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Relationships

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Original poster

What happens when the sex stops?

53 replies

Funkypickle · 20/06/2020 22:35

Buckle up this might be a long one.

DH and I married for 15 years, together 19 years. I'm 35 he's 40. 1 dc. Relationship overall isn't great
We both have a tendency to dig at each other. We spend little time together. Have not had a night away, break or date night since before dc was born. He's more interested in spending time doing his own thing. We can go an entire evening sitting in the same room and not say a word to each other beyond the very basics. Hugs, kisses, cuddles maybe on a birthday or Christmas.

We have an almost sexless marriage. We have sex a couple of times a month on average. Some months it's more and we can go also months without. 7 months being the longest. We were trying for dc2 but I've given up all hope as you need to have sex to conceive. Its not always been like this.

I know our sex drives are completely mismatched
I want sex all the time. He just isn't bothered anymore. Hes happy with how it is. I'm so over being turned down. I've tried everything and will try anything. I hate thinking I'm making him.do something hes not wanting or into.

The biggest issue is when we have sex it's amazing. No kissing, no affection and very much scheduled. But omfg out of this world amazing every single time. He agrees. So then I get my Hope's up and think it will be a regular thing moving forward. But nope nothing changes. Weeks will pass until the next time.

So my question is what happens when it stops? Has anyone else come through this? I'm not able to leave him for lots of reasons (I have tried) mainly financial and I have absolutely no family here. Does this get better? I just want to feel wanted again, passion and interesting conversation, fun. I guess what I want is a functioning relationship. Can this be fixed this? Is it worth fixing?

Any advice please?

OP posts:

BertiesLanding · 20/06/2020 22:37

My first, gut, feel: this is not about the sex. But the sex is compelling enough (when it happens) to distract you from the real problem - which you have already referred to and dismissed out of hand. ("I am not able to leave him for lots of reasons (I have tried)")

BertiesLanding · 20/06/2020 22:37

In fact, is the sex the thing that keeps you hoping ...?

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/06/2020 22:40

What do you mean you’ve tried to leave him?

He doesn’t want to have more sex so I don’t think it’ll change.

Original poster

Funkypickle · 20/06/2020 22:43

@BertiesLanding
Well um wow, that's given me a lot to think about. And yes I think you're right about hoping. I'm hoping things get better, go back to being happy and having a laugh.

OP posts:

Bringonspring · 20/06/2020 22:44

I think the sec point is a manifestation of a root cause or was it always like this? Children make us so tired and we often transfer affection onto them that a partner Can fill rejected

FifteenToes · 20/06/2020 22:48

My first reaction was that a couple of times a month, after fifteen years, is not actually so bad. You're doing better than a lot of couples. It sounds like he's not fussed about it, whereas you would want to be having it every night. Once every couple of weeks is a pretty normal compromise in such circumstances, I think. You need to decide whether you want to carry on with such a compromise, to maintain what you have that's good, or leave and take a punt on getting something more full time.

Original poster

Funkypickle · 20/06/2020 22:49

I've wanted to leave on and off now for at least 3 years. We just bicker all the time. Nothing is ever good enough. We're both guilty. Everything is a competition. Who's worked harder, who's had less sleep, who earns more, who always does this or that etc. Its exhausting and I'm bored of it. It's not one sided were both invested in this shit show

OP posts:

CuppaZa · 20/06/2020 22:49

IMO it won’t improve. This will eat away at your self esteem. I don’t know what the answer is if you can’t leave. What does he say? Presumably he’s happy with the frequency of sex?

Original poster

Funkypickle · 20/06/2020 22:55

He's ok with how often we have sex. He wouldn't care if it was less and if hes feeling desperate he will take care of himself. Think he prefers to. Less effort needed.

We promised each other we'd never be like this and it's happened. And I dont want to end up being bitter.

OP posts:

AKissAndASmile · 20/06/2020 22:59

If I were you I'd run now. I couldn't live like that. I think there's no such thing as 'can't leave him'. People have done it with just the clothes on their backs and no support, with kids in tow, and have gone in to thrive .

FifteenToes · 20/06/2020 23:03

How old is your DC?

Original poster

Funkypickle · 20/06/2020 23:09

@FifteenToes DC is 6.
@AKissAndASmile
You're right of course. Its complicated as alot of it is to with finances, childcare and overall lack of a support network. I'm scared to start over to be honest.

OP posts:

rayn · 20/06/2020 23:11

The issue isn't the sex. The sex has stopped because of other reasons. Such as having young children demanding attention, bickering, lack of cuddles etc
Have you spoke to him.
We very rarely have sex but life circumstances get in the way and we both knackered but I know we love each other. When.l we get time for each other alone we have a good time and enjoy each other's company. It just does not happen enough and causes problems because we get very little couple time. However, you need to ask yourself if it is a rut? Was it like this before having children? Don't make rash decisions based on how you are feeling right now! X

rayn · 20/06/2020 23:11

Sorry for typos! Knackered as normal.

FifteenToes · 20/06/2020 23:17

*The issue isn't the sex. The sex has stopped because of other reasons."

It seems weird to me that people here always seem to assume that. Why can't it just be that the sex has become more infrequent (it hasn't actually stopped) because the OP's DP has a lower sex drive? Maybe it's got lower over time, maybe it was never that high, I don't know.

Some people are just not that into sex. It's hard for those of us who are to understand, but they're not. It doesn't automatically mean that if X Y or Z else about some completely other part of the relationship was changed, they instantly would be. Why? Why assume that?

Dugup · 20/06/2020 23:20

I'm confused by amazing sex that involves no kissing or affection? That aside, I believe mismatched libidos can work if all other parts of the relationship are strong. In your case, it doesn't sound like they are.

One an average day, do you kiss and hug and say kind things to eachother?

NoHardSell · 20/06/2020 23:23

How is the sex amazing? Are you sure it's not just that any sex at that point would be amazing? No kissing or affection. Pretty easy to replicate that type of sex with anyone then?

IdblowJonSnow · 20/06/2020 23:29

Could be a cowardly way of pushing you away/keeping you at arms length?
If you want to leave anyway I'd take steps to go regardless of the sex.
Twice a month is not a sexless marriage btw!! Maybe you're just incompatible? Anyway, you're still fairly young. I'd cut your losses based on all you've said so far.

Opentooffers · 20/06/2020 23:29

I think you probably could leave him, but you are putting barriers up because of how scary it is for you. From what you say it sounds like you've been with him since you were 16, so you've only known him all your adult life, understandable that it's scary. As you compete with who earns more, I take it you've got a decent enough job to manage should you split. I think some counselling wouldn't hurt, the big problem is not talking to each other so that needs addressing, the sex probably is a symptom, I think your DH has stuff going on that he's not opening up about. But also, sex drive can go up late 30's and into 40's for a woman, so you're in you're prime, whereas he is perhaps we'll beyond his, IMHO sex just gets better at this age, however, no kisses or cuddles, no affection, that would kill it for me.

Smallgoon · 20/06/2020 23:34

I couldn't imagine sex without the kissing...

PickAChew · 20/06/2020 23:36

It's definitely not the sex. You're too young for the sex to stop without an underlying reason.

Original poster

Funkypickle · 20/06/2020 23:41

We both do work in very demanding jobs and work alot of hours. Then pre lockdown there were parties, the clubs and activities. To the outside world we look like we have a perfectly happy family unit. We've not always had much couple time together due to work commitments and a stretch of living in different countries separately pre dc. I think you are right as well there's alot going on. But, we always did make time for sex and cuddles when we could. Now it all seems to be too much of an effort for him.

We have spoken about it at length several times. Nothing really changes except he did agree to more sex. Hence the couple of times per month. But I still need to initiate it every time or schedule it in a head of time. We even tried making out and that was a disaster. We've completely become inept at it. It was awful.

Thank you all for your advice and input. Unfortunately, I dont really have anyone in the real world I could ever admit any of this to. And I do really value the time you've taken to reply.

OP posts:

Miranda2001 · 20/06/2020 23:42

OP I was your husband in my marriage. For me, I simply did not find my wife my type any more and we got together when we were young and tastes so change. It’s amazing for you because you are getting it rarely so when you have a high sex drive, it feels better. Truth is, no kissing etc is a sign he’s not being overly intimate with you.

When I was married I genuinely thought I had no sex drive. However 2 years into an new relationship and we are still at it several times a week and rather adventurous in comparison to the past.

Arguing about it won’t ever help as it adds pressure and he will end up doing it because he feels he has to which feels awful afterwards. Either he opens up and is honest with you or maybe cut off the broadband when you go to bed before him

Original poster

Funkypickle · 20/06/2020 23:59

Without going into the gory details the sex is pretty fantastic even without kissing. After all of this time together we know what works. And I think our competitive nature definitely pushes things in the right direction. As a pp has said it has gotten better with age. I don't think any sex with any random would be same.

I have been with him since I was 16 and he was 21 but for the first couple of years we were not exclusive and he wasnt my first. So if anyone is wondering I do have experience. Not recent experience by any means.

OP posts:

Original poster

Funkypickle · 21/06/2020 00:09

@Miranda2001
Wow. Thank you advice from the side.
Hope you dont mind me asking. Did you leave or did your ex leave? When you say tastes change do you mean superficial or just in general? Wow
This has thrown me...I maybe looking at this all wrong.

OP posts:

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