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Original poster

His ex clinging on!

101 replies

Twink12345 · 17/06/2020 08:45

Hi,
My Oh’s ex still has major involvement with his family. His mum is more like her mum atm. She doesn’t bother with her own family that much. His mother isn’t interested in getting to know me, because I assume she feels a loyalty to the ex as they have a 4 year old child together. The ex went on a day out with his mother yest with the child, and facetimed my OH to show him his LO. She said I’m FaceTiming because your mother doesn’t have her phone Apparantly. She has a boyfriend of her own + I find it all a bit odd. Anyone been through similar??

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 17/06/2020 12:32

What a horribly gossipy way to approach coparenting. Regardless of the relationship and why it ended, they have a child together.

She is maintaining the child's relationship with the child's family - which is especially important if she isn't close to her own family.

If I had a boyfriend who slagged off his child's mother and said she was clinging on for doing that I would think he was twat with a very mean streak.

Because that means he would literally rather his child wasn't as close to his family.

And his mum slays her off too? Bet she would slag her off even more if she facilitated less contact time and didn't make the effort to maintain a bond with her.

She sounds like she's putting the child first, it's good someone is to be honest.

Jaxhog · 17/06/2020 12:47

He sounds like a piece of work to me. How often does he see/look after his DD? Perhaps his DM is her only support.

Yeahnahmum · 17/06/2020 12:55

She is not clinging on. She is just spending time with your partner and her child, and the childs grandma. Get used to it.
But do try to tell your partner that you would like to develop some sort of relationship with his mum. But his mum might feel stuck with her loyalty. Or even worse if she sees you as the reason her son and ex broke up...

FreeFromDinoMeat · 17/06/2020 13:10

Fairly certain if this were an ex husband who'd cheated and was now hanging out with the wife's mother regularly, the answers would be very different and no one would be feeling sorry for him.

But this is a woman, most importantly a first wife and mother, so you'll get no support here OP, she can't possibly be wrong and deserves everyone's sympathy all of the time even if she was a cheat.

FreeFromDinoMeat · 17/06/2020 13:12

And everyone would be telling the wife to speak to her mother about hanging around with the man who'd cheated on her and wrong that was.

If my mum was hanging around with my ex husband who cheated on me I'd be really pissed off. Kids or no kids. She can see her grandchild via her son surely.

I'm not saying it's necessarily wrong that they speak or see each other. But all of this 'feeljng sorry for her', 'its totally normal' stuff is just BS imo.

poisson428 · 17/06/2020 13:16

This reply has been deleted

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Menora · 17/06/2020 13:32

@FreeFromDinoMeat

She’s not going to see the DGC as much if the father is only having EOW contact. Logical that the parent with the most childcare responsibility has the child more, therefore the GP’s have more access to the child. You could ask why the OP and her DP were not out with the child yesterday and the grandparents?

The reason you don’t often see this reversed with men keeping contact with exes family is because in the majority they have low/little childcare responsibilities. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen, or that it’s wrong. I wouldn’t be telling a man that he couldn’t see his ex in-laws either! Why is it up to new partners how much contact is between 2 parents? It’s down to the parents

FreeFromDinoMeat · 17/06/2020 13:42

I'm not saying it's wrong. But I am saying I'd be hurt if my mother was hanging about with the man who cheated on me like it was no issue.

And I certainly do not think it's the norm like people on here would have you believe. I don't know anyone who's parents still see or speak to their children's ex spouses, certainly not regularly by any means, going on day trips etc. I don't think it happens as often as people make out on here.

And I don't understand why people feel sorry for the ex either. She cheated. No one would feel sorry for an ex husband in this scenario. He'd be a cheating scum bag who didn't deserve sympathy but obviously this one has a vagina so it's okay.

FreeFromDinoMeat · 17/06/2020 13:45

And yes I'd find it odd if my mum were hanging round with my cheating ex husband but refusing to have much to do with my new partner of a year. It's not been a month, a year is getting into serious relationship territory. It doesn't have to be either / or but I'd expect my parents to make some form of effort with a new partner and not have their loyalty lie with my cheating ex partner.

B9008 · 17/06/2020 13:48

Freefrom- agree. Total double standards.

Like I say, not worth the hassle. Walk away and do yourself a long term favour.

BitOfANameChange · 17/06/2020 14:00

@GrumpyHoonMain

Rubbish dads often find their mums have great relationships with their exes. Everything you have mentioned points to the break up being your DPs fault. Think about it. If the ex had cheated there would be no way his mum would prefer her over you.
Yes, I had a great relationship with my late MIL, while her son only bothered occasionally. Even when she'd been diagnosed with cancer, I'd be helping with shopping, hospital vists, etc, while he only visited once a fortnight. We lived a 5 min drive away.

He's currently busy telling everyone who will listen that I turned the DC against him. No, he did that himself with abusive behaviour towards them and me.

MulticolourMophead · 17/06/2020 14:03

@FreeFromDinoMeat We don't actually know if the ex cheated. For me, given the relationship between the ex and the MIL I wonder if that's actually true.

peekaboob · 17/06/2020 14:04

@Twink12345 it is but DP is addressing it with all of them. Everyone was happy with contact time until I got pregnant, then all of a sudden it was ramped up to the point where on both weekends that we have DPs son he is expected to be there for Sunday lunch and then the weekends in between she has them over. No time for me to spend with them. There's so much more but it would be far too outing. We literally have to push our child into GPS lives, they seem to think they can't love both children at once. A year is a serious relationship and ex will be feeling she'll be pushed out if you get close. I'd be asking to all go out together on these day trips. I even said to DP I was quite prepared to become an ex if it means our child gets some attention.

Phoenix21 · 17/06/2020 14:05

How often does he see child? Does he facilitate a relationship with MIL/Child in that time?

Maybe MIL spends time with ex so she can see child more?

FreeFromDinoMeat · 17/06/2020 14:05

[quote MulticolourMophead]**@FreeFromDinoMeat We don't actually know if the ex cheated. For me, given the relationship between the ex and the MIL I wonder if that's actually true.[/quote]
Well considering OP has told us that she did...

Like most Mumsnet threads, we can only go off the information provided to us. I'm assuming you don't go questioning the truth of all the other posters on here? Is it only when a woman is accused of cheating that you become suspicious?

Original poster
Twink12345 · 17/06/2020 14:21

@FreeFromDinoMeat absolutely spot on and these are my views this is why I wrote the post.

FYI whoever is asking she is a weekend mother my OH has the child 5days a week childcare split between him and his parents as he works full time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twink12345 · 17/06/2020 14:22

Also she is with the man she cheated with still. But they don’t live together.

OP posts:
user1471590586 · 17/06/2020 14:23

Freefrom- totally agree. Has everyone missed the bit where the ex cheated. And also what about the grandmother making no effort with the OP. Everyone jumping on the OP to accept that the ex will continue to be part of the family. But the OP isn't being allowed to be a part of the family if the grandmother avoids her.

Menora · 17/06/2020 15:15

Well yesterday was Tuesday and isn’t a weekend. The child’s mother was with the child and grandmother on a day trip out?

The child is FaceTiming with you on a weekend when with their DM, despite living with you all week?

Your OH and his parents work full time yet also care for a child almost full time?

I feel like this doesn’t really add up to be honest

Menora · 17/06/2020 15:17

It sounds like the grandparents care for this child the most by the sounds of things

Not either of the parents

Grandmother is choosing who to spend time with during the time she is caring for the DC. And she isn’t choosing you. DH is at work so she can’t choose him

Original poster
Twink12345 · 17/06/2020 15:40

@menora I used weekend mother as a term described by her having him two days a week. It’s basically a weekend arrangement midweek! My OH works full time so yes the grandparents have the child a lot of the time. When it is his ex’s turn to have the child she chooses to spend her days with his mother and the LO instead of just spending time with the LO. Not every week but most of the time in this lockdown. The LO will FaceTime my OH when he is with his mother, these are the days we spend together as, as you can imagine time spent together is limited as we do not live together. On these occasions the LO will ask for me or to speak to me because a lot of my time spent with Oh Is whilst he has his LO.

OP posts:
TitianaTitsling · 17/06/2020 15:44

Agree menora you've been with this guy for a year, 4 months of which has been in lockdown...(if you are in Uk). You're already living with the guy I presume since you are there when the DC is face timing? Sorry if this is rude, but a bit soon to be trying to have influence on the relationship with the ex, which sounds positive!

Menora · 17/06/2020 15:49

Ok look as much as you will enjoy people coming on and agreeing with you that she is a terrible parent/person... how will this help you? Do you want a solution to this or just to complain? You are actively choosing to go out with this man who has baggage. No one is forcing you to go out with him!

the grandparents have the child a lot of the time. When it is his ex’s turn to have the child she chooses to spend her days with his mother and the LO instead of just spending time with the LO.

You cannot change this
Nothing you can do or say will change this dynamic
The grandparents are making choices for the child
The mother is making choices that involve the child
It is not your place either to make this stop
You can have an opinion on it, but it’s not going to change anything
You can’t make her go away
You can’t make her stop doing things you don’t agree with
You can’t make his mum like you
You can’t make her a better parent

I do still believe you are the previous poster as the stories are almost identical 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
Twink12345 · 17/06/2020 15:58

@menora you are right I cannot change anything, I just find it frustrating. The other post is so similar I agree I read the comments. But there are differences, lots of them. I feel for that poster though as they’re situation is not nice. Mine is only a year I’m not sure how I will cope going forward. Especially if this continues.

OP posts:
Menora · 17/06/2020 16:38

You need to let go of all those assumptions and preconceptions you have of these women and analysis of their behaviour

At the end of the day, you really don’t know them which is why this is frustrating to read. You only know what your boyfriend tells you and he has a biased view of them.

This is like being at work and a colleague telling you all the bad things about someone you barely know, you form a bad opinion of them don’t you? And is that really fair? It’s not.