Been cheated on

[Rcfm]

So basically what the heading says, my partner of 7 years slept with someone last summer while he was away on holiday for a few days with his friends. I didn’t for one second think he was that kind of person or that he would ever do that to me I trusted him 100%. We have a house and child. I only found out about what he done in April.. then 6 days after finding out what he done to me I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant. Total mess. Sad thing is before I found out what he done we would have been happy about finding out we were pregnant but the whole cheating thing just put a dampener on it obviously and it wasn’t the happy exciting time I imagined before.
I decided to stay and work on things and he has been really trying to make me feel better etc I do feel like he’s regretted it but I’m just really struggling to get over it I think about it every single day and get sad about it every single day. Some days I feel ok but I mostly burst out crying whenever I think about it. I know it’s only been about 7/8 weeks since I got it out of him but I’m just scared il never feel better and be able to put it in the past.
Just hoping someone has been in a similar situation and could give me any advice as I just can’t deal with this anymore it’s so draining I wish I could just hibernate for a few months and skip to when I eventually do feel better 🙁

Was it a one off drunken thing or was it something else?

Sorry he did that OP💐

How did you find out? Did he deny it at first or did he come clean when you asked? Do you truly believe he will never do this again?

Honestly, I tend to believe that once’s a cheat always a cheat but that could be my bitter experience talking. You will never trust him to go on a ‘lads’ holiday again and rightfully. Will you be able to set realistic boundaries that he must stick to? If not he’ll assume he can walk all over you and get away with it again.

If you want to make this work, you have to get over it (easier said than done!)... Also please, please try not to stress too much, your pregnant and need to relax 🌺

It was a one off drunken night, then I just question other nights he’s been away out etc although he said it was the only time 😖

Well he is a cheat and he has hidden it for months. Not sure you can count on him not Being a liar too.

How did you find out and was it someone you know?

Do you want to stay in a relationship with him?

So I came across messages on his phone to one of his friends he was texting while he was there saying “8/10 girl all over me what do I do mate? I have lied to her about my name and where I’m from she lives close to us” and the friend replied “wait from a girl that doesn’t live as close, it will come mate” so ever since I had seen them I’ve asked and asked and he kept promising me that he didn’t do anything but I feel like I just deep down knew and it didn’t sit well with me so then it eventually just came out after asking for so long. So I feel that the constant lies about it hasn’t helped. Just felt like he went on that holiday and totally forgot about me for 4 days, just like I didn’t exist and it’s so heartbreaking.

Yes I’ve said that, I’ve told him I feel like I will eventually trust him again one day it will just take time but I would never trust him to go away on a holiday again. I do think he is genuinely sorry but I just don’t want to be stupid and maybe believe it and then this could happen all over again.
Going back to those messages to his friend, I felt slightly disrespected by his friend as well because I’ve known him the same amount of time I’ve known my partner considered him a close friend of ours, he would come to our house, dinners, come to our daughters birthdays and yet he was egging my partner on to cheat on me whereas I feel a friend should have said “what you playing at” or something along those lines if you get me? So I told my partner he had to message his friend and tell him I know about it etc and that he is distancing himself from him because I’m not comfortable with their friendship right now and he did message his friend and explain it all. It may seem abit harsh and maybe crazy🤣🤣 but I was just soo angry and upset with my partner obviously 100% but just couldn’t believe a ‘friend’ would tell you to do that as well.
I’m trying so hard to get over it and to make this work but I’m really struggling and know I need to chill abit with it all☹️

I was ready to say give him a chance it was drunken one time mistake. BUT The messages make it seem like he has gone away planning to cheat, it was premeditated. Also he sounds like he has no respect for women an 8/10. Wow what a catch. I think for your happiness you need to leave.

A similar thing happened to me- in my case it was drugs which were a problem for him anyway. I always worried something like that would happen because I saw how he got on nights out. And then it did. He told me a week after it happened, unfortunately that was also a week before a big life event for us which put me in a really difficult position and did influence my decision to stay. A bit like you, the cheating ruined the life event for me, but also for him. Like you I was shocked he had actually done it despite having had my concerns before. I asked for the details I wanted and then I fact checked them with the (random) woman he slept with, having found her on Facebook. She verified what he had said. Some people may disagree with this but I had to know if I could trust the details he'd told me or it would have eaten me up. He gave up drugs. He gave up the group of friends that he took drugs with. It has been bloody awful and I often wish I hadn't stayed, I totally empathise with how you're feeling right now. I'm sure some would scoff at this but I truly wouldn't have stayed had the circumstances been different. To me it mattered how premeditated it was and it mattered that he had told me without me prompting. It mattered that he recognised what had led him to cheat, the damage he had done and how he had to permanently change for himself as well us. If I were you I would ask him to leave for a couple of weeks. I never did this and I wish to god I had. I never gave myself time to think properly without him around and I tried to just force my way through it, it didn't work and ultimately it's delayed us getting onto a better footing. Being around him constantly will make you think of it constantly and will make you feel angry and upset. Have some space. Think about other things and take a break, think about what you want. You'll be ok- I do really feel for you, it's a horrible situation to face

Sorry that was long! I agree with @Andwoooshtheyweregone after your update. There does seem to be a level of planning and that would make me more concerned he had done it before.

Thanks so much for your reply. I do also feel it was premeditated which again fills me with anger, I only told my mum and my very best friend about it and the first thing my mum said was “he’s premeditated that”
It came as such a shock as like I said I never thought he would do that, I though he was one of the good ones out there. I was sitting at home looking forward to him coming home from his holiday while he’s away not caring about me clearly, felt like an absolute mug. I also feel that if you were so guilt ridden and hated yourself for it you would come clean and tell me about it rather than me forcing it out after months and months of pestering. It would eat you up inside, I know it would if I done it to him.
The whole of today I have just cried on and off and ranted to him while he’s at work about how I hate him for this wish he never done this to me etc and I know that won’t help but some days I’m just so sad and full of rage I can’t help it. Your advice has helped thanks a lot, I guess it just takes time if I am going to get over this there’s no easy way. Wish I could click my fingers and erase it from my mind!

You won't be able to erase it but once you get out of the anger/denial phase hopefully you'll start to accept it (if you want to- you don't have to and you can change your mind at any point). Watch out for him trying to shut you down and tell you it's finished with, and refusing to talk about it at some point in the future. It's up to you when you feel like you're done with talking about it and if he can't be patient and give you what you need then get rid. To him it might seem like 'so long ago' but you haven't known about it for a year like he has so he has to accept for you it's going to be fresh and raw for a good while. It's good you've talked to other people about it, it does make you feel a fool sometimes (it shouldn't, he's the fool) but it's really important to have an outlet and some other perspective.

Get rid of him.

He has said he knows it won’t disappear overnight etc and has been quite understanding I have to give him that and spoke to my mum and dad and said he’s sorry about what he’s done to their daughter and stuff. I just can’t help feeling like this though.. will he do it again, has he done it before and not told me, does he actually love me like he says he does. I’d love to believe that he wouldn’t do it again/hasn’t done it before/does love me so much but I’m just struggling.
Yeah my mum and best friend were very understanding, they were so annoyed and upset for me that they both cried when I was crying 😂 they both said they would love to tell me to just leave him but they both know it’s not as easy as that and they will be with me whatever I decide.
I know I can just text/phone my friend when I need her but it’s also nice to get some other advice from people on the outside.
I’m sorry you had to go through something similar as well, it’s truly awful I didn’t realise how much this would actually hurt and effect me.

Cheating is bad enough but it seem that he went on holiday planning to cheat.
That would be the end of the relationship for me as the trust has gone.
You deserve much better than this

Oh so sorry this happened to you. Sorry to say this, but no, he doesn't love you. You love him and you wouldn't dream about doing this premeditated (or not) to him.

How can you even trust that this wasn't his first time ? This lady could just be in a line of many.

I know i just couldn't ever trust him again and I wouldn't want to be the one in emotional pain for potentially years because of his actions. If you left it would be painful but the pain would fade quicker.

I hope you have visited the GP/STI clinic.

My heart breaks for you. So sorry you're going through this. It doesn't sound like he was drunk and it just happened. It sounds very much like he was on the prowl. You're not crazy for saying you're uncomfortable about his friendship with his mate. I would be too.
I discovered my boyfriend had cheated on me. It was early on in our relationship and it happened over 3 years ago, but I still throw it back in his face during rows. When he works away, I speak to him a few times a night so even if he wanted to cheat, I'd wreck it for him, and if he goes out with friends (it's rare) I get a call before he goes to bed (if he's out of town). I'll never 100 per cent trust him, and sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. When he's with me it absolutely is, but when he's on a night out, my mind wanders to the worst possible scenario. My boyfriend cheated because he could. When he was away, we didn't keep in touch an awful lot so the opportunity was there. I imagine you trusted your boyfriend too, you won't do again for a long time. It's not that easy to walk away though when you love someone. I got back with my boyfriend though I ended it for 4 months, as I read that if someone who cheats shows genuine remorse, hates seeing you in pain and blames himself and noone else they're less likely to do if again. I hope you make the decision that's right for you.

So sorry OP. I don't think he deserves a second chance.
The worst thing with cheating is you just don't know what to believe.
My thoughts are with you.

What are you going to do about your pregnancy? If you have a baby you will be tied to this toerag in some way for eighteen years.

Can I ask, where there big problems in your relationship before this happened? Things like - growing apart for years, lack of sex, intimacy and/or affection, arguments..?

I ask, not because this would excuse his behaviour, but if at least the relationship had been on really rocky ground then it would at least give some backstory to him planning to cheat.

If your relationship was fairly solid (or at least appeared to be) then I think it’s far more unforgivable - he literally has zero excuse if things were mostly fine. This would mean he is simply a cheating, lying cunt who doesn’t give a shit (until he’s caught).

Even with some sort of mitigating circs, it would still be incredibly hard to forgive and will means months (years probably) of you not being able to feel comfortable with him seeing friends, going out without you. That’s a waste of your life and energy.

I wouldn’t get back with him he seems like he deffo planned it

So, I have a different slant on this. I have been the horrible cheater on my lovely husband of 28 years. I regret it so much and would never let it happen again.

No. It’s over.

He went with the intention of shagging around. His mate knows and is complicit to the point of aiding him with advice.
“Wait for a girl who doesn’t live as close, it will come.”

Your husband didn’t make a mistake or slip up. He wasn’t led astray and he isn’t sorry. If you had not seen that text and caught him red handed, he’d have no regrets. He planned it, he went there hoping for it. Whether he actually got it or not doesn’t matter. He wants to cheat and sooner or later he will.
You know it...and for what it’s worth, I really am so sorry.
It’s over though.

@Lynda07, they already have a child and she is pregnant.
Already tied to him for the best part of two decades.

Hi op my ex done this when he was on holidays , I stayed with him it ate me up for so long . He continued to cheat for years I only found out when we finished due to
His friend telling me . I'm not saying your partner will ever cheat on you again but that message to me would of said it all . It sounds like he planned to cheat on you and that's why his friend said it will happen . Such a dilemma for you . I would be on edge with him . But I know people who have cheated only the once and have never done it again x

As far as I was aware our relationship was the best it’s been in years, probably felt like the strongest it has ever been. We went away on a mini break for 2 days in feb and has such an amazing time as well. When this all came out I also asked that, like was I the only one that felt like we were in a good place did he not feel the same and that’s why he done it ? Not that it would have been an excuse but you know. He said he also felt like we were in a strong place he just doesn’t know why he done it he has no explanation.. all he’s said is he made a bad choice and a mistake.
I feel like this is taking over my life and I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m trying not to talk to him about it all the time but sometimes I can’t help but blurt out how much I hate him for this. I really want to move on from it as I still love him but it’s so hard and I don’t know if il ever forgive him. I don’t want to spend my life saying he can’t go do this he can’t do that etc because I can’t trust him, that’s not good for me or him I don’t want to be that person as I’ve always been very relaxed and easy about what he does.