Lockdowns made me realise my DH is an arse

[2020Apocalypse]

I’ve know for a while that he’s very selfish - something he completely denies. He claims to be the most unselfish person who never puts himself first .

Since lockdown I’ve really struggled with what a complete self centred dick he is. If I complain to him about it he denies it and mocks me until I lose my temper and end up shrieking at him. Then obviously he pulls the “crazy woman” card.

I’ve always done the majority of everything but the current situation is really highlighting it. We have both been at home with two young children since early March. I was furloughed for a month so obviously I handled all of the home schooling, sorted meals, cleaned etc. We usually have a cleaner but she’s not been for months now.

Since my return to work ( from home) at the start of this month I am still doing everything. I asked him to vacuum the house as I’ve done all of the rest of the cleaning. He acts like I’m the cheekiest bitch ever for asking since I work one less day a week than him. He acts like everything is my responsibility but if I call him out on it he denies it.
Every morning he gets up just in time to grab himself a coffee and jump on his first work call at 9am. No thought to getting up to sort the kids out beforehand. He works most of the day from our spare room whilst I get the kitchen table. He will come down and “help” with home schooling occasionally. The last time this involved him setting himself up in the kitchen then spending 2 hours telling our son “just a minute”. I ended up doing the work with my son myself just to get it finished.
Friday nights have now become the night he has virtual work drinks. He drinks a lot and then spends Saturday morning in bed ( he’s even still in bed now!) and then the rest of the day on the couch or watching tv in bed.

He takes absolutely no responsibility for anything around the house. Our son is still riding a bike with stabilisers and looks ridiculous. It will be down to me to teach him to ride without. It’s me doing all of the scouts badge projects etc. He (DH)then moans that I’m not loving or affectionate towards him and says his mental health is suffering. I think this is another thing he thinks should be on my to do list on things to sort out.

I’m completely exhausted and feeling as though I completely hate him. Yet he has this way of turning it around to make out like I’m “toxic”.

He wouldn’t look after them or feed them properly.

He might. I was worried about how my ex would cope with the kids on his own - it was one reason I stayed put for so long. I feared similar to you - no bedtime, junk food all weekend etc. And there was some of that at the beginning. But he’s not a stupid man and he figured out fairly quickly that a good routine is not only good for the kids but it makes his life easier too. He was a crap dad while we were together but he’s much, much better now because there’s no one else to pick up the slack for him. The fact he only needs to do it for 2 weekends a month also helps, of course!

I remember my ex telling me how he'd have the kids 50/50...
Then every weekend and half the holidays.
Do you know how often he has them? Not at all. He 'comes round' to see them for at most 2 hours Saturday mornings.
Things are a bit more complex due to 1 DC's SN's but he just can't be bothered.
He's seen them twice since lockdown & that's the last couple of Saturdays for an hour a time.

What I'm saying is, what he says & what he does is 2 different things.
What you do know is, you are already doing everything yourself & he brings nothing at all to the table.
Resentment sounds like it's already set in for you (and as it should). Now is the time to think about what YOU want & what you need to do to get there.

I made a timetable of chores, split between us based on the hours each of us work. It was part of a final ultimatum last autumn and it seems to be the kick up the arse he needed.

Lockdown has helped actually because he's furloughed and my workload has gone through the roof so dh is now doing everything. I feel like a man when I occassionally fill the dishwasher or hang up the washing at the moment, ha ha

@KellyHall do you make a big song and dance about it and expect a medal?

tried the list - but it doesn't work. My waste of space husband has never cleaned the bathroom, hoovers once a year if that, never cleaned the kitchen..but he does remark negatively on the state of the house sometimes.. He empties bins and washes up but doesn't dry...and makes a huge thing about. Can't seem to understand that these things happen when he isn't around too. What is forgotten is all the other stuff - exciting shopping for mops, quilts, spoons, lunch boxes, towels..he thinks I "enjoy" this. Also I am supposed to maintain a mental inventory of everything. Utterly selfish.

My exh said he wanted our DC 50/50 (to get out of paying maintenance) but a few years on and I'm lucky if he has them on the days he is supposed to. In fact he argues with me not to have them especially on bank holidays and other such days when he wants to do his own thing. Lots of men say they want the DC 50/50 but when the reality of what that means kicks in they soon change their mind. And as a child of parents who stayed together for the kids I can tell you it was much worse than if they have split. I had a miserable childhood from secondary school age and wished they had separated years before they did.

My dh is furloughed and told me very earnestly that he’d cleaned the tiles and the next day.....they needed doing again.

Yep that’ll happen.

You can make all the lists in the world - you cannot make them do the tasks.

What you can do is listen to hours and hours of explanatory monologues on the subject of why he is so big and important that he shouldn't have to lift a finger and you should do everything to make his life easier. Until you scream, whereupon you are unreasonable and he is a veritable hero for putting up with you, even if you don't know how to clean a bathroom sufficiently and haven't properly ironed his best shirt.

Source: previous husband.

@Fairycake2 OMG my EXH does the same! Loves to claim very loudly and to anyone who will listen how much of an amazing Dad he is and how everything is All Her Fault. But literally every single time he’s meant to have them for longer than a weekend he’s shaving hours, or even days off. We’re supppsed to be sharing Xmas holidays - he sent me his dates of choice. 5 days. Fucking dick