Lockdowns made me realise my DH is an arse

[2020Apocalypse]

I’ve know for a while that he’s very selfish - something he completely denies. He claims to be the most unselfish person who never puts himself first .

Since lockdown I’ve really struggled with what a complete self centred dick he is. If I complain to him about it he denies it and mocks me until I lose my temper and end up shrieking at him. Then obviously he pulls the “crazy woman” card.

I’ve always done the majority of everything but the current situation is really highlighting it. We have both been at home with two young children since early March. I was furloughed for a month so obviously I handled all of the home schooling, sorted meals, cleaned etc. We usually have a cleaner but she’s not been for months now.

Since my return to work ( from home) at the start of this month I am still doing everything. I asked him to vacuum the house as I’ve done all of the rest of the cleaning. He acts like I’m the cheekiest bitch ever for asking since I work one less day a week than him. He acts like everything is my responsibility but if I call him out on it he denies it.
Every morning he gets up just in time to grab himself a coffee and jump on his first work call at 9am. No thought to getting up to sort the kids out beforehand. He works most of the day from our spare room whilst I get the kitchen table. He will come down and “help” with home schooling occasionally. The last time this involved him setting himself up in the kitchen then spending 2 hours telling our son “just a minute”. I ended up doing the work with my son myself just to get it finished.
Friday nights have now become the night he has virtual work drinks. He drinks a lot and then spends Saturday morning in bed ( he’s even still in bed now!) and then the rest of the day on the couch or watching tv in bed.

He takes absolutely no responsibility for anything around the house. Our son is still riding a bike with stabilisers and looks ridiculous. It will be down to me to teach him to ride without. It’s me doing all of the scouts badge projects etc. He (DH)then moans that I’m not loving or affectionate towards him and says his mental health is suffering. I think this is another thing he thinks should be on my to do list on things to sort out.

I’m completely exhausted and feeling as though I completely hate him. Yet he has this way of turning it around to make out like I’m “toxic”.

What is the actual point of him ?

Do you get anything from the relationship? Love, support? If not, Id think you'd be much happier without him tbh

After the chinese lockdown lifted the divorce rate soared and you can see why.

From talking to others your not alone, it does seem to have fallen to the women (without discussion) in a lot of the households
Are you just ranting or do you feel like this could be it for you?

Can I just point out you’ve managed to do this whole lockdown on your own. You’ve gone schooled, you’ve looked for the kids, you’ve worked and looked after the home.
You should be fucking proud of yourself.

It also shows you’d be more than ok on your own.

Ime it's actually worse living with a full grown adult who could share the load but doesn't, than it is being a single parent for real. The resentment is a killer.

Hey OP, I totally hear you. Actually just came on MN to post a handhold request as I think my DH is about to move out (he has gone to look at flats this morning). I know you are mad at your DH right now, but I’m guessing he isn’t all bad? Mine isn’t all bad, but the gulf between what he does and what I do is so huge (he admits I carry 100% of the mental load and 70% of the practical household load, but thinks that’s fair). We go in a cycle round and round and round. We’re good for a while and then something comes up (usually my work related) and I literally have no elastic left to stretch, and we snap, say we should separate, neither of us have the balls to go and we stumble on for a few more weeks or months. Maybe no more. Can’t help you......they don’t usually change. Sending love and empathy x

If you ask him then I get tons of support and he is “always” looking after me. I’m not sure what form this takes but in my opinion I get nothing. There’s no affection as when he tries to hug me I move away as I can’t stand it. We don’t have sex as that’s another area in which he’s incredibly selfish so I don’t see the point. He has also let himself gain weight to the point of obesity. If I don’t cook for him ( or tell him what to cook) he just gets himself a kebab. He claims to do “tons” of exercise but a half hour walk twice a week is the real extent of it.
The only positive point is he’s a high earner. But this contributes to his idea of him being so much more important than me.

Yep I have one of these. If I suggest he does something, he goes on about how much he already does. This morning Dc awake from 6.30, him still snoring. At 8am I asked might of shouted a bit him to make a cup of tea for me to save me taking all the dc downstairs as we were playing. He huffed about how he does everything and went back to sleep. I gave up and took them down for breakfast.

Can you imagine if I treated the kids like that too? I feel so sad that he can't be bothered to ever play with them. No one wants to be up at 6.30, but they are only young for a short time. One has some delays and I'm sure it's because he's stuck with just me all the time, with virtually no interaction from DH. I try my best and tried to push DH to help. First time he took him the shop to get milk with me, DC was age 3.

DH is trying to do something in the garden and I can hear Dc trying to help him and he's saying go and see mummy/ get out the way Yet DH would happily have more kids, I mean it's no additional work for him.

Put all the jobs down on paper in black and white, include feeding DC breakfast and schooling, everything that needs to be achieved each day.
Then call a meeting to discuss the division of labour.
Allocate yourself an extra job to take into account your ‘less working hours’.
Then ask him which jobs he wants to do.
If he refuses, ask him honestly, why should you still live with him, as you do it all already. Point out that if you separate, at least you will get alternative weekends when the DC are with him.
Do not let him goad you into losing your temper, stay calm.
Good luck

How are you financially? It sounds like you’d be a whole lot better off without him.

Stop doing anything for him. So what if he has to eat a kebab. There doesn’t sound any point in being in a relationship with him. It’s not even a relationship really is it. Wouldn’t you be happier in a smaller, easier to manage house. Split childcare so you get every other weekend off. He then has to do his own cleaning. I can’t see you ever getting “fair” from somebody like this. Have you thought about renting another property, moving out and leaving him to it? Would that make him have a wake up call?

Ugh - get rid.

Sounds like you're single- parenting anyway - and doing a bloody good job of it whilst locked down, working, doing everything for your kids and housework.

Imagine how easy you'll find it when you dump him, lockdown lifts and you get a % of his salary in child maintenance!

So you are staying for the money then ?

Fair enough. But don't expect him to change into a decent partner.

Let him eat kebabs then.

Realistically if you lived by yourself you wouldnt have any more work to do, and a whole adult of mess less to deal with. He sounds like an absolute waste of space.

The money has been part of it. Please don’t get the idea we live in a big house - we don’t. It’s a standard terraced house and I’d pay more in rent in this area than we do mortgage. I still wouldn’t be able to afford it on my own with 2 kids , though things would be easier once the youngest starts school. The main thing that’s kept me here is the idea that I’d be failing my children if I broke up their family. They are young enough that they think he’s great because he’s fun. He rarely tells them off or nags them. They have no clue that it’s because he’s a lazy twat.

The only positive point is he’s a high earner. But this contributes to his idea of him being so much more important than me.

Yep, that too. He’d like me to stop work completely, IMHO so I could be his personal live in slave. I have always resisted. His attitude has always been ‘you want to work, you facilitate it’......so I can go to work so long as I outsource everything to enable me to work....nanny, dog sitter, cleaner, gardener.....and managing all of those people is a job in itself. If I was working FT I’d be nudging 6 figures, But He thinks my PT salary isn’t worth the effort.

If you separate, at least you will get alternative weekends when the DC are with him. I’ve thought this so many times. I can’t imagine what is do with a child free weekend. Probably collapse in an exhausted heap.

Every other weekend to myself would be great for me but awful for my kids. He wouldn’t look after them or feed them properly. Yesterday he gave our son cal poly for his wheeze because he couldn’t be arsed going downstairs to get his inhaler 😫

I've had several of these.

Absolutely convinced to the point of being quite outspoken about it, of the fact that 'they do an equal amount of housework'. Yet will shout at you if the hoovering hasn't been done, for example, or if the kids' bedrooms are a state. They really do think that housework consists of washing up once a week (if you are lucky) and occasionally putting their dirty kecks in the washing machine.

And then they want sex!

You can try once more, laying it out on the line. Like a pp said, list EVERYTHING that has to be done. Ask him which tasks he wants to be responsible for and you take the rest. Be prepared for him to do his tasks once in a blue moon ('nobody NEEDS to wash up every DAY!')

Then at least you can tell yourself you tried. And then separate. He's a waste of space. And a selfish one.

You are physically pulling away from him at the idea of him touching you. This is a thousand signals that you do not want to be with him. Your body has so much wisdom, often more than our heads.

He doesn't respect all the hard work you do.
He doesn't respect you or your children enough to help
He won't change.

My ex's idea of fully supporting me was telling me I had to do it on my own and looking at me like I kicked a puppy in the face for asking him to do the dishes. The resentment will build and build and he won't care as long as you continue to do everything you've always done and continue to moan that he doesn't feel close to you because his only idea of affection is sex. He will tell you that's the problem because it's the only thing he wants and thinks he deserves. It's the missing piece in the perfect image he has of what a partner should be.

The main thing that’s kept me here is the idea that I’d be failing my children

Sorry to hijack your post OP......but I could have written it. Sounds like your DC are a bit younger than mine (9,6). DH has, on one level, got better as DC got older- I no longer have to take the children out of the house at 6am so he can carry on sleeping, they just watch tv- but this isn’t how I want either of them to grow up thinking this is how a relationship works ie the mum kills herself trying to hold everything together and daddy plays Disney dad. I think I’ve come to the conclusion that staying is failing the children....but separating is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done.

get rid of him. He will never change. I was in the same situation with my ex, he refused to do anything around the house. IT was the womans job, he said. I worked full time too and he did nothing with our son.
Im much happier after leaving him. Get RID!!!

See a solicitor. Find out what you’d get, get financial details out of the house and to a safe place.

He sounds a massive dead weight.

Don't make the mistake of staying for the kids!!!! They will not thank you and the resentment will eat you alive.

If you split you will get more than 50% of the equity if you are main carer in order to house the DC, you will get child maintenance.

Your H won't have them EOW he's too lazy...

Breaking up the family should be last resort only. The children will suffer. Fact. Regardless of how you try and sell it to yourself (talking from experience).

The issue you’ve got is you’re arguing with him about something he doesn’t see.

So, put it down in writing. Write a list of all that needs doing and tell him you both need a schedule so workload is shared. Don’t spoon feed him the answers, ask him what he thinks. You’re basically then giving him two options, 1) working with you to find a solution, or, 2) admitting out loud he doesn’t think house work / child care should be shared.

Things like; take it in turns to have the spare room while the other works and sorts kids. One gets them up and fed, the other baths and puts them to bed.

Atm it sounds like you’re enabling this behaviour. You need to just not have it. Doesn’t need an argument. Just careful management.

@MsSlightyConfused

Breaking up the family should be last resort only. The children will suffer. Fact. Regardless of how you try and sell it to yourself (talking from experience).

The issue you’ve got is you’re arguing with him about something he doesn’t see.

So, put it down in writing. Write a list of all that needs doing and tell him you both need a schedule so workload is shared. Don’t spoon feed him the answers, ask him what he thinks. You’re basically then giving him two options, 1) working with you to find a solution, or, 2) admitting out loud he doesn’t think house work / child care should be shared.

Things like; take it in turns to have the spare room while the other works and sorts kids. One gets them up and fed, the other baths and puts them to bed.

Atm it sounds like you’re enabling this behaviour. You need to just not have it. Doesn’t need an argument. Just careful management.

None of this works with selfish men.

They will agree to anything, to keep you quiet, to keep the status quo. They will agree that they should do their allotted tasks.

And then they just won't do them.

And no woman should have to 'manage' a husband. You manage staff, not a person who should be your absolute equal.