Snappy husband

[needhandhold]

Can I ask how other people deal with snappy/moody partners/husbands? I’ve dealt with this for years since the kids arrived. It means that I tread on eggshells. I can’t communicate properly because I never know what kind of response I’m going to get to any questions or conversation. It means I can’t put any demands on him and if I do then it’s 50/50 as to the response. Today was a put down/stomp/fury. It’s often that way. I’ve tried sticking up for myself and answering back/going back to say what you did upset me and I’d like an apology...etc etc nothing works. Any kind of intervention/resolution has resulted in his belief that I’m hormonal/unreasonable. However, I rarely act like this. If the kids ask me something I sometimes get a bit frustrated but I don’t verbally lash out at my husband. I’ve never ever randomly lashed out at him because he’s asked me a question. I’m always trying to keep mine and my kids spirits up. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m a good person and the result is we’ve ended up in a situation where he lives like a single man with the benefits of having a wife but never having to do anything he doesn’t want to do. I’d like to know if anybody else has been in this position. I want to see my kids everyday. I don’t want another woman raising them. I’m damned if I leave him and damned if I don’t. The way he reacts to me and talks to me is frankly shocking. My kids are hearing that. How do I cope and manage this situation. I’m already as disengaged as I can be. I’m now waking up with high anxiety every morning. I just want to be with somebody kind and respectful who has predictable reactions. It’s too late for me to find that now and my goal is to wait it out until the kids leave home in about 10 years time. I’d like some advice on what I can do in the meantime to manage my own mental health and well-being

How are you doing OP?

he’s refusing to accept or take any responsibility for anything he says

I can tell you with 100% certainty that someone who behaves like that will never change. They lack the fundamentals of introspect and empathy that enables it.....Been there OP, got the t shirt...

The only way to resolve any of this is to end the marriage, and remove yourself and your children from this toxic situation.

Not ending it for the sake of the possibility that there may one day be another woman in your children's lives is with respect, ridiculous.

I just don’t know where I’m going wrong

By continuing to expect normal behaviour from an abusive manchild. How many more years are you prepared to waste is the question you need to ask yourself.

Can I ask how other people deal with snappy/moody partners/husbands?

I like to think I would dump them nowadays. Had enough of that from my dad growing up.

Also it is very damaging to children. I've been left with lifelong anxiety from the walking on eggshells, and have never really been able to work.

I’m a good person and the result is we’ve ended up in a situation where he lives like a single man with the benefits of having a wife but never having to do anything he doesn’t want to do.

So his moods and the threat of his moods he uses to control what happens, so everything is as he likes it.

It’s too late for me to find that now

Of course it isn't. xxx

He has no regard for my feelings at all. He just doesn’t care if he upsets me. It’s that simple. I emailed and wrote down how I felt. He either ignores or writes back a load of vitriol. He never just backs down and says sorry for upsetting you

He's horrible OP.

He often denies what happened or just turns it back on me

This is classic in an abuser.

He withdraws attention or any of his company.

Have you any friends or family you could see for company? He's not a nice man to be with and you never know when his 'company' is going to turn nasty. And he doesn't deserve your company.

I just don’t know where I’m going wrong.

That's because you're not doing anything wrong- he is.

There's no point constantly hoping to find some magic way to get him to be nice to you. If he does for a bit it's just a tactic to stop you thinking of leaving.

There's no way you can fix this because it's how he is.

If you leave then at least 50% of the time (probably far more as hopefully he won't want that much work) the kids can be free of him and relax, and not be learning from his antisocial behaviour. And you won't have to put up with him any more. xx

Hi OP! How are you doing? I'd like to hear from you. I'm in a similar situation and it would be good to know how you're coping.