Am I an emotionally abusive parent?

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

I will start by saying that I grew up in an emotionally abusive household and have real trouble with knowing what's normal and what's not. I mean, I think I do, but then I second-guess myself constantly.

I love my three children and would do anything for them. But one of them, if I'm honest, I find harder to engage with. I try hard to be patient and tolerant and loving, but I just find my irritation threshold (iykwim) is much lower with her than with the others. I am afraid she can sense this and will feel jealous and pushed out as she grows up.

E.g.s: tonight I was trying to comfort her younger sibling, who was in absolute sobbing tired hysterics at bedtime. I asked DD to give me some time alone with younger sibling as it's easier to calm her when DD not around and also DD will constantly ask questions/ yabber on and frankly I also wanted 2 minutes alone with the baby to give her a kiss before bedtime and just focus on her a minute. I haven't seen any of them all day as at work. DD initially refused to leave us and I became a bit snappy and said I'd do her bedtime in a minute but could she please listen now and give us a bit of space.

Or, last night I got to bed at 1am after finishing work and when I came upstairs DD was standing on the landing holding her teddy. I was very tired and not in the mood and probably didn't handle it well. I asked her if she was poorly or scared, or needed the loo. She said no. I asked her to go back to bed and said she needed sleep. She didn't listen and sat down in the middle of her bedroom floor. I tried to get her into bed short of physically carrying her, couldn't manage it, and ended up just walking back downstairs and getting DH to do it as I couldn't deal with it at that time of night.

Later, I felt bad, like I'd abandoned her.

When I write them out, these things seem small, but then, stuff like this happens on a daily basis and I'm worried she feels constantly subtly pushed out or criticised.

She is 5, for context.

I'm scared I'm turning into one of those horrible narc mothers you read about on here :(

You don't sound at all emotionally abusive. Parents are just human and we are not perfect. I only have one dc and I find it the toughest job I've ever had to cope with; you have 3 young children! That's not easy at all. One thing I do when my DD is driving me nuts is think about how she looks when she's asleep and that softens me in the moment and rather than snap I give her a big hug or say something affirming and gentle. Could a mental exercise like that work for you?

Well , I've read the detail you gave and tried to imagine the scenes in which you describe and you sound like a tired parent who is trying her hardest . You did the right thing getting your husband to see to your daughter last night .

Do you offer affection at all times , not just when the child is doing what you say?

Would you always defend your children to outsiders even when they are annoying you?

Do you love your children for who they are and not for how they make you look?

I wonder if she senses that you're pushing her away slightly and is trying to find ways to be physically closer, but of course she has't got the language or emotional intelligence to understand when you're able to do that and when you're not. It doesn't sound like you're being emotionally abusive but as she gets older it is possible that she will start to wonder what's wrong with her to make you not like her. Time is on your side though to turn it round for both of you but it's likely to take some concerted effort from you as the adult to take a lead in changing the tone of your relationship so that you feel more attuned and connected to each other. Good luck! x

And finding one child harder than the others doesn't make you emotionally abusive , it just makes you human. Honestly, it happens to the best of us.

5 year olds are really hard work. Far more irritating (for want if a better word) than babies are. Lockdown situation not helping either. You sound like me. I'm actually way worse probably. I suppose I could be emotionally abusive as well right enough but probably just tired parents trying our best (hopefully!)

Not at all but do carve out some time to spend one on one with her. She's very young & will really need you. I have 2 dc & I know the older one sometimes needs to be mothered more as he thinks the younger one get more attention. He is more sensitive & she's more independent. You are doing great but get some time for yourself & some for each dc

Food for thought here. Yes, her younger siblings are 'harder' in that they hit, bite etc. But it doesn't bug me in the same way. Because i know they are really little and can't help it.

It is very hard to get 121 time with her. I work FT in a 'very FT' job (I'm actually skiving off work right now and have been at it since 9am) and DH is furloughed but has DD + 2 younger siblings to look after. It's almost impossible to get any 121 time with her at all. I do know she's lacking it.

Do you offer affection at all times , not just when the child is doing what you say?

Would you always defend your children to outsiders even when they are annoying you?

Do you love your children for who they are and not for how they make you look?

^^ Good questions. I try hard to show affection with small touches, buying her things I think she'll like, and praise whenever she does something good. If she is acting up I will try to be loving, for example, putting her firmly back to bed but giving a kiss and saying it is becuase she needs sleep to be healthy. So yes, I think so.

Yes, I would never let anyone criticise my children (I mean, other than teachers doing behavioural reports etc) and although I am very proud to be seen out and about with my children I don't particularly think of them as reflecting on me iyswim.

Opal71 post is excellent.

I would imagine that parents who ask questions like "am I emotionally abusive, are not in fact, abusive. Abusive parents, from what I've seen and read, seem generally very comfortable in their actions and behaviour.

I have three kids. I find it easier to get irritated by the older one, because she should be more 'grown up.' But she's still a child. It's a trap both you and I and probably many other parents need to wary of. Especially those of us with three or more - don't force the baby and child out of them before they're ready. Think of the utter love and affection you can poor on a baby or toddler and think of the oldest seeing it but not getting the same level - it must be so hard. But I empathize very, very strongly.

If she is acting up I will try to be loving, for example, putting her firmly back to bed but giving a kiss and saying it is becuase she needs sleep to be healthy. So yes, I think so.

This sounds good.

I think it's always a sign of good parenting when you question your parenting, if you see what I mean?

*pour, not poor. Shame on me.

I think it's not abusive as long as you aren't constantly/unduly focusing on the other ones or asking her to back off while you deal with the other ones (that was fine as long as that isn't the only type of interaction you have with her and you also take time to do stuff for her like you do with the others.)

I think you sound a million miles away from an emotionally abusive parent and very close to a very good but imperfect parent who identifies with her daughter to a high level. The fact you feel guilty when you have made your daughter feel left out (due to circumstances) shows that you care a great deal.

Your daughter needs to learn boundaries and what you have described in your OP sounds like that is what you are trying to do, nothing more or less really.

The way you notice her reactions to things and care about them enough to create this thread shows you have a lot of empathy , and this is with the child you're finding the most difficult!

As long as you spend time with her one to one as well as just with the family unit and keep trying to meet her needs and let her be herself while teaching her everything she needs to know.

Genuinely, I think you sound like a really good mother .

Not abusive but I would also be feeling bad about what you describe.
I have a 5yo too and it's not an easy age. It's the most difficult age so far, that's for sure.

We are finding DD need a lot of affection, reassurance and attention at the moment. I try not to leave her out of situations, for example it would be SO much easier if I could get 10 mins to bath the baby and get her into PJs. But DD5 wants to be there so ok, even though it turns it into a bit of an ordeal.
It's not great for me or baby having constant noise, energy, demands from 5yo in the background - but I have a sense that this is a very important developmental stage, and I want DD to be sure she's wanted and loved and have confidence in her place in the family. There's so much confusion at the moment generally I'm certainly not going to add to any worries are where she is and isn't able to be at home. She goes back to school 2 days a week from next week so I'll get a little time alone with baby then. And make a bit of a fuss of 5yo when she gets home 💤

What @NewLevelsOfTiredness wrote is spit on imo

I had three under four at one point
They’re 2.5, 4.5 and almost 6.5 now and it is still very hard, more so in fact.

But I think by questioning yourself and doing this soul searching you are not An emotionally abusive parent just a tired and yet switched on one

It is a very complex and stormy sea to navigate. I can assure you I have felt like this with my three before and I have come down stairs and wept quietly (I’m on my own with them so there is nobody else there at 1am)

Sorry not a great deal of advice but a handhold and just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone in this.

OP the fact you are even on here asking shows you care, so give yourself a break!! Kids can be annoying and l often tell my daughter to give me 5 minutes space - doesn't make you an emotional abuser. Totally agree with pp maybe just give her a bit of one on one time, doesn't have to be long but just ten minutes a day so she doesn't crave attention. Good luck xx

Thanks all. It does make me feel a bit better. Not completely as I still think I'm in the wrong but better.

The thing is.......... this

Abusive parents, from what I've seen and read, seem generally very comfortable in their actions and behaviour

My dad would blow up completely, do something like throw my favourite toy in the bin, smash up something I loved, hit me, and then start weeping and asking 'am I a bad father' and demanding we hug and reassure him and say we loved him. It used to make me so mad bc I felt like I wasn't allowed my feelings, I couldn't be angry about how i'd been treated!

I regard his treatment as abusive but he definitely cared, almost neurotically, about being 'a good parent'.

Abusive parents think they are the bees knees and never analyse what they could do better, unless it's in some kind of competition to be the no 1 parent, so you definitely are not abusive if you are thinking deeply in to it.

Okay , what your dad did was incredibly abusive . He would do something cruel, nasty or vindictive and then he became upset and effectively turned himself into the victim of the situation so that you had to console and take care of him . That is really messed up and I think what he did was a nasty form of gaslighting. At the very least it is highly, highly manipulative.

I don't think he would ever have seen himself as abusive but it would have been difficult for him not to see how manipulative he was in creating that situation?

Do you see what I mean? I have no doubt your dad almost believed that he was the victim but there was a part of him that knew it was his manipulations that caused the problems in the first place .

Except he would never have saw that because he probably has no skills in the art of self reflection. This is very important to us , as humans , in growing and caring and nurturing others. If we are able to self reflect and adjust our behaviour where appropriate then we are doing the best we can.

You have good skills in self reflection. This whole thread is an exercise in self reflection.

Tell me about something highly manipulative you have done lately? Can you think of anything?

My dad would blow up completely, do something like throw my favourite toy in the bin, smash up something I loved, hit me, and then start weeping and asking 'am I a bad father' and demanding we hug and reassure him and say we loved him

This isn't anything like what you're doing. In fact, can you imagine going to your daughter demanding affection, when you've just had one of those difficult moments you've described? I'll bet that would seem alien to you.

You're allowed (we all are) to have difficult moments with our kids. The 'abuse' part comes when we start trying to get the kids to say things they don't mean, to make us feel better.

Also from a very abusive childhood OP, so I absolutely understand why you are questioning and second guessing yourself constantly.
What you have described does not at all sound abusive, but I do know that it can feel like it in your own head.
You have to remember you are not your dad and your daughter is not you.
I agree with other posters that the fact you are worrying about this and have that level of self awareness, plus the empathy to see things from your daughter’s perspective ( potentially) suggests you are not being emotionally abusive.x.

not abusive but the last thing you said about your DD sitting in the middle of the room or just standing there etc.. i used to do this until i was about 9 .... it was a cry for attention ... My mum used to be busy as worked full time and was doin a college course so i rarely saw her, i used to do stuff like just sit in the middle of my room holding my teddy whilst wishing my mum would come in and hug me to sleep.

We have a good relationship now but i am a single child so i imagine i would have been worse if id had siblings to deal with too.

I do wish i felt more secure as a child. i understand its hard. i have a 2 year old and a 1 year old and keep reminding myself that they MUST both feel equally special and i cannot act as if i favour one over the the other but it is hard sometimes.

I said potentially, meaning that your daughter is probably not feeling as bad as you think she is, but the fact that you are able to consider things from her point of view suggests you are not being emotionally abusive.

That's an interesting point from Samtsirch

I came from an abusive childhood and I actually realised that I was protecting my children and overcompensating from abuse that they had never actually received. I was protecting "me" through them. Does that make sense? I had to work hard to realise this because my children would have been wrapped in cotton wool to the point of not being able to breathe if I hadn't forced myself to let go a bit.

Have you considered therapy? Your past might understandably be making you paranoid about your parenting. You are probably pressed for time, but it would be good to unpack all of that.