Should I question this friend or just let the friendship end?

[steinar41]

Since the beginning of the year, someone I thought was one of my closest friends has been doing the kind of things you see suggested on MN if you want to drop a friend. She is nearly always too busy to meet / catch up, or she makes plans and then something comes up and she has to cancel. Her text messages which used to eloquent and informative have reduced to one word answers, and when I speak to her it feels like she is often being evasive, no longer sharing personal information. It's also always me that contacts her first now.

Because of lockdown i've probably let this go on for longer than it should. 4 weeks ago I decided not to contact her anymore and see what happened. She hasn't been in touch with me even though we had a vague plan to catch up in person as lockdown restrictions were lifted. I'm now wondering whether to just accept the friendship is probably over and make no effort to contact her again, or to message her and ask why things have changed. Whilst the second option is appealing as I feel like it might bring me some 'closure', I guess realistically I might either get some harsh words because i have unwittingly done something to upset her, or I might get a bland, evasive 'don't know what you mean' response.

Any suggestions about what I should do?

Move on OP. It doesn't matter about the whys and wherefores, if she cared about you, she'd explain. She's not as invested as you, so just move on. Being alone is better than being with people who don't care about you.

I did this to a “friend” recently too

We’ve known each other since secondary school, but had an on/off friendship. I just felt awful after spending time with her as she would make nasty comments etc and bring up odd things/embarrassing photos from my past. I always used to pay for her as well, as she never had money.

It just didn’t feel like a friendship, almost like we were just speaking for the sake of it. At the same time I didn’t have a real reason to dramatically end the friendship so just went for slowly distancing myself.

@steinar41 I’d like to think those close to me would feel able to ask me about it. I’d most likely be mortified that I’d made them feel that way and would try and explain where I’m at if asked. If I lose friends over it so be it, unfortunately sometimes life gets in the way and if someone can’t understand that we’re probably not best placed being friends in the first place.

That said, cancelling for a better offer is just rude and not ok.

Friendships like all relationships are hard sometimes. If deep down you cant think of anything you have done ( or not done) it is probably best to let it go.
If she cant even be bothered to salvage your friendship its a clear signal that she doesnt value it.
Also lockdown has given many people a chance to reflect on relationships in general and maybe make changes?
I was like you, wanting to give people a chance, trying to fix, hold on and ignore bad behaviour. But she has treated you quite shabbily?
Removing herself from your life gives you chance to replace her with better quality friends.
It became clear to me, during lockdown, that as a practical person, who assists others, I am not needed when its not possible to perform this. That hurt too but best you see others agenda for what it is.
I also realised that some people are hugely self absorbed. I been too poorly (long tail post viral Covid) and not had the energy to listen 'all about them' not once have they enquired if I ok, as I made it clear I am not listening to their latest drama/ ego trip/ brag etc so they stopped bothering.
So be honest with uourself too. Are you a good friend? If you are then be glad she fizzled away.

So tricky, I think I’m in your friend”s position. An old friend won’t leave me alone, multiple calls despite me saying I’m too busy to be on the phone half the afternoon, persistent messages about banal stuff. She’s recently got back in touch after a big gap of years and she’s no longer top of my priority list. I know this sounds horrible, but I wish she’d take my not so subtle hints.

I'd stop hinting Cherry, it's not horrible if you are making it clear to her. On the caveat you aren't doing the two pronged hint, saying you are so busy right now but otherwise you'd love to chat for example. So not so blatant.

You may be best off being more blunt for both of you 'I'm very busy with everything thats going on, i don't have time to call and text all the time. It's good to be back in contact but i barely have much time for my close friends. '

Cherrysoup I think this thread has shown that if you rely on hints then the other person may be able to think of loads of reasons why you are not being as friendly as expected. I think if she recently got back in touch after a number of years then you can probably tell her that you have realised that you have little / nothing in common anymore and need to prioritise other people. It may be hurtful to her to hear but better than hoping she will take the hint.

@ellendegeneres
Cut me off and I get mad. I’d asked if I’d done anything, no reply. I’ve recently had another message (via Facebook this time) despite me deleting from contacts asking to borrow money.
I've had this - people who were too busy living their own lives to care about me - until they want something. It does hurt to see what "value" some people place on you being in their lives.