Should I question this friend or just let the friendship end?

[steinar41]

Since the beginning of the year, someone I thought was one of my closest friends has been doing the kind of things you see suggested on MN if you want to drop a friend. She is nearly always too busy to meet / catch up, or she makes plans and then something comes up and she has to cancel. Her text messages which used to eloquent and informative have reduced to one word answers, and when I speak to her it feels like she is often being evasive, no longer sharing personal information. It's also always me that contacts her first now.

Because of lockdown i've probably let this go on for longer than it should. 4 weeks ago I decided not to contact her anymore and see what happened. She hasn't been in touch with me even though we had a vague plan to catch up in person as lockdown restrictions were lifted. I'm now wondering whether to just accept the friendship is probably over and make no effort to contact her again, or to message her and ask why things have changed. Whilst the second option is appealing as I feel like it might bring me some 'closure', I guess realistically I might either get some harsh words because i have unwittingly done something to upset her, or I might get a bland, evasive 'don't know what you mean' response.

Any suggestions about what I should do?

Take the hint and move on
I don't think messaging her will acheive much. Do you have any idea why she might be upset with you?

Maybe she's really struggling with lockdown Or depression (or something else) and is just 'getting by'without much energy to connect with anyone.

I would just stop contacting her now. I personally would prefer to be told what I had done wrong then at least it's possible to apologise etc.

Shoxfordian I've no idea what I might have done. If I could think of a particular instance that might of upset her then I would have asked her about it and apologised before now.

AmelieTaylor this has been going on since early January so I don't think it's particularly lockdown related.

might have not might of!!

If she’s one of your closest friends (or has been), maybe give her a bit of a chance. Don’t keep asking her to meet up, but perhaps at some stage send a friendly, supportive ‘hope you’re ok’ type message that doesn’t require an answer. That might leave the door open just in case she’s been going through a tough time rather than trying to phase you out. You could leave the ball in her court after that.

It depends on the depth of your relationship

If she really is a close friend and you value the relationship I’d ask her if she was ok and have you done something to upset her.

Good friends are hard to come by. She could be going through something you don’t know about. Friends can fall by the way side when your having money, children, marriage problems.

I’ve had something similar with my best friend who Ive known for thirty years. I ended up sending her a cross response and about a week later she replied and told me what had been going on in her life.

I felt guilty and wished I’d just asked normally.

I would assume that there is something else going on that she feels unable to tell you about via a text - relationship problems, depression, health scare, etc. Could someone else in the family be reading her messages?

Maybe you havent done anything "Wrong " as such ,but you dont have as much in common any more ? My BF and I lost touch .we went in different directions ,I had a new baby and she was going through a divorce .Has she got problems with her Partner ,or is maybe trying to conceive while you have DC? It sounds like she is not wanting to continue with your friendship ,and you cant force it .What about other friends ,has she cut them off too? Maybe DP is trying to isolate her ?

If she was a close friend I would also ask her.

Let it go. It's not much of a friendship if you have to chase her for contact.

For whatever reason, she has decided she doesn't want to see you anymore. That's her decision and even if you found out what the issue is, l very much doubt you'd get your friendship back.

Think back to January... had you purchased something new, forgotten something important to her. It could really be anything

This could be me. I've had ivf that didn't go as well as planned. I did get pregnant and am now trying to hide the pregnancy till 20 weeks because I had a tfmr before and peoples questioning and asking for (googlable) information around the time of all the testing was awful. I was spending 4 days in hospital a week in the second trimester last time and really couldn't handle anything social next to that. I'm in hospital a lot less now but still often, things are going well but I dread people finding out at this stage (16 weeks).

I still like my friends, I just can't handle contact emotionally at the moment.

MayFayre and dottiedodah she doesn't have a DP and as far as I'm aware there is no one who would be reading her messages, making her text in a particular way. Also, we last saw each other face to face before lockdown and have spoken 3 times since then when i know she has been alone. I feel like I've given her plenty of opportunity to tell me if she has something going on: health, money etc, and in the past she would have been very open about that sort of thing with me, but now she just seems guarded about everything.

Isthisfinallyit

You know the person and situation best, and you think you have upset her. If this is her way of dealing with upset then it’s always going to be a rocky friendship and one that is difficult to navigate. You have effectively ghosted her in return. I don’t know what the mutual or individual ghosting is intended to achieve. Cries for attention or remorse, or a signal to “leave me alone“. That’s the problem with passive aggressive and silent behaviour.

LemonTT I'm not sure i have ghosted her as for a while it was always me making the first contact whereas previously things had always been equal. I just wondered what would happen if i didn't keep chasing her and I've found out.

I think you've already summed it up with you say you haven't been in touch for 4 weeks and she hasn't either. Maybe send one last text to ask 'what went wrong?' and if no reply, that's it really.

It's a sad situation, you have my sympathy.

If she's decided to end the friendship, i dont think there's anything to be gained by asking what you've done wrong. Chances are, it's nothing you've 'done', it's just that the relationship doesnt work for her anymore for whatever reason.

On the off-chance there is an issue in her life, I'd go with something simple: "Hi, hope things are ok with you. I've missed chatting to you". The door's then open...

... She may or may not walk thru it.

(I'm in a similar situation as you. My formerly good friend has withdrawn, I'm not really sure why. I tried one last friendly message, heard nowt back. I figure if it's not something I've done, it must be something I am - and i can't change that! It's a bit crap though.)

You haven't ghosted her, OP. Ghosting means you disappear, and presumably if she texted you, you would reply?

It's actually her who is doing a slow-fade. You are simply letting that happen, and it is probably for the best.

Close relationships need to be reciprocal, they cannot run on one person always making all the effort. She has had plenty of opportunity to tell you if you have upset her, and it has been her choice to not do so. You cannot be expected to be a mind-reader.

I'd let it go for now - and if it does turn out she had something going on, don't feel guilty. She has a mouth and fingers, and you hung on in there longer than most would. xx

You are being faded out, just let it go. If you have to chase a friendship then it’s not what you thought it was. Don’t give it any more headspace.

Some friends will have their own weird thought processes in which they convince themselves that you have somehow behaved badly towards them. It's more of a reflection on their own personality than anything that you might have done. I have lost friends in the past, some of which I now understand that I may have caused through my own behaviour at the time for which I take responsibility for now but others where it's very much about them, not me. It sounds like you are hurt and upset which must be very painful. Try not to persecute yourself endlessly with fears that you are not a good person as I am sure these fears are unfounded. Concentrate on finding new friends and believing in yourself.

I could be accused of being like your friend. I don't like this about myself but when I am going through some internal wrangling I find it hard to be around those who know me the best because it will force me to be honest with the world about what is going on in my head (because they know me well enough to spot when something is off kilter). My best friend says she knows this about me and if I go quiet for a while it's because I'm am dealing with stuff and I will just bounce back and be more present. Could this be what's happening?

ChristmasFluff I like your point about friendships being reciprocal. You are right that she has had an opportunity to tell me what's wrong and I can't continue to try and carry the friendship.

YaasssQueen would your 'internal wrangling' go on for 5 months?

I've had a few friendships like this. The first one said that I hadn't done anything wrong when I asked but that baffled me because like yours she gradually phased me out with one or two worded texts until nothing and stopped liking Facebook posts. I clearly had done something but she probably though she might have been overreacting if she admitted what it was. That was my take on it. This was about 5 years ago and I was devastated. Out of the blue, a couple of months ago I had a friend request from her....I was so excited it was unreal. The next day I went to accept and she'd blocked me so obviously done it by mistake.

The second stopped texting me so I stopped texting her, like you, to see if she'd respond. And she never did. I do think this one probably regretted it but she is a stubborn person and will never get in touch again. I did mention the change in contact and her excuse was that she'd been busy.

I don't see the point in chasing people if they're not interested but why don't you send one last text saying "I really hope everything is OK, have I done something to upset you?"

She'll either ghost or text one or two words or she may blurt it all out? You can then move on either way.

I find it very interesting when people have suggested you do nothing. She is your friend - if the friendship means something to you ask her. Even if it’s a text message. She clearly does not have the communication skills to bring it up herself. And others are suggesting you match this by also going silent. We often assume people are doing things for a reason ie you are wondering if you have done something. But she may just have something major going on in her life that is distracting her. Something she has not yet felt comfortable sharing with you or maybe anyone. Just ask her - you have nothing to lose because if your other choice was to drop the friendship anyway and it all goes pear shaped after you have asked her - you will get the same result. But you might have something to gain by asking her. She might appreciate the opportunity to open up to you and it might deepen your friendship as a result. Silence is not often the answer - good communication is.