. I can’t communicate properly because I never know what kind of response I’m going to get to any questions or conversation. It means I can’t put any demands on him and if I do then it’s 50/50 as to the response. Today was a put down/stomp/fury. It’s often that way. I’ve tried sticking up for myself and answering back/going back to say what you did upset me and I’d like an apology...etc etc nothing works. Any kind of intervention/resolution has resulted in his belief that I’m hormonal/unreasonable. However, I rarely act like this. If the kids ask me something I sometimes get a bit frustrated but I don’t verbally lash out at my husband. I’ve never ever randomly lashed out at him because he’s asked me a question. I’m always trying to keep mine and my kids spirits up. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m a good person and the result is we’ve ended up in a situation where he lives like a single man with the benefits of having a wife but never having to do anything he doesn’t want to do. I’d like to know if anybody else has been in this position. I want to see my kids everyday. I don’t want another woman raising them. I’m damned if I leave him and damned if I don’t. The way he reacts to me and talks to me is frankly shocking. My kids are hearing that. How do I cope and manage this situation. I’m already as disengaged as I can be. I’m now waking up with high anxiety every morning. I just want to be with somebody kind and respectful who has predictable reactions. It’s too late for me to find that now and my goal is to wait it out until the kids leave home in about 10 years time. I’d like some advice on what I can do in the meantime to manage my own mental health and well-being

The problem with waiting it out is the damage it is doing to your kids in the meantime.

How is he with the children?

I guess since he's behaving like a single man you can go along with that. Be separated in the same house. Do nothing for him; talk only when it's about the DC. Are there enough bedrooms for you to have one of your own?

Waiting means by the time your kids leave home they're traumatised and think abuse is normal so end up in their own miserable relationships. I can think of better outcomes.

My advice - don't try to hang on for 10 years. You will seriously affect your own mental health. Yes, it will be difficult if you have shared custody (how much time do you think he would actually want to have them though?) but better than this frightened life you are living at the moment.

Step up. Be strong. Take control of your own life.

You need to leave him and now. That is the only solution.

Tell him that you're seriously considering divorce as you can't take his moodiness anymore. He needs to know that his behaviour is unacceptable and that he will lose his family if it continues.
He needs to understand he has a choice.

Why do you want to be miserable for another decade?
Leave him

How does your H react to your DC. Is it only you he is disrepectful to?
Is everyone in the house having to dance to his tune? do you have to intercede for the children and ask him when he is in a good mood?

If you split you may find that after all the "I'm going to sue for sole custody, you are a terrible mum" etc. that he doesn't see the children that often. If you are determined to stay then talk to him about how he speaks to you and how it makes you feel, give examples, record him if necessary. If he won't change then you need to start emotionally detaching, don't engage with him, go out with the dc alone and enjoy their company, in the evenings put on headphones and watch tv on your laptop, even in another room if possible. Don't make conversation or rise to his baits (this will take a lot of practice and quelling your natural personality). Grey rock technique might help with this.

Please contact Womens Aid here, they can also help.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Nothing at all.

You are in an abusive relationship with your H and this is over because of the abuse he metes out towards you and in turn them. Infact your relationship was over the first time he abused you in any way.

There are no strategies for coping that will work with such a man, you need a divorce and asap, not in 10 years time.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?. Would you want this for them as adults, no you would not. But they are learning from you both that this is how people behave in relationships and its no legacy to leave them.

He is probably "nice" to them and that also gives them mixed messages because they see you as their mother being treated so poorly by their dad.

Do not keep yourself trapped by thoughts of having to share custody with him, do you really think too that such a man would actually want 50/50. He is saying that to keep you in line, its an empty threat as such men do not care for the kids either. Re your children being further raised by a stepmother figure that is something you cannot control or do anything about so do not stress over that point to your own detriment. Its also no reason to stay and you now must step out of your own paralysis and be properly decisive about your future and that of your children's going forward. Staying as you are is no option at all.

Do not hang on for another 10 years; you really will become a shell of your self by then and your children won't say thanks mum to you for staying either.

Think about what you are teaching your children about relationships. Do you want them to think this is normal?

needhandhold

Unfortunately what RiverRover writes here will backfire because your H is abusive and as such unreasonable to the nth degree. The only opinion that matters to him is his own, you are not an equal in this relationship and never have been either.

Please dont think by staying your doing your DC any favours. Its extremely damaging

Thank you for all of your suggestions. Everyone who has suggested something, I’ve tried all of those things. Nothing works. The only thing that works is for him to be able to snap/say what he wants regardless of tone/content and for me to keep quiet. Continue being happy/engaging and for him to have absolutely no consequences at all for his words or behaviour. Trying to say “please stop lashing out at me. I’ve made you breakfast and done my best today” results in another explosive tantrum with him stropping off. I’m then left with what can I do now for the rest of the day. I’ve disengaged for years. I’m lonely and fed up. He says that I want him to be perfect. I don’t though. I just want to receive and expect a reasonable response to daily conversation. I also want to be able to say “what you said to me upset me and it’s not ok” and for him to then say “sorry for saying that” he’s refusing to accept or take any responsibility for anything he says. Apparently it’s me overreacting and then approaching him is me carrying out emotional drama. But I’m not like that. I feel distraught by my home situation and that I’m being forced into a life and situation that’s not of my making and that I didn’t instigate. If I just ignore anything he says or does then how does that look to my kids? It also still doesn’t solve the issue of me treading on eggshells

He’s now spending the day deliberately avoiding me and ignoring me because I dared to say it’s not ok to lash out at me

OP you may not want to hear it but you are in am abusive relationship.

Have you not heard it said that Narcissists are incapable of saying sorry? Ringing any bells?

If you stay with the children, you condemn them to a miserable childhood but also, to a miserable life. Because they will go on to tolerate shitty partners just like you have.

You are not an emotional punching bag.
And your feelings are valid.

Do whatever it takes to leave this jerk. Because he isnt snappy, he is abusive. Stop playing it down in order to continue tolerating this shit.

Dont be a martyr. Get out of there.

Melanie tonia Evans on YouTube does good videos on narcissists which may help you come to grips with things.

@AttilaTheMeerkat above knows what's what too.

Also you can read up on narcissistic silent treatment. It is a punishment dealt out by narcissists and similar in order to train you into not doing something that dont like (eg: calling them out or disagreeing with them).

Normal humans talk through arguments and appologise when necessary. They dont like to see their partner hurting. You are not with someone like that. You are with someone disordered. And they cannot be fixed, or reasoned with as it is who they are.

Until he's able to accept his snapping/short temper and try to calm it down then there's not a lot you can do. I think you've waited long enough for him acknowledge it and make changes so it's best you leave now.

Just seen your update OP. Has he ever seen your thoughts written down like that? I wonder if it might help to take it on board.

If - a bit if - it's a relationship you want to save then it might be worth thinking about the roots of his behaviour. Did/do his parents have this dynamic? Did they teach him any emotional intelligence?

The problem with waiting is that a) when kids leave home is an awful time to split - I saw it in friends at uni, they lost all their stability at once and ended up in bad relationships, unable to effectively work etc. And even more importantly b) your and their happiness now! They will be picking up on the way you're being treated and it will be making them unhappy.

I realise with lockdown it's a tricky, time but could you and the kids move in with family for a couple of weeks to take stock?

I’ve tried writing down my feelings. We once went an entire week with him giving me the silent treatment. It makes me feel like crap. He has no regard for my feelings at all. He just doesn’t care if he upsets me. It’s that simple. I emailed and wrote down how I felt. He either ignores or writes back a load of vitriol. He never just backs down and says sorry for upsetting you. Or acknowledges his own part in it. He often denies what happened or just turns it back on me. I don’t think it’s a problem to expect a discussion of somebody has lashed out. I’m then left on my own in a hostile atmosphere because he’s ignoring me. It’s a crap life. He withdraws attention or any of his company. Even if I went now and said “I unreservedly apologise for bringing it up” he would still be in a mood. Anything I say or do against his words acts as fuel for him to become tempestuous. There is no way for me to get my needs/feelings heard or met. I just don’t know where I’m going wrong.

It's not you that's going wrong. He's being abusing. A whole week of the silent treatment is not being snappy or grumpy - it's controlling behaviour. Does he treat your children like this too?

Honestly I think you know in your heart the relationship is over. It's just working out the best way forward. Some time apart would probably help clear your mind (and help him realise that you're serious this time). Is there anywhere you can go with the kids?

Ps: I agree with all the stuff about boundaries suggested there but to be honest it sounds from your updates like it's
More than just being moody or snappy. If you've tried all that and he's not responding it shows very little respect for you or your feelings.

He’s just angry, withdrawn and hostile. How do I even get my feelings heard in that situation. It’s becoming ridiculous. I’m realising just how selfish and nasty he is. A person wouldn’t treat their dog the way he treats me. He expects constant happiness and affection without providing it in return