I don't know if I can fit into Mumsnet .

[JustthisOnce333]

I read some of these threads and I'm astonished that some posters are really quite cheeky and confronting. I'm the kind of person who makes an effort to be nice and kind and I'd rather say nothing than something that might hurt another's feelings

So... Serious question. Should I get some thicker skin and realise this is the way of the world?

Or should I make efforts to stay as I am. I could equally be described as gentle and kind or a pathetic walkover.

I think the anonymity brings out a nasty side of many OP!
I often find people give "advice" that I'm sceptical they would actually follow themselves (always LTB!). A lot of unnecessary suggestion of confrontation. Many who view their opinion as fact. And ultimately some people are just very bitter and like to drag others down.

As others have said it's not the case right through the site and there is plenty good advice and funny threads, you often just have to tread through shit to reach it

Despite what I said in my last post, I think the good outweighs the nasty on MN, even on AIBU. There are some people who are unpleasant whatever topic they're posting about, but I tend to skip over their contributions when I see their usernames. I've got a lot out of the Feminism and Style&Beauty boards (I know, talk about contrasts) and I do love the Baby Names topic even though I have no children of my own and all my friends have roundly ignored all my naming suggestions for their babies

I'm also a little confused to the poster who says I try to be kind but they don't try to be nice? Isn't this term interchangeable?

No. Completely different.

Nice people are people pleasers; kind people have boundaries.

So.

Imagine you re in a relationship that you wish to end but you know that doing so will upset the other person because they don't want it to end.

A 'nice' person would ignore their own feelings and continue the relationship so as not to upset the other person - despite how miserable it made them (I have seen threads to this effect on here).

A 'kind' person would end the relationship respectfully.

A 'nice' person would lie if the lie was what the other person wanted to hear: "no, don't think your husband is cheating on you"; "yes, that hair colour looks lovely on you"...

A 'kind' person would tell the truth but do it sensitively.

If you read the posts on here, there are an awful lot of women who are 'nice' and it ties them up into knots in their lives. Kindness is being supportive whilst still maintaining your own boundaries.

I'm not kind to everyone. I don't walk around and offer kindness to everyone that I meet.

But kindness should be your default.

You should always be kind to people.

But you don't have to always be nice.

I mean I don't indiscriminately offer kindness to everyone in every situation. I'm getting myself tied up in knots here.

Kindness absolutely is my default position . You know that saying in the American justice system . They would rather let 100 guilty men go free than allow one innocent man to be imprisoned ( I'm sure I said that wrong).

I'd rather be kind to 100 people who didn't deserve it than nasty to one person who couldn't cope with it. But if I know someone is unworthy of kindness I walk away from them.

I was truly shocked when I first started using Mumsnet got my ass absolutely handed to me on a plate for a few posts but what I have learnt is six months later maybe even a day later that same thread will be full of responses like mine and the person saying something different will get their ass handed to them on a plate. It's just the ebb and flow of the way it goes on Mumsnet I think this forum is invaluable for getting a reasonably wide-ranging opinions and experiences albeit very remain and left wing, you still get a good range of opinions on here. It's also really helped me realise my female socialization to be nice and how sometimes actually that isn't the best way in life that while we should strive to be kind sometimes brutal honesty actually gets us further with our selves as well as with other people. Finally I've learnt things from Mum slept that I really didn't know about myself and about others I never thought there was a problem popping into the disabled toilet until I read some people's experiences of having to stand outside with their 7-year old daughter and a stinking colostomy bag. Now I would never use a disabled toilet and I would absolutely challenge anybody who did. I like to think of myself as a nice kind l inclusive easy going person until the feminist board opened my eyes to what that actually meant for vulnerable girls and women and the future of my sex based rights. Mumsnet has truly helped me grow as a person you just have to be a bit thicker skinned when you say something that goes against the prevailing wind.

Is it normal to feel nervous when you start posting?

IDK if it completely works, but you could try putting 'please be gentle' or whatever at the top of your posts.

Making a thread can be revelatory- you may know when something a man does is not ok, but a post helps you realize how bad the situation really is.

Also, the events that develop unfold and women confirm or give you advice on how to respond etc.

If a thread hasn't gone your way, you can always ignore it.

Happy posting and I hope you get responses that change your life in a positive way. x

The thing about MN is, is that most of it's users give you the truth, and as they do it, they are respectful/kind/nice about it.

Some give you the truth and are harsh.

Some are just wankers.

I like it here because for the most part, things aren't sugar coated & it makes a refreshing change.

Yes , I want to be the type of person who offers advice or a particular viewpoint. If (when) I am challenged on what I have said I want to be resilient enough to take the feedback on board and use it to either reinforce or change my opinion, and be a big enough person to say that. If that makes sense.

Right now I might be the type of person who gets upset about someone critisising my viewpoint and just do nothing. Which is not good for me really.

I'm never going to grow and see if I can take it if I don't put myself out there. Thank you.

I think though if I just don't agree with a poster at all I wouldn't enter into a conversation.

This is really helpful for setting my Mumsnet boundaries before I start posting!

Thank you everyone .

First rule of mumsnet.

Posts are all just opinions. After that they are opinions formed from subjective experiences. So it's not one big luvvy shared experience. Most RL threads turn about half way when someone with their own mind pipes up with a more objective point of view or reads between the lines.. Then others will join in, validated.

In most RL posts I'll try to see the other point of view as well as OP and that goes down VERY badly usually but probably explains a lot of the RL problems pile on posters have, stemming from a blinkered place of righteousness 🤷‍♀️ it is what it is. Don't try and belong to mumsnet, let mumsnet belong to you use it to your advantage to get you through long train journeys and lunch breaks 😁 most on here talk a good game but in real life are probably completely different people, just remember that and don't get too absorbed.

I'd rather be kind to 100 people who didn't deserve it than nasty to one person who couldn't cope with it. But if I know someone is unworthy of kindness I walk away from them.

Absolutely!

Totally agree, and this is why troll calling is not on. Even if someone is a troll/posting a fake story, if you take them at their word and respond kindly, someone else could see that thread and be encouraged to seek support themselves for a real problem.

Is it normal to feel nervous when you start posting?

Totally! I think I probably lurked for about eighteen months before tentatively offering up my first post. And then for the first couple of years or so (even before the various hackings and outings) I had to keep name changing after saying something irredeemably stupid or getting too over invested and involved.

Someone above said 'find a friend'. I've found that having a 'home thread' - somewhere I return to repeatedly and where I understand the other regular posters - really encourages me to stay, even if I feel clumsy or misunderstood across a million other threads.

I don't teach my daughter that "kindness" is the be all and end all. It's good to get along with people, but it's more important not to be a pushover. Read the Feminism threads to find women standing up for themselves.

You might prefer netmums

Should I get some thicker skin and realise this is the way of the world?
Or should I make efforts to stay as I am.
Those two things are not opposites. You can accept that other people are not like you, without acting like them.

Mumsnet seems like a place where a lot of people really care which is great
That's right. People who care strongly about things often do express their thoughts strongly.

Social media takes practice if you're not used to it. You're coming into contact with people you might not ever hear express their opinions at all in real life - people from different worlds, with very different experiences to you. And it's all expressed in writing, by people who might be juggling a baby, slightly pissed, sobbing their hearts out having just been dumped, or in some other way distracted, not reading what you said that carefully or not expressing themselves very clearly. The person you think is probably a British woman your age might just as easily be a rather frail eighty-year-old who's not got her glasses on and has never heard of Game of Thrones - or an eighteen-year-old Spanish girl whose English is good but who has confused "embarazada" with "embarrassed". You have to have an open mind, and assume that if they have said something rude, they might well not have meant it, or might have totally misunderstood what you said. If that is what you call having a thick skin, then that is probably useful.

A thick skin doesn't have to mean you never feel any insults or attacks. I think you can achieve a state of mind where you know that anyone who feels the need to launch a personal attack, sneer, belittle etc has their own issues, and you don't need to let their nastiness say anything about you. I also find that if you can get to that point, you actually feel stronger and calmer by rising above it.

That doesn't mean you have to always be nicey-nicey - you can make strong points, and argue them firmly, and still be respectful and calm.

Well yes , thank you all for your comments . I realise my initial OP is actually quite critical and I've probably come across like I think I'm just good and perfect and nice to all people all the time because that is what I find valuable.

I actually have a good , solid set of ethics and morals and I do put my money where my mouth is. I've left a job because I objected about how a co worker was being treated, I have supported another friend when they were getting bullied and I do have integrity, I just do these things in a non confrontational way . Because that is who I am, and I want to know if I can still be who I am and be a part of Mumsnet.

In my OP I wasn't talking about the critical but well meant posters, I actually hope to be one of them one day. I just think some people just critisise without offering advice or support and some posters can come across as quite judgemental. And I worry that these posters might damage my slowly increasing confidence. On the other hand actually posting on Mumsnet might increase my slowly increasing confidence... Hence the conundrum . Thank you .

I don't teach my daughter that "kindness" is the be all and end all. It's good to get along with people, but it's more important not to be a pushover

It's niceness that causes problems for women and girls. Not kindness.

Kindness just means not being a twat.

The demands for 'kindness'that the feminist board objects to is the sort that requires women to ignore their boundaries for the benefit of someone else.

That's not kindness.

So... Serious question. Should I get some thicker skin and realise this is the way of the world?

Or should I make efforts to stay as I am. I could equally be described as gentle and kind or a pathetic walkover.

The two aren’t mutually exclusive - I’m kind but still thick skinned. Being gentle doesn’t have to make you a pushover.

My OP could definitely use some work I agree!

The next time I will take more time with my wording and ensure my actual question is clearer because I agree it isn't really meaningful as to what I was asking. Everyone who has replied has been really helpful to me so thank you .