Am I being gaslighted?

[Swlondon123]

I urgently require your help about a horrible situation which I am dealing with. I am 9 months pregnant with a baby and I have known my partner for about 10 months. I got pregnant very very quickly (we were both lonely in London, I was dreaming of a having a little family and also his father passing away around the time I got pregnant made us both both impulsive and slightly irrational in our decision making to keep the child.)

I am nearly ready to give birth but things are not going well for us at all. I am convinced my partner wishes to destroy me as I feel emotionally abused by his actions. He has got in touch with 7 organisations claiming he is being emotionally abused by me and that he is protecting himself and the unborn child against my behaviour. We have had arguments and I am an emotional person who is going through a pregnancy and I have had mood swings BUT he is also provocative in the way he speaks to me which often causes me to react as his language towards me in abhorrent at times (fat cunt, bitch, ape, pig...)

I don't know if this is a victim playing tactic on his part, but I have suggested the idea that if he is so unhappy then we can co-parent. He didn't like this suggestion and claims he loves me and wants to make it work but he needs to set boundaries in place in case things go wrong ( ie. post natal depression), so I am very confused. I do not know if he is playing games with me and if he needs a test for schizophrenia for paranoid delusions or he intends to control and dominate me through the means of getting in touch with external organisations.

I must admit that the past 9 months have been very difficult, I lost my job in south of England, had to find work quickly whilst having a visible bump and also the coronavirus situation has not helped at all. When I finally found a job I had to quit at the end of February and I moved away from the south to go to the north to stay with my mum for a few months until he organised the move from the south to another city in the North (where he is from originally.)

I had a great two months with my mother and about 1.5 months ago I moved to join him, and this is where all the problems have started.

I am convinced he is intending to destroy me, I don't know if wants to get rid of me and his goal is full parental custody of the child, or of his motivations against me. He is convinced I have BPD even though I have not been diagnosed, and he has pushed for me to get perinatal help, because if I do not then "we will not last." He says that I am not well and that the issues have arisen from me moving to the UK from from a different country when my mother married an English man when I was 6 years old which could have affected my behaviour and interpersonal relationships with people who are close to me.

I do not understand his goals and intentions but he tells me almost on a daily basis that I need mental help for my "BPD issues" (even though I have never been diagnosed.) I have sought help from my midwife for perinatal care but I am not sure if I really need help, I am basically doing it to appease him!

He says that if we co-parents or we split up that I the child will prefer to live with him as earns a lot more than me because he has a good career behind him and can afford nicer things in life than me.

I am very confused about my partner and why he feels he needs protection against me in place because I am not sure how he intends for me to hurt him. He often calls me a liar and a manipulator but then he also says that he loves me and wants to stay with me. I do not understand how it is possible to be in a relationship with someone who you don't trust as I believe that trust is one of the most important foundations in a relationship.

Please can you help me understand what is going on? Is he projecting his issues against me, is he really intent to destroy me by getting in touch with so many organisations? Is this all a game for him? Or does he actually want to save the relationship? I feel as if I am going crazy!

Thank you for your help and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

If this is real, please get away from him immediately. Do not register the child in his name.

Of course it is real! Why else would I write this on here if I was not desperate. What do you mean I need to get away from him immediately and why can't I register the child in his name?

Yes OP please do not put his name on that birth certificate.
It can always be added later if he proves himself not to be an unhinged narcissist.

Tread carefully, he sounds potentially dangerous. Have you spoken with your mum about this? Could you go there after the birth?

He will have parental respinsibility if named on the BC. Without that he has no claim on your child.

Move back to your mums before the baby is born
Don’t give baby his surname
Ideally never contact him again but that might be difficult when you have a shared child
You’re not crazy, but soon will be if you stay

Why are you still trying to be in a relationship with this disgusting man? He says awful things to you, tells you that you're mentally ill and threatens to take your baby away before its even born. What on EARTH are you thinking? He actually sounds deluded, and i would say that HE is the mentally-ill one, not you.

If you put his name on the birth certificate, you will be tied to him for 18 years, while your child grows up. Is this really what you want?

I cannot move now as I am 39 weeks pregnant and ready to pop! He is organising everything in place to remove me from the picture. He has organisations behind him and family. I have no family in this country as I am not from the country originally.

Move back to your mum's immediately.

If he is unhinged you need to be away before the baby comes.

If you are unhinged like he says then you need your mum to help you.

You feel bad in the relationship so you need space from it. Get out of there. Quietly. As secretly as possible get back to your mums.

Do not name him on the birth certificate. This will make it harder for him to create trouble.

I second everything that has already been said OP in regards to moving and BC. His behaviour is dangerous, you are a victim of emotional abuse but he's making you think you're the problem. Please protect yourself and your baby. It sounds like you have a supportive family around you, now is the time to rely on them :) sending lots of love and best wishes to you x

Ok, think strategically.
Give birth, safely god willing. Do not in any way rise to his provocations. When you feel well enough flee to your mum with the baby once he has gone back to work.

Why are you both 'accusing' each other of having mental health problems? This is really odd behaviour!

Whatever the truth of all that, it is clear that you are not happy together.

You said that you have a great 2 months with your mother.

You don't seem to have had a happy 2 days with your partner.

Which would be the better situation to bring your baby to? It looks simple to me. Go with that.

Why is he doing this to me? I don't understand anything anymore.

@HotSince82

Ok, think strategically. Give birth, safely god willing. Do not in any way rise to his provocations. When you feel well enough flee to your mum with the baby once he has gone back to work.

He works from home!

Speak to womens aid. Then you'll have one organisation behind you. It may also be wise to speak to the police as his behaviour is coersive control. And abuse.

Normal people dont call their partner horrible names like that.

You need to do whatever it takes to leave him.
Ideally before the baby is born. Even if it means going to a hostel.

But speak with womens aid and they will direct you.

I agree with pp, he is a malignant narcissist or similar.

Absolutely do not put his name on the birth certificate. He may call you a slut for this and whatever else, but who cares so long as it keeps your child safe.

Seriously, run.

OP he sounds very mentally unwell. Claiming to be a victim when you are the aggressor is common with abusers (one of the reason stats are skewed). You need help from a domestic abuse organisation and you need is now, today. Can you call 0808 2000 247 it's a 24/7 helpline so the phones are on all night.

Op there’s no point wasting time worrying about why he’s doing this. He is and you need to protect yourself and child

Move out immediately. It could be another 3 weeks before you give birth. Pack up and get out safely now

Do not put him on the birth certificate. This protects you and your child from him - If he is a gas lighting narcissist don’t be fooled into thinking he won’t do it to the child because he will. It’s how they work

Go now.

Why is he doing this to me? I don't understand anything anymore there is quite simply no "why" or "reason" when you are dealing with people who want to harm you. Anyone who has been through it will be able to tell you that, and most of them in the early years questioned, questioned themselves, tried to make excuses, tried to make it work. But then realised. There is no reason why, no earthly reason that any normal person would understand. If you cannot move, can you get your mother or someone else who loves you to come and be with you, to act as a buffer and look after your best interests. After the baby is born you might be very vulnerable. Is that possible? As a pp has said please speak to woman's aid.

Why is he doing this to me? I don't understand anything anymore.

Stop wondering this for now, it doesn't matter why he is doing this, what matters is that he is and that you need to get safe.

You need to call Womens Aid tonight / in the morning and tell them everything you've said here. And tell them you're scared, especially of him lying about you and trying to take your baby.

You need to get away to your mums now, even if it means you only have the clothes on your back. Nothing is more important than you and baby being safe.

Do NOT give the baby his last name and don't put him on the birth certificate. You have no obligation to do so at birth, so don't.

He is dangerous and abusive.

You have precious little time left to be able to get away with your baby literally with you, before he can get his hands on the baby or take advantage of you being physically weak and vulnerable after baby arrives.

Get out now. By the weekend you can be back with your mum. You were there six weeks ago, you must go back.

You need to contact Women's Aid immediately, OP. If you can't get through to them you should speak to the police. He sounds really dangerous and I'd be amazed if he hasn't got a criminal record.

You should also speak to your midwife - in fact she's the first person to speak to as she can put you in touch with everyone else. Can you go out tomorrow and call her?

Does your mum drive? Could she come and get you? Literally, you could arrange for her or someone to meet you, walk out of the house, and never ever go back.

I have no family in this country as I am not from the country originally.
So where is your mum if not in this country? Are you able to have the baby and then ask for help in the hospital to go to your mum's instead of back with him? I know this is harsh (and I am sorry for upsetting you), but perhaps getting pregnant by a man you'd only just met wasn't your best move. Anyway, I hope you manage to escape this awful man.

@MostlyHappyMummy

Move back to your mums before the baby is born Don’t give baby his surname Ideally never contact him again but that might be difficult when you have a shared child You’re not crazy, but soon will be if you stay

This is great advice. And it’s what everyone is saying. You go now to your mum’s. And ring one of the helplines (Women’s refuge) in the morning. Good luck OP.

Yes speak to women's aid but can your mum come to get you? Don't put his name on the birth certificate and leave as quickly as you can

I second speaking to your midwife. They have domestic violence training and can advise you.

You asked why does he do that?

This will provide your answers:
Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That? docdro.id/py03

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

How He Gets into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1855942208/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_i_gxxAEbBTMRXTM?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Why is he doing this to you? Because he's crazy and abusive.

If you really were the way he says he would not have the rights he thinks he has (you don't take someone's baby off them because the dad says they have various undiagnosed personality disorders), if anything that flags to the authorities that he is the one that has a personality disorder.

Get out right now. Go to a hotel or an air bnb if you can't get a flight. You and he are not going to 'be a little family'

Stop dreaming and start acting. And you need to put your phone down right this second and go and find your passport and documents and hide it or give it to someone for safe keeping. Every second you stay there you are in danger. He is unhinged.

I wouldn't be surprised if he takes the baby off you, walks out of the hospital and you never see them again with him suing for custody and stalling until he can get it out of the country to his own family.

So sick.