Snappy husband

[needhandhold]

Can I ask how other people deal with snappy/moody partners/husbands? I’ve dealt with this for years since the kids arrived. It means that I tread on eggshells. I can’t communicate properly because I never know what kind of response I’m going to get to any questions or conversation. It means I can’t put any demands on him and if I do then it’s 50/50 as to the response. Today was a put down/stomp/fury. It’s often that way. I’ve tried sticking up for myself and answering back/going back to say what you did upset me and I’d like an apology...etc etc nothing works. Any kind of intervention/resolution has resulted in his belief that I’m hormonal/unreasonable. However, I rarely act like this. If the kids ask me something I sometimes get a bit frustrated but I don’t verbally lash out at my husband. I’ve never ever randomly lashed out at him because he’s asked me a question. I’m always trying to keep mine and my kids spirits up. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m a good person and the result is we’ve ended up in a situation where he lives like a single man with the benefits of having a wife but never having to do anything he doesn’t want to do. I’d like to know if anybody else has been in this position. I want to see my kids everyday. I don’t want another woman raising them. I’m damned if I leave him and damned if I don’t. The way he reacts to me and talks to me is frankly shocking. My kids are hearing that. How do I cope and manage this situation. I’m already as disengaged as I can be. I’m now waking up with high anxiety every morning. I just want to be with somebody kind and respectful who has predictable reactions. It’s too late for me to find that now and my goal is to wait it out until the kids leave home in about 10 years time. I’d like some advice on what I can do in the meantime to manage my own mental health and well-being

How does intimacy work with a man like this? Because I couldn't bring myself to sleep with a man who treats me this way.

If I didn't leave, then I'd live like I too was single and not be making him breakfast, when he's so ungrateful.

I'd leave him to take care of all of the personal things you do for him....i.e.washing and ironing., if you do them

If you're cooking for the whole family, then cook enough to include him, but don't go out of your way to do it.

Would he even want 50% custody if you split...being so lazy?

Your children will also be walking on eggshells and this will model the relationship they have in the future...as it's their normal.

When he ignores you, turn your focus away from him and towards your DC...or get on with your own thing.

The more you present as needing his affection or attention, the more he'll withhold it.

Act as if his moods, sulks, nasty behaviour etc. are of absolutely no consequence to you whatsoever.
By caring, you are providing the fuel to his fire. By worrying, feeling (understandably) hurt and upset, you're feeding his narcissistic ego.
What was it the great Mohammed Ali once said?
"Float like a butterfly and sting like a bee"
So, float around the house in a bubble of total zen. Don't let anything he says or does bother you. Be calm, be delighted in your children, the dog, the cat, the daily walk, the glass of wine...you get the drift...and you'll find that with practise, and time, as you 'fake it till you make it', you'll look at him one day, in the not too distant future and think the same thing I did when I looked at my ex.
'What on earth did I ever see in that pathetic specimen?'

You've tried all the reasonable stuff and it hasn't worked. That should tell you one thing: he wants it this way. He wants to treat you like dirt. You say you want to stay until the children are old enough to leave home, another 10 years or so. How do you think he will behave when they become teenagers? And how long do you want them to walk on eggshells for? Your plan isn't feasible and will damage your children (and you).

So you need to start planning your departure. If you don't work, start looking for work. If you do, set up a bank account where you can start squirreling away money for a rental house for you and your kids. Make sure you are fully in the picture re his finances: income, pensions, whatever he owns.

Then petition for divorce. And don't take too long about it either.

@needahandhold
I know exactly what you mean, I have just this week split from my partner of 16 years for the same reason. My daughter didn't want anything to do with him, or have him in her house due to the way he spoke to me. I had a 3 year plan to leave, trying to save, plan what next etc, & just 18 months into my 3 year plan, I flipped, I didn't just answer back, i let him have it
Upshot is, I am nowhere near my financial target, but what price peace of mind? My heart goes out to you. See a solicitor as soon as you can & enquire about rental properties. Surely you can take your children with you?
Do you have a faith? If so read Psalm 91 for guidance.
[flowers)

@pallasathena

Well said !!!

You are in an abusive relationship. I had one of those, 20 years and 2 DC. I kept hanging on - "for the sake of the kids/not splitting up the family etc"- all 3 of us walked on eggshells constantly when he was home (the industry he was in meant he worked away for weeks at a time, it was a great relief for all of us). Everything had to be done his way, I was more secretary/mum/do everything and then get criticised for it than a loved wife and partner. After years of clinging on he walked in one day and said he was leaving....OW surfaced 5 months later but I have evidence that she was in the wings when he dropped the bomb). You are doing yourself and your kids no favours by plodding on. If I had a time machine I would go back and do things waaayyy different that's for sure! It's scary and hard but well worth it to be out of a toxic relationship.

“You are doing yourself and your kids no favours by plodding on. If I had a time machine I would go back and do things waaayyy different that's for sure! It's scary and hard but well worth it to be out of a toxic relationship.”

This. Based on your original post, it doesn’t seem to have occurred to you that you could leave now. No doubt you’ll have logistical hurdles to overcome. But it’s hard for your DC to grow up in this atmosphere and could lead to them making bad relationship decisions in the future. So don’t assume you have to stay put until they leave home or that it is better for them if you do.

OP,

He is a horribly abusive man.

He doesn't care about you or your children.

You cant fix him.

This is who he is.

Stop wasting precious energy and time

..and your children's childhood hoping he will start to behave with a scrap of decency.

How can you get away from him should be your sole focus?
Who can help you?
Who can support you?

Do you have a job?

Focus on getting organised to get out.

You can't and you won't change his behaviour. It's who he is.

He plays games, has you spinning round in circles, and he's the one in complete control.

And in the kindest way, you're enabling him to.

It's not you op it's him.
You are not doing anything wrong.
It is normal in a relationship to expect your partner to listen to you, and discuss their concerns with you, and they feel upset that you are upset and hurt.
All things that I am learning now - have left my dh, and he sounds very similar in his reactions to yours.
Nothing will change - I debated about leaving for 4-5 years, finally did it, and cannot wait to be free once everything is finalised, already such a weight of my shoulders. Why should you live like this being abused? You deserve better.
He does not deserve you.
As someone on these boards said to "listen and take note of what he is telling you (he might not be saying it but he is showing you)"
Would a close friend react like this to you? No. And a partner should be even more supportive and connected than a close friend.
It's not easy, I know, the other posters are right it will traumatise your dc and leave them with a very poor model for their own adult relationships.
Mine also said he'd want 50:50 but now doesn't I feel that was just another way to control me.
Good luck op x

Adding here to the chorus of 'been there' responses. 20 years and 3 kids of exactly what you describe. I ended it in November because otherwise I would have had a breakdown, I think.

@scotgal2017, @bluetide expressed my experience very well. It won't get better. It's never too late to leave. The nastiness of my stbxh is still revealing itself in the utter lack of shits he gives about me, his children or any of our shared existence and life together.

@kgal3542, sometimes we just know when we are done! Sometimes even 5 more minutes in a controlling, abusive relationship is more than we can bear. I so admire you for letting him have it! I am still scared of mine so treat him like an unexploded landmine.

@needhandhold, you are right - one of the most infuriating things is how entitled such individuals are - such little snowflakes who need to be coddled and admired at all times yet treat the supposed love of their life like excrement without a second thought.

My advice would be to leave, these people don’t change. I grew up in this environment, my dad is still like it now (mid 70s), why my mum never stood up for herself I’ll never know. Teenage years me and my siblings would argue back, even my son aged 7 told my dad he was causing a scene!! That shut him up for a bit!

I don’t agree that kids think it’s normal and mirror the same in their relationships. It does the opposite, you spot the signs early and get the hell out. I’ve never dated anyone moody who gets in a sulk, I can’t think of anything worse, I absolutely won’t put up with that type of behaviour after spending my childhood tiptoeing around on eggshells. I have been left with the constant need to justify how I’m using my time and find if I hear my dh arriving home and I’m chilling I’ll suddenly jump up and look busy but my dh couldn’t care less, it’s a leftover response. I also feel like a failure in most areas of my life which I think is also related and often feel down that I’m a bit of a loser, when I’m not! It definitely affects your life, your emotional responses to things but not in the way most people assume.

Have you noticed how many women are telling you the same thing?

This is abuse, plain and simple. I was like you, getting the silent treatement, never knowing the response if I brought up topics he didn't like (bills mostly), thought of GENIUS ways to cope/ignore/deal with him. I even got him to write out a contract of how he would treat me (as a partner) instead of childcare.

It took many years of the same pattern and Einstein's definition of insanity "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the result to be different" chiming in my ears for years. If you do anything, read "why does he do that" or "the freedom programme" you will be amazed and empowered and you'll stop wasting time asking yourself if you could do something different/cope with him better. Good luck xxx

I left my ex got the same reason op. He still gets angry and explosive with me now only I dont have to love with him. I worry about the effects on my children though. Get out now.

Live*

OP I understand how you feel.

I expect you are also reading all these responses, agreeing with the excellent advice but still wondering how you can leave him and the mechanics of it.

Only you know what to do and when the time is right. But my tuppence worth is, like safety masks on an aircraft, you must look after yourself first so you can then look after your children. I know how it feels living with a husband who is completely disengaged.

I heard the following lyrics from 'Older' by George Michael and they seem apt......

......

I know that, just the same old fights again, baby
These are wasted days without affection
I'm not that foolish anymore

💐

I have no advice for you OP but I share your pain as have been going through the same for years. Do you open up to anyone? I don't and lockdown has meant a level of emotional loneliness that I had never experienced before. I wish you all the best.

OP, I know this behaviour, my dad was like this too. As a child it was terrifying, because you could never predict a response - it. It. It might be perfectly reasonable or he might fly off the handle and go apeshit. It was mainly directed at my mum but as I got older and started to argue back more, the anger (and eventually violence) became directed at me too.

It is all about control. It is designed to make you back off and toe the line. It WILL impact your kids. You need to get yourself and them away from him. He WILL make threats, so lawyer up and be prepared.

@Bunnymumy

Well said
Agree with your entire post.

Anything would be better than this. You need to separate or you children will ask you why in years to come and will affect their relationships too. Have you got family around you that you can turn to for support x

@everythingbackbutyou

I hear you !

You say you are frightened of him, is this due to violence or the threat of violence? If so I would report it straightaway & seek support.
There's no violence at mine, just the silent treatment which won't get any better until the house is sold, we are living as silent housemates now, it's pathetic. We have a shared car until I can buy my own, and i am going to my daughter's on the train this weekend, it will mash his head as i'm not taking the car, no info, verbal or written to say where i'm gone. I don't want to be this person, but it's been forced on me to survive, politeness is wasted on this "thing". 2 days before i told him i want out, i saw him take a 2L bottle of milk out of the fridge, swig from it & then put it back ! And he has cold sores !
Relax girls, he's no catch ! Then I had 2 days without a cup of tea, i just drank water, i was so grossed out & then bought vegan milk as he won't touch that.
A note to those in same situation, if you own your house as tenants in common (unmarried) neither of you can block the other's access to the property, as much as i would like to. another tip picked up on MN. Good luck to all & sorry to hi jack the thread.