What should I do?

[Supermum11]

Ok yesterday my dh throttled me it didn't hurt or leave any marks but it upset me a little but what was worse is that my DC saw him doing it to me who is only 2 I really don't like her seeing that I don't know how it could affect her we also argue a lot which includes a lot of shouting and swearing in front of her and I worry about doing that my husband is the one who does most of the shouting and swearing!!! It's also not the first time my DH has hit me in front of her and I'm worried in case it affects her mentality or incase she thinks it's ok to be treated like that or worse incase she takes influence and starts hitting people I don't know what to do as I don't want to leave him even though I don't think he loves me anymore but he is a really good dad most of the time and I don't think I could cope without him 😢💔

Your DD needs her mother alive and happy.

Call the police, call Women's Aid and get out. This kind of attack is the strongest predictor that you will become one of the 2-3 women a week who are killed by their partners.

I've been told by a therapist that very small children experience attacks against their primary care-giver as if they were the one being attacked. So whatever he does to you, will feel like he's doing it to her.

You know this isn't right. Now keep going.

If he's a good dad OP, how does he handle your daughter when she's being difficult or not doing what he wants at that moment?

I know how this seems and you are all right in what you are saying but he is usually loving and caring husband and father me and my child have a lot of good happy times with him it's very unusual for him to hit out at me I know this sounds crazy but it was my fault I drove him to do it he isn't a violent or aggressive person and we love each other a lot and I don't want to end our relationship just because he has a short temper sometimes very rarely he may hit out it is really unlike him to do such a thing I don't want to end it all with him I would like to have another child with him in the future I don't want my daughter to not have any siblings so we will work it out together maybe get some counselling I'm not scared of him he would never go as far as to kill me I can stand up for myself 💪🏽 and I know he's very sorry for what he did he has apologised and I forgive him as I know he didn't mean or want to do it he loves me and my dd and we love him no matter what he does although he does annoy me when he shouts and swears in front of my daughter!

You could cope without him you just don't want to. You need to put your daughter first. She's going to think this is how you treat people and will become extremely problematic and unbalanced. Leave. Don't wait. Leave.

In your post you say 'I don't know what to do..'
but you clearly do, you've made your mind up even as the love of your life wrapped his hands round your throat and shouted at you in front of your little girl. You weren't going to leave. You think this is fine and your fault. So what's the post for?
Honestly it annoys me so much that you don't leave him for your child. Fine, be weak, stay and take the blame but for the love of God be a good parent for your daughter.

We are thinking about having another child together and I know that sounds crazy but I don't want my dd to grow up as an only child without any siblings and that's what will happen if I leave and I want to have another child maybe I'll leave him once we've had another one if he hits me again but I don't think he will he's very sorry and feels really guilty and it wasn't even that bad I was just annoyed as my daughter was there is she wasn't I would have whopped him right back I can stand up for myself I'm a strong woman

Op, you’re anonymous on here, you don’t need to minimise and back track, it’s ok to say you don’t want to leave, because you’d rather stay and take it than start again alone.

But you need to be honest with yourself. You’re a Domestic abuse victim, and your child is growing up witnessing it. It is not your fault he hits you. You need to accept that. It’s who he is. He’s a domestic abuser. No matter what you do he will hit you again and you know your child will grow up witnessing it. She already is.

Hopefully one day you will find the strength to allocate the blame where it should be, to him, and to walk away until then there are many support groups available to you and there is this forum.

I have a friend who is a senior police officer and he talked to me about dv once. It was chilling. He told me they burn thousands of hours on these men, and the woman always says “but I love him, it was my fault, don’t press charges “.

It starts off lightly, irregularly and then it increases, he told me by the end the women are barely human any more. That it’s devastating to watch their decline over the years, as the hitting becomes beatings and becomes more regular. Until there is nothing left of the woman any more. She is “barely human” and that’s the ones who survive it. Thousands don’t. Every week women are killed by their partners.

I hope for your sake and for your child’s sake one day you cam find the strength to face this, but until then reach out to the support groups and try to stay safe. 💐

when your daughter grows up and her partner is throttling and beating her she will think it’s part of life because she’s seen her mother go through it.

Stay if you want but it’s not only your life that’s being ruined by this cowardly woman beater.

Ime one day dd will speak out. Ss will be involved. Protect your dc. Or a foster carer will.
Or imagine your dm /df identitying your body.
And your dd will got to foster carers..

Oh OP. Your thought process isn’t remotely normal or healthy. It doesn’t make you a ‘strong woman’ to hit him back. It doesn’t even ring true seeing as he’s hit you multiple times in the past, continues to do so and has now escalated to choking you. He could kill you, you saying he wouldn’t doesn’t make it so. Will you at least consider speaking to women’s aid?
If you honestly refuse to do what is right by you, at least do what’s right by your daughter. She’ll likely resent you as well as him when she grows up if you allow this abuse to continue. She’ll resent that you didn’t take her out of that situation and the fact that she’ll have to live with the psychological scars for the rest of her life. She is a scared little girl who cannot help or protect herself. By doing what he is doing to you, he’s abusing her too, it doesn’t matter what you say, that is a fact.
Please don’t subject another innocent child to this vile situation. That’s just cruel and selfish.

@Supermum11

Whatever you decide to do, you will need to accept that you’re NOT doing what is best for your daughter by staying with a man who hits and throttles her mother. Even if he is wonderful 99% of the time, what she will grow up to remember is a shouting, violent and abusive childhood.

By staying with this man you are teaching your daughter it’s okay for someone to hit you - IF - they are sorry after.

He is not s good father and if you dont get out you will not be a good mother.
Why is your desire to have another child more Important than looking after the one you have!!!
She is being traumatised by what she sees but is not old enough to tell you, if she ever will or do anything about it. You can. If you dont YOU will fuck up her life because she will learn to normalise it and will seek out s man who will do the same to her down the line.
FFS grow up and stop telling us how strong you are with your silly emojis. This is serious and you are the only one who can do anything about it.
Post something asking for constructive help to get out rather than he tried to kill me, ohhh don't worry he said sorry its all ok now 2 hours later.
No bloody sympathy from me.

Let me put this bluntly. You say you cannot manage without him, but you MUST. YOU are in danger of physical harm (or even of losing your life) and your child is in danger of witnessing things that no child should see.

Seek help and advice and leave right now.

he would never go as far as to kill me

Putting your hands around someone's throat is a well known method of killing someone.

As PP said, it's likely your DD will say this to someone - a teacher, another parent - and SS will become involved.

And having another child with a violent man? Seriously??

You know you need to leave him.

How will you feel when a bloke does this to your daughter when she's older, what would your advice be?

Without doubt he will do this to your DD in the future.

In my experience abusive men struggle when their authority is questioned by stroppy teenage girls.

He definitely will, at some point, grab your DD by the throat.

I have name changed to post this, I'm not in my mid 30's, my father killed my mother when I was 5. I vividly remember violence, shouting, arguments etc in the house, it was horrendous. I wish above everything my mother had left him. I was passed through the care system and eventually adopted. Is this what you want for your daughter?
Please find the strength to leave. For the sake of your precious little girl who is witness to this. It will ruin her life if you don't.

Sorry I'm in my mid 30's

Do not have another child with him.
Get out and protect yourself and your child.
He is not safe and he will not change.
If you insist on staying, call the police next time he puts a hand on you,

Did he every hit you or anything while you were pregnant with your DD, OP? Even if not, he may well do so with a second pregnancy.

So then he'd be potentially harming not just you, but your unborn child, not to mention the possible effects on your first child.

Your dd will see this as a normal relationship and likely to go into a similar one. Imagine her in your shoes. Do it for her if you can't do it for yourself.

@highlight29

I have name changed to post this, I'm not in my mid 30's, my father killed my mother when I was 5. I vividly remember violence, shouting, arguments etc in the house, it was horrendous. I wish above everything my mother had left him. I was passed through the care system and eventually adopted. Is this what you want for your daughter? Please find the strength to leave. For the sake of your precious little girl who is witness to this. It will ruin her life if you don't.

This is such a horrific tale, I'm so sorry this happened to you.

How will it affect her if next time he kills you?

You're living under direct threat of your life. Please take this as seriously as you need to and get away from him

It will be terrifying for a two year old to witness this sort of violence, she won’t understand it, but it will deeply effect And shape her.

She will either grow up and end up in the same situation, or sadly, she will despise Or pity you for taking it, for making her live there, and of course he will do it to her, in some way she will be abused by him.

She already is having to witness this, which is abuse in itself, if social services were aware of what this little girl was seeing they would remove her and not allow her back op until they were sure you could safe guard her and not have him in the house.

You know he will go too far one day, someone will hear it, or your daughter will tell, and ss will be involved, seldom does this sort of thing go hidden, it doesn’t just stop, it always escalates, as much as the people involved pretend no one knows what goes on in their home. They do.

And it’s the classic abusers line. After every assault, I’m sorry, you made me do it, I love you so much, with even tears, till the next time and they do it again, just that little bit worse, that little bit sooner, and then they cry and say sorry , they are so so sorry, they love you so so much, they won’t ever do it again, you made them do it, and then they do it again, even more the next time, even quicker than before.

Till you’re scared to argue, covering up the bruises with clothes and make up, lying to the hospital. I fell down the stairs, honest.

And then one day you look up to the slamming of the door, as your daughter walks out, for good.

@Supermum11

We are thinking about having another child together and I know that sounds crazy but I don't want my dd to grow up as an only child without any siblings and that's what will happen if I leave and I want to have another child maybe I'll leave him once we've had another one if he hits me again but I don't think he will he's very sorry and feels really guilty and it wasn't even that bad I was just annoyed as my daughter was there is she wasn't I would have whopped him right back I can stand up for myself I'm a strong woman

If you stay with him, there's a good chance your child will grow up with someone else, let alone without siblings.

I know you're scared and panicking but if you stay with him there is a very high chance of social services and police getting involved and potentially your child being taken away from you if you can't separate from him.

None of this is your fault but you must do something now.