I don't know if I can fit into Mumsnet .

[JustthisOnce333]

I read some of these threads and I'm astonished that some posters are really quite cheeky and confronting. I'm the kind of person who makes an effort to be nice and kind and I'd rather say nothing than something that might hurt another's feelings

So... Serious question. Should I get some thicker skin and realise this is the way of the world?

Or should I make efforts to stay as I am. I could equally be described as gentle and kind or a pathetic walkover.

Mumsnet can be very harsh and you should prepare yourself for that if you are going to ask for advice because that won’t change. I do think a small minority of people do come on here just to be twats tough. I like people who are honest but some of the advice I see is just cruel and unhelpful. However, do not change and please stay true to who you are. We need gentle people like you in this world to balance it out x

Well, AIBU is brutal, other areas are a lot gentler- Relationships for example.

Plus, you can be as gentle as you like, there's no reason you'd have to change that, but obviously some of the replies you get might be... A bit direct shall we say.
Sometimes deserved and sometimes not.

@JustthisOnce333 IDK, everyone is different but they can be very supportive, especially on the Relationships board.

Occasionally someone can have a nasty (maybe bored) moment or not have been in an OP's situation so think they're wrong.

Or now and again someone gets impatient too early IMHO, like expect the OP to LTB within 2 days or something, or say the OP is wasting everyone's time.

But in general there's quite a lot of support. It does change lives, I'm living proof of that.

You sound lovely OP - don't change.

Written words are always more direct, especially because people try to do short answer, straight to the point. Also in the conversation you have facial expressions or you know people’s background.
I wouldn’t change, there are a lot of nice supportive people on MN.

Just be yourself. Some people on here are absolutely lovely. However a lot of us put our foot in it sometimes.

If you don't like the way a thread is going, you don't have to post. Move on to another. Don't be too tempted to give advice unless you are suitably qualified and experienced and then only if advice is sought. Hee hee, that's my advice.

Relax and enjoy.

JustthisOnce, gentleness and kindness are underrated virtues. I always appreciate it, and find my spirits are lifted, when I come across someone who exemplifies those virtues on Mumsnet - even if being brasher seems to be the norm!

I, for one, would like you to stay the way you are.

Not every post is as affronting as you say.

There is a good balance between bluntness and tact here.

Some simpering goes on too.

At the end of the day it's just words on a screen.

Avoid starting topics in AIBU.

Thank you very much for your lovely responses, I was preparing myself for someone to tell me to stop being so daft.

I don't know if I will explain this well... I kind of wish in some ways I was born in another time as I find social media and online forums to be quite scary and to me .... It feels like leaving an open door from my thoughts to the world.

However, I am looking to find my place in the world that I do happen to live in and I'm trying to get braver and be me and allow others to see that and judge it as they see fit. I read the threads and I would like to offer support and help at times. I feel maybe I could be helpful to some people in some situations.

The advice to only post if I have knowledge or understanding is very good and I will keep that in mind. So thank you .

Mumsnet seems like a place where a lot of people really care which is great and a lot of the posters are really lovely and kind. I've just always been a person that can be quite affected by the written word, even from people I don't know. I will start gently I think. You have been really nice to reply to me. Thank you.

Some part of MN like AIBU and some posters are really harsh.

I stopped using MN for a few years after reading so much body negativity. Self loathing posts, which you may say it's about them, were actully about universal traits that I happened to have, too like veins, stretch marks, body size and shape. I was reading the most awful, cruel descriptions. It made me feel like this is what others see when they see me.

There is also the MN bully mob where one person starts accusing you of trolling or picks on something and then the echo chamber chimes in.

On the other hand, i had enormous support and genuine advice. I really think that the anonymity of MN can bring out the best and worst in people.

Now that there is a subscription option which ties your account to your identity, I wonder if it will be a kinder, softer place?

My advice is to not expect much when you post on here and if you are in a bad place to avoid MN.

I have a thick skin and I'm not easily offended. Everyone has an opinion and I respect that. However, I'd never ask for advice on here!

Well Mumsnet and social media are not compulsory - if you’re not getting anything positive then there isn’t any point continuing to use them. But on the other hand if you are posting then you are part of the community and have more or less the same influence over the tone etc as any other individual.

I agree it can sometimes be harsh and posters can often make something bad out of nothing. I remember I posted on a thread trying to be helpful, then I added another it as I thought of it afterwards and I was accused of trying to have the last comment??! I was only trying to help! Having said that I posted my own thread about my recent childbirth and the posters couldn't have been more friendly and supportive if they tried. It definitely gave me strength.

Pick your battles and stand up speak up for what is right.

Funnily enough, I actually prefer MN over local community FB pages these days, social media (when your name is out there esp. in a small community) can be so cruddy and nasty.

For instance last week I was on a local page and suggested they start by asking their neighbours in regard to a local issue of who owned what. 10 posts down, all women, the last one said I was very presumptuous in ''blaming the neighbours''... big leap there from the original question and answer. It was just as if no one had read the original question!

So I deleted the whole sub conversation section and a day later, admin turned off commenting.

Now I'm not saying this doesn't happen on MN, but I think not having your real-life name up there helps a lot, and staying away from posting on a Friday or Saturday night when the wine is flowing, is another useful tip too. Some of the replies those nights can leave a lot to be desired..

You sound like a lovely friend OP.

You'll never please all the people..

Please keep being kind, nothing like having a shitty day, posting it, and receiving a sincere and kind response.

...nothing like having a shitty day, posting it, and receiving a sincere and kind response.
This.
I first came on MN in 2007 when I was pregnant with DD. The mixture of support and straight-up advice was so valuable. I keep trying to pay the favour forward.
OP, if you want a handhold for whatever reason, please ask for it straight up. We'll give it to you. If you want sincere advice when you risk admonishment ask for it. There is huge collective wisdom on MN.

Some people are just rude, especially the ones who call out grammar and spelling or attempt to derail a thread, but most are just presenting different points of view as a part of the discussion. I wouldn’t take it personally - most aren’t arguing - they’re just sharing their experiences.

Your mental well-being is your responsibility and so I wouldn’t recommend an environment that would damage it.

Absolutely avoid AIBU which seems to have some posters just waiting to post imflammatory reactions.

If you have relationship issues then this is the place to post. There is no tone in writing so where someone in speech would stress a word it is much harder in the written text. This board is supportive.

I like to think MN is like your best friend who would tell you that you have spinach in your teeth and that your partner is being an arse. But she would do it with panache, a cup of tea or glass of wine in her hand and you know she only wants the best for you.

You don't have to change who you are, you are good enough for the friends that you have. My motto to live by and as demonstrated on here, you cannot please everyone all of the time so why do stuff because some randoms tell you you should? Do what is right for you, that way you don't get irked 20 years after your wedding for being forced to have your miserable, met her 5 times SIL as a bridesmaid

Just read or post stuff as much as you need/want, then do something else. xxx

I'm probably one of those harsh posters sometimes but I'm trying to help not upset anyone

You need to be able to take what you need from it and leave the rest.

There are sometimes people out to be unpleasant as possible. There are also people who are quite blunt and forthright but mean no malice. I like to think the good outweighs the negative.

I'm astonished that some posters are really quite cheeky and confronting.

cheeky? That's a word that implies speaking from a subordinate position. (See photo!) But we are not children - there is no element of cheekiness in adults saying what they believe to be true.

You hardly need me to tell you that without confrontation women in England might still not have the right to vote, or to demand equal pay. And many, many women on this site might be living with no rights at all.

I'm the kind of person who makes an effort to be nice and kind and I'd rather say nothing than something that might hurt another's feelings

Why are you unwilling to take up your own space in the adult world? It seems a rather selfish way to live. Are you certain that your inaction or silence has never led to damage to another person's quality of life?

When I was here at first, I got an awful pasting for commenting on a thread with my own experience of something I very quickly learnt was sacrosanct on MN. Needless to say, my own experience did not concur with the MN accepted position 🙄 I just didn't bother engaging with that particular topic anymore. It also taught me that some people are on here with a particular drum to beat and they're only interested in the sound of their own drum.

I've been here for around 12 years in different guises now and I find it to be really helpful.

Deliberately hurting someone's feelings is always unnecessary and there are some posters who seem to just enjoy kicking someone when they're down.

However...

I post here for 'independent' and objective feedback. I won't act on 'advice' just because its given but I do appreciate hearing from other people who have experienced similar situations and how they dealt with it. Also, it can be helpful having a perspective that you wouldnt have thought of yourself.

I do find, "you sound really nice, OP. I'm sure it'll all be ok" type responses utterly pointless. No one can tell from my post whether I'm a lovely person or not and "sure it'll be ok" based on what? Nothing but wanting to be nice.

Sometimes what you're told isnt what you wanted to hear - because the truth isn't always nice. But it can always be delivered kindly.

However, that isn't the same as being 'nice'.