Been cheated on

[Rcfm]

So basically what the heading says, my partner of 7 years slept with someone last summer while he was away on holiday for a few days with his friends. I didn’t for one second think he was that kind of person or that he would ever do that to me I trusted him 100%. We have a house and child. I only found out about what he done in April.. then 6 days after finding out what he done to me I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant. Total mess. Sad thing is before I found out what he done we would have been happy about finding out we were pregnant but the whole cheating thing just put a dampener on it obviously and it wasn’t the happy exciting time I imagined before.
I decided to stay and work on things and he has been really trying to make me feel better etc I do feel like he’s regretted it but I’m just really struggling to get over it I think about it every single day and get sad about it every single day. Some days I feel ok but I mostly burst out crying whenever I think about it. I know it’s only been about 7/8 weeks since I got it out of him but I’m just scared il never feel better and be able to put it in the past.
Just hoping someone has been in a similar situation and could give me any advice as I just can’t deal with this anymore it’s so draining I wish I could just hibernate for a few months and skip to when I eventually do feel better 🙁

he lied to your face for month.

it was not an accident, it was planned and talked about before it happened with his friend.

he now also leant that he can get away with it when caught.

why would you stay with him?

I wouldn't stay after that either.

It is very obvious he's done it before.

@Rcfm

Thanks everyone for your messages. I can’t reply to each one individually there’s so many lol! The way I’m feeling right now I don’t think il be able to trust him ever again or if I do it would take a veryyy long time. I just feel like everything from august when it happened till a few month ago when I found out has been fake if you get me?? Like how can you hug and kiss the person you ‘love’ while knowing what you’ve done behind their back. Hope I can get over this but deep down I don’t think I will and I’m just kidding myself on.

Obviously you won't be able to trust him, you said yourself the relationship seemed stronger than ever at the time, he agreed. How could you ever trust a man who even cheats when things are going well? What would he do if things weren't going well? What about if the poor mite doesn't feel like he isn't get enough attention when the baby arrives?

Also the fact that he said he doesn't know why he does it shows he clearly doesn't give a shit. Has he done any soul searching or self reflection at all? It doesn't sound like it.

The truth is more than likely that he did it because he wanted to sleep with someone else, felt entitled to do so and didn't care about you or being faithful to you.
The least he should do is tell the truth and acknowledge that, that way an honest discussion can occur about how or why he thinks he'll be able to not do it again or you should trust him.

You deserve so much better than that fool!!

He is a pig. The exchange with his friend indicates this is what they do. Rate and shag women--His only hesitancy was being found out. He worried she lived close. Who knows what else he is hiding. His friend sucks and is not a friend of your relationship. He chooses to spend time with people who facilitate his cheating. You don't trust him because he is not trustworthy. I am so sorry.

This was planned. The text reply from his friend indicated this was their goal I.e no strings hook ups and this girl didn’t fit the criteria due to living too close.

Personally I would not be having another child with this man and I would leave. You’ve got one life. Don’t waste it playing this game until you finally realise that he doesn’t respect you.

He wasn’t drunk.

I wouldn’t stay. You know you won’t ‘get over it’ - you’d be stupid to really, he’s clearly in no way the person you thought he was. Yes he’s almost certainly done it before. You can see that from the tone of their messages. ‘Wait for one further away, it will come’ ? Jesus. Sounds pretty much as if going off to score has been what they do.

It’s a fucking horrible decision to have to make but I can see you finding out 3 years down the line that this was the tip of the iceberg. Or, just not being able to get over it and then really wishing you’d left and rebuilt your life from day one.

The messages are horrible...smacks of that horrible culture we've seen in recent sportsperson rape trials, scoring women out of 10 and setting out to sleep with them and earning points from their buddies!!!

God this is repulsive no wonder you're so angry and upset. I could forgive a drunken one night stand more easily than I could forgive those awful messages. Agree with just about everyone else this was planned and probably wasn't his first time. He is not the man you thought he was. I'm so sorry. He basically just wants to fuck other wornen. I'd walk away from him and his shitty mates. As other posters have pointed out it says a lot about him with the company he keeps.

"I don't think he's a good bet. He gave this woman a false name ffs. That's just cold."

I agree. Very cold and calculated.

“The manner in which his friend responded indicates this isn't his first rodeo. There's no hint of surprise about him hooking up with another woman.”

This. I’m sorry, OP, but what the messages tell you is that - in that moment - he didn’t give a toss about his commitment to you and he didn’t give a toss about the other woman. He felt he was entitled to get laid. He went on the pull with his mate and he’s probably done it before. He knows that he can’t give you an acceptable explanation - there isn’t one. And as others have said, if this is how he behaves when things are going well, what will he do when things are tough? When he feels he’s not getting enough attention? And he absolutely will lie about it - just as he did on this occasion (and given that there have probably been previous occasions, he has lied by omission in relation to those, too). If he can cheat, he can lie - the two go hand in hand.

Only you can decide whether or not you can work through this. But in your shoes, I would not be making it easy for him - I would be making him sweat. At the moment, you’re upset with him but he’s lost nothing as far as I can see. How would you feel about kicking him out for a bit - telling him that you need some serious space while you work out whether or not you and he still have a future? At least make him realise that he may have lost everything because he decided to let his dick rule his brain. And if he takes that as an opportunity to fool around more or walk away and not come back then you’ll know he was wrong for you anyway.

Also - you can take your time over this decision. You are perfectly entitled - 1 or 2 years from now - to say you’ve realised you can’t get over what he did and that he needs to be gone.

OP your story actually made me cry bc I am living it as well. I also asked and asked and pushed bc the text evidence just didn't add up. He lied to my face, making me feel like a crazy snoop. (It started when I saw an unfamiliar girls name pop up on his whatsapp...follow your suspicions ladies!)

When I read your story it's obvious to me it was premeditated and my first thought is omg poor thing you should leave! Of course, I haven't left and am trying to make it work (partly bc we were locked down a week or two after he finally admitted it ) funny how we can have more empathy and value for a a stranger than ourselves!

I hope you make the right decision for yourself but based on those texts, I would really wonder if this is the first time... maybe just the first time he's been caught.

I’m so sorry your going through similar, it’s awful, absolutely awful. Each day I wake up and it’s one of the first things I think of.
Yeah I was made out to be a mad crazy snoop etc I even remember at one point him even saying “you don’t trust me”.
What annoyed me was when he came home he bragged about how he had such a great time away it was amazing bla bla bla, why would you brag about your time away when you know what you have done? If that was me I’d feel so guilty and not really want to talk about my time away probably just brush over it and say yeah yeah it was good then end of conversation.
I’ve had quite a sad day today and had a conversation with him and I said so from august till when I found out you repeatedly told me you didn’t cheat on me and I took your word for it but that was obviously a big lie. So going forward have I just to take your word for it when you say you will never do it again etc but the last time I done that it was all lies!!!!
This sounds bad but I often wonder if I hadn’t found out I was pregnant would it be easier to walk away. I know I could do it on my own and have family and friends around me but do I maybe just feel vulnerable right now? Ahh I don’t know 😂
It’s so hard to walk away but I know I deserve better. I really need to make a decision because I can’t keep living like this and feeling so down all the time.
I really hope you feel better soon and you can work through things whatever happens.

OP you can never trust this sort of man. He will do it again, you deserve better.

8/10 girl all over me what do I do mate? I have lied to her about my name and where I’m from she lives close to us”

Here he wasn't wrestling with his conscious, he was only dilibrating not shagging this poor girl because she lived close by and there was more chance of getting caught.
the friend replied “wait from a girl that doesn’t live as close, it will come mate”

These guys were literally out on the prowl looking for woman. They aren't even together at this point as they are texting. They have separated and literally prowled around like ally cats. God knows how many woman they have chatted or tried to chat up at this point.
Rating woman and lying to deceive a woman in to sleeping with him is so disgusting I want to vomit and implies that they see woman as objects to use and not actual humans with taughts and feelings

This guys couldn't give a toss bout you or his kids and will absolutely do this again. I'm sorry girl but your going to be on your toes for the rest of your life with this bloke.

You cannot trust him, because he is untrustworthy.

He's a classic 'genuine fake naugahyde remorse' type too - all the signs point towards it I'm afraid. www.chumplady.com/2013/07/real-remorse-or-genuine-imitation-naugahyde-remorse/

He has no respect for you, or any woman. I guarantee you he will do this again, if he hasn't already. Have respect and love for yourself, and get away from him ASAP

He's sorry he was caught. Not sorry he cheated. Like you say yourself if it were you that cheated the guilt would eat you up. He fully intended for you to never ever find out. And he couldn't have given a rats arse. How can you even stomach to continue to have sex with someone who has betrayed you like that?

You deserve so much more

@Rcfm thanks much for your kind words it means a lot to me!

I really cannot understand the bragging about the vacation and carrying on with life with apparently no guilt (until caught!). And now he can't understand why you don't just trust him to be loyal going forward .

We actually made a huge move for his career (which involved me quitting my job and searching in a new area) in January, and he cheated when alone and setting up in the new town, while I was staying with my gran to help her with some health issues . Carried on all normal as I struggled to find a new position, allowing me to take over all the household work, not a drop of guilt, happy for me to serve him. Only once I found it all out (by being a horrible snoop) did he say he felt so bad blah blah. Really you felt bad when you lied to my face multiple times and basically called me crazy? wow must have been so hard for you....

I think my dh's biggest mistake was not having a pal like yours did to compare notes with! Too bad he chose a girl who got very attached and had his real name so she was sending messages from multiple platforms.

I'm basically done with the relationship but due to the corona lockdown and the economy going belly up (still haven't secured a new job ) I am now just trying to set myself up for the future. I will hopefully start a masters programme in Sept, which I'll let him pay for thank u very much .

I say take your time, you're pregnant, which is the most vulnerable you can be, do what's best for you. If that means going to live with your parents, do it! If that means working on the relationship, go for it! If that means staying with him a bit longer for the stability, yeah do that! use him! he didn't seem to think you were worth a second thought, so why worry about him.

Anyways, sorry if I'm highjacking your post, it just all hits so hard! I sincerely hope you can feel a bit better knowing you are not alone in this shit!