When is it not ok for siblings to get physical?

[Amethystmoons]

Hi all.
I need advice here. I’m late twenties and so is my sister. Since we were young she would always tell me I’m selfish, unreliable and pathetic whenever we argued about anything and she has always maintained that same narrative. Whenever I have ever stuck up for myself and not backed down, she would always hit me/throw objects at me and intimidate me. Because of this even in adult life I feel like I’m scared of actually standing my ground with her and whenever I do the same things get said to me and she will get physical still even though we aren’t kids anymore. Today we had a disagreement over something really minor and she started saying the usual things that I’m selfish etc (despite when she’s in a good mood she always tells me how thankful she is to have me and she knows she can rely on me), and because I challenged her on it she launched the bowl of cheese she was grating at me which hit me in the back pretty hard and she pushed over the pot of boiling potato’s on the stove and stormed out of the house.
Now I always end up downplaying this thinking this is normal because we are sisters etc but actually I am really questioning whether it’s okay to get physical like this? We are both adults and have children who thankfully weren’t here when it happened. I never ever retaliate physically and she knows I won’t. Is this normal or toxic? I’m shaking and really fucking upset. I always feel like it’s my fault she’s done this because I must wind her up so much but surely I am allowed to voice my own feelings?!

Of course it's not ok

I thought that someone would think that
It’s just so upsetting because I love her and I hate that it gets like this all the time. I don’t know why she is like this towards me

Was this in your home or hers?

An adult has assaulted you, no matter who it is!
It’s no more acceptable than if it had been a partner, a colleague or a stranger in the street?
I couldn’t have a relationship with a sister that behaved this way.

This is absolutely, categorically not normal behaviour and is abusive and toxic.

There’s no difference whether it’s a sibling, friend or stranger.

So sorry OP, it sounds like you’ve been conditioned to accept this over many years and you’ve been somehow guilted into accepting this role as her punchbag.

What was your childhood / gone life like growing up? Does she have form for acting this way with anyone else?

I personally would be telling her this behaviour is 100% unacceptable and should it ever happen again you will walk away / go NC and recommend she gets help for her anger and violence.

home life not gone life.

It is never ok.
In many families children in single digits do stuff like this, it isn't ok, but it isn't abnormal as such. It is something parents need to address ( I taught them to use a toilet, a spoon, now I'm teaching them conflict resolution skills). The fact that you think it's ok shows you haven't been taught to have firm boundaries about sibling violence.
You have choices about if and how you want your relationship with your sister to progress. If you both live with a parent it may be complicated by that, but you still have agency about this. You do not have to be your sister's punching bag.

Sibling abuse is real and a lot of people have suffered it. Your sister clearly has serious temper issues and probably needs professional help but that’s her problem. You should not have to put up with her violence any longer. Tell her you are no longer tolerating it, and that you need to distance yourself from her until she addresses her problem.

@Dollyrocket our childhood was stressful at times and she felt she had to mother me as sometimes our mum wasn’t always around. But she would always take her pain out on me mentally and emotionally. Over the years I feel like I do everything to make her happy and believe in me. She always tells me how pathetic I am and I believe it. She has always always been this way and always hurt me. It does feel like an abusive relationship that’s the only way I can describe it but I never knew if all siblings had these types of fights!

@Nanasueathome it happened in my home this afternoon

We don’t live together - she came over and I was making dinner for us both

In terms of acting this way with other people - no! She has only ever physically assaulted me

That's not okay, OP. No matter who it is. In fact, even more upsetting when it's your own sister. She sounds violent

I agree - sibling abuse is a real thing, but for some reason people think that anything that happens between siblings is okay - no matter what it is. I don't understand it. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. it's not right. I keep an arm's length distance from my abusive brother.

This is not okay. It is normal for siblings to fight as children but this should stop by the very early teens at the latest.

You should threaten her with going to the police for an assault claim next time she does this.

It’s not ok at all, and especially once you’re older than, say, 8.
As an adult it’s outrageous and indicative that something is very wrong.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is definitely not ok. As kids this things do happen sometimes, my own sister and I would sometimes physically fight, but that was only when we were kids. As adults we know better, and would never dream of behaving as your sister does towards you when she is upset with you. Please know that this is not your fault, and your sister assaulting you is not ok, whether it be in your home, her home, anywhere....she is assaulting you. You need to withdraw from your relationship and explain that unless she can control herself you are unable to maintain a healthy relationship with her, that her lashing out with physical violence towards you is not going to be accepted anymore.

Thank you all for your responses so far I appreciate them. I’m just really emotional as I don’t understand why I’m the target of all of her anger. I rack my brain for reasons and I end up justifying it thinking it’s because I shouldn’t have pushed her or I should’ve just shut up and let her say whatever she wants to me but today something has changed. I just can’t accept that anyone should ever not express themselves through fear of being physically assaulted by someone else
It hurts me that this is my sister who does it. We should protect each other. I feel like she must have some deep burning hatred for me and I don’t know why

It's never ok. I have three DSIS. We argue often but never get physical. And even if arguments get heated, then we'll ask whoever is getting heated to leave.

The violence is entirely on your DSIS.
But you have an issue with your boundaries that you need to work on. You should know her behaviour isn't acceptable and you should be able to end the conversation and remove yourself. Counselling might help you to reassess your relationship with her and give you the confidence to redefine it or distance yourself from her.

@ATomeOfOnesOwn you’re right I do now see I have an issue with boundaries. I drop everything to be there for her whenever, I often do things I don’t want to to make her happy and make sure she’s ok etc
And that also hurts me more when she tells me I’m selfish and she has no one etc because so much of my time is taking up trying to show her that that’s not true and I love her and I’m there for her.
I do go to counselling as I have issues with my ex partner being emotionally abusive etc but I have never been honest about my sister to my counsellor because I don’t want to admit the reality of what’s happening. I’m going to force myself to sort this out this time

Please talk to your counsellor about this, they need to know.

None of this is your fault, so please try to stop turning yourself inside out trying to work out what you could have done to make her like this. You haven't done anything to deseve this, you are a victim.

She is abusing you, and there is never any excuse for someone to do that.

Look up FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and see if anything resonates with you.

You don't have to continue seeing this abuser just because she is your sister, and you certainly don't have to put up with her aggression towards you in your own home. Does she have a key?

If you were my sibling I would push you to protect someone you were physically attacking but if you'd pissed me off I'd shout or leave.

It's not ok what happened to you. Even if you'd been fucking awful as an adult she should be able to use another method to express her anger

@dodobookends thank you. I’ve just had a scan online about FOG and I can relate to most of not all of the points. I do really feel so upset that I’m starting to see our relationship for what it really is. She does do nice things for me and she tells me I can trust her etc but anything nice she’s ever done will be referenced and used to beat me with emotionally further down the line and used an example of how she is more selfless than me. The way I feel this afternoon is just numb from it all and I feel like having to deal with my ex partner as well as this behaviour from her is getting a bit much. It’s like I’m being slowly worn down and I don’t actually know what healthy relationships look like.
She does have a key to the house, yes.

@flamingochill thank you for your response. The thing is Id understand a bit more if I was saying awful and nasty things but I wasn’t. She was saying I ‘always make a big deal out of everything and make everything such hard work’ so I asked for examples of what she is referring to because I don’t believe that to be true and that seemed to tip her over the edge.

Ok, have seen it was your own home
I wouldn’t let her in again
If she does come round then just speak through the door or even window and tell her she’s upset you and you don’t want anything to do with her
She’ll probably try to put the blame on you but just ignore
Annoying that it was I; your home as you now have to clean her mess up too