Is abuse called abuse if it’s not intentional?

[abrighterfuture]

If my husbands behaviour scared me but his behaviour wasn’t intentionally done to scare me it was just him wanting his own way is that abuse?

What really is the definition of abuse? Because I can say I was abused but he will say that he just got annoyed about things and shouted, swore, got really mad because of something I did.

Is abuse the behaviour and not the person?

Oh God op - this sounds awful. You need to get away from him.

Yes, it's abuse. Doesn't matter if he means it or not - the effect is that you're scared of him.

He sounds bonkers and scary. Can you leave him? Do you have support? You absolutely should not be scared of your h.

When I tell him that I feel like a slave he says I behave like one so if the globe fits. He won’t help me in the house, we don’t do my things together like the gardening etc. I said if we did things together then we could build the bond and then maybe I’d feel more secure about being intimate, he just starts screaming at me.

*glove

He definitely has anger issues. Absolutely nobody must annoy him, go against him. He is weird, sometimes like a lost little boy then other times a monster.

I'm sorry you're being abused OP. 'Anger issues' is a common excuse. Everyone experiences anger, but most of us don't behave this way. He doesn't have anger issues, he is an abuser. The lost little boy act is useful for triggering your caring feelings, making you less likely to leave, and controlling you further.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

How can you be helped into leaving your abusive husband?.

I agree he does not have anger issues and anger management courses also are no answer to domestic violence. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightfully call him out on his unreasonable behaviour.

It doesn't sound like accidental abuse.

It sounds like entirely intentional abuse.

He is definitely abusing you. You're scared of him, walking on eggshells around him. He won't listen to you or let you speak. He's blaming you for everything. He's calling you names. Practically a full house of abusive behaviour.

Is there anyone you can go to or make plans to leave? He's either going to start getting physical or he's going to 'start' on the wrong person and end up with a criminal record. Don't let him drag you down with him.

Please call women's aid and speak to someone (when safe to do so). They will be able to talk things through with you and make a plan for your safety.

I still even know think my ex didn't mean to frighten me when he punched walls etc I shouldn't have said something he didn't want to hear but you don't like his response and the only way you can make it stop is to change your own behaviour. It's coercive and manipulative. You deserve better.

He doesnt have anger issues. He is not abusive because he is angry, he is angry BECAUSE he is abusive.

If he kicked a puppy every time he got mad, would that be the puppy's fault? Of course not. Would it be acceptable, no matter what the puppy did? No.

Abuse is never acceptable.
I suggest you speak with womens aid. And start taking practical steps to leave him.

Also, there is nothing unintentional about his behaviour. He means to scare you.

He is a horrible monster and it isn't your job to stay and skivy for a monster, let alone sleep with it!

I have wondered the same thing op but whenever I tell people things my partner has done which scare me etc, they say he is abusive. Things I have thought about - do I feel like I could confront him over his actions? (In my case yes - if he is in the right mood. No at other times). If I speak to him about the things he does that I feel are abusive, does he continue to behave that way anyway? (In my case, yes he does. But he does so knowing my feelings, therefore his actions are no longer unintentional).

I have been told this a lot - abusers are not abusive all the time, otherwise nobody would stay with them. They are nice sometimes. They can have a good side. This tells me that they know right from wrong. They must know that they do things that are unacceptable.

Lundy Bancroft - why does he do that? Was recommended to me. If you Google it, it is available as a free pdf. Also the freedom programme which can be completed online. I highly recommend both.

He has punched walls a little while ago, he is mostly just horrible now and puts me down. I don’t understand why if I am so bad that he goes and finds someone else. Why stay with me if I make him so angry and I’m so useless?

He stays to hurt you op.

Because he us a bully and you are his victim.

It isnt about affection. It's about contempt.

I hope you haven't got kiddies with this horrible man.

This is a relationship with no boundaries so you've stayed longer than you should have done.
He has severe anger issue that he needs to firstly admit and then sort out.
You need to leave him and discover some self worth. Be alone, find your identity and write down things you want from a relationship.
Maybe in the future, you can be together. But you must have self worth and have your boundaries and he must seek professional help for his anger.

I most definitely now have no boundaries. I tried to assert them at the beginning but I got walked all over, confused, threatened and I was always made to feel like I pushed the button, I believed him. I do feel incredibly stupid for letting things get to this. But I’m starting to feel that he really doesn’t like me.

You must leave op - this is frightening.

You're conttoning on. He pretty much hates you.

It isnt your fault and you've done nothing wrong.

He is simply just a nasty, nasty person who needs to put you down in order to feel good. If it wasnt you, he would have treated anyone else the same way.

Because he is an utter bastard.

You're feelings are valid. Your hurt, your fear, your longing to feel safe and any anger you feel about being treated the way fir so long. Perfectly valid feelings.

You arent crazy or stupid or bad or overreacting or whatever other shite he has been telling you to keep you down in the gutter. He belongs in the gutter, not you.

I hope you find the strength to get free of the life sucking fiend asap. Because no one deserves to be abused.

Is it safe for you to tell us your living situation? Does he check up on you or your phone?
You say husband, so is it a joint house or one moved in with the other?

I’m not with him at the moment. I’m with family. I don’t understand our relationship, it makes no sense at all. If someone believes you aren’t showing them enough love then why not just move on. Why scream and shout at me putting me down; telling me all my insecurities. How does he think that will make me want to love him more. He makes me scared and dislike him.

He enjoys abusing you. It meets a need for him. He keeps you around BECAUSE he wants to abuse you.

Do you have children? Are you married?

Yes a young son and yes married.

He wants to control you. He doesn't want your love, he wants your subservience.

It might be helpful for you to read up on narcissists. Because you are dealing with one of those or similar.

Perhaps even a sociopath.

Melanie tonia Evan's does good youtube videos on narcissists.