What happens when the sex stops?

[Funkypickle]

Buckle up this might be a long one.

DH and I married for 15 years, together 19 years. I'm 35 he's 40. 1 dc. Relationship overall isn't great
We both have a tendency to dig at each other. We spend little time together. Have not had a night away, break or date night since before dc was born. He's more interested in spending time doing his own thing. We can go an entire evening sitting in the same room and not say a word to each other beyond the very basics. Hugs, kisses, cuddles maybe on a birthday or Christmas.

We have an almost sexless marriage. We have sex a couple of times a month on average. Some months it's more and we can go also months without. 7 months being the longest. We were trying for dc2 but I've given up all hope as you need to have sex to conceive. Its not always been like this.

I know our sex drives are completely mismatched
I want sex all the time. He just isn't bothered anymore. Hes happy with how it is. I'm so over being turned down. I've tried everything and will try anything. I hate thinking I'm making him.do something hes not wanting or into.

The biggest issue is when we have sex it's amazing. No kissing, no affection and very much scheduled. But omfg out of this world amazing every single time. He agrees. So then I get my Hope's up and think it will be a regular thing moving forward. But nope nothing changes. Weeks will pass until the next time.

So my question is what happens when it stops? Has anyone else come through this? I'm not able to leave him for lots of reasons (I have tried) mainly financial and I have absolutely no family here. Does this get better? I just want to feel wanted again, passion and interesting conversation, fun. I guess what I want is a functioning relationship. Can this be fixed this? Is it worth fixing?

Any advice please?

This has thrown me...I maybe looking at this all wrong.

By this, do you mean, realisation that he may no longer 'fancy' you?

@Smallgoon
Yes. I didn't ever stop to think about this aspect. I have been putting our relationship issues down to the lack of sex and its knock on effects. Ie. The bickering and exhaustion.

I mean he did have (possibly still does) a very high sex drive. I know with a certainty that he does wank. But put that down to convenience.

I'm honest enough to admit I really need to reflect on this.

Similar boat op.

Lack of sex and affection.

Dh has a stressful job made worse by COVID and I've been on furlough now for 10 weeks.

Everything and I mean everything has fallen to me which I get as I'm home but also managing finances home schooling g with two dc,the vets,literally everything.

His lunch is made,his tea gets prepped and cooked. His washing and ironing gets done etc. Again not major as I'm home but abit of appreciation wouldn't go amiss and it's putting me off him to be honest.

He's not looking after himself,he drinks too much,and never seems happy and it's dragging me down.

This happened a few years ago and he actually left for 6 weeks.

Was awful to start with but by week 4 I was stronger and sometimes I wish we hadn't tried to give it another go if I'm honest.

I think I did it for the dc as they are very close to him although I do wonder how at times because he doesn't play any part and hasn't done in the last few years really with any school stuff or home stuff or day to day stuff. He's checked out.

Ultimately I think I have too.

He's never been the easiest character but with age he's getting harder.

It's sad. I can't see it being forever though I really can't.

Op your post does sound familiar to how I feel.

I have to ask for a kiss or cuddle more often than not and when I don't bother the affection is zero.

Funnily enough we were talking today about how his dm has spent her life doing everything for his Ddad and pleasing him all the time instead of herself and I casually said yes that's how I feel at times.

Doing things for someone else is nice but not at a cost to your own happiness.

Sorry warbling on

It doesn't surprise me that you got together young and you think the sex is amazing. You are probably just very inexperienced and sex starved. The sex would be good with anyone who knew what they were doing in bed. I really wouldn't make that a reason to stay. Sex generally gets better as you get older. Your fumbles in your extreme youth wouldn't be a great point of reference. Why waste that great sex drive as you enter your prime?

I don't mean to pry but may I ask how the sex is so amazing if there's no kissing or affection? I ask because sex is so often a way of intensifying whatever feelings you have about someone (including indifference) and so I think it might be illuminating if we knew a bit more about what exactly it does for you both. It seems unusual not to look forward to it and do it more if it's so mind blowing, odd for it not to be bringing you closer if it's so good and strange that it could have that effect if there's no affection in it.

To answer your question, the relationship is doomed.

Hm like other posters said, I'd be more worried about the general lack of affection/affectionate behaviour. A few times a month after 15 years sounds about average, and can always be improved on if both willing/still attracted to eachother, toys to supplement for diff sex drives etc. But the competitiveness/pettiness about who does/work mire and the lack of affection are more worrisome.

@relievedlady - sorry to hear that. I fear there are too many of us in this situation.

@NoHardSell - you may be right. I have had many fumbles but they were mostly one offs.

@ShebaShimmyShake I suppose for both of us its release. Lots of pent up emotion. The situation with kissing/affection happened slowly over time. We aren't selfish in bed. At first it was because we could only manage a quickie when dc was a toddler. Then we were sleep deprived and the bickering and bitching started. Work has gotten intense for both of us and we both have a commute. I feel like he's happier sitting on the couch in the evening or doing his hobbies. One hobby is very intense and alot of our issues stem from it. It's very physically demanding. And the ttc over the past few years probably was the killer. We have had several early losses and after 4 years of trying it's been put to bed. (Pun not intended)

As for leaving its very complex. Mainly as said previous due to finances. Everything is tied up. I can probably make a semi sort comfortable go at it on my own with dc. It would be difficult at first and god knows what childcare would look like. Or what separation would be like for dc/ DH they are devoted to each other. Followed by all the what ifs. My situation isn't dire or threatening. Compared to many I'm in a good place and should be content? I've had a lot of time to think all of this over. Haven't really slept at all. This isn't intended as a mass drip feed. I really have been sorting through it all over night and into today.

Ultimately, scared that he has doesnt fancy me anymore because theres no coming back from that.

I may be wrong but it sounds as though he could be withholding sex because you want it more! It could be the control he likes particularly if he still sees to himself. The selfishness of his lifestyle, lack of affection and self involvement seem to indicate that he has things the way he likes them and enjoys knowing he can keep you dangling. Living in a loveless relationship is soul destroying ultimately. If he won't change while things are going exactly they way he wants them. It's probably time for a good look at your life together and an ultimatum. Do you both have equal responsibilities, both work full time, both share childcare, both have equal time for hobbies etc or do you shoulder more of those burdens? I'm possibly projecting because my ex was the master of manipulation and making me feel unreasonable for asking him to take even partial responsibility for dc, house, mental load etc. He was always supposedly working harder than me, and any complaints were unreasonable because his job was harder than mine! The competitive complaining you mention sounds very familiar. In reality we ended up with him doing nothing other than his job. He was hugely controlling about things in our life and sex was one thing he also liked to control.

I'm not sure if my dh fancies me anymore either op

I do fancy dh but I think for me it runs deeper than that.

The lack of self control he has puts me off and over the years it's been various things so it's not new but maybe after years of it and me feeling drained at times from it I've just got to a point where I don't give a shit?

Sounds awful doesn't it. He annoys himself at times and openly says so but then onto the next thing and off we go again.

I've actually just put my foot down recently and told him to sort his own shit as I'm not his mum nor am I his cleaner cook and general dogs body.

He's got selfish with age and although we pay 50 50 into house kids etc etc and then keep our own accounts (I had to do this as we fought over money constantly as he's so bad at managing it) there will be something financial I find myself resenting him for on a regular basis.

I tend to call him out on a lot now than I used to. Probably because I've detached quite abit in the last couple of years and if what I say hurts his feelings I remind him that's how he makes me feel at times when he's selfish or does something for himself and doesn't even factor me into the equation.

He wouldn't have a clue what's going on in his own household if I didn't fill him in every day or our finances so I've stopped filling him in and the gaps between conversation is definitely longer so it goes to show it's my effort.

Anyway in answer to your question I think once the sec stops it no longer feels special,you lose that bond that connects you both like nobody else and ultimately the resentment takes over

It's surprising that he finds sex amazing when you do have it but this does not lead him to want more. Rather an unusual reaction for a man I think, good sex normally boost the desire for, well, more sex.

You should try an arrange a weekend away without the dc when you can, my DW and I used to do this occasionally when ours were young and these weekends developed into shagfests which helped keep our relationship strong.

Sex is the glue in an LTR, it makes other differences seem less important. You need to ensure you give it as much attention as you give other aspects of your relationship, make sure you allow time for it and both partners need to make an effort to ensure the other feels satisfied.

The replies so far, the only way forward would appear to me as a split as there is no agreement. What is to again by still being together. Is it possible for him to move maintain the family and for you in time to work things out for your mutual gain?

Thank you all. Going to try and hit all of the key points rather individual responses.

I think there may be a deeper control issue. I've always conceded control completely over to him. Ie. Finances, house, when to have kids, holidays etc. I think I've relied on him as he is older. Not much older but when we were younger it seemed like a much bigger age/experience gap. And it just seemed the natural thing to do. I have always been able to have an opinion, voice concerns etc. And he mostly does listen.

He does contribute to the daily household chores and does his fair share. He tends to do more childcare and school picks, clubs than I do. (Pre covid) he has also almost always taken days off for dc if ill. Due to the nature of his job he is able to be more flexible. I do all night wake ups and illnesses. Most of the big cleaning tasks, but I am fussy about how things are done. We both work full time and always have done. I've organised the daily routine and motions. I do all of the cooking unless I'm unable to. So at the moment I am doing most of everything as work has reduced to nothing.

I've never really felt comfortable with leaving dc with family for the night or weekend. Ive not seen the need to. We have no family living near us as well. DH hasn't been bothered by it either we do go away a lot but as a three and it's always worked. We could possibly do with some time away together to see if that's what's missing.

Again, I know it's hard to believe and he would have to be the best actor in the world but he does and always says how amazing sex was. There's no faking what's been happening. We have had shit sex lots as well, where it has been more one sided. But the last few months have been phenomenal every time.

Now that its been mentioned he can/does withhold sex/affection from me. Cringing as I write this but thinking about it I know he has used it against me. And I've stupidly given in every time. For example I used to get upset about the amount of porn he use to watch. He doesn't use it nearly as much now. We had a few huge arguments over it and he refused to have sex or type of affection until I stopped complaining about it. He was going to use/watch porn if and when he wanted to and my job was to turn a blind eye. At this point we were having sex daily so his reasoning was it wasn't interfering in our relationship. I'm now indifferent to it.

Looking back on these posts I know what I should do but I still want to try and salvage this.

I'd be trying harder to leave, you only get one life and you should be happy.
How can sex be amazing without any love, you need to look at this first.

There is love definitely it's just warped slightly I think.

Im not sure you can salvage this unless he is willing to change. It sounds like when you met the age gap allowed for a particular dynamic that now as you are getting older and the gap means nothing has changed slightly (are you now more in control of others things than you were before) and he is now controlling you by witholding sex and affection

I'm in a similar boat OP but the sex isn't much good, and we're talking action once a year for 2yrs now. I don't want to have sex with him. He doesn't try either. But I think we both want to want to. I don't want to leave. I want to start having more fun together again. Our dc are 5.5 and 3. I'm hoping this is a dip and we'll climb back out as the kids get older. But am worried we've entered the friend zone, and not even besties. Only time will tell. Good luck!

I think you might usefully pursue the porn issue. If he was using it everyday and you were also having daily sex that suggests he has a strong sex drive. Very strong even. It seems unlikely that this would have disappeared, are you sure he is not using porn as a substitute for sex? It's easy to allow porn use to get out of control, if I go too long without sex I sometimes find myself looking at it at every available opportunity, if I didn't have a satisfying relationship with my DW I can see how it could take over.

The sex you are having is not amazing.
When I've had amazing sex, I want a repeat performance ASAP after as do my partners. (not multiple partners BTW)

You say that you are both competive. Use it to your advantage to get the marriage back on track, or just call it a day.

I am another one who finds it hard to believe that the sex is sooooo amazing and incredible but yet your husband doesn't want it. And there's no affection or kissing? Different strokes for different folks I guess.

Thank you all for your opinions and advice. I've really laid it all out here. I'm going to repeat myself once more the sex is great. I didn't say he never wants sex he's happy with less sex. As in a couple of times a month. Its just not frequent enough in my opinion and a central issue to my relationship. When I've said lack of/no affection I meant in general day to day stuff. There's no snogging but there's a quick kiss every now and then ( which is always a surprise) and cuddles are very few and far between. It doesn't necessarily mean he's a total dick. He can be very selfish but so can I. Believe what you want to believe. Because it's not something you recognise doesnt mean it isn't true.

As I don't have the type of friends I can easily discuss this issue with without embarrassment. I came here. And for the most part I've had solid advice and I've been made to think.

@Quartz2208 - Quite possibly. I am much much more independent and contribute as much as he does now to our over all life style. I do still have a tendency to let him lead the way and I want an easy life.

@Anothernick - I think this is probably spot on. He's definitely lost some of his sex drive over time and doesn't watch porn as much ( I think.) But it is there. Which is what hurts the most. Especially when I was younger and much more insecure. Porn is convenient and it's easy with no expectations I suppose. We have had a few very dry spells. And this was probably a coping mechanism.

I do want to get my marriage back on track. But I need to figure out if he does as well or if he's just in it for dc. It's easy to change nothing and just continue on this way. Which is what's led me here.

Would he go to counselling with you? Does he know how unhappy you are?

I found our sex life decreased a lot when my DH got to his mid forties. We have a young family and we are both tired, he also tries to be considerate of my health issues. Our relationship is just as strong as ever though as we do still talk, laugh, give each other affection in and out of bed. I still feel very loved and wanted. Maybe it’s the everything else that you are missing? Try getting cuddled up and talking about how you are feeling.

Since I last posted we have talked about it yet again and he says he will try to make more of an effort. I'm still waiting to see what that 'effort' is.

He won't do counselling. He doesn't think there's that much of a problem. He's of the opinion that once I'm working again like I was pre lockdown all will be fine. He has decided that I am bored. Ame has given me a project (!) I have told him as plainly as I can about how I'm feeling and what this is doing to me. He simply does not hear what I'm saying. Or worse he doesn't care.

I'm beginning to feel irrationally jealous of his hobbies both of which are time consuming. One is very is expensive and hugely physically draining ( not cycling, but very niche) and then the other involves several beers and a playstation.

Oh OP this isnt a healthy relationship at all - his solution is that it is all fine for him and that he should control and decide what should happen

He is leading you through this again - he is still in control and presumably still doing what he wants to do.

Sex is a symptom I think not the actual problem