Should I question this friend or just let the friendship end?

[steinar41]

Since the beginning of the year, someone I thought was one of my closest friends has been doing the kind of things you see suggested on MN if you want to drop a friend. She is nearly always too busy to meet / catch up, or she makes plans and then something comes up and she has to cancel. Her text messages which used to eloquent and informative have reduced to one word answers, and when I speak to her it feels like she is often being evasive, no longer sharing personal information. It's also always me that contacts her first now.

Because of lockdown i've probably let this go on for longer than it should. 4 weeks ago I decided not to contact her anymore and see what happened. She hasn't been in touch with me even though we had a vague plan to catch up in person as lockdown restrictions were lifted. I'm now wondering whether to just accept the friendship is probably over and make no effort to contact her again, or to message her and ask why things have changed. Whilst the second option is appealing as I feel like it might bring me some 'closure', I guess realistically I might either get some harsh words because i have unwittingly done something to upset her, or I might get a bland, evasive 'don't know what you mean' response.

Any suggestions about what I should do?

Im going through similar at the moment. I know my friend has been depressed, but I've reached out a few times and not got much back in return. This has been going on for a year now and I'm all out of patience so gonna let it go. It sucks.

@steinar41 perhaps- but we don't see each other masses anyway. Maybe once/twice a month.

suggested on MN if you want to drop a friend. She is nearly always too busy to meet / catch up, or she makes plans and then something comes up and she has to cancel

No-one on MN would suggest that bit in bold, it's flakey.

I don’t know what the mutual or individual ghosting is intended to achieve. Cries for attention or remorse, or a signal to “leave me alone“. That’s the problem with passive aggressive and silent behaviour.

@LemonTT It's not passive aggressive at all. I had a therapist and she said you text, then the other person texts, then you text etc or the same with whatever form of communication. If you text or call excessively when the other person hasn't replied then it just makes you appear desperate. Also, every time the person doesn't reply it's a dent to your self-esteem.

@steinar41 +PPs - Exactly, it should be reciprocal.

I think I would ask your friend if something's wrong. Say 'I haven't heard from you as much recently, is everything ok?' Or however you want to phrase it.

She will probably say 'Yes everything's fine just insert excuse (or genuine reason) here.'

And/or you could say 'have I done something that upset?' But that does sound a bit desperate lol, I did try it with someone after they unfriended me on FB, but she didn't respond.

I recently unfriended several people on FB of not responding to PMs for months/years. To me, it's a sign of disrespect/disregard (I know not everyone sees it that way, but that's how I feel and it's not 'wrong.') I see it as I am affirming to myself my own self-esteem by not desperately keeping in touch with someone who CBA with me. It was more cathartic for me personally to affirm this rather than keep them hanging around. I did post on my wall saying people who've done this will be deleted unless they get in touch within a week. In the end I didn't give them a week though. Once years ago I did/posted the same and one of them sent a token text or two and then did the same again, so she's gone this time.

Well, no-one would suggest doing the bit between the asterisks much. :)

NoMoreDickheads

And/or you could say 'have I done something that upset?' But that does sound a bit desperate

I'm glad you said that it sounds a bit desperate. There have been several times over the past few months when I've drafted a 'have i done something to upset you' message but early on it felt a bit paranoid and then as the months passed, it never felt quite like the right time.

ittakes2 you're right that at the moment it feels like the friendship is over anyway so I've got nothing to lose by asking her what's going on.

I’m also going through almost exactly this with a friend atm OP, so this thread is very helpful.
It’s not nice is it, and I wish my friend would just be open with me and tell me if I’ve done something wrong or if she doesn’t want the friendship to continue!

I’m another one going through the exact same thing. Ignored texts, one word answers, disappearing mid-conversation which is very different from the everyday chats we have had for years. Nothing to do with lockdown as I’ve worked out it’s been going on since before that.

I have considered asking if I have done something but I think it would make things awkward or we could fall out completely which I don’t want to do as our paths may still cross socially in the future.

I have just decided to leave it now. Very weird though.

I also think if you ask, have I done something? you might not get a straight answer anyway. In my case, I think I would get a message saying everything is fine when I know it’s not.

I personally would leave it now.

I have only done this once a bit to someone as in, consciously taken a step back and hoped she’d get the hint.

In this case it was because I realised spending time with her did not make me feel good as she would always subtly put me down.
She also seemed bored and distracted when we were together so I started wondering why she was keen to still meet up and be in touch.
She also made a comment about my husband being full of shit (he might be but I’m the only one allowed to say it 😂)

I’m sure this is not the case for you.

If she had confronted and asked me if she’d done anything to upset me I would not have been honest as I find confrontation difficult so I probably just would have said I’d been busy or something.

I am probably being like your 'friend' in a scenario in my life right now so this was painful but helpful reading. In my case, it is someone who I know monitors text responses and what is written very closely, and over time I just feel suffocated as it feels like I am continuously being monitored by her. That might sound unreasonable of me, but she constantly talks about how other people have upset her in messages, how people have said unreasonable things (although if I challenge her on what they are they do not sound the same to me) and she is continuously late for meet ups so I must admit I now prioritise her much less as I am fed up of waiting for her every time we meet up.
What I'm trying to say is that there's always two sides of the story, and they can be very complicated and complex stories in themselves. Just take her hints, back away and let this lie. I think she is telling you what she wants. Sorry you've been hurt, but she may be as hurt by this as you. And if she isn't, then maybe it's best it's ended anyway.

I suppose in my case I started to suspect that she enjoyed being my friend because I made her feel superior and good about herself. As I had other kind friends where the dynamic felt more equal and I came away from seeing them feeling good about myself I limited contact with her to a minimum.

Someone did this to me recently, I suspect because she's replaced me with a "cooler" group of people . But I just accepted it without asking why as I didn't want a character takedown

I just accepted it without asking why as I didn't want a character takedown

@MrMenGoSwimming PPs are probably right that an honest response to 'have I done something to upset you?' is unlikely, unless the ghosting person is really angry about something, in which case they might say.

But I wouldn't just leave it as such, in that eventually I would block that person for my self-esteem, to assert to myself that that's not an ok way for people to treat me.

Is she like this with other people? Or just with you. I would ask her outright if shes ok because she's seemed distant.

People who are trying to withdraw from a friendship dont make plans and then cancel them. That's more consistent with anxiety/depression (though obv not for everyone).

If you're a friend then you'd check if she's ok. Especially in the current situation.

This could be me, and where my closest friends are concerned it’s really nothing personal. I just have a lot on my plate right now, nothing insurmountable or worth writing home about but enough to make me crave solitude. If asked how I am I’d say I’m fine as I know people have it a lot worse than me at the moment, I’ve just lost my mojo a bit.

Palavah we don't have any mutual friends so I'm not sure what she's like with other people but in the conversations we've had since lockdown, she has told me that she has been meeting up with other friends, even when we weren't supposed to.

People who are trying to withdraw from a friendship don't make plans and then cancel them.

Twice she has cancelled plans with me to do something else with other people. Once was understandable because a friend was apparently having a domestic emergency. The other time was because she got a better offer, she obviously didn't phrase it like that but that was the underlying message. In neither case did she attempt to reschedule, which suggests that she no longer cares whether we meet up or not.

Butterywarning so how would you like a friend who was worried about your friendship to deal with you? To just leave you alone until you feel ready to re-engage? To ask you what is going on? Or do you think that you might lose friends who unintentionally become offended.

I really can't be bothered with people that have better offers, if you arrange something with someone it's so rude to make other arrangements. She obviously doesn't prioritise your friendship so I wouldn't bother.

I have had this with work colleagues. All chatty and happy at the start of lockdown and now ignore me or reply with one word answers. If the pay wasn't so good, I'd look for somewhere else to work.
I'm just not going to go out of my way for anyone, once I'm back.

How long have you been friends?
I’d say to just not bother. If you have to chase and send a “what did I do wrong?” message then it’s nearly always over at that point. It will only feel awkward and drag on. You’ve been cut off. She’s never going to tell you the real reason. You could send “I’m getting the impression that you are ghosting me. Not sure why but I’m not going to keep chasing you. I’m here if you ever want to catch up but I won’t be texting again. All the best” and then leave it. At least then she knows that you know. It’s shit and it makes it really hard to trust to bother building new friendships. Spend a few years making effort to get to know somebody and then this kind of behaviour! What’s the point!

I had someone do this to me. I was going through a bit of a mental health low and dh and i were very tense in our relationship. We all went away together one weekend and after that she stopped sending replies or sent a few words. Never asking about me or my family.

So hurtful as I'd given so much during her depressive periods and hard times. When i needed support she dropped me. From her pov she would say i changed, but my change was temporary during my struggles.

We are fb friends but that's it. I didn't inform her of my second miscarriage or my last 2 pregnancies. We are still on fb so she congratulated me but i wasn't getting sucked back in to chasing her and supporting her whole being dropped when i needed support. What also hurt was mutual friends blatantly lying and saying they had no clue why she was drawing away and maybe i was mistaken when it was obviously known to them . It made me reassess those friendships too as being ignored and not knowing why, being gaslighted by her and mutual friends to make out nothing was wrong and i was wrong to think it was a mind melter.

Write her off .

I think you have answered your own question. Twice she has left seeing you because she had a better offer. Friends just don't do that! She's no friend. Move on, it's her loss.

YANBU. DO what’s best for you. If sending her a message telling her how she has made you feel then go for it. What’s the worst that can happen? You’ll get closure or realise she wasn’t the person you that she was. Win win.

I’m splitting from abusive DH and it’s made me withdraw into myself and ignore texts and calls from family/friends until I’m ready. But I still would end this friendship one way or another.

This really rang bells with me OP. It’s so tough & the situation we’re in now makes it worse. I really regret what happened with a friend of mine. I should have gone to see her & talk about it but the longer I left it, the harder it got. Please don’t be me & still be trying to reach out 2 years later! Sad I know but I never got closure. She just wouldn’t answer my texts, even the ones wishing her daughters a Happy Birthday, and I so wanted an explanation! She had asked me not to include her in Watsapp messages or texts but I didn’t get her to clarify if she meant all messages or just those inviting her to things. The other problem I believe was that when we met up all I tended to talk about was my problems with DD ( we have daughters in the same class at school & used to be quite close). I sent a message to apologise for that but she didn’t reply & it was about a month after that when she asked me not to include her in group texts. My other friends with kids at the same school sympathised & thought she should at least have the courtesy to reply. Anyway, I kept trying but got nothing back. Gave it one last attempt during lockdown as I thought she might change ( it does put everything into perspective) but still nothing. I feel sad because she was brilliant in the early years of us adopting DD, plus she’s in my social circle so it can be awkward with Christmas parties etc. Maybe she wasn’t the person or the friend I thought she was.

I had this with someone who made themselves a big part of my life and then randomly disappeared despite living round the corner. I got really mad, cos we had made plans and I didn’t get so much as a message or call when I asked what had happened. She knew I had upcoming surgery that I was scared about, didn’t hear a thing. That’s fine, I don’t need friends like that.

Months down the line I get a message asking to borrow something that she knew I had- for the sake of this let’s say it’s my hoover. I replied saying I didn’t have it. Didn’t hear back.
Months passed. I got a knock on the door asking if I’d seen her dc. I said no and she said what are you not going to invite me in? I said no, you can’t be arsed with me so I’ve no interest to be honest- went inside and closed the door.
Her dc saw mine and tried to strike a conversation and I just walked off with mine. Her dc are adults, they had been ignoring me too.

Cut me off and I get mad. I’d asked if I’d done anything, no reply. I’ve recently had another message (via Facebook this time) despite me deleting from contacts asking to borrow money. Didn’t reply, just blocked. I actually don’t care if it’s awkward now, I’m not the one who caused it.

In your shoes op I’d just take the hint and move on. I know it might hurt, but you can’t keep waiting around for people. If she does contact you and has an explanation then great. If not, then you didn’t mean as much to her as she did to you. Sorry.