Partner has flip flopped on us moving back to our home towns after birth of our second child.

[Joelijane]

I met me partner in London and we've got a 3.5 yr old and 11month old boys. We initially had a plan that we would move back to our home area (we are both from near to each other in the North west) idea was, whoever got a job first could move with the kids and the other would follow asap. We both work and have similar earning potential / me probably bit more. M
Our elderly parents and wider families are in the North West too plus I have friends with kids that I count as a great support network. My mum is the younger grandma and specifically helps with childcare and would do alot of it if we wanted and were close by saving us thousands.

On the way back from the scan of our second child I said how excited I was for the future and moving and he said that it was ridiculous!!! that he has to get a job first or we can't move and that its unlikely he will as he's been looking for years. That we can move to the outskirts of London. I was beyond devastated. I have found raising the children so so hard without having that extra support but had clung to the dream plan of going back up north. Staying in London or moving to the outskirts so he can retain the same job feels beyond selfish. We cant afford to live the way we could up north, living on such a tight budget or not saving because we are stuck here for his job. Truth is i' ve loved my time here but as a new family I find it pretty unforgiving a place to live and I just want to go back home. Moving outside of London we'd have to start from scratch make new friends research where to live etc and it makes me so sad. I'm too tired to do it all again (I'm 38 and he is 46) just want to be near family and cultivate our new family life from where we are both from. We both have a great relationship with our respective families and in laws too. I am aware this flip flopping in his decision making is a trait with him but this is too big to let go! And i don't know how to move forwards.

NB My job is much more transferable than his which is why idea of me moving first and securing employment was a sound plan.

Has anyone been in my situation please? What realistically can i do? Coukd I suggest I do the original plan and go back up north and see if he will follow? I want him to be with us, I want my family together. I don't think I'll be ok to stay as a family down south if he doesnt agree to go.

Any help, tips, ideas or insights very much appreciated xxx

I do have counselling too which is a support in terms of MH

OP, I know exactly what you mean. I also live far from family (abroad) and this whole situation has thrown that decision into stark relief, and made the world seem very big. I imagine if you were already disappointed with your DH’s volte-face, this will have made that feel more urgent. Don’t lose your head! And keep planning.

Thank you x

My ex husband used to do this a lot. We'd make a decision about something, I'd start to act on it, then he'd say we only talked about it but didn't decide on anything. So we'd talk about it some more, make a decision, then.... You get the picture.

When I left him he told me he'd only been going along with everything to keep me quiet, and he'd never wanted any of the things he'd told me he did!

I don't necessarily think you should just up sticks and move and tell him he can come if he wants. But nor do I think you should let him have his own way here just because he's gone back on something you both agreed to. Especially since he's got form.

However, like some PPs have said - if you do move, do it before your children start any schooling. Also, since he does have form, I'd have a good think about that, too, in general terms.

@DramaDromedary

You are bringing in some issues that aren’t related to the Op. There isn’t a question of marriage or commitment here that her H has changed his mind on.
And of course people often go along with some fantasies of their partners that they don’t think are ever happening, but arguing over it in some general sense in the present feels unnecessary.
Like for example - when my H starts talking about retiring in some remote place, and how nice it would be. It’s years away - and at this point I’d not want to do that - but I also don’t know how I’ll feel when I am that age, or if he will still want to go. So - why would I pick an argument now when it’s not relevant. 🤷🏻‍♀️
So it is possible that OP’s H did the same, or just never thought of those conversations as anything other than fantasy.
And now that the OP mentioned she is having mental health issues - I think she should rather focus on that and not try to solve them by creating an upheaval in her family.
If all she is looking for is more support with the children - there are other ways to get that too.

The flip flopping is part of his pathology! Does it with him mum too but of course no idea he'd do that with such a big decision. More than anything I want to talk to him probably with couples counsellor (we've seen them a few times already) and try sift through our idea for future without it getting too het up etc.

The lack of support network and unhappiness is what's causing the mh issue. I should add we live in a small flat with a chronic skunk smoker below us and a violent neighbour in block opposite. Not violent to me but screams often and uses c* words and all other ones regardless if kids are out or not. He's just an angry man. Londons expensive so can't move out as such and I want better for my kids. Of course this can happen anywhere but we'd have more resources and better support living by both our families and we could atleast afford to live somewhere familiar and more pleasant my partner agrees this is awful too but it's where to go next that is the issue

@MMmomDD the marriage thing was an EXAMPLE, not me saying that’s what the OP’s DH is specifically doing. It’s an example of other times in a partnership when one partner just nods and agrees to something, when they know their conditions will never be met, and they have no intention of ever doing it. It’s an appalling thing to do, and it means the relationship is being conducted on false grounds. I argue this situation is analogous.

Like for example - when my H starts talking about retiring in some remote place, and how nice it would be. It’s years away - and at this point I’d not want to do that - but I also don’t know how I’ll feel when I am that age, or if he will still want to go. So - why would I pick an argument now when it’s not relevant.

But surely you also wouldn’t say “yes! I’d love to do that!” and then, when he retired, say “that’s ridiculous!”? You’d say, I hope, “it sounds nice, but I’m definitely not keen to do it now. Let’s keep it in mind, and we can discuss it nearer the time.” Anything else would be misleading and dishonest.

Exactly, it takes your breath away! I felt pretty cheated but now I just want to see how we can move forwards, together x

OP - I think the bigger issue here is the flip flopping in general. You've now discovered that it can be about any kind of issue, big or small. You need to have a discussion with him, and probably with the counsellor, about the problems with trust this is throwing up. What else is he saying he wants to do but when it comes to it, doesn't?

OP,
The thing is a flip flopper can give you the run around for years and string you along.

Where you live does not sound great so I can well imagine the lure of home and a nicer future for your children.

Don't be derailed.

Flip flopping for instance when we were flat hunting and said we liked something to estate agent we'd agreed was totally unsuitable or that we could name our son one name then saying it was silly! He'd agreed to it in front of friends x

Those two examples sound like he’s a people-pleaser. He’ll say anything to make himself look agreeable. But he’s not bothered about being agreeable to you. Is there anything in that?

@DramaDromedary

I am not saying ‘yes, I’d love to...’ - I am jsut saying nothing.
I find it pointless to discuss far away future now when it changes nothing about the way we live or what we do today.
It’s also a fairly recent ‘fantasy’ of his and he likes to fantasise in general. Like he likes to imagine what he’d do if he won a lottery. And for me it’s not something I find interesting to think about.
I live in the now and the near future. Longer future is up for deciding when and if decisions become necessary.
People are different.

If somehow my H is with me because he thinks I promised to him to move to a remote spot upon retirement - I am sorry, it’s an unreasonable expectation. It may or may not happen depending on our joint circumstances and needs when we get there.
Nothing about false grounds for the relationship.

As to OP - there clearly is a range Of issues there. Not ideal location, general unhappiness, relationship issues. Maybe depression? Running away and changing location may or may not solve them.

MMmom Great! So nothing like the OP then, who had a location (NW, near their families) and a plan for how to get there (whoever found a job first would move with the kids). Nothing fantastical about that.

There are no winners here. I wouldn't want to move out of London as once you sell you can't afford to come back usually. The jobs here are much more plentiful and better paid plus moving back somewhere smaller isn't for everyone. When I retire, definitely but not before.

But you have children and no support network and he's probably not pulling his weight so it's even harder. Any help you get will have to be paid. And you've also not managed to find a friendship group here and so to you London has no advantages.

But if you move back then youlll be doing even more of the childcare and the likely outcome is that you will divorce. The fact you're even considering it says that you aren't that close - no way would I want a husband in London or even commuting with a pied a terre, it is usually a disaster! They build a whole different single life without you! They don't sit in every night drinking Horlicks.

But as a man with young children he plays golf? So he's hardly hands on helping out and putting family first now anyway. He's busy having fun with his mates who he doesn't want to leave.

So you have two choices. Join in find some mates of your own, get child care (he has to pay half) and start having fun too or leave and go to your family as a single mum.

If you choose to do the first you could find somewhere near the motorway for your family but out enough to be less expensive and to have some space, and probably slightly more friendly. Friendship groups change as children Go to/change schools too.

A condition of this is that he give up golf and spending massive chunks of time with the boys and does half the child care. And that you BOTH get to have a social life TOGETHER.

I wouldn't want children in a small flat above a violent skunk smoker either. That's definitely no place to bring up a child but even only out as zone 3 is pretty family friendly. I'm zone 2 and they are everywhere around here. London can be a good place for kids and parents.

As for the flip flopping men people do it all the time. Everything is s as good idea in the abstract but once reality hits....

One of you will be very unhappy unless you compromise (prob outer London) and then you will both be a bit unhappy. As a therapist once said to me compromise means nobody gets what they want 😁

I should add he isn't playing golf at all at present. Stopped that a while back and we can't afford any additional childcare or paid help. We live in a share to buy 2 bed flat in South London. I can and have made friends here but they either move or have very busy lives already with there own families. I don't have the developed friendships like I have back up north.

I can’t help wondering OP if you’re perhaps idealising the move north and seeing it as the answer to all your problems. You’ve lived away a long time and things change. You say you have established friendships but you’ve lived far from those people for years. Would you have the kind of day to day contact you’re imagining or is there a chance you’d move up there and find those people already have close circles of local friends, busy lives etc and things turn out quite differently? Also your family. It sounds like you’re expecting a lot of hands on help day to day. There is again a big risk of that not planning out like you imagine. I’m not trying to be unkind, it may be that everything would work like you expect but I also know how easy it is to have rose tinted glasses about a place when you’ve not lived there for a long time.

Ultimately if you’re not in a fundamentally happy and supportive marriage with your best friend, you’re not going to be happy anywhere. You need to address your issues at home before you spend too much time and energy dreaming about moving away. Your problems will only follow you.

Yes, I think we need to talk it through eith the counsellor. My ideal was always we'd bring up our kids where we are from and I thought he wanted that too. I'm not under the illusion we'd be the centre of all my friends families lives just that we are close enough to enjoy birthdays or get togethers easily without a huge planned trip. We could afford a nicer life altogether and that what id like for the kids x

If he's serious about moving jobs, he needs to get a move on as, in my experience, it's a lot harder to find something once you're over 50, as unfair as that is. I think you need to get the ball rolling.

Yes i thought that too combined with the kids starting school etc x

@Joelijane it sounds like you have a dream and you don't want to let go of it. Which is understandable. The pre set scenarios we have in our mind for how we want to be a family are not easy to forget.

But it's your dream not his and you can't force him to have the same dream. You think if you can make him do it he will be happy once he has and are hoping for ways to do that, ftom here, and from the counsellor.

But for a lot of people moving out of London feels like defeat and they don't want to end up where they come from. It might be that you don't last the distance with him.

I know, its going to be quite a raw process I think. Thank you for all your responses xxx