Lockdowns made me realise my DH is an arse

[2020Apocalypse]

I’ve know for a while that he’s very selfish - something he completely denies. He claims to be the most unselfish person who never puts himself first .

Since lockdown I’ve really struggled with what a complete self centred dick he is. If I complain to him about it he denies it and mocks me until I lose my temper and end up shrieking at him. Then obviously he pulls the “crazy woman” card.

I’ve always done the majority of everything but the current situation is really highlighting it. We have both been at home with two young children since early March. I was furloughed for a month so obviously I handled all of the home schooling, sorted meals, cleaned etc. We usually have a cleaner but she’s not been for months now.

Since my return to work ( from home) at the start of this month I am still doing everything. I asked him to vacuum the house as I’ve done all of the rest of the cleaning. He acts like I’m the cheekiest bitch ever for asking since I work one less day a week than him. He acts like everything is my responsibility but if I call him out on it he denies it.
Every morning he gets up just in time to grab himself a coffee and jump on his first work call at 9am. No thought to getting up to sort the kids out beforehand. He works most of the day from our spare room whilst I get the kitchen table. He will come down and “help” with home schooling occasionally. The last time this involved him setting himself up in the kitchen then spending 2 hours telling our son “just a minute”. I ended up doing the work with my son myself just to get it finished.
Friday nights have now become the night he has virtual work drinks. He drinks a lot and then spends Saturday morning in bed ( he’s even still in bed now!) and then the rest of the day on the couch or watching tv in bed.

He takes absolutely no responsibility for anything around the house. Our son is still riding a bike with stabilisers and looks ridiculous. It will be down to me to teach him to ride without. It’s me doing all of the scouts badge projects etc. He (DH)then moans that I’m not loving or affectionate towards him and says his mental health is suffering. I think this is another thing he thinks should be on my to do list on things to sort out.

I’m completely exhausted and feeling as though I completely hate him. Yet he has this way of turning it around to make out like I’m “toxic”.

You're a single parent already, just one of your kids is an adult. I had this and the resentment just built and built, it's not sexy and that's what he was chasing from me, which is even more off putting. When he left my workload decreased by at least 75% as he wasn't around to make a mess or be cooked for. Try reading Wifework by Susan Maushart and review your options.

Would you want your dc to repeat this sort of relationship in their own future? Staying together means that you are modelling this to them.

@MsSlightyConfused staying in a dysfunctional relationship ‘for the sake of the children’ does waaay more harm to the children than separating. Fact. Go and sit on your high horse somewhere else please.

This sounds truly awful.

But one positive - he's a lazy little shit so the chances he's going to want the kids for any meaningful amount of time is limited. You'll be lucky if he takes them for a night every fortnight. They'll be looked after just fine because you will be doing 99% of it. As you do now.

@churchonsundays you know nothing about me, my life, what I’ve been through and what my children have been through. So go and take your judgment elsewhere.

OP if you give up without giving your DH the chance to fix what you’re not happy with then when your DCs are in tears because they don’t want to have to leave you, or they ask you “why couldn’t we stay a family?”, or you’re in tears because you can’t pay the bills but your ex has found a new woman (they always do) and they get to have a lovely life uninhibited with full time childcare, then you will have trouble forgiving yourself.

Men all over the world are like this. The man who can see past the end of his own nose is very rare. If you spell it out to him, stop giving him the chance to do nothing, and he still does nothing then you know you did all you could.

He definitely would want the kids 50% of the time. He just would “look after” them in his own way. Which would mean them alone eating sweets until he bothered to get out of bed, irregular meal times, McDonald’s or takeaways for dinner. Not put to bed at a reasonable time, no school work done, etc.

Do your homework with leaving him, gather financial paperwork etc.
If he refuses to help, ask him to join you for counseling with the view to separation and co parenting.
There was a great article written by a bloke who put things very clearly about why his not dealing with his coffee cup, led to his divorce.
I will try to find it.
Also, be open and honest, his lack of help and doing things as a partnership, means you are the default Mum, too tired to think about sex. Be frank that his lack of help is sexually off putting , is he prepared to live without sex, to get out of doing his share around the house.

My exH used to force me to do 100% of the housework and cooking etc too, because I "worked less days than him". In actual fact I worked 3 or 4 12.5 hour shifts a week as a nurse in a busy hospital ward. My days off were sacred and I needed them to recover from the shifts! So same hours as him spread differently. You're doing everything for the kids on top of the housework and work. It's not sustainable. I'm so glad I had kids with my current partner and not him. Tell him to gtfo or you will be miserable as long as he's there.

If you are wanting permission to say the words, "I no longer respect you, I do not love you as a wife should, I can manage without you."
I am giving you permission.
Life is too short. You have proved you can manage a house, job and dc on your own. To be blunt, you will manage even better without the burden of resentment, arguments and trying to get an adult to act like a responsible adult.
Don't be me. I juggled it all for 5 years longer than I should have.

‘She divorced me because I left my dishes next to the sink.’
In the Huff post. By Matthew Fray

In the short term I'd separate but keep living in the same house. Do you have a spare room he could move into? Stop doing any wifework for him and detach emotionally. Start to prepare for a divorce, research finances etc. Keep a journal on his parenting (but make sure it's hidden/protected) and get yourself a shit hot lawyer.

I completely understand your desire to not send very young children off to his sole care but as long as they are physically safe it will be very difficult to prevent it.

You don’t have a family in the true sense of the word, so there is nothing to break up. Do you seriously want to model this set up for your children. You have a responsibility to live your happiest life and you won’t with him.
Go forward 15 years, do you want to be on your own with him when the kids have gone.
Make plans for a better future for you and DC.

There is nothing here that is fixable. Ops h is a grown man and it’s also not the ops role here either to fix her husband.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?

Do not stay for the sake of the children, doing so puts a heavy burden upon them. Divorce also is not failure, living in such unhappiness is.

He can be hardly bothered with their day to day welfare now, what makes you think he would at all want 50/50 unless it was a tactic of his to avoid paying maintenance.

I wouldn't do a task list to share; instead I would devise a timetable for the week of everything that needs to be done. Let him know what needs to be done and how much of it you need to share. Tick off everything you have both done (using different coloured pens - and keep it from view if you wish). Show it to him at the end of the week. He will understand your point a lot better and can no longer claim to be Mr Wonderful when you show him how little he contributes to family life. Whether he cares enough to change is a different matter. Start it tomorrow and have the conversation with him next Sunday.

I’d pay more in rent in this area than we do mortgage.

I'd say that's the same in almost every area- that's the way it goes.

He is a wanker and you'd be happier without him.

Sadly I do not think that highlighting this via coloured pens and neon lights would see a sea change of attitudes. This is who he is and such men do not change. I would also think his mother ran around after him and her own husband whilst she knocked herself out doing everything short of wiping their bums.

He will consistently deny how little he contributes to family life and his only concern is for his own self.

@AnyFucker What is the actual point of him ?

This

Since lockdown I’ve really struggled with what a complete self centred dick he is. If I complain to him about it he denies it and mocks me until I lose my temper and end up shrieking at him. Then obviously he pulls the “crazy woman” card.

Read Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?".
Your husband is the Water Torturor abuse profile.

These men drive you insane by treating you as if you are insane. Then gather friends and relatives around them to aggre with them - "yep, she's insane". Straight out of the movie gaslight.

The only answer is to leave.

In threads like this people always say to make a list of everything that needs done and discuss it, or to come up with a timetable. I'm in a similar position and I don't have the time or headspace to do that! Anyone got a list?

I was in a 'relationship' like this. It drove me mad and turned me into someone I didn't want to be. Nothing worked because he just genuinely 'didnt see mess' apparently. Could work a very complicated high paid job but 'couldn't remember' to pick his dirty socks up and put them in the wash or put a plate in the kitchen or clean up a spill, cause he knew if he left it long enough I would do it. Even when I stopped he just wore dirty clothes and reused dirty plates.
His mum ran around after him and he never lifted a finger and expected me to do the same with a baby attached to me.
The relief when I asked him to leave was amazing and I had so much less to do even though I was doing everything on my own. I did it all on my own anyway.
He was shit with having contact with our child and looking back I should have just stopped it then to protect dc but once I stopped bending over backwards to facilitate it for him he lost interest anyway tbh.
He hasnt seen dc for 4 years now (my and DC's mental health has steadily improved over that time).
I just got CMS to get the right maintenance sorted and I'm now in an equal and healthy relationship after 9 years just me and DC.
Not tolerating being his skivvy (along with other stuff) was one of the best things I've done. He did the 'crazy woman' thing as well after he pushed and taunted me til I shouted because he wouldnt help me. He now lives alone and even his own brother doesn't speak to him cause he's such a selfish dick.

You deserve a life for yourself and your children that's happy, he sounds really entitled. You don't have to put up with this.

Another thing is you can never rely on men like this, they will always feel they should come first. If I gave my ex jobs to do he would fuck them up or do it badly so he wouldn't get asked again and it would be extra work to put it right.
You deserve someone that's got your back at all times even if that's only you for the moment. Anyone that hasn't and doesn't consider you an equal is working against you IMO and you deserve more than that. Everyone does.

I was in the same position at a time in my life. He was my first partner and i didn't want to be a failure at marriage and family life. We were miserable with 2 small children and i didn't stay for the kids sake, i left for the kids sake and they haven't suffered in any shape or form. I left with nothing but clothes and the kids belongings, but we had a roof over our heads and food on the table. He has contributed nothing for 12 years but the kids and i were happier.....best thing i ever done.

If he really started trying to change, would you want to be with him?

Or is the problem now HIM. I.e. he's been so selfish and lazy for so long, you can't imagine ever liking him again.

If the first, he'd really have to want to change for it to make a difference (and it doesn't sound like he does). If the second, you need to cut your losses, move on and find some happiness for yourself (even if it's just being an independent agent and not treated as a skivvy!).

The first thing I'd do in your position is stop skivvying for him as much as you can... Reduce chores to an absolute minimum and don't bother with anything just for him, he's an adult and can do it himself.

pulls the "crazy woman" card

This is borderline emotionally abusive... Gaslighting and minimising. It's meant to undermine the validity of anything you say even if it's true because, after all, you're a nut job.

When we were going through a rough patch after birth of DS and DH wasn't pulling his weight, he would say that I was being "over-emotional" when I criticized him as a way of undermining my arguments that he needed to do more and not leave everything to me the whole time just because he was busy at work. In the end, I'd just say calmly 'nothing that a few hours to myself won't solve' and march out of the house, leaving him with the baby. Eventually he got the message and stopped being such an idiot. Sometimes you need to go for the nuclear option.

The thing about this is that a caring husband should WANT to share the burden. It feels deeply hurtful and unloving when they choose to use you like a servant until you are overwhelmed.

It’s really bad for your self esteem to have to put up with that.

It sounds like he has heard you loud and clear but chooses not to listen.
Maybe it offends his sense of superiority as a man to have to do his share of the domestic work. That’s his problem.

I reckon you shouldn’t bother engaging in discussions any more, especially if you are getting upset by his response.

He KNOWS you are doing more and he doesn’t care. Maybe it strokes his ego to see you try so hard at your marriage and home life when he isn’t bothering.

Just find out what you can salvage from the situation financially so you can look after the kids as well as possible and then tell him to move on.

I would say that it should be for him to beg for another chance at this stage, to think it over and come up with ideas, not for you to come up with plans and lists of tasks to offer to him.