What should I do?

[Supermum11]

Ok yesterday my dh throttled me it didn't hurt or leave any marks but it upset me a little but what was worse is that my DC saw him doing it to me who is only 2 I really don't like her seeing that I don't know how it could affect her we also argue a lot which includes a lot of shouting and swearing in front of her and I worry about doing that my husband is the one who does most of the shouting and swearing!!! It's also not the first time my DH has hit me in front of her and I'm worried in case it affects her mentality or incase she thinks it's ok to be treated like that or worse incase she takes influence and starts hitting people I don't know what to do as I don't want to leave him even though I don't think he loves me anymore but he is a really good dad most of the time and I don't think I could cope without him 😢💔

He is not a really good dad. He violently assaulted you in front of his child.

Strangulation can cause internal injuries without leaving bruises.

When he murders you - because that is how this ends of you stay - who is going to look after your child?

Please contact Women's Aid at least.

He’s not a good dad. Good dads don’t throttle their children’s mother in front of them.

You leave, that’s what you have to do. He’s hit you. Now he’s progressed to throttling you. It’s getting worse and if you don’t leave he could kill you. It’s a harsh reality but it’s true. You need to leave for your sake and your child’s sake. Imagine how quick you’d be out of there if he hit your daughter. Give yourself the same respect.

He is not a good dad. He is dangerous. You need to leave with your DD ASAP.

Contact the police OP.
This is attempted murder and you have to report it.
If you don't, the next time it could be both you and your child he goes for.

Op, he’s attacking you in front of your child. Why do you wish to stay with him? Strangulation is the most common pre curser for men who go onto murder their partners, can you at least call women’s aid for help and advice?

If you can’t leave for you, leave for your daughter, she cannot be brought up in a home watching her mother being being beaten

The example he sets is more then likely what your daughter will expect from her partners when she is older... I hate to say it but she might even seek it out. Would he consider getting help for his anger issues? if not then for you and your daughter you need to walk away.

OP, him strangling you is very dangerous - he could easily kill you without it being his actual intention. He could leave your dc motherless.

You need to split up with him, get safe from him. You're right that growing up seeing violence against her mother is incredibly damaging for your child, and it's setting her up to accept it in her adulthood - would you want the same for her?

You can report him to the police.
Women's Aid will help you.

I understand what you are saying but he is a very good father to our daughter and she loves him a lot and he loves her it's my fault he attacked me I pushed him to doing it I think I drive him crazy as I'm always moaning at him about things so he just snapped it's very unlike him to hit but he has done it before I know he would never hurt our dd though he loves her a lot and would never ever hurt her!!

I don't want to leave him i love him I just wish he wouldn't hit me (which is very rare but it does happen) and argue in front of our dd as I worry about how it will affect her in the long run!! 😔

My ex started with hitting me, moved to throttling me, and eventually held a pillow over my face in an attempt to kill me. If my friend hadn't come round at that exact time I'd be dead (Spidey sense or what).

It won't get better, it will only get worse. Before he escalates and potentially the worst happens, think of your kid and leave.

He’s a fucking appalling dad and he’s a genuine danger to your life. You need him out, OP, now. He could kill you, you know that don’t you?
If you won’t do it for you, do it for your daughter. She will see this as normal, she will accept being beaten by partners in her life, she won’t think she’s worth any more because you showed her you didn’t think you were worth any more.
That or she’ll grow up without either parent, one dead and one in prison.
This sounds drastic but this is serious OP.

OP, you seem to only care about the effect on your child. What about the effect on you? You matter too! You have been the victim of violent abuse.
Statistics show that throttling by a partner is a major red flag for risk of murder. The next time you are attacked could well be fatal.
Please contact the police - they will have a dedicated domestic violence unit to help you - and also Women’s Aid, who can give you legal advice and provide a safe refuge for you and your child.
Sending you a hug, and my prayers that you find the strength to make those phone calls and safeguard your child and yourself.

it's my fault he attacked me

No. No no no no no NO.

It is absolutely, 100% not your fault that he CHOSE to put his hands round your neck in a dangerous and potentially fatal way.

A good dad wouldnt put his daughter through this let alone treat her mother in this way. Saying you are to blame is how abusers get away with it and that is a red flag

He's not a good dad because he's assaulting you in front of her. He's exposing her to violence. He's making her unsafe. He's spiking her stress hormones and rewiring her brain.

And he could kill you. Two women a week die due to domestic violence.

Also! You can never know he wouldn’t hurt her. My dad used to treat my mum like this, and never hurt us until we were a bit older, maybe 6/7+? And boy did he hurt us. He kicked my brother in the face and knocked him out when he was 11, he pushed my sister down the stairs when she was 9, he spat in my face repeatedly while pinning me to the wall by my throat when I was 13.
And yes, I did go on to get into a relationship with a violent man. I got myself out, you can do the same. Protect yourself and protect your baby.

Throttling is a red flag, it’s serious abuse. When there is domestic abuse/violence it’s not as easy to just leave the perpetrator. Often a perpetrator will escalate the abuse, as they have lost control. Victims need to reach out to Women’s Aid, report abuse to the Police, tell sympathetic family and friends, but often abusers often isolate their victims from family and friends.
A good dad doesn’t abuse the mother of his child, your child is going to be seriously affected by what she’s witnessing and it will have a detrimental impact on her wellbeing.
I hope you find the courage to reach out for help, for you and your child

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT HE HITS AND STRANGLES YOU. HE CHOOSES TO DO THAT.

HE IS NOT A GOOD DAD. Good dads do not hit and strangle the mother of their child.

He IS harming your child. He is forcing her to watch her mother being hit and strangled.

It’s never, ever your fault. It’s him. He’s a vile inadequate excuse of a man, and that’s all on him.

Also, he has pulled the typical abuser’s trick of blaming you for his violence- he’s made you believe it’s all your fault for nagging or winding him up. This is utter crap. He doesn’t strangle his work colleagues if they annoy him, he saves it for you. None of it is your fault, and he knows exactly what he is doing.
And stop saying he’s a good dad. He is a violent abusive bastard who strangled his child’s mother. He is not even a good human, let alone father. It’s what all abused wives say when they can’t find a single redeeming feature in their vile partners.
You do not love your attacker. You love the man you wish he was.That man does not exist, except in your imagination. Please, OP, see the reality and get you and your child out of there.

Op it’s not your fault he hit you, does he tell you it is?

I can be a nightmare, but my husband would never raise a hand to me, it’s your husbands fault. Every single time. It is never your fault he hits you.

Is he abusing you in other ways? Emotionally?

OP well done for thinking about how it will affect your little girl in the long run. Maybe talk in confidence to your health visitor or your GP or nursery if she goes to one, ask their advice?

Or ring Women's Aid or use their chat facility, they will be happy to talk you through what might be the effects on her.

You also need to remember that she needs a mummy who is
• not spending a lot of energy on ensuring she doesn't trigger another upsetting attack from daddy
• not experiencing mental health problems because of physical attacks and not feeling safe in her own home
• not hospitalised as a consequence of the next attack
• alive.

I'm sorry, but you need to seek support from someone, if not a professional then start by telling a close friend or family member what's happening. Does anyone else have any idea, do you think?

You're worth much more than this bullying and violent treatment OP.

"I'm worried in case it affects her mentality or incase she thinks it's ok to be treated like that"

BUT if you stay with him you are saying by example that it is ok to be treated like that.

"or worse incase she takes influence and starts hitting people"

BUT by staying with him you are saying it is ok to hit people and she will either do it to others or she will end up in a relationship where she thinks this is acceptable and ok.

"he is a really good dad most of the time and I don't think I could cope without him"

Good parents do not assault and batter their partners in front of their children. You can cope without him, it will be different and it might be difficult but you can cope. You must leave.

Your DD is being abused OP, she is witnessing violent behaviour, she is being damaged.

Your child witnessing the abuse is abuse.
Your husband will escalate the violence

So what if you love him? Grow a pair or send your daughter to live elsewhere if you wont leave.

Regardless of what you feel you may want to do about your relationship, please, please try and talk to your GP. Seeing them would be ideal and I know it’s not easy given the situation with covid19 but at least try because this needs to be recorded. I was throttled, it left no exterior marks or bruises but my throat was very sore ..almost as if I’d swallowed something hot and burned it, or had a dry cough and been violently coughing for hours...that kind of sore. I didn’t know at the time but throttling often doesn’t cause exterior marks and the sore feeling is internal bruising. You may feel you don’t want to end your relationship now but please trust me, your future self needs to be looked after and she will thank you for getting the injury recorded.