His ex clinging on!

[Twink12345]

Hi,
My Oh’s ex still has major involvement with his family. His mum is more like her mum atm. She doesn’t bother with her own family that much. His mother isn’t interested in getting to know me, because I assume she feels a loyalty to the ex as they have a 4 year old child together. The ex went on a day out with his mother yest with the child, and facetimed my OH to show him his LO. She said I’m FaceTiming because your mother doesn’t have her phone Apparantly. She has a boyfriend of her own + I find it all a bit odd. Anyone been through similar??

If you’re going to see it through, I’d just keep her at arms length. I wouldn’t go mentioning that your mil has been slagging her off or anything.

Either way, something has to give! Ex may get bored of it, or her partner might say he doesn’t fee comfortable with it or maybe mil will end up having a fall out for whatever reason?

Sorry YABU and sound mean and insecure. She has no family, and her ex-MIL and grandmother of her child wants to support her as a single mum, and you hate that. Nice one.

You sound like the classic new girlfriend sucking up everything that your boyfriend tells you about the ex and what she did/is doing and getting indignant about it. Further down the road you might see another side to the story. Better to just carry on seeing him and not get too drawn into the “she says this, she’s doing that” - otherwise it just makes things awkward. Just change the subject to something else after she’s called. Don’t give her space in your head. None of it is a problem really anyway.

As PP has said, I’d wonder if the exes take on things is somewhat different to your boyfriend’s. There’s an awful lot of him telling you what she was like and how she cheated and how she’s clinging on to his family. Perhaps it wasn’t all quite as one-sided as that, hence his family being more than happy to stay in close contact with her.

I’d take what your boyfriend says with a pinch of salt to be honest. I don’t think you’re getting the full story.

How terrible. Single mother turns to family of her child who she has known for years for support and company!

Did you not already post this and you didn’t like the answers you got that time either

I don't think this is a healthy family dynamic - not because of ex's involvement - but just the tone of the conversations and interactions you describe. This is a family dynamic of telling tales, spinning stories, favourites and cold shoulders... your boyfriend thinks this is normal and acceptable.
Not healthy open conversations and interactions. I would be pulling back - sounds like you would be entering a lifetime of game playing...

Rubbish dads often find their mums have great relationships with their exes. Everything you have mentioned points to the break up being your DPs fault. Think about it. If the ex had cheated there would be no way his mum would prefer her over you.

@grumpyhoonmain don't be ridiculous.

Op if you start a relationship with someone with children you have to understand that your DPs parents are those children's grandparents and they often fear that the childrens mother could stop them seeing her so work to keep them sweet. I think you need to get to know you're mil at your own pace and stop seeing the ex as a threat. Your dp is with you not her.

It doesn't have to her or you, there is room for both of you if you are both mature enough. I've been to family events that DPs ex has also attended.

ALL family are important. His ex is family. You don't stop having family ties when you gave a child together.

I've seen the devastating consequences 20 years on from the 'ex' not embracing the fathers family. It leaves that child with so little family ties, so little support in this world.

Please embrace all family, both your ex family for your child, and encourage your new partners family to be a part of his sons life. This includes welcoming his ex.

Talk about his mum, help him make things for his mum and his grandma. Help the young people in your life to form life long bonds with extended family.

Is this the same poster on this thread? Sounds a bit similar

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3924889-Finding-this-relationship-hard

Why would you post here? On Mumsnet, you should know that first wives/ mums are sainted royalty and new wives/ partners must never ever question her position or ability to do whatever she wants.

No one is sainted 😂

Grandmother choosing to spend her time with her grandchild and ex daughter in law - not really front page news is it? Ex wife being friendly with her child’s paternal family? Exes getting along and having contact for their very young child?

It isn’t easy to come into this set up - it’s not about fitting in but you don’t literally replace your new partners ex, life doesn’t work like that. OP can’t come in as a new GF and replace the ex - she’s going to be there and OP will have to get used to it.

I have an ex and 2 DC with him. He has a GF and another DC with her. We all get on fine. I get on fine with my ex MIL too. We are one large family

Oh give over are they.
There are certainly a disproportionate number of "psycho ex wives who cheated" though, I'll give you that.

It’s nice that she keeps in touch with her child’s extended family.

I don’t think it’s surprising that your boyfriend’s mum has more to do with the mother of her grandchild than her son’s recent girlfriend. If your relationship becomes more serious that will change.

@Menora it is the same! I commented on that thread before. Manchild - wants to just whinge and complain and let his mum do everything instead.

I think it’s the same and they all sounded pretty dreadful, it was a toxic mess!

@menora @ErickBroch I can confirm this wasn’t my post, extremely similar though, but more complex it seems. This is my first time posting.

I get what everyone is saying, I posted to see different perspectives. I 100% believe it’s better for the child if we all get along, I don’t have a big issue with his ex ( his problem with her not mine) but I do find it a bit overbearing at times especially yesterday hence this post today. Wondered if anyone else had similar and how they dealt with it.

They have a child together so contact will be forever. The fact she’s still close to your OH mother isn’t worrying to me. The mother is ensuring she spends enough time with her grandchild and of course the mother will be there. If my OH and I split now I’d still have regular contact with his mum (for both the kids and me) as we get on really well etc. It is definitely something you’re going to have to learn to live with or as other posters have said, move on. You are a relatively new girlfriend.. unfortunately the mother will side a lot more the ex as in her eyes they had more of a ‘relationship’ as they have a child etc.. I do get the feeling that you’re somewhat jealous of there relationship and feel as though your not being accepted in the way she was. You know what will stand out your OH and his family? Make an effort with the child, communicate with the mother of his child.. ask OH if you two could possibly take DD on a nice day out somewhere ( when everything’s back to normal obv). Xxx

@menora I eventually want us all to be one family, I don’t have a hate for the ex. I just don’t understand certain behaviours at times. I find it a bit overbearing.

Ok, well even if it’s not you most of the advice is the same

You cannot and should not try to interfere or control this situation all you will do is drive a wedge between his family and yourself. Sure that’s not what you want. You are a newcomer and this is what blended families are like. I really like my exes partner but she’s not the parent of my DC and she doesn’t get to tell me who I can and cannot spend time with, same as I can’t tell her what to do. It’s nothing to do with you what your partners mother wants to do or who she spends time with either!

If your ex has no respect for the mother of his child and slags her off, is this really a man you want to be with? Why are you analysing her own RS with her own parents? Surely it’s actually quite sad she might have a stronger bond with his family than her own? You also only have his side of story here, there is also her version. Why wouldn’t she take the relationship and support on offer? Just because you wouldn’t?

Stay out of it, enjoy your life without wasting energy stressing over something you have no influence over. It’s not your place. Let things develop naturally.

If you really cannot tolerate this then you will need to assess whether this RS is right for you at all.

It’s not over bearing to face time daddy when on a day out with mum and granny op. It’s normal behaviour.

And I do feel sorry for her, because what happened in their relationship is irrelevant, what is relevant is how they co parent and raise the child together.

You saying face timing is over bearing, him saying she’s clinging on, the mother slagging her off, it’s awful. There is a little kid in the midst of this, and it seems that is less than relevant to all of you. What’s relevant to you is him and her. And that’s wrong, what should be relevant is what’s best for this child

having positive close associations with your ex’s relatives after a spilt or infidelity / whatever is a good thing for the child, especially if they love and care for that child. Especially if other family members aren’t around.

You are acting like a child.
If you were to be a long term relationship with her father then how do you think this sort of petty jealousy and over analysis will affect the child? Not well I can assure you.

Chill out and grow up or be prepared to allow your behaviour to wreck your relationship, never mind possibly the life of an innocent little child.

Think - some good advice here from a man. Don’t get involved with a man with kids. It’s not worth the hassle. You will always have her in the background as the child is 4. It’s tough but do yourself a favour and walk away.

Haven't managed to read the whole thread but I really sympathise OP! For me I'm 6 years in and have a child with DP yet his ex and his mum are so concerned with the first child that our child, and me, actually don't get a look in. We have him over EOW where DP goes to lunch (me and our child isn't invited) and most of the school holidays where they look after him and yet my child is overlooked as they "need to spend time with him so he doesn't get left out". They even go over to hers in between weekends to take them out for lunch..... and invite DP! He doesn't go obviously. Then there's the constant Facebook posts and tagging of PIL and DP and also SIL. Don't get why she just doesn't piss all over them to mark her territory Wouldn't mind but first grandchild was a ONS and they were only together for a year after he was born. Does my head in so I feel for you.

@peekaboob That’s absolutely awful. I really feel for you it’s not a nice situation to be involved in.