What should I do?

[Supermum11]

Ok yesterday my dh throttled me it didn't hurt or leave any marks but it upset me a little but what was worse is that my DC saw him doing it to me who is only 2 I really don't like her seeing that I don't know how it could affect her we also argue a lot which includes a lot of shouting and swearing in front of her and I worry about doing that my husband is the one who does most of the shouting and swearing!!! It's also not the first time my DH has hit me in front of her and I'm worried in case it affects her mentality or incase she thinks it's ok to be treated like that or worse incase she takes influence and starts hitting people I don't know what to do as I don't want to leave him even though I don't think he loves me anymore but he is a really good dad most of the time and I don't think I could cope without him 😢💔

Not only is it bad if your daughter sees this stuff, your life, health and well being is important too.

it's my fault he attacked me I pushed him to doing it

Absolutely not, it was his choice.

Having another child with this abuser would be the biggest mistake you could ever make.

Leave.
Immediately.
Take your child before her "great dad" kills you.

@Supermum11 do you have someone you can talk to in real life?

I don't think he will he's very sorry

Was he not very sorry the last time, or the time before that? What about the time before that? Was he not sorry every time he hit you?

When did it start op? Was he doing it before you had your daughter? I’m guessing so? Because he doesn’t care she’s watching.

You husband nearly throttled you in front of your DD , and it’s not the first time he’s hit you in front of her, yet he’s a great Dad .
He could have killed you , maybe next time he will . Yet you want to stay because you love each other ?????
On top of that you want to have another child with this sick cunt , who thinks it’s ok to violently assault the mother of his child in front of her .
If you want to stay that’s up to you , you are an adult it is your perrogative ( sorry for spelling) to stay in a violent relationship if you so wish , but you don’t have the right to destroy your child’s life by making her witness these assaults ,You do realise that if she continues to witness this abuse she will grow up to accept this as normal , and will very likely end up in a relationship that is exactly the same as the one you are in now , being beaten and nearly strangled regularly
I’m assuming you love your DC and don’t want her to repeat this cycle .
Leave , however hard that might seem . However hard it is , it’ll be like a fucking 5 star holiday compared to your life now

I read your first two posts only and was moved to tears. Your situation is not uncommon - although I've not experienced this myself there are tonnes of women who have and who really do know what they're talking about. You are not alone. We believe you, we recognise the danger, and I think that within yourself you know that you MUST get out because when confronted with that terrifying prospect you immediately state all the classic reasons/excuses for his behaviour.
"He's a really good dad"
"He would never hurt our DD"
"It's not all his fault; I drive him crazy"

NO. NO. NO! He is dangerous.

I'm sure you are terrified. Now is the time for bravery. Please listen to the practical advice on here. You can do it.

Trauma can cause an attempt to normalise things and even make jokes / make light of serious assaults it’s a form of self-protection as is focusing on matters that to the outside world seem crazy eg desire for another baby. OP, throttling is an attempt to restrict the airway, it’s a desire to kill even If he did not follow it through on this occasion...it’s an action full of extreme hate.

If your daughter came to you and said “my boyfriend throttled me, he shouts and swear at me. He’s hit me before but I love him” what would you say? What would your advice be? You know what you would say. You would tell her all the things that previous posters have advised you to do. Get some help. Get away. For your sake and for your daughters sake.

Imagine what it's like for your daughter: she saw the centre of her world, the person she goes to if she feels scared, being harmed and looking scared herself.

Imagine how that feels to a 2 year old.

Please don't feel ashamed or scared to tell someone @Supermum11, any right-thinking person will have enormous sympathy and just want to help.

Strangulation is what those who do dv risk assessments look out for. The reason is it’s a difference of seconds/tiny pressure between life and death and hard to control if someone passes out or dies. Someone can show no injury signs and die weeks later due to being totally unaware of internal injuries that occured.

If you read up on it op, this is how it’s viewed by the authorities.

Because such a thin line exists between unconsciousness and death, strangulation sits just before homicide on the continuum of domestic violence risk assessment

It is considered the most serious red flag of all and is done my many men who kill their partners. It carries a life sentence in the uk even if you don’t kill your victim.

The stats say you’re ten times more likely to be murdered by your partner if he attempts to throttle you than if he doesn’t.

Below is a good article from the national domestic violence hotline.

www.thehotline.org/2016/03/15/the-dangers-of-strangulation/

Please read and reread the post @bluntness100 has just written. You need to do something about this. The idea of having another baby may, in your mind and possibly his, help the situation but all it will do is further tie you to this man, make you more vulnerable during and after pregnancy and less likely to leave. I’m wondering if it is your idea or his?

Do not delay. Call the police and report him now.

Op don't be ridiculous.
My only child is perfectly happy and secure as an only.
Leave now.
I'm telling you now, when your girl starts to understand the abuse she will be traumatised in ways you won't even know of.
Things that will stay in her memory and hurt/confuse and damage her.

Leave and make a safe happy home and don't be selfish.
You want the best for her, a sibling and a beaten, belittled frightened mother is not what she deserves.

Jeez.

If you told the Police what he had done, they would tell you that you are at high risk of being murdered. You won't believe them because I didn't. Google it., You still won't believe it.

Your daughter has ALREADY been affected so all you can do is damage limitation.

If nothing else, join the Survivors of Sociopaths facebook group so you can understand the dynamic going on here.

No-one would stay with an abuser who was abusive all the time. Until they are so trauma bonded that they will.

You don't love him otherwise your love and care for your daughter would trump any desire to stay with an abuser. You would be able to love him without ever seeing him again. You are trauma bonded and that is FAR more intense than love. Again - you can learn all about it on the group.

I don't want my dd to grow up as an only child without any siblings and that's what will happen if I leave

There are other men you could have children with in good time.

You acknowledge the harm it does your child to see this, yet you want to continue the situation and bring another child into it? As her mum, you're supposed to put your child's interests first, and a sibling is not more important than a non-violent homelife. You've got to stop pretending this is for her sake, it's not.

Your daughter would rather grow up without siblings than without her mum because her dad killed her. You need to leave. He is not a great dad, he is subjecting her to trauma already, just not physically.

My mum thought my dad would never hit his kids until we stopped being biddable little children and he couldn't stand that. Your daughter is being abused by witnessing it, trust me, I was her.

Him strangling you dramatically increases the risk of him killing you, even by accident and then what will happen to your daughter? He is not a good father and your daughter probably seems like she adores him as a defense mechanism, I did the same. You learn to play along, to detect and try to diffuse his moods.

My father tried to kill my brother, not something i talk about very often. It happened because he tried to protect my mum from him after he heard my dad hitting her. He was a kid and my father threw him over the staircase bannister.

Please take the steps to leave him. I ended up with an abuser so I know how hard and scary it is. You must not let him know you are thinking about it. Contact a woman's refuge, maybe get a second phone and hide it with a friend to do so.

Listen to @bluntness100 OP. If you are truly the strong woman you say you are, you need to channel all that strength into getting you and your daughter out of this.

I would have whopped him right back I can stand up for myself I'm a strong woman

Do you really think that you fighting back would make it alright? Would make it a healthy relationship? Mutual violence would just make it worse, and where would it stop? Men characteristically have more upper body strength, so if you escalate by fighting back, you're likely to come off far worse. And what sort of household would it be, to have people who supposedly love each other smashing the hell out of each other?

Being "a strong woman" doesn't lie with fighting back or enduring abuse, it's in doing the right thing for yourself and your dc - which is not living in a violent household. It's in loving someone, but knowing they're bad for you and leaving.

I'm not sure why you are here ? You've said you don't want to leave him .. you are probably going to have another child with him ... everyone has given you great and caring advice ... it's not going to be easy to leave. Life isn't easy ... so if you stay and put yourself and your child in harms way ... it's on you .

OP, it may be a shock to read all these responses. If you don't want to respond that's fine but please please listen to what these posters are saying.

This relationship isn't normal and your daughter is being subjected to abuse. In my opinion\experience, abusers don't improve. If anything they escalate their behaviour. Don't be naive to think he won't seriously harm/kill you. A lot of women have had the same belief and then been murdered. It takes just one time for him to lose his shit.

It's textbook abuser behaviour to make you feel it's your fault and you pushed him to it. No one should settle for being hit in a relationship, even if you believe the relationship is 'good' most of the time. My dad was fine 80% of the time and a violent abusive bully 20% of the time. That 20% has damaged me and I still have issues even into my 30s. I hated my mum at one point for staying with him.

Your DD deserves much more than living in a home where there's shouting, swearing and physical abuse. She will grow up fearful, anxious and maybe angry herself. You run the risk of her confiding in someone at school and then social services will be involved. If SS believe you can't keep your DD there's a possibility she can be removed from your care. I'm not saying this to be mean, it's just the reality.

Please contact Women's Aid.