Am I an emotionally abusive parent?

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

I will start by saying that I grew up in an emotionally abusive household and have real trouble with knowing what's normal and what's not. I mean, I think I do, but then I second-guess myself constantly.

I love my three children and would do anything for them. But one of them, if I'm honest, I find harder to engage with. I try hard to be patient and tolerant and loving, but I just find my irritation threshold (iykwim) is much lower with her than with the others. I am afraid she can sense this and will feel jealous and pushed out as she grows up.

E.g.s: tonight I was trying to comfort her younger sibling, who was in absolute sobbing tired hysterics at bedtime. I asked DD to give me some time alone with younger sibling as it's easier to calm her when DD not around and also DD will constantly ask questions/ yabber on and frankly I also wanted 2 minutes alone with the baby to give her a kiss before bedtime and just focus on her a minute. I haven't seen any of them all day as at work. DD initially refused to leave us and I became a bit snappy and said I'd do her bedtime in a minute but could she please listen now and give us a bit of space.

Or, last night I got to bed at 1am after finishing work and when I came upstairs DD was standing on the landing holding her teddy. I was very tired and not in the mood and probably didn't handle it well. I asked her if she was poorly or scared, or needed the loo. She said no. I asked her to go back to bed and said she needed sleep. She didn't listen and sat down in the middle of her bedroom floor. I tried to get her into bed short of physically carrying her, couldn't manage it, and ended up just walking back downstairs and getting DH to do it as I couldn't deal with it at that time of night.

Later, I felt bad, like I'd abandoned her.

When I write them out, these things seem small, but then, stuff like this happens on a daily basis and I'm worried she feels constantly subtly pushed out or criticised.

She is 5, for context.

I'm scared I'm turning into one of those horrible narc mothers you read about on here :(

Hi op, just start with, there is no child in the world who is bad, bold or mean, every single action from a child comes from an emotion. Your girl probably senses your differences and these are her ways of trying to reach you. Op, it's normal to be irratated by our kids, but please remember to overdo the affection with hugs and long cuddles and I love you's, in the times where you are not feeling irritated. There needs to be a balance if you want your little girl to grow up confident with high self esteem, and someone who believes in themselves and sees the world in a positive way. Its a good thing that you are aware of your relationship, it will only get better.

Not abusive, but stretched - nearly 100 days in lockdown, it’s bloody hard.

I wondered about your childhood OP - what were you like when you were 5? Maybe your daughter is bringing up or triggering something about how you were at the same age?

Also HP too old for a 5 yo. We like Amelia Fang - short chapter books, nice illustrations, she’s half fairy half vampire.

Something that stood out to me was this:

" Yes, her younger siblings are 'harder' in that they hit, bite etc. But it doesn't bug me in the same way. Because i know they are really little and can't help it."

She is 5 - she is still 'really little and can't help it', and her being the oldest doesn't change that.

This is all really useful and I'm glad I started this thread.

She was really acting up at bedtime tonight - not listening - and she lost her bedtime story. But I tried very hard to stay completely calm and hug her and tell her it was all bc she was too tired, and everyone felt cross when they were tired, and when she had had a good sleep she would feel better.

On the HP, she has read all the Worst Witch books, most Roald Dahl, some abridged classics eg Little Women, and is now on Famous Five. I think she would be okay with it but I also bought her some other books to read with me if she doesn't want to read HP.

@JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff

This is all really useful and I'm glad I started this thread.

She was really acting up at bedtime tonight - not listening - and she lost her bedtime story. But I tried very hard to stay completely calm and hug her and tell her it was all bc she was too tired, and everyone felt cross when they were tired, and when she had had a good sleep she would feel better.

On the HP, she has read all the Worst Witch books, most Roald Dahl, some abridged classics eg Little Women, and is now on Famous Five. I think she would be okay with it but I also bought her some other books to read with me if she doesn't want to read HP.

You realize she was acting up because when your other child was causing a fuss a bedtime they got told to go away so they could have alone time with cuddles and snuggles. When she does it she loses the only real 121 time she gets with a parent a day. You need to do better for your DD.

Mine always get their bedtime story as i don't want them to go to bed on a bad note. If you use time out maybe do that then once she's done on time out, up to bed and story? She's desperate for your attention so taking away the one bit of sole attention she gets is quite sad.

Allosaurus - DD2 wasn't acting up as such, she was just very tired and crying with it. DD1 was looking me in the eye and walking away when asked to do basic things like "please put your pjs on now". It went on for almost half an hour.

Plus DD2 is 2yo and DD1 is five and a half.

Also I behaved exactly the same to both - I hugged them, told them they were tired, and put them to bed as they needed sleep!

Your dd will need some one to one time with you, and lots of affection in the same quantity and quality as the younger two. If you are doing this already, and you are making time for her, and just for her without the interruptions, then this to me sounds like a problem we all have in terms of how much time and emotional energy we have to spend. We are not limitless or overflowing. If you have a dp is he is helping and putting the hours in too looking after the dc?

I am afraid lockdown means most of us are regularly running dry of every ounce of energy and time, and I don't think we can achieve the impossible, but just making it to the end of each day with everyone cared for is enough. I am not the mother I was pre lockdown, I haven't had a minute to myself since the beginning of March, and we are exhausted, the well has truly run dry - you can not pour from an empty cup op.

1am and she is still up, most parents would find that incredibly tiresome. So no, definitely not emotionally abusive at all, but worth checking to see if she has having enough one to one time, you may not be able to do much about that in the middle of a pandemic, but a note to self for the future to make it up to her when you can, she is almost certainly just picking up from the general tension and is feeling unsettled, so extra reassurance may also be needed.

@JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff

Allosaurus - DD2 wasn't acting up as such, she was just very tired and crying with it. DD1 was looking me in the eye and walking away when asked to do basic things like "please put your pjs on now". It went on for almost half an hour.

Plus DD2 is 2yo and DD1 is five and a half.

Also I behaved exactly the same to both - I hugged them, told them they were tired, and put them to bed as they needed sleep!

Sorry OP - I agree the most important thing was staying calm and loving as you did, but I disagree with your assessment of this!

Behaviour is communication. Your 2yo communicates her tiredness and need for love/reassurance through crying and maybe stropping etc, your 5yo communicates her tiredness and need for love/reassurance through testing boundaries.

As you say, both were tired and both of them you reminded them of this and helped them get the sleep they needed, and I guess ‘is losing a bedtime story a reasonable punishment’ is a slightly separate debate. But I do think your take on this re age-appropriate expectations is something to keep in mind over and over. It’s always hardest with your eldest child to judge this stuff, I think.

I gather she's the eldest, out of interests what's your position in your family?

Eldest siblings get it tough because they have to adapt more to younger siblings and your DD like mine is old enough to remember a time when their younger sibling weren't here. Equally because they are your first you have no understanding as a parent how to manage a situation where as when this will happen with your youngest you'll be able to handle it easier and you wont find it quite a big deal.

The reason I ask where you are in your own family is I'm a first born so I got out of my way to make sure my DD7 isn't held to a higher standard as I remember what it felt like. My DH is the youngest in his and really struggles with our oldest 'not acting her age'when actually she does.

I dont think what you've done is abusive and I've done similar when I've been breastfeeding and one has barged I to the bedroom when the baby was nearly asleep but the only thing I dont agree with is taking the reading to bed away as punishment, for me that time is how you reconnect before bed and puts a full stop on the day.