Am I being gaslighted?

[Swlondon123]

I urgently require your help about a horrible situation which I am dealing with. I am 9 months pregnant with a baby and I have known my partner for about 10 months. I got pregnant very very quickly (we were both lonely in London, I was dreaming of a having a little family and also his father passing away around the time I got pregnant made us both both impulsive and slightly irrational in our decision making to keep the child.)

I am nearly ready to give birth but things are not going well for us at all. I am convinced my partner wishes to destroy me as I feel emotionally abused by his actions. He has got in touch with 7 organisations claiming he is being emotionally abused by me and that he is protecting himself and the unborn child against my behaviour. We have had arguments and I am an emotional person who is going through a pregnancy and I have had mood swings BUT he is also provocative in the way he speaks to me which often causes me to react as his language towards me in abhorrent at times (fat cunt, bitch, ape, pig...)

I don't know if this is a victim playing tactic on his part, but I have suggested the idea that if he is so unhappy then we can co-parent. He didn't like this suggestion and claims he loves me and wants to make it work but he needs to set boundaries in place in case things go wrong ( ie. post natal depression), so I am very confused. I do not know if he is playing games with me and if he needs a test for schizophrenia for paranoid delusions or he intends to control and dominate me through the means of getting in touch with external organisations.

I must admit that the past 9 months have been very difficult, I lost my job in south of England, had to find work quickly whilst having a visible bump and also the coronavirus situation has not helped at all. When I finally found a job I had to quit at the end of February and I moved away from the south to go to the north to stay with my mum for a few months until he organised the move from the south to another city in the North (where he is from originally.)

I had a great two months with my mother and about 1.5 months ago I moved to join him, and this is where all the problems have started.

I am convinced he is intending to destroy me, I don't know if wants to get rid of me and his goal is full parental custody of the child, or of his motivations against me. He is convinced I have BPD even though I have not been diagnosed, and he has pushed for me to get perinatal help, because if I do not then "we will not last." He says that I am not well and that the issues have arisen from me moving to the UK from from a different country when my mother married an English man when I was 6 years old which could have affected my behaviour and interpersonal relationships with people who are close to me.

I do not understand his goals and intentions but he tells me almost on a daily basis that I need mental help for my "BPD issues" (even though I have never been diagnosed.) I have sought help from my midwife for perinatal care but I am not sure if I really need help, I am basically doing it to appease him!

He says that if we co-parents or we split up that I the child will prefer to live with him as earns a lot more than me because he has a good career behind him and can afford nicer things in life than me.

I am very confused about my partner and why he feels he needs protection against me in place because I am not sure how he intends for me to hurt him. He often calls me a liar and a manipulator but then he also says that he loves me and wants to stay with me. I do not understand how it is possible to be in a relationship with someone who you don't trust as I believe that trust is one of the most important foundations in a relationship.

Please can you help me understand what is going on? Is he projecting his issues against me, is he really intent to destroy me by getting in touch with so many organisations? Is this all a game for him? Or does he actually want to save the relationship? I feel as if I am going crazy!

Thank you for your help and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

You need your mum. She needs to come now.

Get away from him
Any man who calls you those awful things is abusive

Why on earth would he need boundaries if you got PND ??? He would need to love snd support you

Do not put his name on the birth certificate

Get away no to your mums fast

This sounds awful, you need to go to your mums now!!!

You would be far better leaving now, even while ready to pop.

It'll be harder, not easier once the baby is born, and even if you leave him then, he might be able to legally stop you moving away from the area if he has parental responsibility.

Get yourself to your mum - if she can come get you, better yet.

Please go to your mums tomorrow morning. Contact her. Ask her to collect you. As others have said, do not put him on the birth certificate and give your baby your surname. He sounds delusional and potentially dangerous. I wouldn’t want my baby near him.

What organisations had he contacted? Do you have proof of this ?

You need to go and stay with your mother straight away. Leave with just what you can carry.

If the only way to do this is to call the police, do that. Explain the situation and ask them to help you get to your mother's home.

If he has convinced agencies that you are unfit to care for your child, you can engage with them from your mother's home and they will soon see that the accusations are unfounded.

He is likely to plead, beg, threaten and promise all sorts to get you to return.

You have posted on here tonight because you know that he is a danger to you and your child. Please listen to your instincts and go somewhere safe.

And I would like to add how do you know he has 'organisations' on his side? Have you seen the paperwork? Had any contact?

Have you had a mental health assessment? Seen a social worker? Have you seen any evidence at all that anyone believes him?

He's lying. All of it is a big lie. Except for his family - they may well be as sick as he is.

Re getting out it may be easier if flights are tricky to jump on a Eurostar. There's a form you need to fill out and you'll need a face mask.

If you have a car jump in it and head down to towards the euro tunnel. Does he leave the house? I bet he's keeping a close eye on you. Does he sleep soundly? Can you get out while he sleeps?

Alternatively call the police and make a report, this may well be considered highly illegal/coercive control.

They will take it seriously because honestly it's just the most obviously crazy and abusive thing ever. Then they will remove him and you will take out a non molestation order. Obviously you need to keep the baby well away because if he gets a dna test done he will prove it's his.

And you really need him gone from your life forever,

Why is she trying to get a plane or Eurostar? Isn't her mum up north?

Dear one , leave him straight away , secretly move into your mother's house when you've told him oh I'm going to the shop or something.

I would expect him to get angry upon finding out. So lock the doors. Don't let him in. Tell the police on 101 even as soon as your at your mother's that you expect you may need them later and don't hesitant to phone 999 if he turns up trying to get in.

Call women's aid asap.
Speak to your midwife

You need to go completely zero contact to keep you and your child safe from him.
Ignore everything he says, he will try every different tactic to get access to you and child again, leave him off birth certificate, don't let him near.

Sending you strength op

We're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page. That page is for anyone who is experiencing abuse, not just physical abuse.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ .

I thought mum was abroad, she was saying she had no one Etc.
OP this is simple, go to your mums right now. Explain all. You need protection and safety. Or get mum and her DH to come down if they will. He won't be quite as brave with them and they will help you get your stuff out.

This man is mad, completely barking mad. And potentially very dangerous. Projecting all his stuff onto you. Suspect he has had a very strange upbringing.
DO NOT put his name in the birth certificate. Speak to your midwife in confidence. You should not share a home with him after the birth. You need a safe place away from him. The hospital may be able to help with finding a refuge.

You may be 39 weeks but ask yourself this: If he held a knife to your throat and threatened to kill you, would you leave? Of course you would. Well, he's holding a 'metaphorical' knife to your mental well-being and that of your child. You need to leave.

Where is your mum? You said "....to go to the north to stay with my mum" so I assume that means she's in the UK.

If she is out of the country can you access her house? TBH, in your situation I'd break a window if I had to to get into my mum's house and be safe.

@AcrossthePond55 TBH, in your situation I'd break a window if I had to to get into my mum's house and be safe

So would I. I would do literally anything to get out safely with whatever I could. He sounds completely and utterly insane.

The worst part is that this type know how to press someone's buttons and make them believe there's really something in this.

3 weeks is a long time even if it feels like nothing. I think involving the police is important because if she vanishes he will call them and spin them a web of lies. Which of course will be found out - after considerable stress has been caused.

OP I dont want to make you feel bad but this kind of stress is unbelievably damaging to babies in the womb. It's not just you he's hurting.

He is likely to be projecting so listen to what he is accusing you of and it will tell you what he is doing.

fat cunt, bitch, ape, pig

This proves it is him that is the abuser. Abusers often try to make out the victim is mad etc.

I would go to your mum's now, even if you are 39 weeks. Go tomorrow if you can.

If you have to speak to any midwives or other professionals, tell them exactly what he is doing with the name calling, that will help get them on side and show them what he is doing.

But mostly, do a runner to your mum's. xxx

Is your mother still around? Could she drive to pick you up, or send someone to come and get you? This man sounds dangerous. 39 weeks doesn't necessarily mean you're about to give birth, first babies can hang about for a couple of weeks yet.

Speak to your midwife, speak to Women's Aid, speak to any friends you have. No-one is going to take your baby away from you on his say-so, but you need to stop wondering why he is like this. You won't get an answer. You need to start working out how to get you and your baby to a safe place.

Ok this is really dangerous.
You need to find a way to tell your midwife who will help you.
You need to listen to the advice about not putting his name on the birth certificate, you can only truly escape him if he has no claim to your child.
There are also many domestic abuse charities online, women’s aid or NCDV.

You can tell any professional. GP or you can go to a chemist - BOOTs will let you use a consultation room and phone to ring a domestic abuse service. You need to tell someone, even if you have to make up that there’s a problem as an excuse to see a midwife or GP. Please please do this tomorrow.

@Swlondon123

Dear OP - the reason we are all pressing you to make your escape now before the baby arrives is because we all know how exhausting and overwhelming the early weeks and months of having a baby are. Although escaping this man now seems like hard work when you are heavily pregnant, it will be considerably harder if you try to do it with a newborn baby. And like other posters I think there is a risk he will take your baby and go and join his family while you're recovering from the labour.

You have only known this man 10 months and he is already treating you incredibly badly. He sounds really, really strange and dangerous. 10 months is a very short period of time to get to know someone. The reality is that you are having a baby with an angry stranger who is terrorising you with abuse and accusations about your mental health and lies about reporting you to various organisations and getting them on this side. I'm sure he is lying about that, by the way.

This idea that you have MH difficulties because you came to this country when you were 6, I mean - WTF? I have many colleagues who arrived in this country as children and others who arrived as adults. None of them have MH difficulties as a result of that. But he seems to be obsessed with making you feel very uncomfortable and insecure about yourself and your rights. This is in order to make you vulnerable and more likely to do what he wants you to do. This is abuse.

It's not clear whether your mother is permanently here or whether she has now gone back overseas. If she is here, hopefully she can come and get you or you can go to her. If she isn't available, can you go to a friend's house?

Good luck, OP, and keep posting here for support.

Get out of there, he sounds very odd.

OMG he sounds horrible and abusive. Doesn't matter why, there are just lots of horrible characters out there. Please take the advice everyone on this thread is giving you. Get away from him. Keep posting here, there are lots of people who are very knowledgeable.

He's doing this cos he's an abusive arsehole.
It's who he is!

You've been given plenty of warnings about what he's like - even your gut instinct is screaming at you!

Ok. It sounds like Mum is in a different country so I’m guessing you are too pregnant to fly? Can your mum come to you? Is there anywhere else you can go? Speak to your midwife and tell her what is going on! She will help you. Can you afford to rent another property? A flat with your mothers help? You need to get away from him before the baby is born