Partner has flip flopped on us moving back to our home towns after birth of our second child.

[Joelijane]

I met me partner in London and we've got a 3.5 yr old and 11month old boys. We initially had a plan that we would move back to our home area (we are both from near to each other in the North west) idea was, whoever got a job first could move with the kids and the other would follow asap. We both work and have similar earning potential / me probably bit more. M
Our elderly parents and wider families are in the North West too plus I have friends with kids that I count as a great support network. My mum is the younger grandma and specifically helps with childcare and would do alot of it if we wanted and were close by saving us thousands.

On the way back from the scan of our second child I said how excited I was for the future and moving and he said that it was ridiculous!!! that he has to get a job first or we can't move and that its unlikely he will as he's been looking for years. That we can move to the outskirts of London. I was beyond devastated. I have found raising the children so so hard without having that extra support but had clung to the dream plan of going back up north. Staying in London or moving to the outskirts so he can retain the same job feels beyond selfish. We cant afford to live the way we could up north, living on such a tight budget or not saving because we are stuck here for his job. Truth is i' ve loved my time here but as a new family I find it pretty unforgiving a place to live and I just want to go back home. Moving outside of London we'd have to start from scratch make new friends research where to live etc and it makes me so sad. I'm too tired to do it all again (I'm 38 and he is 46) just want to be near family and cultivate our new family life from where we are both from. We both have a great relationship with our respective families and in laws too. I am aware this flip flopping in his decision making is a trait with him but this is too big to let go! And i don't know how to move forwards.

NB My job is much more transferable than his which is why idea of me moving first and securing employment was a sound plan.

Has anyone been in my situation please? What realistically can i do? Coukd I suggest I do the original plan and go back up north and see if he will follow? I want him to be with us, I want my family together. I don't think I'll be ok to stay as a family down south if he doesnt agree to go.

Any help, tips, ideas or insights very much appreciated xxx

I think you should look to relocate to the north west. I certainly wouldn't move to the outskirts of London.

He can then decide if he wants to come with or if he wants to stay.

Thank you

I'm sceptical about this 'I've been looking for years' business. And I don't like him assuming his job is all important if you have very similar earning potential. I agree with Bernadette.

I'm your position I'd start to look at relocating yourself. I very much doubt he's been looking for years. Sounds like I
He simply doesn't want to move back up north.

Ah yes that's what I thought too, I wish he'd give me the reason ...He is stubborn and a bit lazy against change so may be it's that too but it's not a good enough reason to not go

so let HIM stay in London...

YOU go home lovely and set down roots with friends and family supporting you

I’ve been through this. Exact same situation. We had an agreement to move back to where we’d lived when we met and were at Uni. Where my roots and my friends/family live. Second child came along and I found it so so hard with zero support network. He refused to go. So I’m now stuck down South. Mine is blatant though. Says he’s not interested. He likes it here. He’s made mates here and couldn’t give a fig about the ones we left behind. It’s honestly torn me apart and hurt my mental health. I miss my friends. I’m always scrambling around to try and make new connections. I’ve got nobody that I can pop to the shops with. Nobody to go to an exercise class with, nobody I can call in an emergency to pop over and watch the kids. I hate living here but I can’t drag the kids all that way as they are now secondary school. I wish I’d gone before they started school. Go now. Don’t wait. Family/friend support is SO important. Don’t be me. I’m bitter and resentful and hate my life. You know what you want so make it happen

I'm so sorry you've had to go through that. It's my biggest fear. The mental health crises are what pushed me to post on here. Sending love xxx

Have you actually got a job there though? Get an offer on the table before mentioning it again would be my suggestion

Yes, it may be possible my current job would transfer and I can start doing my private practice remotely too. Id like a PAYE role ideally confirmed before the move. I'm thinking though to get a new job offer before mentioning the move to him might seem like I've not been honest? I do like the pragmatic approach though x

Would his job take a big pay cut being out of London? Could that be the worry.

As for moving without him- nope, I saw a location location location like that once where the woman moved home to Yorkshire and the husband got a crash pad in London. So basically she was lumbered with all the parenting and practical family crap day to day and he was living it up like a bachelor in the city- hell no!

I think he would work remotely and do some commuting in to London initially. Id be able to work more up north as we'd have quite a bit of free childcare so financiallywould work out. He would defo play more golf if alone without me and the boys 🤣

I’m sorry but you said. Whoever gets a job first. Well then just get a bloody job where you want to live!

Defo x

I think he was just going along with it to please you. When it comes to it, he is too frightened to move jobs. So you will have to see can you get a job back home like you say. He may well feel more secure about moving then as all the responsibility won't be on him.

Yes, I think you may be right their. Will get to it x

Don't just move back. He will be able to compel the children's return through the family court - to join your children, you would need to move back to London as a newly sole-renting single mother.

You need to either convince him to go with you, allow you to go alone (with the children), or apply to the family court for permission to move as part of separation.

I'm sorry OP, but either he never intended to return and he knows you're more "stuck" with kids, or there is a reason he now needs to stay in London. Ensure your financial independence.

Thank you, i wasn't sure of the legalities around it x

I've been in a similar position twice, once as the child and once as you.

My mum moved back across the country when I was 4. I saw my dad in the summer holidays and at Christmas, and could never just visit when I wanted. The "Herbie" films were in the cinema when I was little, and I used to think how great it would be if I met Herbie, and could just ask him to drive me over there!

My exh agreed that it would be great if we spent some time living in his country, and then some time living in mine (the UK), so that the kids would be bicultural. Never happened of course: turned out that I saw it as a plan, he saw it as a funny idea you might talk about, like living on a farm with ten dogs. We broke up when our youngest was 14 and I'm still here. I didn't consider moving them away from their dad.

Difficult decision even if he "lets" you go as you can't please everyone, and there are so many factors involved. Everyone has to weigh it up for themself.

So difficult. My idea in the interim was that he would continue to work in London, staying over there when on shift then commuting back to stay with us when he's off. His rota means he gets 3 days off in a row or more. Also he is starting to get chance to wfh which makes him more flexible. Ultimately I believe the kids will have a nicer life up north and i get more support making me better able to parent too. I've felt broken this last yr and he's witnessed alot if it. Will have to start talking seriously about it all x

The whole plan was dependent on establishing a viable financial future in the NW. You aren’t at that stage yet and he could be right that it’s not feasible. That requires a grown up discussion on both sides about your joint aspirations and ability to achieve them.

I’m a bit shocked that people are telling you to take children away from one of their parents. That’s a cruel thing to do. Most parents i know have sacrificed relocations, relationships and career moves because of the need to ensure their children can be close to both parents.

It really saddens me to hear an adult put their need to be near their family at the expense of their children’s need to be near their other parent. That’s beyond selfish.

Thank you, its the flip flopping that's caused me to seek advice on here, not the balls to do a runner. It's as much a relationship issue as anything else that paralysed me in what to do or think about our future. We would be near both of our families if moving. Thank you for an alternative perspective x

I would get a job and move and tell your DP he can move with you once he has found a job as per your initial agreement.

I'm not saying that it's not possible but I've never heard of a parent being ordered to move back to an area to the other parent. One of my friends was you her DH went to court to try to force it but my friend was able to show the DC had strong relationships with her family and it was considered in the DCs best interest to stay with DF regularly having access.

Tbh I think if you dont move you will end up resenting him which will end your relationship eventually. The only difference will be that the DC are older and in school which may mean you are unable to move.

The resentment thing resonates alot x

One reason I broke up with my exh is that he spent three years living in another town and coming home at weekends. Even if you don't intend to break up, the possible costs of separation should be factored in.

If OP moves alone, the kids might just eas easily resent her for separating them from their dad, and if they move together, then he could end up resenting her. Lots of resentment possible in every scenario!