His ex clinging on!

[Twink12345]

Hi,
My Oh’s ex still has major involvement with his family. His mum is more like her mum atm. She doesn’t bother with her own family that much. His mother isn’t interested in getting to know me, because I assume she feels a loyalty to the ex as they have a 4 year old child together. The ex went on a day out with his mother yest with the child, and facetimed my OH to show him his LO. She said I’m FaceTiming because your mother doesn’t have her phone Apparantly. She has a boyfriend of her own + I find it all a bit odd. Anyone been through similar??

She is spend time with her young child's grandmother. That is probably a fact of life you are going to have to get used to.

I think it’s good that they get along, so much better for the child.

His mum is in an awkward to position. She probably does feel loyal to his ex and wouldn’t want to risk losing that relationship with her grandchild.

Have you been together for long?

We have been together for a year, and I agree it’s better for everyone to get on. But I did find the FaceTime a bit much yesterday. He said before they split she never ever used to spend any time with his mother. I do feel like as time is passing she is doing it more and more so as to make sure I don’t get that involved.

This is something you are going to have to learn to live with.

If they were close when her and your Oh were together, there is no reason for them not to remain close.

How do you know about her relationship with the other members of her family?

How long have you been in a relationship with your Oh?

She probably didn’t need to spend time with her when they were together, but now she needs to facilitate the meetings more. They are co parenting and ensuring a family unit for the child.

I’d agree with the others, you will need to accept this or move on.

I wouldn’t have a problem with this but I can see why others would. I think if you can’t handle it, maybe this just isn’t the right situation or relationship for you at this moment in time. That doesn’t make you unreasonable or her either.

When there were together she probadly saw the grandmother all together, doesn't mean they didn't get on. I think saying clinging on is not helpful.

I think it is healthy that they have a good relationship. If you are having strong feelings then look at those, do you feel insecure?

The break up/your relationship is still relatively recent as 1 year is still early days. Focus on getting to know your bf, how he behaves towards his child's mum is a good indicator of his character.

Wait at least 2 years until you make any commitment. Enjoy dating as these are the best days.

His mother may not be interested in getting to know you as it has only been a year . She won't know if you are the first of many so is probably holding back. It is natural for her to spend time to see her Grandchild . When a child is as young as this then you are going to have YEARS of this so you need to learn how to ignore this .

I do feel like as time is passing she is doing it more and more so as to make sure I don’t get that involved involved with who ? Your partner ? The way you handle this will determine how things go .

I’d say if you couldn’t get use to the idea of her being around then I’d re think the relationship.

She probably is, to some degree, being purposely overbearing and trying to make you feel pushed out. Maybe she is worried you’ll start playing mummy to her little girl?

I agree with previous posters when they said it’s better for everyone if they get on as it’s the little girl who is the priority here.

I would feel uncomfortable with it but if it made me feel that uncomfortable and I really disliked the set up, then I would re think the relationship.

@namesnames he told me her family haven’t ever really been that involved with her or the child. We have been together a year.

@TheStuffedPenguin more involved with his mother.. yes the way I deal with it will determine everything I’m trying not to let it bother me.

As I said it's too early for mother to become too involved with you .

Can you understand what’s causing your feelings, is it jealousy and insecurity?

As a pp said, the term “clinging on” isn’t a pleasant one to use, she is the mother of his child and she wasn’t face timing him on her own, they were out with the child and calling daddy.

What has given you the impression the mother doesn’t wish to get to know you? Do you visit her with him? I’m assuming you don’t live together, or if you do, do you invite his mother round?

So the 4yo had a day out with his DM and DGM, and facetimed his dad to show they were having fun? That actually sounds lovely that his family appear to get on. How can you make this about you?

She isn't just his ex though - she's the mother of his child. His mum is that child's GM.

@Mama05 she is definitely trying to be overbearing, if he doesn’t answer her call sometimes she will call his mother and tell her almost like telling tales on him. She is really trying hard to remain as close with his family as she can. The LO whilst FaceTiming my OH always asks for me or am I there and can they say hello to me. Whilst his ex is in the background so I’m guessing that may be uncomfortable for her too. I guess I just assumed it would all calm down but seems to be getting more rather than less. His every phonecall with his mother she is talking about the ex. What I don’t like is his mother will slate her about her parenting to him but then be with her the next day.

They have a child, and your partner's mother has a good relationship with her grandchild's mother.

None of the above is a bad thing.

But....there's an awful lot of "he has said that..." coming from your posts.

Has he said because you ask?
Or because he brings it up?

Neither wrong in themselves, but if it's you asking, and you want this relationship to stay healthy, you need to stop pushing.

If it's him bringing her up, it depends if it's in a normal "mother of my child rang" kind of way, or mentionitis.

Honestly, OP, you're still a comparatively new girlfriend (and part of your year in the relationship has been spent in lockdown) whereas your DH's ex has presumably been in his mother's life for many years more than that and is the mother of her grandchild. Especially if you're his first relationship since he parted from the mother of his daughter, of course his mother will feel loyalty to his ex, and may be cautious (possibly sensibly, depending on his dating history) in getting to know you.

@Bluntness100 I say clinging on because that’s what term he uses, he says she’s clinging onto his family because her own family aren’t that involved.

I don’t think I’m jelous or insecure it’s more i am finding it all abit odd, as I haven’t been in a situation like this before and my Ex’s family whilst I get on with them I have the bare minimum contact for my son.

We don’t live together, if I am visiting him his mother will refrain from calling over because I am there and if she does call in she just ignores me.

@TheCanterburyWhales he finds it odd. So he will say can u believe said ex, is at my mams today. She tried to turn his family against him in the beginning by trying to score points. So I’m guessing whilst he thinks it’s good for the LO he isn’t happy with her amount of involvement.

my Ex’s family whilst I get on with them I have the bare minimum contact for my son.

And you don't think it's a good thing that your boyfriend's daughter and her mother still have close contact with the little girl's paternal family?

She is really trying hard to remain as close with his family as she can

Good for her, because it’s her child’s family.

But they sound an awful bunch, absolutely awful. His mother slagging her off, him saying she’s clinging on to his family when it’s his child’s family.

And for you to then repeat his phrase like it’s ok and acceptable makes you as bad,

She’s not clinging on, the child clearly doesn’t have a relationship with her side so she’s maintaining with his side, which is the right thing to do.

Christ the poor woman, I really feel sorry for her. Your partner sounds horrible.

If DD is asking about you, the ex clearly doesn’t have a problem with you.

DD is 4, she needs her mum around, ex will be involved for a while in your life. Embrace it and become friendly with her, you’re going to be involved in the life of your DP’s DD, you want the relationship with her mother to be at the very least civil.

Who cares if the your DP’s DM is going out with her own DGC, a breakdown of a relationship with DC does not mean all ties are automatically severed.

I can imagine still being in my IL’s lives if I broke up with DP, at least till our DC we’re old enough to make arrangements by themselves.

And I don’t see MIL on my own much, it’s different if it’s a matter of facilitating contact between DC & MIL.

@Bluntness100 please don’t feel sorry for her she cheated on him. And has since tried to make herself look innocent by trying to twist things. It’s a long story. Certainly not someone to feel sorry for though.

@frazzledasarock yes I understand that I do agree to most of what you say and the other posts but from my previous comment, she’s not someone I really want to be involved with. I will be civil for the LO but that’s it. She has caused my OH a lot of problems.

I had a feeling it might be a long story.
You and him spend a lot of time talking about her, don't you?
I have a sneaky feeling you'd be surprised at her take on their relationship.