Am I being gaslighted?

[Swlondon123]

I urgently require your help about a horrible situation which I am dealing with. I am 9 months pregnant with a baby and I have known my partner for about 10 months. I got pregnant very very quickly (we were both lonely in London, I was dreaming of a having a little family and also his father passing away around the time I got pregnant made us both both impulsive and slightly irrational in our decision making to keep the child.)

I am nearly ready to give birth but things are not going well for us at all. I am convinced my partner wishes to destroy me as I feel emotionally abused by his actions. He has got in touch with 7 organisations claiming he is being emotionally abused by me and that he is protecting himself and the unborn child against my behaviour. We have had arguments and I am an emotional person who is going through a pregnancy and I have had mood swings BUT he is also provocative in the way he speaks to me which often causes me to react as his language towards me in abhorrent at times (fat cunt, bitch, ape, pig...)

I don't know if this is a victim playing tactic on his part, but I have suggested the idea that if he is so unhappy then we can co-parent. He didn't like this suggestion and claims he loves me and wants to make it work but he needs to set boundaries in place in case things go wrong ( ie. post natal depression), so I am very confused. I do not know if he is playing games with me and if he needs a test for schizophrenia for paranoid delusions or he intends to control and dominate me through the means of getting in touch with external organisations.

I must admit that the past 9 months have been very difficult, I lost my job in south of England, had to find work quickly whilst having a visible bump and also the coronavirus situation has not helped at all. When I finally found a job I had to quit at the end of February and I moved away from the south to go to the north to stay with my mum for a few months until he organised the move from the south to another city in the North (where he is from originally.)

I had a great two months with my mother and about 1.5 months ago I moved to join him, and this is where all the problems have started.

I am convinced he is intending to destroy me, I don't know if wants to get rid of me and his goal is full parental custody of the child, or of his motivations against me. He is convinced I have BPD even though I have not been diagnosed, and he has pushed for me to get perinatal help, because if I do not then "we will not last." He says that I am not well and that the issues have arisen from me moving to the UK from from a different country when my mother married an English man when I was 6 years old which could have affected my behaviour and interpersonal relationships with people who are close to me.

I do not understand his goals and intentions but he tells me almost on a daily basis that I need mental help for my "BPD issues" (even though I have never been diagnosed.) I have sought help from my midwife for perinatal care but I am not sure if I really need help, I am basically doing it to appease him!

He says that if we co-parents or we split up that I the child will prefer to live with him as earns a lot more than me because he has a good career behind him and can afford nicer things in life than me.

I am very confused about my partner and why he feels he needs protection against me in place because I am not sure how he intends for me to hurt him. He often calls me a liar and a manipulator but then he also says that he loves me and wants to stay with me. I do not understand how it is possible to be in a relationship with someone who you don't trust as I believe that trust is one of the most important foundations in a relationship.

Please can you help me understand what is going on? Is he projecting his issues against me, is he really intent to destroy me by getting in touch with so many organisations? Is this all a game for him? Or does he actually want to save the relationship? I feel as if I am going crazy!

Thank you for your help and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

To explain why people are telling you not to put him on the birth certificate - it gives him parental responsibility, which gives him the ability to make decisions for the child, and potentially stop you legally from doing things (eg. moving away from the area, taking your child out of the country even for a holiday). If you don't put him on the birth certificate, he would have to apply for parental responsibility via the courts.

At the moment, while pregnant, he has no say over what you do, you can do a flit, you're an adult woman who is allowed to make her own choices. Once the baby arrives, if you just give him PR, he'll be able to hamper you legally regarding the baby.

Run away now.

This morning you need to contact Womens Aid as a first call.
It will take a while to get through so keep trying.
They can help you see this for what it is.

Then contact Rights of Women.
Next call is to Shelter.

So he is saying he has 7 organisations behind him.
I'd like the names of those companies. If he is in the UK this is highly unlikely.
He is lying and bullshitting you.

Stop listening to him.
You do not have BPD.

You need to get away. Womens Aid and the other organisations can help you with this.
You need your own support, so do this today.
Get a safe exit plan in place. Even get to a refuge if they have any spaces.
Just get away.

Contact your mum for some love and support.
Tell her exactly what is going on here.
Make it real.

A job and career means fuck all when you are raising a child.
They need love. Make sure you try your best to breastfeed.
He cannot then take the child from you.
Not judging anyone who doesn't, I didn't and I would always say do what is best for you but in this case, do try.

Once baby is born do NOT put him on the birth certificate. Give baby your surname!
Then get away to your mum as soon as you can.

He is vile and he is an abuser.
You need to protect yourself and your baby.
RUN - far and fast!

You make an emergency appointment with your midwife and you explain everything and that you are at serious harm from this person. To be clear OP he is going to try and get you sectioned or kick you out as soon as the baby is born.

It doesn’t matter why he’s doing it the time to ponder has well past you need to act this minute!

@Swlondon123, Sorry for taking ages to get back to you. When I read your op, I thought your situation was too horrific to be real, and that is the only reason I questioned it.
I have not RTFT because as soon as I got to your reply (post 3 on page 1) I felt the need to reply.
Previous posters will no doubt have re-iterated what I posted.

I recently had a midwife appointment and when I came home he demanded what I said to the midwife. I said that I didn't say anything to her it was just a routine examination.

A few hours later he called the midwife and said some negative things about me just in case I said horrible things about him so he felt he needed to protect himself even though it was just a routine examination.

The way he spoke on the phone, all emotional, and upset triggered the midwife to get in touch with social services. So now there will be a lady who will come to our house next week for a child in need assessment to make sure that everything is okay. Totally unnecessary for there to be a social worker involved for his paranoid delusions.

If course I am gutted that the child hasn't even been born yet and will be on the social register for life, of course I am also terrified the child will be taken away from me.

Totally unnecessary for there to be a social worker involved for his paranoid delusions.

I'd say it's absolutely necessary.

The SW needs to know the absolute truth of what's going on. If you cannot speak to her privately, see if you can slip her a note to read after she leaves.

Ah, honey, that social worker is coming to see if you are ok, not him. No sane person rings a social just to explain how they have imagined x, y and z. She could be your best way out. Ask for her help. She's coming cause she's worried about you.

She's seen this before, he's a fucking nutter

What you are experiencing is coercive control and psychological abuse both are classic
forms of domestic violence. Call the Domestic Violence Hotline on 08082000247 /www.nationaldahotline.org who will be able to support you or call your nearest Refuge.

Do you want life to carry on like this?
You must know this is not normal ?
Use this visit to get out
Slip her a note to link to this thread?

If course I am gutted that the child hasn't even been born yet and will be on the social register for life, of course I am also terrified the child will be taken away from me.

His phone call will have triggered a concern that you are a victim of abuse. They are coming to find out what he is doing to you.

He will probably try to make sure that you don't have an opportunity to speak to her alone. She will be vigilant to that.

It is widely recognised that pregnancy and birth are times when domestic abuse escalates so this won't be a new situation for them.

He will do everything he can now to try to make you too frightened to tell the lady who visits you the truth. Don't let this opportunity slip through your fingers. You need to get away from this man.

Oh and your baby will only be removed from you if they observe your parenting and judge it to be putting the baby at significant risk.

Get away from him before the baby is born and there will be no problem.

If you don't want your child to be on an at risk register go to your Mum's and break all contact with this mad man.

Slip the social worker a note and ask for her help. Point her to this thread as suggested, and give her a phone number or email for you. Please don't let this continue- it's really awful abuse and he's a dangerous man.

How is it going @Swlondon123? When is the social service visit?

I have you on my mind because I'm worried about you are you ok ?

Staying with him op and pretending to the social worker everything is fine so you can keep your baby will not help you - in case he tries to make you believe so. That social worker is a life line grab it with both hands, save yourself and save your baby. Don’t worry about money, they can help you, even if you’re not a UK citizen. He does not care about you, his behaviour is disgusting. Who does he think he is giving you a psychiatric diagnosis? A psychiatrist! No! Sounds like he’s fine his research on personality disorders wouldn’t be surprised if all his psychological speak is coming from him having had treatment for something.

Hey OP hope you and baby are ok x

Hi everyone.
I just wanted to thank you all for your replies. I was in a very vulnerable position at the time.
I gave birth to a health baby boy, and we were put on a child protection register with social services. I moved out and have custody of my son, he is allowed contact twice a month. We went through the court procedure and I was lucky to get legal aid.
I am very grateful for all of your support and advice.

Dear OP, I am so glad to read your update. I did not see your post before and just ran into it today. I was getting so upset reading it and was worried what may happen to you.

Well, congratulations on your new baby! I wish you all the best and I hope that that man does not make your life difficult.

Hugs💕

Oh that's wonderful! I'm so glad you're out and free. Congratulations on your lovely baby! Boys are a joy!