Is abuse called abuse if it’s not intentional?

[abrighterfuture]

If my husbands behaviour scared me but his behaviour wasn’t intentionally done to scare me it was just him wanting his own way is that abuse?

What really is the definition of abuse? Because I can say I was abused but he will say that he just got annoyed about things and shouted, swore, got really mad because of something I did.

Is abuse the behaviour and not the person?

Great that you’re away from him. Stay away. If he tries to get to you, seek a non-mol. You might find it helpful to read ‘The Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser’. You won’t understand why he behaves the way he does because you’re not an abuser.

I noticed something a little while back which I found odd. He’d done his usual shouting match because he believe I wasn’t appreciative enough. I was visibly upset and he walked off whistling a tune. I was really angry with that and asked him why are you whistling, why are you happy. I can’t quite remember but I’m pretty sure he said because I’m glad I shouted or something along those lines.

It makes the extra malignant ones happy to break you down.

It's like...they won the race. Everything is about winners and losers to them and so they have to make you the loser so that they win in comparison.

Well I feel like a loser because I’ve let this go on for a long time. He is happy and I am not.

Omg he's a monster!! He is verbally aggressive to you and takes pleasure in it?! AND he is at a minimum trying to sexually pressure you? Good God, run and never look back. 100% abusive, in multiple ways.

You want a loving and emotionally connected relationship. To be treated with respect, understanding and compassion.

He wants none of those things, nothing in the way he acts suggests this. He want's power and control. My ex used to smirk after a put down and I can still see it now. Part of the brain washing is to convince you that you are worthless and no-one else would put up with you, you can't leave etc .

I asked myself the same question, why stay with me if I'm so awful? I even tried to leave but he drew me back in and in the end I realised he had never shown me compassion and I cried and cried and found a way out. Please speak to women's aid, they will help.

He is happy and I am not

You could be if you ended this relationship. Remove yourself fom this horrible situation and get yourself a copy of Lundy Bancroft why does he do that.

He walked away whistling because this spineless prick feels nothing towards you but contempt. He'd put you in your place and was satisfied with himself.

You're absolutely kidding yourself if you think he doesn't know exactly what he's doing. Open your eyes OP before it's too late.

That doesn't sound like an accident.

This is VERY disturbing! You need to leave this man not only for yourself but also for your son! What is he learning? That the way your husband treats you is ok. It’s really not ok

Wow. This guy hates you and is showing you - listen to him.

Having said that, it's not because you are unlikeable, he is just an animal. Stop asking why he does it and think about why you stay.

You need to get yourself and your son out of this.

The more I think about it the more I realise I don’t think I have ever been allowed to voice my opinion, get angry or have any kind of emotion which doesn’t make him out the be the all mighty king. He always wants to be my knight in shining armour but I’m starting to get the impression he is making me need saving and then comes and saves me.

I think you are on to something there.
Maybe there's not much difference between the knight in shining armour or the prison guard. Both make all the decisions for you. They are in the powerful positions and you are in the helpless position. They need you to maintain their power.
If the princess was an adult woman who looked after herself and wanted to change things and make a go at life and decide things for herself, then the knight wouldn't be needed.
She'd probably find the knight patronising and using her to make himself look good. The more helpless the princess is, the better for the knight. He can treat her like dirt at home, then when others are around puts his costume and tells everyone she's really great. All to make himself look good.

He is not happy. Unhappy and insecure people bully others to make them feel strong and special. He sounds unkind and uncaring. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him. Would you put up with this behaviour from anyone else.

Please find the strength to leave him OP. Your son could end up copying this behaviour in his own life. Break the cycle.

@Seaweed42 loved that explanation of the knight in shining armour, spot on!

I think that sometimes people call things abusive when they aren't, but what you are describing in this thread sounds very abusive. Even if it weren't very abusive, even if it weren't intentional (it sounds intentional though) you do not need to put up with it. Relationships should be about love, caring, nurturing, building each other up, supporting. He always wants to be my knight in shining armour but I’m starting to get the impression he is making me need saving and then comes and saves me afaik this is fairly typical pattern in abusive relationships - the abuser sort of saves their partner so taking on a temporary saving role, with high drama involved, but then goes back to being the abuser when the drama is over, and sometimes there is a strong suspicion that the abuser will have caused the drama in the first place so that they take on the saving role... it is really difficult to deal with. Can you stay with family until you are ready to go it alone, is that an option? Like others have said, contact Womans Aid