Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

When is it not ok for siblings to get physical?

56 replies

Amethystmoons · 14/06/2020 15:37

Hi all.
I need advice here. I’m late twenties and so is my sister. Since we were young she would always tell me I’m selfish, unreliable and pathetic whenever we argued about anything and she has always maintained that same narrative. Whenever I have ever stuck up for myself and not backed down, she would always hit me/throw objects at me and intimidate me. Because of this even in adult life I feel like I’m scared of actually standing my ground with her and whenever I do the same things get said to me and she will get physical still even though we aren’t kids anymore. Today we had a disagreement over something really minor and she started saying the usual things that I’m selfish etc (despite when she’s in a good mood she always tells me how thankful she is to have me and she knows she can rely on me), and because I challenged her on it she launched the bowl of cheese she was grating at me which hit me in the back pretty hard and she pushed over the pot of boiling potato’s on the stove and stormed out of the house.
Now I always end up downplaying this thinking this is normal because we are sisters etc but actually I am really questioning whether it’s okay to get physical like this? We are both adults and have children who thankfully weren’t here when it happened. I never ever retaliate physically and she knows I won’t. Is this normal or toxic? I’m shaking and really fucking upset. I always feel like it’s my fault she’s done this because I must wind her up so much but surely I am allowed to voice my own feelings?!

OP posts:

sallievp · 14/06/2020 16:57

It is Definitely NOT ok

ThePathToHealing · 14/06/2020 17:08

Domestic abuse isn't just intimate partners but can also be family members. It sounds like there's a real power and control aspect in your relationship. There is a point where physical interaction is no longer acceptable and it sounds like that was a long time ago.

Definitely bring it up with your counsellor, even in writing if that helps. Hold on to how you feel because it's very easy to think you are supporting someone by being there for them to use you.

It's really hard but at some point you need to put boundaries in play or make decisions to only meet in neutral places if the fall out is likely to be less dramatic. You do not have to tolerate behaviour that hurts you in your own house, it should be a safe space. You can let your sister back in when she has shown that she will respect your needs.

happytoday73 · 14/06/2020 17:14

Its not normal. Its not acceptable as lots of PP have said.
Please please message her that 'you will not accept violence towards you and even though she is your sister, and you love her dearly, you will report any future cases to the police' .
... Mean it and remind her if you ever invite her into your house again...

She needs to sort this temper out before she starts on her children/a partner or even yours.

Do not let the children see this type of behaviour and think it's acceptable behaviour.

You do not mention your parents. If they are still about I would tell them what went on today (short and factual) and that you've clearly stated to her it's not acceptable/won't put up with it in future.

JustC · 14/06/2020 17:21

Ok, I'm probably going to sound harsh, but your sister is abusing you. If aomeone posted this kindvof behaviour from a partner, you would be told said partner is abusive. It does not matter in whose jome it was, I dont even get why it was asked. And this is coming from someone who fought badly with her sister as children. Seriously, I'm talking whacking with object. But we were stupid kids . I honestly think she is abusing you. And I get you love her, so tell her she need help, this is not ok.

ATomeOfOnesOwn · 14/06/2020 17:35

The fact your ex was abusive makes a lot of sense. Please do speak to your counsellor about your DSIS. If your counsellor has discussed boundaries etc in relation to your ex, then start to think about how you can translate those lessons to your relationship with your DSIS.
You're never going to make your DSIS feel loved and appreciated enough. That's not a lacking in your love. It's simply because you can't control how she feels.

OldWomanSaysThis · 14/06/2020 17:35

You definitely need to stop seeking her approval because you will never get it.

Original poster

Amethystmoons · 14/06/2020 18:43

I’ve told her I expect an apology and she’s said I need to get a grip and it’s ‘hardly like she punched me in the face’ she said if I can’t accept responsibility for the argument then she won’t be talking to me and she’s putting laughing emojis

OP posts:

pickingdaisies · 14/06/2020 18:53

She didn't see you as her equal, and you aren't going to be able to explain to her why you have a right to be upset. It won't match the narrative she has in her head. I think you need some distance from her while you get to grips with what she's actually doing, can you get your locks changed so she can't let herself in?

missyB1 · 14/06/2020 19:08

Don’t contact her again and if she contacts you simply repeat that you cannot have a relationship with her until she seeks help for her violent temper.
If she turns up to your house don’t let her in.

Lordamighty · 14/06/2020 19:38

@Amethystmoons

You need to tell her quite calmly & clearly that if she had punched you in the face you would have called the police, and mean it. You have been conditioned to accept her outrageous behaviour but it really isn’t ok. In your own home too, she is a cheeky beggar that’s for sure. I bet she doesn’t behave this way with anyone else.

finished31 · 14/06/2020 20:06

Does she ever 'cross the line' with her own children and become violent?

Tell her you will be calling by for your door key and walk away.

Original poster

Amethystmoons · 14/06/2020 20:11

@pickingdaisies i don’t feel like she sees me as her equal at all. I’m always left feeling as though I’m not enough or not selfless enough or giving enough and she’s above me at this unattainable level

It’s so hard because we are close and obviously we get on well most of the time but these arguments do happen a lot like if we spend more than one day together I feel like I am always walking on egg shells in case I do anything to seem snappy or in a mood because that’s when it starts

@finished31 she never harms her son. She loves him and does give motherhood 110% and she is a good mum to him. It seems to be me that really sets her off like she holds her anger inside and then knows I’ll love her and be there regardless of how she takes it out on me
She really doesn’t see anything wrong with today at all and she’s convinced it’s my fault so we can’t really move forward from here for the minute

OP posts:

Stuckforthefourthtime · 14/06/2020 20:22

You mention your mum wasn't always around growing up. It does sound like it ended up a protective but not very helpful relationship style.

Right now agree with all the pps that she is behaving abusively. Also think that it's a bit different from an abusive relationship between two people who meet as adults, and if she has looked after you growing up and at some stage you might want a continued relationship, definitely think it's worth talking through with your counsellor or maybe a relationship specialist like Relate (by yourself though), to talk about it.

OldWomanSaysThis · 14/06/2020 20:34

Perfect! She isn't going to talk to you anymore. That's best case scenario.

GingerBeverage · 14/06/2020 20:49

Hi OP. Please read this book and substitute he/him with she/her. www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

I feel you will recognise a lot of the manipulation the author talks about in your relationship.

I went non contact with my sister a few years ago and have not regretted the decision.

MrsRogerLima · 14/06/2020 21:21

It's not ok op.

My younger brother has always been violent and controling towards me.

My brother thinks he owns me. To the point that he always tried to control who i could and couldn't be in a relationship with, where I lived ect.

I met my DH (who he disapproves of) and was petrified of telling him I was pregnant as I knew he wouldn't be happy. I was right and he held me up against my mum's living room wall by the throat when he noticed my 6m bump (I was waiting for her to come home from work, he still lived at home at 26) and threatened to punch me in the stomach.

I have tried my very best to avoid him at all costs since. I am coldly civil if I do have to see him (sometimes he just randomly drops in on mum without warning) I do not want him anywhere near my children.

dodobookends · 14/06/2020 21:51

She does have a key to the house, yes

In that case you need to decide whether you still want her to have a key or not. If you don't, then you either need to ask for it back or change the locks. In the meantime, do you have a chain on the door? If so, use it and then she won't be able to get in when you are at home.

Should you have concerns that she may let herself in when you are not there, then tell your neighbours and ask them to contact you if they see her.

pickingdaisies · 15/06/2020 16:58

Seems you are both stuck in childhood patterns, this is not healthy. And just because she's your sister, it doesn't mean you have to put up with this. Although her behaviour is rooted in her childhood, she's old enough to know better now. It's there someone who can help you to keep low contact with her for a while?

Fizzysours · 15/06/2020 18:57

Siblings usually stop hurting each other by 14-16. She is abusive towards you. She might be horrified, and stop, if you managed to really make her think about it. I appreciate you probably wouldn't want to, but you could approach the police about this type of behaviour. It was assault.

AgentJohnson · 15/06/2020 19:53

Your sister is abusing you and only she can stop behaving that way, your responsibility begins and ends in making your self less available to be her target.

Do not contact her again until there’s an apology and if there is one tell her that the next act of violence against you will be result in the Police being called.

PumpkinP · 15/06/2020 22:11

I can really relate op, my sister was always violent to me, she would snap over the smallest things (once because I ate too many packets of crisps!) and use to beat me up all the time in our late teens / 20s I never hit her back until one time on holiday where she absolutely went mad on me because some guy threw water at her (it nothing to do with me) she attacked me badly and that was the first time I retaliated but I had been putting up with it my whole life, she would hit me with objects (a broom once) and I always just took it but this time I had had enough of the abuse. She didn’t do it again and we are now in our 30s until a few weeks ago when we had an argument and she drove round to my house to beat me up in front of my children, they were in the house. I thought she had grown up but clearly not. I will not speak to her ever again after that. It’s not acceptable and people do down play sibling violence. No one ever said anything in my family it was seen as acceptable.

Yeahnahmum · 16/06/2020 05:00

She is mental. This is beyond toxic. I would cut her out of my life permanently. I hope you are OK op

Alittleshortforaspacepooper · 16/06/2020 05:28

Not ok. That's abuse. I would have nothing more to do with her, but I do understand that may be hard for you as she is your sister.

If you do continue to see her and she assaults you again, please contact the police. You aren't a punching bag for her to take her rage out on. Her behaviour is disgusting

Natashabobasha1 · 16/06/2020 05:31

No no no....I am currently living with my sister and her hubby with my baby since covid hit..(stuck here)...no arguments whatsoever....from February to late June....do not accept this. she is insane and abusive. Would you accept this from a friend? Boiling water???? One day she will really hurt you. Your kids need you. She needs to see someone for her rage. Leave. Go no contact.

Maria1921 · 16/06/2020 06:09

"then she won’t be talking to me "

Problem solved.

Just because you came out of the same womb it does NOT mean that, as an adult, you must keep her in your life no matter what.

Get rid. Find another female to be besties with.

Flip

1 2 3