Is abuse called abuse if it’s not intentional?

[abrighterfuture]

If my husbands behaviour scared me but his behaviour wasn’t intentionally done to scare me it was just him wanting his own way is that abuse?

What really is the definition of abuse? Because I can say I was abused but he will say that he just got annoyed about things and shouted, swore, got really mad because of something I did.

Is abuse the behaviour and not the person?

Yes, it's still abuse.

Abusers don't tend to admit to being abusive. It's a crime, why would they admit it?

The goal of abuse is to control you. The precise manner in which that is achieved doesn't alter whether or not it's abuse. The fact that he frightened you to get his way is basically the definition of abuse. It's not really relevant that scaring you wasn't his primary goal, just the tool to get what he wanted.

Look up the Freedom Programme course online.

How do you know it wasn’t intentional?

What exactly was his intention for swearing and shouting at you if it wasn't to scare you? To make you happy? How did he think it would affect you? How did he think swearing and shouting would get him his own way if not by intimidation?

Yes, it's abuse. He may categorise it as abuse, but abusive men rarely do. They justify their actions because they feel entitled to act like that. It's not the abuser's right to decide what is and isn't abuse. That's for the person who is on the receiving end to decide.

Im trying to figure out if it is intentional or whether I just freeze when faced with anger. Was he trying to control me or could I just not cope with a bully?

No one should have to cope with a bully! A bully is by definition an abuser! It's just a different name for the same thing.

If it was a complete one off, totally out of character moment I might put it down to lockdown stress and taking it out on the wrong person, depending on what was said. I'd want a calm talk about it and a sincere apology afterwards though.

More than once, several times, becoming a pattern of behaviour or a way to shut you down? Definitely not on and abusing.

I think in the vast majority of abusive relationships that they are not consciously trying to be abusive. That doesn't mean that it's not abusive though!

I would also say that I wouldn't necessarily consider a one off incident where someone ends up scared to be abuse either. It absolutely depends on what exactly happened though and the severity of it!

Does he have a job? Friends? How does he respond if he gets ‘mad’ at work or in the pub? Does he shout and swear?

Not a one off, its happened many times. He said it was because I just not giving him what he wants. I’ve tried to explain that I can’t because I’m always afraid of him.

Yes he shouts and swears. If anyone looks at him funny at work or outside then he will go up to there face and start on them.

Is a car crash only a car crash if one party drove deliberately into the other?

Although I doubt he doesn't know what he's doing but let's say it's not 'deliberate' , it's still abuse. It's hardly a romantic gesture now is it?

I got really mad because of what you did is abuser speak 101

He’s not automatically entitled to get what he wants. He’s not entitled to shout and bully to get his own way. That he feels entitled makes no difference. It’s abusive behaviour.

Xpost.
Yeah. He's a nasty bully and yes, that's abusive.
He unleashes his rage on you to punish you for not doing as you're told.

was he trying to control me or could I just not cope with a bully?

He's your husband, it shouldn't be either of those situations. He sounds like a horrid man. What was he trying to gain from shouting and swearing at you, if not to make you scared?

He has serious anger issues if he’s behaving like that all the time. I’m surprised he’s kept a job.

That is the dictionary definition of abuse. I work with men convicted of domestic abuse, and it is always a tool used to control and get what they want, and it is intentional. Does he use the same strategy with his male friends, his employers, strangers on the street? I would bet not, because it would have negative consequences for him, and he wouldn’t get what he wants. He is choosing to act this way with you because he wants what he wants and doesn’t care about what you want or how it effects you. It is absolutely abuse and how he defines it is irrelevant.

Wow... This is ABUSE. He is trying to control your actions.

Ok I have seen that he does it with others, and while that is unusual, it doesn’t change that he is bullying others to get his own way, you included.

www.cps.gov.uk/domestic-abuse

Does this help OP?

his behaviour wasn’t intentionally done to scare me it was just him wanting his own way

This is coercive control and it is abuse.

As the PP said, 'You push my buttons' is the sort of thing they all say.

He said it was because I just not giving him what he wants. I’ve tried to explain that I can’t because I’m always afraid of him.

Is this a sex thing sometimes? Like you don't feel like shagging him and he gets in a strop about it? I can't blame you for not being in the mood if you're frightened of him.

He definitely has anger issues. Absolutely nobody must annoy him, go against him. He is weird, sometimes like a lost little boy then other times a monster.

You know lass, it doesn't matter what it's called. It almost doesn't matter if it's intentional or not.

His behaviour makes you scared. That's enough. No-ones behaviour should make you feel like that. It's not about coping or managing or dealing. It's about being scared and unhappy. What would you say to your daughter if she was scared? 'you need to deal better with him' or 'you need to leave him'?

Yes it was a sex thing. In the beginning I feel like he forced me against my will, but I can’t really remember. Then as time went by and he has shouted about many other things I just don’t feel a connection with him, I’m scared of him.

Do you have DC. Do you own or rent your home. You can't stay with someone who scares you.