Been cheated on

[Rcfm]

So basically what the heading says, my partner of 7 years slept with someone last summer while he was away on holiday for a few days with his friends. I didn’t for one second think he was that kind of person or that he would ever do that to me I trusted him 100%. We have a house and child. I only found out about what he done in April.. then 6 days after finding out what he done to me I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant. Total mess. Sad thing is before I found out what he done we would have been happy about finding out we were pregnant but the whole cheating thing just put a dampener on it obviously and it wasn’t the happy exciting time I imagined before.
I decided to stay and work on things and he has been really trying to make me feel better etc I do feel like he’s regretted it but I’m just really struggling to get over it I think about it every single day and get sad about it every single day. Some days I feel ok but I mostly burst out crying whenever I think about it. I know it’s only been about 7/8 weeks since I got it out of him but I’m just scared il never feel better and be able to put it in the past.
Just hoping someone has been in a similar situation and could give me any advice as I just can’t deal with this anymore it’s so draining I wish I could just hibernate for a few months and skip to when I eventually do feel better 🙁

I think that's cowardly and lazy of him to be honest. As much as it might pain him to examine and think about his poor behaviour he HAS to explain it otherwise you will never truly understand why he did that and what sort of person he really is. And if you choose to stay, how will you know if he's done it again if you don't know what he's changed to prevent it happening again. He doesn't even know, or if he does he isn't being upfront with you. Don't let him get away with ducking out of giving you a proper explanation, he owes you that at least. Do you want to be with someone who just doesn't know why they've chosen to hurt you that much?

I couldnt get past this sorry. Maybe if a really drunken one off thing on holiday. But seeing your update, he was sober enough to type a coherent message and he isnt having a moral dilemma about it, the thing making him think twice isnt his partner its that the woman (who he also treated badly and lied to) lives close so he might get found out. I also think the fact his friend isn't surprised by this and he doesnt seem to be ashamed of his behaviour is quite telling about what kind of person he is. Can you imagine sending a jokey text about cheating to any of your friends? I know if I did I'd get a 'wtf' type response. It sounds like the kind of thing that's been discussed before.
I think people can get past cheating but have to find out why it happened, was it something in your relationship and if so can it be worked on. If its just because he is a bit of a shit who cheats because he can then it's not ever going to go away

Ahhh, this is so hard OP. I bet you wish you could just magic it all away.

For me in a similar situation I realised I had just lost faith in my then partner- it wasn't a decision I had made or a choice for me; it just wasn't in me any more.

So in that respect it was pretty straightforward for me - I knew things couldn't return to how they were.

I too would be devastated by the collusion with the friend, the planning, the lies. It's all of that more than the action of sleeping with someone that is so devastating.

when I eventually do feel better

Unfortunately you won't really. It will always be in the back of your mind between you. Always the elephant in the room. You'll never forget this and will likely bring it up or use it against him during various arguments or issues forever. It can't be undone and forgotten.

Dear OP, I am so sorry to read your post. I know only too well how you are feeling right now. My husband has had an affair which I first discovered in February, when I was about 3 months pregnant. Like you, he didn’t come clean - I had to get it out of him after being made to feel like I was going mad for 2 weeks. Anyway, reading your posts, you sound exactly how I felt. Absolutely floored. Thought we had the best marriage & relationship in the world. Never, ever, ever saw it coming. To cut a long story short, his affair has lasted my entire pregnancy. Every few days I discover something new, or that he’s seen her again. And I am telling you this now, hand on heart - I should have left when I first found out. Of course hindsight is a beautiful thing but I know now that he won’t change. And I also know, no matter what I tell myself, I will never, ever get over it or trust him again. I am now 35 weeks pregnant and have still not left. Still tell myself he will wake up and realise what he is doing - how ridiculous is that. Trust yourself - yes it will be awful initially, but these women are right. If these men truly loved us, they wouldn’t do what they have done. Would you be capable of even holding hands with another man? I know I couldn’t, because I know what my love really means. Anyway, always do what you think is right, but take my advice and know that the sooner you do it the better.

This wasn't a drunken act. It was planned...the messages are very clear.

The manner in which his friend responded indicates this isn't his first rodeo. There's no hint of surprise about him hooking up with another woman.

The trust would be well and truly gone for me and if I didn't immediately end the relationship...I'd have one foot out of the door and be planning for my future without him.

He’s not who you thought he was. This sounds so premeditated. There are very likely other times you don’t know about and he will likely do it again. No good will come from you staying with this guy.

It was absolutely pre-meditated!
Him and his mate obviously had plenty of chats about this in advance too and got all excited about it..ugh!!

Cheating is bad enough, but I always think the ones that don't even care about hiding it to their friends or brag about it are the worst kind of cheaters. It's just even more embarrassment (not that you have anything to be embarrassed about but many women feel that way) disrespect and it's like telling his mates that he doesn't really care you that much.

I was in this position. Sadly the cheating carried on.. leave him.. he will do it again.

He went looking for illicit sex and found it.

He made a mockery of you and your daughter while cozying up with Miss 8/10, conferring and plotting with his friend, and shagging the OW.

He returned home, exposed you and your unborn baby to STIs, and repeatedly lied through his teeth when rumbled.

This faithless man is a bad bet. His weak boundaries and sense of entitlement to lie and cheat still exist. In your shoes, I would have lost all trust and respect for him, and I would not expose my children to this poor relationship model.

Hate to be the bearer of bad news ladies but men go on lads holidays specifically so they can do this. They figure they won't get caught and what goes on tour stays on tour. The boys will never tell.

Of course everyone convinces themselves their husband is different but married men are worse than single ones. Believe me I've seen it first hand a thousand times.

Agree re the premeditation and it not being the first and only time. When he's away you really are gone ftom his mind - packed up in a little box he doesn't look in until he's back. He's giving you all the chat because he doesn't want you to leave - but he doesn't mean it. He's saying what you need to hear.

It's not even just about whether they love you or not. It's whether they have a moral compass - some don't. Usually the ones off on lads holidays, amongst other things. It's a risk free way to behave however they want. It's just who they are.

I don't think he's a good bet. He gave this woman a false name ffs. That's just cold.

“He said he also felt like we were in a strong place he just doesn’t know why he done it he has no explanation.. all he’s said is he made a bad choice and a mistake.”

He did it because he wants to have sex with women other than you. That’s the uncomfortable yet simple explanation. It wasn’t a ‘mistake’ - he didn’t trip over and accidentally land with his dick in someone else’s vagina, it was premeditated and sought out deliberately.
It was certainly a ‘bad choice’ but one he will undoubtedly and knowingly make again. It’s actually the preferred choice for him...it’s just the getting caught part that’s bad. Be fine without all that unpleasantness.

“I don’t want to spend my life saying he can’t go do this he can’t do that etc because I can’t trust him, that’s not good for me or him I don’t want to be that person as I’ve always been very relaxed and easy about what he does.”

Well lovely, you will...and not because you’re ‘that person’ but because he’s a cheat.

Oh and sorry to be so blunt. I feel dreadful for you...but don’t let him fob you off with nonsense about “I don’t know why”.
HE has done this...it’s not down to you to fix or find a way of living with.

He also describes potential shags by a number rating. This one was an 8 for goodness sake. What’s a man expected to do? That’s almost a 9!

It definitely sounds like it was planned. His friend only objected because she lives close to you not because he shouldn't cheat. I would end it if I were you, how can you ever trust him now?

Has he went on holiday with this friend before? He's very unlucky that you caught him the only time he cheated. It sounds like a boys on tour attitude.

They even have tactics - don't shag anyone who lives close to home.

Thanks everyone for your messages. I can’t reply to each one individually there’s so many lol! The way I’m feeling right now I don’t think il be able to trust him ever again or if I do it would take a veryyy long time. I just feel like everything from august when it happened till a few month ago when I found out has been fake if you get me?? Like how can you hug and kiss the person you ‘love’ while knowing what you’ve done behind their back. Hope I can get over this but deep down I don’t think I will and I’m just kidding myself on.

Hope I can get over this but deep down I don’t think I will and I’m just kidding myself on.
Then dont waste your time on him. Rip off the plaster.

He had to ask his mate weather he should have sex with another woman or not??? Can he not decide no for himself? Like you say how many other times have there been that you just haven't found out about? You wouldn't know about this one if it weren't for finding those messages, he would have kept it hidden till the bitter end. I would end the relationship if I were you

It'll be better for your mental health to leave than to twist yourself up trying to "get over it".

He went intending to cheat, and he followed through, and I doubt it's the only time.

He's shat on everything you had together.

He had to ask his mate weather he should have sex with another woman or not???

I understood that as he asked his mate if he should have sex with THIS woman, because she was Only an 8/10. So he was always going to be cheating.

Does he think he's a 10/10 or something? Look in the mirror and see a young Brad Pitt? Pah.

This isn't salvageable. You didn't agree on an open relationship. Sorry you're in turmoil

P. S I would be visiting the gum clinic if I were you OP

8/10 girl all over me what do I do mate? I have lied to her about my name and where I’m from she lives close to us”

The arrogant, thick, lying dicksplash! Get shot, OP. Men like that make me feel sick.